1. How Hot is it in the Hell?
A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there are more than one of such religions and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all people and
all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives
us two possibilities:
(1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
(2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Banyan during my Freshman
year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is
exothermic.
2. There's Only One October...
Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their
lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe,
"You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell
me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my
friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes
on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a
distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good
news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!!!"
3. Ducks in Heaven...
Three women die together in an accident and go to
heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here
in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on
a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the
second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who
doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains
them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them
together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
4. Sorry, I couldn't Recognize
You
A middle aged woman had