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I found the following
write up on a website of action-electronics.com in 1998, but now it is not
there. I liked it very much so I printed it from there, and now I am
reproducing it for those who missed it.
If
They Made Toasters
If IBM made Toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to
be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five,
maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made
toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack
made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it.
Or you could buy all the parts to build your own
toaster.
If University of
Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called
WarToast.
If ParcPlace made
toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made
Toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and
styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd
discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three
years away, and that indeed the whole appliance
was just blowing
smoke.
If Sun made
toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really
good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still
make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the 80's, didn't they?
If
Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which
takes in toast
and gives you regular bread.
If Tendem made
toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got
burned the
toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking
machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same
time.
If Cray made
toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand
Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless
black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of
it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number,
and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified
government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made
toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
the NSA could
access in case they needed to get at your toast
for reasons of
national security.
If Sony made
toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the
single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your
belt.
If Timex made
toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price
made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin
Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted piece
of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter
toaster.
If CostCo made
toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a
six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made
toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have
to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but
you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000
pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw
enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the
space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be,
and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out
who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless
would buy them since most of the good bread only works
with their
toasters.
If Apple made
toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
5 years
earlier.
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