Narrator: Good morning, gentle listener, and welcome to the salty adventures of Captain Pants, who, with his trusty companions Captain Twinkle and Bosun Bosun, are three of the heartiest hearts who ever set sail in a pirate ship. Scouring the seven seas for adventure and booty. We find them on this fine morning moored in Portsmith, where Captain Pants is pouring over his charts and explaining to Twinkle his plans for the next bit of bucaneering.
Captain Pants: Oh, ar, arrr. See this Twinkle, this be the Spice Islands, me fine, pretty boy, the richest islands in the world, and all ours, all ours for the taking.
Twinkle: Hoorah.
Captain: Well may you hoorah, my fine (something!), for it is to these islands we shall plot our course *I'm going to get very tired of this voice very quickly!* and having some certain knowledge that I obtained through a very secret source.
Twinkle: You mean Big Wally, the one legged harlot?
Captain: Yes, alright, Big Wally the one legged harlot. Anyway, I know of one certain Spanish frigate that's setting sail in a few months, and we shall attack her and board her and pillage her precious cargo of spice. Just think, Cabin Boy Twinkle, all that nutmeg, cinnamon and oregano.
Twinkle: Actually, Sir, oregano is a herb.
*giggles* Sandy: He's changed character already!
Captain: No, it isn't.
Twinkle: Tis.
Captain: Twernt. Look, if it were a herb it'd come from the bloody herb islands, not the bloody spice islands, you stupid Cabin Boy. Once we have all the spices in the world, and have thrown the Spanish sailors to their doom, oh-arrr-arrghh-arr, I propose we sail around the Whitsundays.
Twinkle: Oh, capital thinking, Sir.
Captain: It's true, I've been under a lot of pressure lately.
* Knock, knock*
Captain: Enter.
Bosun Bosun: Captain Pants, Captain Pants, we have a problem.
Captain: What is it?
Bosun: This just arrived by the hands of a messenger, and what a strange messenger he was, too, with a peg leg, and a live salamander on his shoulder.
Twinkle: My godfather, that sounds like Brown Pete. Open the message, Sir.
Captain: Har, har etc. My God, it is the Black spot, the ancient pirate curse. Oh ar, Pete thinks he can scurvy off the Spanish spices. Well, (something. A lot of Arrr-ing.), we sail with the tide.
Twinkle: Which tide, the high tide or the low tide?
Bosun: We usually go with the high, but if we hurry we can catch the low
Captain: Quick, me hearties, to the main mast. We'll show Pete that he'll have to get up very early in the morning and be a better fighter than me if he thinks he can.... Quiet there... what's that noise?
*tap, tap, tap*
Bosun: Oh, sorry, that's just a noise I make with my mouth when I get excited.
Captain: Well, stop doing that. Twinkle, have the crew assemble on deck, I want to inspect the men and warn them about the dangerous passage ahead. Tonight, double rum rations and back rubs for all.
Narrator: So, splice the main brace and shiver the chimbers, let the keel hold the drunken sailor and so on and so forth, so gather around all ye landlubbers, same time next week, for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #2
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this morning's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. It's now two weeks since our hearty crew of buccaneers have set sail from Portsmith on their way to the Spice Islands. They now find themselves becalmed off the tip of Portugal. The crew's greatest enemy is boredom, which is not helped by the malevolence of Brown Pete, Pants' sworn enemy, who has sneaked aboard as Seaman Donor, and intent on whipping up mutiny. Let's go down below decks and listen to him recite instructions...
Brown Pete: Captain Pants be a loser! He be a fool, living in a fool's paradise! This mission is doomed for failure!
Paul: Oh, I've forgotten how my voice goes...
Mikey: Oh, belay that talk...
Twinkle: Oh, belay that talk, that be mutinous talk.
Seaman Sprays: Let him speak. How do you know that the captain knows what he's up to?
Twinkle: I've been looking at the captain's log.
*Phwoooaaarr!*
Twinkle: Yes, yes! He knows how bored we all are so he's going to provide us with some entertainment.
Seaman Sprays: Oh no, not his shadow puppets of the great sausages of Europe again?
Twinkle: No, Seaman Sprays. Although I am partial to his Bratwurst.
*Phwoooarr!*
Bosun Bosun: I think that the captain has everyone's best interests at heart.
Narrator: But what is the captain doing?
Captain Pants: Arrr, (something) or the men will never see me Cabanossi.
*Phwoooaaar!*
Twinkle: Sir, there are rumblings of boredom amongst the crew.
Captain: Arrrr, not once they've seen my amazing performing tackle.
Twinkle: They've seen it, Sir. The reviews were not kind.
Captain: Well, Twinkle, what do you suggest?
Twinkle: How about a flogging, that always keeps the men in line.
Captain: Arrr, arrr, but who to flog?
Twinkle: Well, I've been very naughty of late...
Captain: No, no, no, no. What we need is a good old-fashioned concert. You there, Seaman, what's your name?
Seaman Dover: Seaman Dover.
Captain: What?? What's your name?
Seaman Dover: Seaman Dover.
Captain: Seaman Dover. I don't think I know ye. What's ye first name?
Paul: (aside) Oh, God!
Seaman Dover: Ben, Sir.
Captain: Seaman Ben Dover?
Twinkle: Don't we all sir?
*Phwwwoooaaar!*
Paul: (aside) Oh, this is so embarassing, I wish I was dead.
Captain: I wish the crew'd stop doing that. So, Seaman Ben Dover, ha ha ha, just what can you do to entertain the crew?
Seaman Dover: Ah you know damn well, Sir. I've been told I have an interesting little hornpipe.
*Phwwwoooaaar!*
Captain: I swear I'll flog the next man who makes that gratuitous vaudeville noise.
Twinkle: Phwooooaaaar.
Captain: Twinkle, you're starting to shit me. Now pass out the men's... what the hell's happening to my accent?... arrr, now pass out the men's rum ration and tell them tomorrow night there shall be a concert on the poop deck, and in honour I shall stretch my repetoir of penile shadow puppets.
Twinkle: Don't stretch it too far, it may break.
Seaman Dover: May I suggest, Sir, that we have a theme night. You know when I was on the SS Contiki, we had a Hawaiian change-of-sex night, and it was a jolly jest.
Captain: Capital! Twinkle, tell the men to start making grass skirts immediately!
Twinkle: May I suggest coconut shell bras?
Captain: You may! I swear, Twinkle, we'll get the morale of this crew uppity-up-up-up!
Narrator: But outside the door...
Brown Pete: Arrr, is that what he thinks? Well, I may just have a few surprises there. Ha ha ha!
*laughs*
Narrator: And just what will the surprise be? To find out tune into next week's salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #3
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to today's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, the ship is becalmed off Portugal, the crew are bored, and to fight rumblings of mutiny, Captain Pants has decided to throw a concert. We take you now to his cabin, where he and Cabin Boy Twinkle are going over the last minute preparations.
Captain: Well, Twinkle, is everything ship-shape on the poop deck?
Twinkle: I've been working day and night.
Captain: Ah, nothing new about that.
Twinkle: Oh, yes, Captain. My fingers are worn to the bone.
Captain: I hope you haven't done all that polishing on your own.
Twinkle: Oh, no, Sir, I've had seaman running all over my, decks.
Narrator: Later that night, the concert's in full swing. Remember that Brown Pete has sworn to spoil it.
Twinkle: Well, how about that. Seaman Trickles and his dance of the seven chickens. I particularly enjoyed chicken number five, the self-saucer. Now, could we welcome to the stage Bosun Bosun, to sing the beautiful sea shanty Running Bear.
Bosun Bosun: On the banks/Of the river/Stood Running Bear/Young Indian brave/On the other side of the river/Stood his lovely Indian maid/Little White Dove/Was her name *giggles*
Mikey: Leave him out there...
Bosun: But their tribes/Fought with each other/Da da da da da da dah/Running Bear loved Little White Dove/With a love that wuoldn't diiiieee!
*claps*
Twinkle: Yes, well, wasn't that special? Now, fellow seaman, as you can see by the hanging sheet, we're about to be treated to a special performance of the captain's famous shadow impressions of the great sausages of Europe.
*boos*
Twinkle: Oh, theatre, theatre, theatre's so cruel. Now, take it away Captain. Ha ha ha ha!
Captain: Okay, here we go. Here's the Cabanossi (*claps*). And this one, this is the Buttered Chorizo (*cheers*). And, give me some time, I'll just gather a couple of thoughts here, I might be able to do a Bratwurst. OH MY GOD THE PAIN!!
Narrator: Oh dear. A dagger has attached the captain to the main mast. Who could have done this? To find out, tune in next week to the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #4
Narrator: Good morning dear listener and welcome to today's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Captain Pants has had his member skewered to the main mast. As we speak, Surgeon Falafel is trying to free it.
Surgeon Falafel: We need to sterilise the wound. Will one of you men stand up and come here for your rum rations.
Mikey: Give your rum ration, you idiot!
Surgeon: Give your rum ration, come on! One of you men must have some alcohol to spare.
Twinkle: I've got a spare Pena Colada.
Captain: Oh, Twinkle, you're a true friend. OH MY GOD IT STINGS!
Surgeon: Now men, you're to form a human chain behind the captain.
Twinkle: Oooh, I've read some books about this.
Surgeon: Now on the count of three pull! Can we sing a shanty.
Captain: Is it a little fruity?
Bosun Bosun: I'm afraid so.
Captain: Permission granted.
Ye are the sunshine of my life.
That's why I'll always be around ye.
Ye are the apple of my eye.
And forever ye'll stay behind me.
Narrator: Later that night, Brown Pete is once again trying to stir rumblings of mutiny in the crew.
Brown Pete: I tell ya, the captain's mad! We should never be sailing 'round the horn.
Pirate: We can't go 'round the horn, it's far too risky.
Brown Pete: Instead of travelling to the Spice Islands, I say we head for Jamaica and blow the Black Beardian treasure.
Pirate: That's an old wive's tale (??? I can barely understand a word Paul's saying!)
Brown Pete: Listen to these words, from salty old Dave here.
Dave: Arrr arrr arrr, etc.
Pirate: That makes sense.
Brown Pete: And look at this.
Twinkle: Oh my god, he's only got one buttock.
Brown Pete: Arr, might be me hearty, half a buttock, will be half a map, arr, one was chopped off by Black Beard himself. All we need to do is find it and sew up the other man's arse.
*giggles* (some lines are garbled here, because they are laughing too much!)
Narrator: And just where could that wealth be? To find out, tune in next week to the continuing adventures, the salty adventures, of Captain Pants.
Episode #5
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Brown Pete is trying to incite the crew to mutiny by claiming that Salty Dave has half a treasure map tattooed on his one existing buttock. Realising that he alone can never sway the crew, he decides to enlist the help of the one man that the crew will respect. The first mate, and true gentleman of the crew, Felcher Christian. Late that night, Brown Pete creeps into Felcher's quarters.
Brown Pete: How do I wake a man? Hey, hey, wake up Mr Felcher sir!
Felcher Christian: Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy! Help me, mummy, mummy! Oh, of course, it's you Brown Pete. What the hell are you doing stalking around in the did of nit?
Brown Pete: Oh my god, Felcher, your breath stinks.
Felcher: So I've been told. Now hurry up, Brown Pete. I was having a scrummy dream about inspection day at Eton and I'm damned keen to get back to it.
Brown Pete: Ahh, well, we all know that the captain be a fool, sending good men to their deaths, when we could have all of Blackbeard's treasure.
Felcher: Go on.
Brown Pete: Ah well, you know that snuff pouch that Pants' old mate, ah, Blackybird, gave him, you know the snuff pouch.
Felcher: Yes, but that's only half the map, we need to find where the other half is.
Brown Pete: Ahh, well, that be tattooed on Salty Dave's one surviving buttock.
Felcher: Oh my god, how do yo know that?
Brown Pete: Yes, yeah, you don't know that.
Narrator: Speaking of not knowing, just how is the poor captain after his near dismemberment?
Twinkle: Would you like to rub some more ointment on it, Sir?
Captain: That would be nice, but a bit slower if you don't mind.
Narrator: When suddenly Felcher Christian bursts through the door.
Felcher: Captain Pants, I must see your pouch.
Captain: Just come 'round here a bit.
Felcher: No, no, not that you fool! You fool! Put it away! Put it away! Put it back you fool, you animal, your ha ha, your snuff pouch. Everyone's seen that, and frankly, it's not (mumbled).
Captain: That be mutinist's talk, Mr Felcher.
Felcher: No it isn't.
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Felcher: Not!
Captain: 'Tis!
Narrator: My god, it looks like Brown Pete will get his way. But just how dependable is his story about the other half of the map?
Brown Pete: For goodness sake, Salty Dave, stay still. You're making the texta slip. I really wish you wouldn't sweat so much, you know.
Narrator: Just as I thought. To find out more, be sure to tune in to next week's salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #6
Narrator: Hello gentle listener and welcome once again to the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, First Mate Felcher Christian has gone to the captain to demand that the ship's mission be changed to going in search of Blackbeard's treasure. He is now telling Brown Pete how... he is meeting?
Mikey: How his meeting.
Narrator: How his meeting with the captain went.
Brown Pete: Right, ah, now sit here my lad and tell me everything.
Felcher: Well, I entered the room. A little loose at first, but I got it in the end. I asked the captain to show me his pouch, but he got his buttocks out.
Brown Pete: Ah, so the captain is refusing to share his half of the treasure map. Well, you'd better go and see him again, think of the gold. More than a seaman like you could ever make.
Felcher: But you forget that I am independently wealthy. I only sail the seven seas for adventure! Remember when my grandfather died, remember, because I don't! But when my grandfather died, I came... into a lot of money.
Brown Pete: Oh really? I prefer a hanky myself.
Narrator: Cabin Boy Twinkle is telling the captain of the possible mutiny.
Twinkle: I implore you, Sir. If you don't change our mission, the men will throw you and I to the sharks.
Captain: Ah, but Twinkle the legend of Blackbeard's treasure is just that. I may have half of it on this tobacco pouch, but no man knows, no man knows, where the rest of it be.
Twinkle: Tattooed on Salty Dave's one surviving buttock. Well, that be the rumour, Sir.
Captain: But what man be brave enough to inspect Salty Dave's one surviving buttock? That man ain't bathed since the Battle of Trafalgar. We be needing a volunteer.
Narrator: Later that day...
Twinkle: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! The captain needs a volunteer to come forward and inspect Salty Dave's one surviving buttock.
Seaman Dover: I'll do it.
Captain: You're a brave man, Seaman Ben Dover.
*shocked noises*
Brown Pete: There be the map!
Twinkle: X marks the spot!
Captain: Actually, I think that's the fistular. That's it men, we change course for Blackbeard's treasure, now that I've seen the map. Tell the navigator to top off the cape and go 'round the horn.
Twinkle: Sounds like fun.
*Hooray!*
Twinkle: Hoorah!
Narrator: But we need know... but we know...
Paul: Idiot! Idiot!
Narrator: But we know that the map tattooed on Salty Dave's one surviving buttock is a fake, the map that is. And what will happen? To find out, tune in to...
Paul: Idiot! You stuffed up again! Second time!
Mikey: You idiot!
Narrator: Next week, to the salty adventures of Captain Pants.
*Half heartedly sing theme song*
