Crappy Movies
Q-Z
Q: THE WINGED SERPENT (aka THE WINGED SERPENT) (1982)
I got this movie title from a film archive, but I could've sworn the movie was just titled "Q" (short for "Quetzacoatl", but you only have time to say "Q" before it rips you to shreds….)
It's a 1982 movie direted by Larry Coen about a giant flying reptilian creature that terrorizes Ney York City. Oh yes, there's something about Aztec style human sacrifices in the movie too. The only unbelievable thing about this movie is the fact that it was ever made. Other than that, it's harmless.
QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE (1958) Allied Artists
Americans (led by Capt. Patterson) land on Venus which they find to be inhabited only by women in heels and short dresses (one of whom is Zsa Zsa Gabor) and by Queen Yllana who wears a mask for almost the entire movie and hates all Earth men. Ahh, but Queeny is so misunderstood. It seems men are to blame for her jacked up face (hence the mask…). This movie was upgraded to one shit because it is the only piece of either TV or film that I know of starring Zsa Zsa Gabor (tricked ya! Green Acres starred Eva Gabor, Zsa Zsa's sister).
FIRST BLOOD
John Rambo. War Hero. Green Beret. Bad ass. A man trained to eat things that would "make a billy goat puke". Turns out some small town sheriff (Brian Dennehy) picked the wrong guy to pull a Rodney King on. He drew first blood, and now Rambo is pissed off. The end. Tune out your mind and float upstream in this comic book on the silver screen. Includes some pretty phat jungle camouflage scenes a couple cool stunts. Oh yes, no worrisome plot to get in the way of the action.
RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD, PT 2
When a job comes up to save American P.O.W.'s in vietnam, one name stands above the rest, John Rambo. When Rambo is captured by Russians he finds that he has been double-crossed. Now Rambo must escape and rescue the P.O.W.'s on his own and then find the man who double-crossed him. Richard Crenna reprises his role as a stone-faced Colonel Trautman. Sly is back as the one man army. This movie gives us our first glimpse of Rambo's true killing power: he takes out an entire prison camp. Try to avoid it if you can.
RAMBO 3
I wish I could say this was another case of Hollywood beating a failed concept into the ground. This is actually a case of Hollywood beating a successful concept to the ground. Alas, it's true. In spite of themselves, the first two movies actually made a little money. Hence, we have the third installment: Rambo vs the Red Army. John Rambo is forced to journey to Afghanistan to rescue his old friend Col. Trautman (Richard Crenna, who obviously struggle to find work) who has been captured by the Russian general in charge there. Bedlam ensues. Of course, we get the gratuitous this-hurts-but-I-have-to-do-anyway-or-I'll-get-a-nasty-infection-and-as-soon-as-I'm-done-the-wound-recovers-completely-and-without-any-lingering-pain self-performed surgical procedure (all I'll say is fire in the body baby!). I think I counted 60 or 70 confirmed kills by Rambo in this one. There's also a comical scene where he crash-lands a helicopter and escapes unscathed. Don't check it out. Please!
RE-ANIMATOR (1985)
This movie almost did not make the list…it was that good! Herbert West (played by Jeffery Combs in probably his best role ever), while in med school, performs a gruesome experiment on a corpse with his patented day-glo green serum and brings it back to life. He then gets tossed out of the school and moves into a house with doctor Cain(Bruce Abbott) to do further research on the formula on his own. If only things were that simple! It seems Dr. Hill (David Gale) wants the serum for himself. Herbie takes exception to this and beheads Dr. Hill with a shovel. See if you can guess the next scene, does Herbie:
- chop up the body into little pieces and throw it in the furnace, this disposing of the evidence and clearing himself of any involvement in the murder? OR
- inject the body and the severed head with the re-animating juice?
YOU make the call! I won't tell you, but I will give you this hint: there's a great scene later on involving the female lead and oral sex. Fill in the blanks. An excellent mix of humor and gore, I highly recommend this for a truly crappy film experience.
RED SONJA
You'd think that any barbarian chick movie starring Bridgette Nielson couldn't be too bad...or could it? The answer is yes, Virginia, it could. Not only was Bridgette fully clothed for the entire movie, not only were the fighting scenes reminiscent of rythmic gymnastics, not only was there little blood and almost no guts, but to top it off….you have to watch Arnold try to act! No sidekicks to do all the talking. No snappy one-liners after he offed an opponent. No, he tries, miserably, to act. It's frightening.
ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES shits
As I suffered through this torture, I thought fondly of the Disney version. You know: the fox, the bear, the lion, the snake. That was a good flick. Then there was Kevin. For the good of all men, and the love of one woman, he fought to uphold justice by breaking the law. Kevin Costner stars as Robin of Lockley, with a cast that includes Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater and Die Hard's Alan Rickman (who, as usual, is a great villain). Despite a relatively talented cast, the movie sucked and flopped at the box office as well. Kudos to Kevin Costner, though. One can only imagine how hard it is to successfully alternate between a really bad English accent and a normal American accent. He is a true thespian.
ROBOT WARS (1993) Full Moon Entertainment/Paramount Pictures
Somebody decided to ruin the good name of the Transformers with this vial of cinematic cyanide. This film features YET ANOTHER post-apocalyptic desert landscape; America after the much-prophesied nuclear war. I don't remember much else from this movie. It earned its rating from the 30 minutes or so of it I saw on HBO (spread out over 8 different sittings). Over the next few months, I may see the rest of the scenes I missed and complete the synopsis.
ROCKY III
The first of the comical Rocky flicks (I & II were o.k.). Big ups for Mr. T, who prevented this movie from receiving a third shit. Big ups for killing of Mickey too (like I'm the only one thinking it!). This is the Rocky flick where Rocky—seemingly beaten by a superior foe—finds the strength, the courage, the INTESTINAL FORTITUDE to overcome his rival while simultaneously winning the hearts and the minds of all who witness the spectacle. It was moving (and you know which kind of movement).
ROCKY IV
Now, any movie starring Euro-stud Dolph Lungren has to be a crappy movie. Put him in a Rocky movie and you have a very crappy movie. He plays Ivan Drago, Russian superman. He is so bad ass that he kills Apollo Creed in the ring…if only we could be so lucky. This one is different from the other Rocky flicks. In this one, Rocky—seemingly beaten by a superior foe—finds the strength, the courage, the INTESTINAL FORTITUDE to overcome his rival while simultaneously winning the hearts and the minds of all who witness the spectacle. Along the way Rocky climbs a 13,000 foot peak (he was training). Be careful, this one is tough.
ROCKY V
Believe it or not, this is the only film series in the history of man to have gotten better instead of worse. Don't get me wrong, Rocky III and IV were awful. Rocky V, was more hilarious than anything else. Big ups for Tommy Morrisson—he really stretched to play a cocky, overrated fighter with a paper championship. This Rocky is different. After about 5 hours of buildup (Rocky, now retired, trains Morrisson to greatness) Rocky and Morrisson face off in a cool street fight. Morrisson is tough, but Rocky—seemingly beaten by a superior foe—finds the strength, the courage, the INTESTINAL FORTITUDE to overcome his rival while simultaneously winning the hearts and the minds of all who witnessed the spectacle.
SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978)
I can only think of one way to ruin this album. The film produces could think of several. And they used them all. This movie is, in short, the low ebb of Western Civilization. It is a strange attempt to weave about thirty unrelated Beatles songs into some sort of story. The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton play the title roles. The supporting cast includes Aerosmith, George Burns, Alice Cooper, and Frankie Howerd. I saw this movie almost 20 years ago, and I'm still trying to figure out why they had to go and do that.
THE SEVEN MAGNIFICENT GLADIATORS (1983)
Another of Lou Ferrigno's "spaghetti" action flicks. As in the Hercules flicks (see above), Lou's voice is mercifully dubbed throughout this feature. You can tell from the opening credits that this is going to be one of those movies. Lou plays this barbarian dude who gets his six magnificent gladiator buddies to help him save a village and slay the evil doers. I wonder what the United States did to provoke our ally, Italy, into sending us this nuclear bomb.
SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET (1997) Sony Pictures Entertainment/TriStar Pictures
In the movie, "Lost Horizons" westerners find the mythical paradise of Sangri La. The locals are a bit concerned that if word gets out, more and more westerners would come and ruin their Garden of Eden. Rest assured, Tibet-ites: nobody who saw this movie would never, ever want to go to Tibet. It's about some climber dude who spends seven years in Tibet. You openly hope that he spends seven more so we never have to see him again. Brad Pitt does his best Costner-esque Austrian (or Swedish or German or Dutch or whatever the hell he was supposed to be) accent and pouts through the entire movie! At least I think he was pouting; Pitt shows the emotional range of a processing plant-bred chicken. I know I was pouting by the end of the movie. Couldn't even finish it.
SHOWGIRLS (1995) Carolco Picturs/Chargeurs/United Artists/Vegas Productions
All I can say is: 2 hours of naked beautiful girls couldn't revive this case of cariac arrest. I'll PAY you not to watch this movie.
SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
I'm not sure which was more amusing, Molly Ringworm or the special effects. This was a hilarious movie. I'm not sure what it was about. It was a bunch of comic book action scenes with Ringworm providing the comic relief. Somewhere along the way somebody gets rescued or something like that. If you ever get the chance to see this comedy, don't pass it up.
SPECIES
I cannot define the line that separates good cheese from bad cheese. I just know when that line has been crossed. Species crossed that line after the opening credits and never looked back. Normally, I'd love a movie about a femme-fatale super villain who brutally kills people after setting them up in a sexual manner. It didn't work here for two reasons: not enough blood and not enough sex. I pity Gandhi for having appeared in this flop (I hope he got paid well).
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979) Century Associates/Paramount Pictures
Don't go thinking I don't like Star Trek. In fact, I love Star Trek. That's why I have no choice but to rip up this senseless drivel. First of all, they stole the story from a Trek episode ("Nomad" for you serious Trekkers). Second of all, they wasted the entire effects budget (a landmark at the time) on backdrops. Third of all, nobody got killed! Since when does every extra escape unscathed in the Trek universe? What, were they out of red shirts? The only casualties were: someone who got vaporized in the transporter (we get no close-up), and two people who got turned into electricity. Fourth of all, and perhaps the biggest injustice…there were no "turbulent bridge sequences". You know, the ones where they still haven't invented seatbelts and people go flying left and right? This movie is a MAJOR disappointment, certain to put you and yours quickly to sleep.
SUPERGIRL (1984) Cantharus Productions N.V.
Helen Slater (related to Christian?) stars in the title role as the girl from Krypton. Actually, she's from somewhere in inner space, or something like that. Now I don't know how the comic book Supergirl came to be, but it was probably more imaginative than this movie. Anyway, Supergirl has to fight some witch who wants to get all the power in Ohio or something like that. I tried to nod off in this movie, but kept waking up to see if there was anything happening. There wasn't.
TARZAN, THE APE MAN (1981)
This movie would have received four shits but for two key aspects: Miles O'Keefe (pre-Ator) never talks and Bo Derek is always wet. That's about it. Really. There was absolutely nothing else of interest in this movie. The director apparently knew this, making sure his beautiful stars wore as little as possible throughout the movie. I ain't mad at him.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
Probably one of the most OVERRATED horror films of all time. It's not that the movie is neither gross nor scary (even back in 1981 when I saw it). It isn't. What's hard about watching this film is the emotionally draining scenes where Leatherface is chasing young and terrified Marilyn Burns over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The energizer bunny could not keep up with this shark attack victim.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE II (1986)
The twisted Sawyer family are back and they're still in the meat business. This time, they're chasing DJ Stretch (Caroline Williams), who enlists the help of Lefty (Dennis Hopper) to try and stop them. To tell you the truth, I walked out on this one…and I saw it at home!!! Don't even think about wasting your time with this one (you may grab a chainsaw and go ballistic).
+++LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III (1989)
Having become an official laughing stock, they just had to complete the trilogy. Why bother spending the money on a film that might actually make money? Who needs it when you got this as a write-off? I refused to see it. The rating came on the weakness of the previous two.
TOP GUN
I am the only person in the western world who absolutely loathed this movie. Hotshot Navy flyboy Tom Cruise and loyal sidekick Anthony Edwards decide to buzz the tower during exercises…so they get invited to Top Gun School. Oh yeah, he also bags his psychologist. He's just one of those loose cannons. You know…the kind of person the military just loves to have handling multi-million dollar equipment. I've never been one to demand realism in a movie but…come on! Never mind that pilots (even the best ones) wait years to get a plane. Never mind that the Navy has a notoriously poor sense of humor. Never mind that the military has a time honored tradition of breaking personal spirit. I'm not even going to talk about the comic book performances or the 3rd grade dialogue. This was the pits!
TRANSYLVANIA 6-5000 (1985)
Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis (Mrs. Jeff Goldblum at the time), and Ed Begley Jr. starred in this attempt at a horror movie spoof. Alas, their efforts were in vain for this feeble offering. Not to be confused with the far superior Haunted Honeymoon, this Kevorkian patient eagerly awaits its impending euthanasia…and so do you.
UNDER SEIGE
When a group of agents and mercenaries seize the USS Missouri in an attempt to steal tomahawk cruise missiles, the cook must save the day. Only, this is no ordinary cook; it's Steven Seagal. Watch in amusement as he does battle with Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey, two aspiring arms dealers in a non-stop Die Hard rip-off. This is Steven Seagal at his best (pity, isn't it?): corny and hokey. Like the scene where he and his men are pinned down in the crossfire of a gang of vicious, highly trained mercenaries. Stevie takes two machine guns and proceeds to walk casually down the hall picking off bad guys left and right and saving his men's lives. So much for being pinned down. Big ups for a brief (but revealing) look at Playboy bunny Erica Elaniak(?). That and a few good kills saves this movie from itself.
ZAPPED! (1982) Embassy Pictures Corporation
ZAPPED AGAIN! (1990)
If you happen to see Charles in Charge on anything else other than Happy Days, then you're probably watching Zapped! (the ! is part of the title…really). Ditto for his co-star—Tommy from Eight Is Enough. These are Modern Problems copycat movies made for horny teens. You know, telekinetic teens and cheerleaders? Unfortunately, they do not realize the a few panty shots do not placate horny teens (or adults) so the movie bombs.
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