Narrator: Good morning and welcome to this week's salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, the captain has decided to turn the ship around and head off for Blackbeard's treasure, little knowing that the second half of the map, tattooed on Salty Dave's one surviving buttock is fake, the map that is. But for now it is fair winds and high spirits.
Captain Pants: Ah, you know what Twinkle, I love the simple life of the sea.
Twinkle: Oh yes, Captain, there's nothing like salty spray in your hair to let you know that you're alive.
Bosun Bosun: Sir, Sir, begging the captain's time, but the men request permission to sing a sea shanty.
Captain: Is it fruity?
Bosun: I'm afraid so.
Captain: Permission granted.
Twinkle: You heard the captain, you scurvy dogs! Sing! Sing like you've never sung before.
It's raining men, arrr!
Hallelujah, it's raining men, arrr!
Hallelujah, it's raining men, arrr!
For the first time in history,
It's raining men, arrr!
God bless mother nature,
She be a single woman tomorrow, arr!
Hallelujah, glory, glory be god.
Narrator: Meanwhile, down below decks, Brown Pete has trouble of his own with Felcher Christian.
Felcher: Now, once we get the treasure, what say you and a good few men steal the ship and abandon the captain on the island.
Brown Pete: Ah now, good thinking Fletcher. Curses, if he finds out that the map is a fake it will be me that will be left on the island.
Felcher: What was that man, you stumbled in the middle there, I couldn't quite understand you.
Brown Pete: Ah yeah, well, ah, if he finds out that the map is a fake, it will be me that will be left on the island. That's what I said.
Felcher: Ahhh, what was that man?
Brown Pete: I was just admiring your tights. They would have to be the tighest tight I've ever seen.
Felcher: Yes, they have to be. It takes a pretty big cage to hold down a pretty big tiger.
*growling*
Felcher: In fact, I'm glad you reminded me, it's time for my daily airing. If anyone wants to see me, I'll be strutting my tackle on the poop deck. Poop! Poop deck!
Brown Pete: Yeah, thank god that pompous fool be gone. Now, where be Salty Dave, it be time to brush up on his one surviving buttock.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on deck, the captain and Twinkle are spending some quality time.
Twinkle: What do you think you'll do with your share of the treasure, Sir?
Captain: I think I'll open a bordello with one-legged Moe, the harlet. One-Legged Pants' Knockin' Shop, has a ring to it, don't you think, Twinkle.
Twinkle: Ring, yes, Sir.
Captain: I think I'd finally like to get away from all these crusty seaman.
Twinkle: Speak for yourself, Sir.
Bosun Bosun: Sir, the men are requesting permission to sing another sea shanty.
Captain: Is it fruity?
Bosun Bosun: I'm afraid so.
Captain: Permission granted!
Yo ho, blow the man down!
Twinkle: Oh, it's my favourite!
Narrator: And so, in good spirits, we leave Captain Pants for a while. But tune in in a few week's time for more of the adventures of Captain Pants!
Twinkle: Oh, I love it, it's fantastic!
Episode #8
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this morning's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. This week, with special guest a Michael Cain as Tony Bullimore. As you may remember, Captain Pants has turned the ship around and is now sailing for the great Southern ocean under the mistaken belief that they will find Blackbeard's treasure. We now join the captain on the poop deck with his faithful companion, Cabin Boy Twinkle.
Captain Pants: What's the matter Twinkle, you look exhausted.
Twinkle: Well, captain, I was up all night dancing the horn pipe.
Captain: Strange, I didn't hear any music.
Twinkle: You do your dance, and I'll do mine.
Captain: Twinkle, would you mind running down the stairs and fetching my log. I feel the need to make an entry.
Twinkle: Oh, promises, promises Captain!
Narrator: But downstairs, there is skullduggery afoot.
Twinkle: Brown Pete, you keep your hands off the captain's log.
Brown Pete: I was just looking for some tobacci. The captain said I could have some.
Twinkle: We'll just see how the captain feels... about this.
Brown Pete: I wouldn't go telling the captain any tales boy, not unless you want the whole crew to know your secret.
Twinkle: What? I'll scream! I'll scream! I'll scream this ship down! I'll scream! How could you possibly know my secret? How could you know it? How?
*giggles*
Mikey: He's gone!
Brown Pete: Nevermind, Mr (something).
Twinkle: Well, you've got me there, but I've got my eye on you.
Brown Pete: Oh well, I'd better go and get my raincoat then.
Twinkle: Just give me the log!
Narrator: Back on deck..
Twinkle: Here be your log, Sir.
Mikey: You've changed the character again!
Paul: I don't care! I'm having a lovely time!
Captain: Nevermind with that now. Nevermind with that. Now...
Mikey: I may change the character, but at least I get the words right.
Captain: Nevermind with that. Now, tell me, Twinkle, what do you see on the starboard bow?
Twinkle: Water.
Captain: And?
Twinkle: More water! And sky, lots of sky. Same as, same as it always is. Water, sky, sky, water, sky, water, water and sky. Hang on, what's that, an upturned boat?
Captain: And, it's flying a distress flag. Bosun, lower a rope and send out a rescue crew.
Bosun: Permission for the rescue crew to sing a sea shanty?
Captain: Is it fruity?
Bosun: I'm afraid so.
Captain: Permission granted!
Everybody's doin' a brand new dance ARRR!
Come on baby ye be doin' the locomotion!
You'll really get to like it if you give it a chance ARRR!
Come on baby ye be doin' the locomotion!
ARRR! ARRGGG! ARRR! etc.
Narrator: After a while, the rescue party returns with a poor, bedraggled lone sailor.
Captain: Welcome aboard the SS Crusty Barnacle, friend. You are safe here and can rest below.
Tony Bullimore: What would you do... if I told you... that this gun... was loaded?
Narrator: Oh dear. What new dangers await for our brave captain to find. And just what is Cabin Boy Twinkle's terrible secret? To find out, tune in next week to the further adventures of Captain Pants.
Paul: That was shit.
Episode #9
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's installment of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, the cew have just rescued a stranded English sailor from an upturned boat. Instead of thanking them, he is holding the whole crew hostage with a loaded pistol.
Tony Bullimore: What would you do... if I told you... that this gun... was loaded?
Captain: I do wish you'd stop saying that.
Twinkle: Now look here...
Paul: Oh my god, I've lost Twinkle! Where's Twinkle?
Mikey: Find the Twinkle within!
Paul: I couldn't find the Twinkle!
Twinkle: Now look here you rapscallion, just what do you think you are doing, pointing that musket in our direction, you ungrateful wench!
Bosun Bosun: We could rush him, Sir.
Captain: With what, our guns are below deck.
Bosun Bosun: I have a letter from my mother in my top pocket. I could give him such a nasty papercut.
Twinkle: Oh and I could rub lemon juice in it, that would really make him go ouch.
Bosun Bosun: You have a lemon?
Twinkle: I was saving it for a special occasion.
Bosun Bosun: I saw a drawing of a lemon once, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Show it to me.
Twinkle: What, and give away the element of surprise?
*bang!*
Tony: Now I told you... that that gun... was loaded... and so... is this one. Now bring me a wench... for I have been lonely at sea... for many months... and in desperate need... of female companionship.
Captain: You fool! This is a sea going vessel of His Majesty's Navy. We have no women on board. Sure, a few of the men after a bit too much rum will put on my wife's old ball gowns and put on a rather pleasing jig, but as for real women? We have none.
Tony: Then this is annoying... cove... is done for. Then this annoying cove... is done for. Then... this annoying cove... is done for. Oh no, not me....
Paul: Whoops! Oh no! Oh god! It's a whole crisis of characters! Schitzophrenic!
Twinkle: Oh not me. Oh the sad irony of my short life, oh for lack of a woman.
Seaman Donor: Oh put that poor man down.
Captain: Seaman Donor, back in line, this is serious.
Seaman Donor: But, Sir, I'm a woman.
Captain: Have you been on the rum?
Seaman Donor: No, Sir, I'm really a woman. I snuck on board in the desperate hope of finding my husband, who left several months ago on a solo around the world voyage in an upturned yacht.
Tony: Cindy?
Seaman Donor: Tony?
Captain: Oh for god's sake? How did you keep it hidden?
Cindy: Well, Sir, you may have noticed that I haven't bathed since Portsmith.
Captain: None of us have bathed since Portsmith, it's one of the best things about being a sailor!
Tony: Come here my darling... how I've missed you... let's go over the side... in this rowboat... and leave these stinky seaman... to their own devices.
Cindy: I can't I'm carrying Cabin Boy's Twinkle baby.
Paul: Did you want to repeat that because I didn't quite understand it.
*laughs*
Cindy: I'm carrying Cabin Boy Twinkle's baby.
Twinkle: You lying hound!
Cindy: Tis true! I swell with this baby before you now.
Captain: Twinkle, please explain.
Twinkle: She's lying! Oh, please don't kill me, please don't kill me. Oh, I'm a man, I'm a man!
Narrator: And so, this week's adventure ends remarkably similar to last week's. Oh and by the way, thanks to Jen Aldershaw for playing Seaman Dover. Will Cabin Boy Twinkle survive? To find out, tune in next week for the further salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #10
was a special Tuesday episode that I didn't get on tape.
Episode #11
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to today's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week, the ship is rapidly sinking and the men are staring at a watery grave.
Bosun Bosun: Oh mercy, Captain, we are doomed.
Captain: We need something to plug this hole.
Twinkle: It needs to be firm, but at the same time, pliant.
Captain: My god man, it's the middle of the 18th century, they haven't invented anything of that nature yet.
Bosun: Well, maybe, just maybe, Fletcher Christian.
Mikey: Felcher.
Paul: Felcher, that's really important, don't stuff that up.
Bosun: Felcher Christian may have the answer.
Paul: Felcher, Felcher Christian, see it's a play on words.
Sandy: I get it.
Mikey: Have you got your zip ready?
Paul: No.
Mikey: See, I told you wear pants...
Paul: No, I've got buttons!
Mikey: I said to wear pants with a zip you idiot!
Paul: Okay, I'll make the sound effect with my mouth.
Captain: Step forward, Felcher! Just what do you have to plug the hole and save the ship?
Felcher: Zip.
Wooooooow!
Bosun: Arrr, that's really amazing!
Felcher: Thank you, thank you, you know large genitals run in my family!
Captain: I'd have that seen to! Quick man, plug it in.
Twinkle: My god, it's a (something). Grrr!
Felcher: It's not the first time I've been told that.
Captain: Quick men, bail! Bail for your lives!
Bosun: Oh my god, the hole's getting bigger!
Felcher: Sorry about that lads, I'm just enjoying myself.
Bosun: The water's seeping in.
Captain: Felcher, quick!
Paul: Gee, quick's a popular word in this script!
Mikey: Yeah, well this one is dying. This script is dying.
Captain: Felcher, quick, can you keep the job up?
Felcher: My god, I'm getting a sphincter! Splinter!
Paul: Handwritten, ladies and gentlemen, sorry about that.
Captain: Quickly, Twinkle, run to my cabin and fetch my collection of adults only lino cuts.
Twinkle: Yes, Sir. Right away, Sir. Off I go, Sir. Here I go now, Sir. I'm going off.
Captain: Oh and Twinkle, do run a damp cloth over them.
Narrator: What will happen next? Will the captain's collection of hardcore pornography be enough to save the day? To find out, tune in next week for the salty, the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants!
Mikey: Oh the shame, the shame of it all.
Episode #12
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this morning's episode of Captain Pants. As you may remember from our special Tuesday episode, Nrown Pete has gone missing, and is assumed washed overboard.
Captain: Twinkle and Bosun, organise a search party for Brown Pete.
Bosun Bosun: Alright, Sir. Seaman Stains, Seaman Dover and Cabin Boy Twinkle, face the wall and count to ten.
Seamen: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Twinkle: Ahoy, Brown Pete, come out, come out, whereever you are.
Captain: We really must review our search party technique. Now, Felcher, you spent a lot of time with Brown Pete. Could he be anywhere unusual on the ship?
Felcher Christian: Well, yes, Sir. Well, yes, Sir. He was talking about starting a new orifice into the figure head.
Bosun Bosun: I don't think he's still doing that, Sir. Last time, he was covered in splinters for weeks.
Captain: Curse him! A flagon of rum for the man who brings me Brown Pete!
Narrator: Just where could he be? Hopefully not downstairs, fiddling with the captain's charts.
Brown Pete: Arrr, arrr! Arrrr! It'd be good to have a bit of time to myself to fiddle with the captain's charts.
Salty Dave: But why be ye doing that, says Salty Dave.
Brown Pete: Arrr, arrr! Don't you remember? If the crew find out I put a fake treasure map on your one surviving buttock they'll kill me. Arrr, arrrr! Anyway, I'll just use a bit of white out to move the supppsed treasure island a few miles to the south. Just here should do the trick!
Salty Dave: But that be the location of the Spanish Garrison. Arrr! Arrr!
Brown Pete: As you know, the Spanish government has put a price of a thousand dubloons on the head of the Captain Pants. I'll just hand him over, collect the money, and then this ship will be mine!
Twinkle: Oh not so fast Brown Pete. I have overheard your evil scheme and I shall now scream the place down, and...
Brown Pete: Arrrrr! Nice whacking Salty Dave!
Salty Dave: It were me major at Pirate School.
Brown Pete: Quick, let's shove him in the captain's locker!
Salty Dave: We'll put him in the locker. His locker seems to be full of oversized women's clothing.
Twinkle: Oh my head, oh my head, I think I'm bleeding from my ear.
Captain: Salty Dave, Brown Pete, what are you doing going through the dress up cupboard?
Salty Dave: I was just finding Brown Pete here.
Captain: Well, well...
Paul: It's Sibyl time here, isn't it?
Captain: Well done, a flagon of rum for you, my boy. Bosun, come in here, we've found Brown Pete.
Bosun: Well, that's all and good, but now Captain Boy, Cabin Boy Twinkle has gone missing.
Captain: Oh this is getting ridiculous.
Narrator: It certainly is. Will they find Twinkle in time before he is smothered to death in the cross dressing apparel? And what of Brown Pete's evil scheme to betray Pants to the Spanish? To find out, dont' forget to tune in next week to the further salty adventures of Captain Pants.
