The International Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dyslexic Newborn Gerbils
Jump down on this page to a specific case study:
-Gerbil Pit Fighting in Siberia
-Benny
-Speedy
-Bobby
-Texan Bog Gerbil
-Breaking News from Siberia
-Weak News from Newsweek
More Shocking News From Siberia: (10/5/00)
This reporter is appaled at the cruelty to gerbils in Siberia, especially newborn dyslexic ones, but this takes the cake. In the past we here at the society have encoutered cruelty in the form of imprisonment, animal testing and even chinese water torture, but this was just inhuman. In Verkhoyansk, Siberia (if you are ever in town check out the red light district, trust me on that one) is a small pub called Volshinkanavok, which means "Liquor in the front and poker in the back." But in reality there is no poker in the back, but instead a ring of dirty money and gambling, over gerbil pit fighting. Similar to the New York City Cock Fights this spectacle has gerbils grawing and scratching each other to death in order to survive. In some cases a ringer is brought in that is outside the required weight limits (see link to Mutant Japanese Gerbils) that completely destroys the competition. This goes unchecked due to the earnings going to fund the local guinea pig gestapo, bastards. The fighting has mutated the gene pool to strngthen the gerbils but has led to an increase in dylexia in the newborn gerbils of the surrounding area. We must fight this atrocity. Write your congressman and tell them that you want to end all trade relations with Russia until the government cracks down on this highly immoral and illegal practice.
SOON TO COME!!! Gerbil Ball Bowling and And Dylexia leads to increase in testicle surface area but decrease in volume, find out how!!
-Siberian Agent Matt Hasty
"Benny"
Case Study: 000461
by Special Field Investigator
Harrison Wright
After a thorough study in the laboratories at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, it has been concluded that "Benny," an albino gerbil with an intense case of dyslexia, died due to overwhelming torture due to his mutation and handicap. In the history of gerbil studies, it is a recurring theme of albino gerbils being serverely tortured because of mutations. The additional variable that "Benny" was dyslexic added to the scientific rage that ensued among renowned scientists. The most preferred form of torture was carried out in the "back room." The scientists took part in a weekly "fetching session." The scientists would gather the neccesary materials: a 1" diameter PVC pipe, Vaseline, gerbil food, and "Benny". Due to the confidentiality of this project, it is unlawful of this study to release specific details about what was done with the PVC pipe in the "back room," but you can just use your imagination.
"Speedy"
Case Study: 015234
by Matt Hasty (Chair of Research Operations--Siberia Division)
"Speedy" had a rare case of SIGDS (sudden infant gerbil death syndrome).
Unlike most cases, "Speedy's" mother was not on crack. However, traces of LSD were found on her feeding dish as well as on the tracks of her wheel. This is believed to be the cause of an interesting side effect. "Speedy" often changed colors, like a chameleon, before his sudden death. The perhaps oddest shade was one similar to that of B-12 saturated hamster urine. This effect is common for gerbils whose mothers took high doses of LSD or fed on large amounts of Siberian Flying Squirrel Guano during their pregnancy. As we did the autopsy on "Speedy" we also found high levels of zinc. This again was at the fault of "Speedy's" deadbeat mother. The lack of nourishment from his mother's breast milk caused "Speedy" to attempt to eat his wheel. However, he could not bite through the iron, only the zinc plating. This would cause not only his case of SIGDS, but also his dyslexia.
"Bobby"
Case Study: 001256
by Austin Hoke (Assistant Substitute Janitor)
This is the tragic story of "Bobby", a backwoods dyslexic newborn gerbil. He was entered by his owner into a burrowing contest in upstate West Virginia. Folks from all over the county came out of the woods to enter their gerbils into the contest. From the day he'd been born, "Bobby's" entire life was geared toward winning the burrowing contest, through hard times and the good. Finally, he won. However, the county vet determined that "Bobby" was ineligible to claim the prize (a lifetime supply of pine shavings for his gerbil cage), because he was a dyslexic newborn gerbil. Being deprived of his lifelong dream, "Bobby" committed suicide by burrowing himself to death. This is another reason why people should be informed about dyslexia in gerbils.
"The Texan Bog Gerbil"
Case Study # 004779
By Thom G. Robinson
Darwin can play interesting games with nature. Often a gradual, but dramatic change in environment or habitat can result in peculiar adaptative genetic responses in a species. An oft-cited example are the freshwater sharks of Lake Nicaragua in Central America, which were once oceanic sharks but adapted to the environment as the Pacific Ocean receded. The lake was created out of the ocean's recession, and the newly isolated body of water, once an arm of a saltwater bay, became less "salty", forcing the shark to adapt to the
freshwater to stay alive.
A similar occurence has been chronicled recently in Southeastern Texas. The gradual change in the course of the Trinity River over time has resulted in the slow flooding of the Texan Bog Gerbil's marsh-like habitat. Quite remarkably, however, Darwin, being the old trickster that he is, gave the Texan Bog Gerbil species the ability to adapt to his changing environment, resulting in a peculiar evolution: the Texan Bog Gerbil's paws have become webbed flippers, and a most unprecedented change--the development of a small, fleshy dorsal fin on the Gerbil's back--has resulted in the Texan Bog Gerbil's new abilty to dive underwater to depths of up to a thousand feet of saltwater and swim at ridiculously high velocities of about twenty knots. This species of gerbil, it seems, has it made...
...or does it?
I have discovered through recently declassified government documents that, since 1991, the United States Coast Guard has been training the newly-evolved, aquatically-optimized Texan Bog Gerbils to carry small explosive charges underwater to render innavigable ships though to be smuggling illegal drugs into Miami or Tampa. Also, like the Army's Rangers and the Navy's SEALs, the Coast Guard has its own team of elite operatives, known as the G.O.L.D.F.I.S.H. (General Operations Legion Designated For Interoceanic Strategic Handiwork). The Coast Guard G.O.L.D.F.I.S.H. have been training squadrons of the Texan Bog Gerbil to infiltrate and take control of small Cuban fishing vessels as a part of its covert ocean-based operations.
Ultimately, the risks for the newly-evolved Texan Bog Gerbil are significant. Whether they are being used to carry small explosive charges on underwater suicide missions for the Coast Guard, or being trained as teams for ship infiltration by the Coast Guard G.O.L.D.F.I.S.H., the bottom line is that these wondrous new creatures are being treated inhumanely. The world's first ever truly aquatic gerbils are being threatened by the belligerence and ignorance of our nation's most laughably bastardized leg of the armed forces. Is this fair to the poor, defenseless Texan Bog Gerbil? No. It is time to end the madness.
If we don't do it, who will?
Breaking News From Siberia: (2/18/00)
After many hours, uh...um...er...I mean years of research it has been determined that the Siberian Burrowing Beaver (Titus Anwetis) is really a smallish gerbil. The issue is the hair. This species originated in the warm climates of Ecuador. However, a punk rock group known as "Great Exotic Roach Bobbing Is Legal" hated these small creatures. They rounded up the entire species and shipped them to Siberia. But the gebil was tough and was able to adapt just as Darwin said they would. The once hairless species has now grown a thick eight inch layer of hair to keep them warm. But the problem is that the locals worship the heretic guinea pig, a known enemy of the gerbil. Due to this obsession the locals are shaving the poor gerbils in savage, primalistic ceremonies of aminal sacrifice and abuse. This tourture has caused acute dyslexia in the gerbils. They are so terrified now that they try to burrow through the permafrost to escape, but die. We must stop this, ...but another question is raised...
...are the Yeti and Bigfoot real or just huge hairy gerbils?!
-Siberian Agent Matt Hasty
Disturbing, Shocking, Apalling News Update
Recently, Newsweek magazine published an article detailing the troubles that today's dyslexic children now face. However, an apalling exclusion was the absence of any mention of newborn gerbil dyslexia. President and
Founder Thom G. Robinson has notified Newsweek of its compromise of journalistic integrity by failing to even mention dyslexia in any rodents. We encourage everyone to call and e-mail Newsweek to complain.
More case studies coming soon. If you wish to serve as a Special Field Investigator, e-mail us at the address below.
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societyforthepreventionofcrueltytodyslexicnewborngerbils@hotmail.com