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Doctor-Patient Jokes
- 21. Fees for CAT Scan A woman
brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart.
"I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the doctor replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The doctor rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador retriever. The woman looked on
in amazement as why the dog was there, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog and took him away. He then returned with a beautiful
cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its its
head to toe and back again.
The cat sat back, shook his head, meowed softly, jumped down
and strolled out of the room. The doctor looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, Madam, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certified, a dead
duck."
Then the doctor turned to his computer, hit a few keys, and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman. The woman, still in shock, took
the bill. "150 Dollars?" she cried. "150 Dollars, just to tell me
that my duck is dead?"
The doctor shrugged. "I'm so sorry. Madam. But if you had taken my word for it, the bill would
have been only 20 Dollars. But the bill increased with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it
all adds up. I am extremely sorry for this."
2. Doctor! Doctor! Give Me the News!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor Who
was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his
rounds so the community could come used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the
fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" I didn't have to. You
noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over
to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at
the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the
energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope, I
bent down to retrieve it, and I noticed the preacher under the bed."
3. Help Me, Please!
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for
the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the
table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his
inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it
as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the
'B'."
4. MEDI-CLAIM
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us having
sex, for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse." and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and Then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we
can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Oberoi Hotel charges Rs 2,500, Taaj Hotel charges Rs 2,000, Le Meridian
charges Rs 1,500. We do it here for Rs 300, and I get that back from Medi-claim.
5. The Duck
Three doctors are out shooting and a bird flies overhead. The general
practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a
duck...
it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses, and the bird flies
away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks
through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm. Green wings, yellow
bill, quaking sounds . . . . . .might be a duck." He raises his gun to
shoot,
but the bird is long gone.
Then a third bird flies over. The surgeon raises big gun and shoots.
Almost
without looking, he brings the bird down and turns to the pathologist and
says, "Go see if that was a duck."
6. What Problem?
Patient: "Doctor,
7. I Will Buy Both of Them
A butcher, who had had a part
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