This is a hard story for me to write, but I think that it is the right time to do so now.   I have shared many poems on this that are featured on this site, but now I will share the story.
Some of my memories have been "blocked" or "repressed" from this incident, so I will share what I remember.

The year is 1991.   I am just 19 years old, and on a new adventure.   I moved out of home and interstate to Melbourne where I had met some friends on a previous visit, and now I had arranged a place to live with one of the women from church where I shall be attending.  This is a big step for me, but exciting all the same.

It was June or July in 1991, and I had a boyfriend whom I shall call Bill, who appeared charming and fun to be with....in the beginning.   Bill was younger than me by two years, and at 17, he was someone who made me feel good by just having fun, and forgetting about anything that worried me, like living so far away from my family.  I had a whole new bunch of friends at my new church at Harvest CLC and Metal Kingdom, a study for those of us who enjoyed Heavy Metal music.   There I made some lifelong friends who are still with me today.   My life seemed idyllic.   But there were cracks in my new-found happiness.

Bill was the youngest child of four ~ two brothers (still single) and an older sister, who was married with children.   His parents slept in separate bedrooms since his father had a cerebral haemorrhage, and kept his room locked.  His mother was a devout Catholic who spent most of her mornings at her church, cleaning.  Bill moved out of the house and into a "cubby house" in the backyard for his bedroom.  It was just over the size of single bed.   It never struck me then as an odd arrangement.    I spent a lot of time with Bill at his house, or vice versa.  I remember one day we were in his "room" listening to some music, and his dad threw open his door and as Bill was about to introduce us, his father screamed at him for being evil and "this kind of thing" does not go on here etc.   It was at Bill's house in 1991 that I first watched the game of AFL football.  Tigers were my team at first as I love Big Cats, but then I followed my dad in supporting Essendon.   Anyway, I knew Bill had a sad home life and a low self-esteem.  His happy smiles were a facade to hide this sorrow.   But what I wasn't aware of, was Bill's past fascination and involvement with the occult and witchcraft.   Not at this time anyway.

In August I moved into the unit with a woman from my new church.   Bill came to "live" at my place almost, and it was then I gave way to all that I had been taught, and Bill and I began a sexual relationship.  We were each other's first....but it wasn't something special.  In fact, I can't even remember it.  It just happened.   Sometime around then, Bill began to treat me badly.  It was a shock to my world, as I had never known such abuse.   His favourite game was to ring me up and get angry over something small, and then hang up, knowing I would return his call.  He'd pick the phone up and hang up again and again.  Luckily, Bill lived close by and I went to his house to see him.  His father told me he had gone to the hardware store and would be back soon.   I was inside watching TV when I heard the side gate.  I saw Bill walking down the side of the house and he saw me.   I waited for him to appear, and some minutes later, he tried unsuccessfully to hide the smile from his face.  I never understood why he did this.  He was a sadist, and took great pleasure in hurting me.   Bill was not a violent abuser, but emotional and mental.  He was a master of mind games, and played them continually, driving me crazy.  I cannot remember much of our relationship....I believe my mind has chosen not to....so it is hard to say exactly what happened.  I can only say what I do remember.

In September, there was a heavy metal "gig" at our church with a couple of the bands, who had some members attend the church.   The lead singer of one of them was the leader of our study group, and many people pitched in to help, and my job was helping with the merchandise.   As I was doing so, Bill appeared and began to belittle me in front of the other people, and told me I wasn't doing it right.  He had hung out with the band a lot longer than I had so he knew what to do.  He moved everything I was laying on the tables, and I remember wanting the ground to swallow me from this embarrassment.   But I ran off in tears and sat in the corner, away from everyone.   And it was here I found true friendship....  A caring soul walked up to where I was sitting and he asked me if I was OK.   I had seen him at the study group but had never met him.   He introduced himself, though I shall call him Brian.  He sat with me for a good while, talking to me and gave me something I had never known ~ true friendship and unconditional love.  He didn't know me, yet he chose to show me he cared.  He gave me his number, and during the following months we became best friends.   Bill, on the other hand, continued his petty selfishness and abuse toward me, although at times, he, Brian, myself and another close friend, Andrew, had good times together.   Andrew offered Bill a home when things got bad at his place, and even a job as a roadie for a Jewish/Christian performer.   I often went along with Andrew and Bill to the performances and one such in Seaford stands out in my memory.   Bill was yelling at me about something, and I ended up walking off up the street, where I called Brian at home and talked to him.  Brian and I were best friends, and shared a connection that defied explanation ~ we understood and accepted one another, and loved one another anyway, but there was something else always there too.  We'd feel each other's pain and understood.  We were true friends.  And as I was crying on Brian's shoulder, a hand reached out and hung the phone up ~ it was Bill.  I called back, he disconnected my call.  We fought, and I was still in tears.   After the performance, Bill and Andrew packed the gear and then Bill disappeared.   Andrew then drove me to Brian's place, where I talked to him.   What Brian and I didn't know was we were slowly falling in love with one another.... I didn't know until later the significance of the Bryan Adams' song "Do I Have to Say the Words?" that he played when we were often together.  It remains one of my favourite songs to this day.

Bill's abusive behaviour had worsened as time went on, and I cried on both Brian's and Andrew's shoulders.  Andrew was like a big brother to me and Brian was a special gift from God to me ~ both important to me, and both special.   Then Brian and I discovered the feelings we felt for each other  were very much mutual.   I ended my relationship with Bill, which was becoming increasingly destructive, and the rest is history.... But it didn't end there.    I was Bill's first love, though we remained friends....until March 1992.

By March of 1992, Brian and I had been together for nearly six months and things were going great.  I had a great life where I was, and although I missed my family, I was very happy with Brian and my life.   My "big bro" Andrew practically lived at my house, and Bill was in our group of friends, and things were good.   It was never a secret that Bill still felt for me, but it was the past and we had put it behind us.  Maybe I was stupid to think so.   And maybe it was thoughtless of me also....but it was no excuse for his actions.   26th March 1992 is a day I will never forget.   It is my friend Andrew's birthday, but it was also the day my life changed forever....

Andrew went to the country to spend his birthday with his family, and Brian was at home busy with his studies ~ something that I was used to.    I had been on the phone to a friend and Bill was there too.   It was forgotten news that we were ever together.    When I was with Brian I watched cricket, and it was on TV that night when there was a knock at the door.  When I opened it, there was Bill.  What happened after that is a blurred memory, but there are fractured pieces where I remember the TV on in the background and the shower running.   That night my life changed forever.  Bill came to me intent on seeing me back with him....on a night he knew Andrew was away and Brian was busy.  And my flatmate was always out anyway.   I don't remember how it began, I only remember laying on my lounge room floor, with sounds of the TV filtering my mind.  I remember the shower as I lay on my bed ~ how I got there I'm not sure ~ and I remember his clothes on the floor, with mine around me.   And I remember pain.   Bill changed my life, he betrayed me and made me think it was my fault.   I lost more than my self respect after that ~ I lost everything.  How could I forgive him for destroying everything that meant so much to me?

It took me a while to say something, and I'm not sure who I told first, but I think it was Brian.   Andrew was mortified that his friend could do something so horrible.   I went to the leaders of our study group and confided in them what had happened, and the next I knew it was around everyone and people were gossiping.   Bill maybe told them his version of it.   Andrew told me just a month or so ago that Bill was banned from the church after that, but that was the extent of their concern.  No one offered support or help, or even suggestions on where to go for help.  No one followed me up to see how I was doing.  No one really cared.  And I felt betrayed all over again.

I struggled after that with what happened ~ I came to believe that I was to blame, that I had cheated on Brian and slept with Bill that night.  But I knew that it was not in my character to do such a thing.   I became bitter and angry to a point as I struggled with my pain.    People said that I didn't act like a victim and Bill didn't act like a rapist.   In the end, I believed what they were saying about me ~ I was a slut and I had betrayed Brian.   I told him so, and in June 1992 he broke up with me, though just for a while.    He was tortured, as was I.  He loved me, as I loved him.  I remember his brother letting me in to their place one day and I saw Brian in tears in his room with his mum....he later told me that she said "If you love her so much, why break up with her?"   So Brian and I got back together, but we never spoke about what happened.   Of all the things I could tell him and that we could talk about, this was not one of them.   I couldn't tell him of the shame I felt, and how it affected me.  We never spoke of it again.   And I never knew how he felt for this was one thing he never told me.   In the end, Bill won....I lost Brian.   We were still best of friends, but it still hurt.  Brian still loved me, I know....but I didn't understand why he couldn't be with me.   15 months later, I left and went back to my family.  Brian and I knew what we wanted but it seemed so out of reach....and it was then I married my first husband, and so began my punishment of myself.   I never stopped loving him (my ex-husband), although I stopped thinking about him..   For whatever reason I lived in abusive situations, it was my fault ~ I could have changed myself and faced the nightmare that affected me from then on.   I could have changed my situation, and not lost what was important to me.  I think I may have stopped believing God at this time, although I still went to church.

Time stopped for me in March 1992 though everyone else moved on....yes, it is the past, but it is the kind of abuse that has affected everything about me since then.   It changed my life.   And Bill won....  I have hated him for so long.  It has now been almost ten years since this happened, and I am sick of the bitterness and anger and hate.   I am sick of being a person I don't recognise anymore.   I'm sick of not being myself and belonging anymore.  I am sick of hurting.    This has been a very difficult story to share with you all, but it was time to do so.  It is time to face it.   I have not wanted to share this story until I got to tell Brian just what happened ~ to tell him that I never betrayed him, that I was raped by a friend, my ex-boyfriend, and that it changed me and almost destroyed me.   I had not seen Brian in many years, but recently God gave me that chance.    I was able to tell Brian the truth....I was able to talk to him about it at last.   I only hope he understands.   Bill?  I have not seen him again, and although God is telling me to work on forgiving him, I hope I never see him again.

To Brian and Andrew ~ the people who meant the most to me then.
You know who you are.

"Silent Cries"
 

My story is just one of millions who suffer from acquaintance rape.  Though every situation is different, it is still a lonely and painful experience to endure ~ no matter who it was.   It is always easier for others to say "why doesn't she report him?"     I always used to think that....but acquaintnce rape is VERY hard to prove, though not impossible.  I chose not to pursue it, because I couldn't go through it, as I had no support.   But I know that he will have to answer for what he's done one day.   If you have been raped, either by a stranger or someone you know, then please, get some help.  There are many organisations and churches in your country and city that can help.   Not everyone will experience what I did when asking for help.   (I now go to that same church again and those I have confided in about it are shocked at how it was handled then).
PLEASE, don't become another statistic ~ many women like me are crying for someone to help!
Call 000 in Australia, 911 in USA, 999 in the UK for emergency situations or your local police station!