Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Brown Pete and Salty Dave have locked Cabin Boy Twinkle in the captain's secret dress-up cupboard. And, of even greater danger, is the fact that they have altered the captain's charts so that the SS Salty Barnacle will sail into the Spanish trap that Brown Pete is hoping to set. It is now late at night, and the captain is alone, going over the events of the day.
Captain Pants: Ah, geez, I've had a few. Twinkle, oh where can my faithful Cabin Boy Twinkle be?
*Twinkle begins making muffled screams from the cupboard*
Captain: Oh I wish he was here, I feel like playing dress-ups. I wish he wasn't overacting. I need my Twinkle to help me with my corset. Ah, stuff him, I'll wear something backwards. Ah, Pants you're a pretty man, a very pretty man. And maybe these diamontes and... my god, Twinkle, what are you doing in the cupboard?
Twinkle: Oh my Captain, I thought I would choke to death on this padded bra. Not the way I expected to go out.
Mikey: Trying the new voice this week, are we?
Paul: Twinkle's a bit schitzophrenic.
Twinkle: Sir, I have dreadful news. The treasure map on Salty Dave's one surviving buttock is fake and brown... fake and Brown Pete has altered the treasure map to lure you into a trap, with the Spanish Garrison, and intends to take the ship and the crew and leave you to be kiiiiilled by the Spanish.
Captain: Gosh, that's a lot of plot.
Twinkle: Well, Sir, shall we go and make them... shall we go and wake them from their beds and drive a sword through their trecherous hearts?
Captain: No, we'll let them think we don't know what's going on, and anyway, we have more important things to worry about.
Twinkle: My god.
Captain: Well, are my seams straight?
Twinkle: Oh yes, but I wish you had a pair of those hose with a crutch in them.
Captain: My god man, this is the tropics, you can't wear...
*knock knock*
Bosun: Captain, I was just about to take over the midnight watch and I was wondering if there be any news of the whereabouts of Twinkle.
Captain: I'm afraid not, my man. In fact, let the men know that I fear he has been washed overboard. And tomorrow we should hold a memorial service.
Bosun: I'll just inform Parson Wind so he can do a Bible reading.
Captain: And Bosun, you won't tell the men you saw me wearing this.
Bosun: But, Sir, the whole crew delights in your habit of dressing up. And some of the men, well Sir, if I may be frank, they find you rather attractive. And anyway, it helps remind them of their sweethearts at home. Mind you though, I doubt if my darling would get about in a pair of crotchless tights.
Captain: My god, haven't you men ever heard of thrush? Oh sure you'll through limes down til you pass margaritas, just because of cook and his raves about scurvy, but show some awareness of thrush and the whole navy thinks you're a strumpet.
Bosun: I'm sorry, Sir, we're all just a little upset over Twinkle.
Captain: Apology accepted, in fact, in memory of Twinkle, I give permission to sing a grieving sea shanty.
Bosun: It's a little fruity, Sir.
Captain: That's the way he would've liked it.
Bosun: Oh alright. You scurvy dogs, sing loud for Twinkle.
Young man,
Are ye in a new town ARR!
Young man,
Pick yourself up off the ground ARR!
Tis fun to stay and dance.
YMCA! ARRR!
Tis fun to stay and dance.
YMCA! ARRR!
ARRR!!! ARGGGG! ARRR! Etc
Narrator: So, just what...
ARRR!!! ARGGGG! ARRR!
Narrator: So, just what is
ARRR!!! ARGGGG! ARRR!
Narrator: So, just what is Captain Pants playing at? To find out tune in next week for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Mikey: The shame of it all.
Episode #14 (written by Paul)
Narrator: Good morning, gentle listener. On this tragic day, the good Captain has come down with a mysterious sickness, and has locked himself in his private cabin. Outside his private chambers, his crew have gathered to discuss the good captain's illness. Why are there grinding sounds (Paul starts making sick noises in the background) constantly creeping from his room? Where is the smell of horse chestnuts and clawing coming from? And what has happened to Philipe, the small yet charming Mexican wetback of dubious sexuality? If you want to know the answer to these, and many other obtuse questions listen up, cause here it comes. Yo! Today, we are joined by three new crew members, more able bodied seamen, Ophelia Cox. Ophelia?
Ophelia: Here.
ARRRR!!!
Narrator: Private Dick Stroker?
ARRR!!!
Nrrator: Private?
Dick: Here.
Narrator: And Pissed and Broke.
ARRR!!!
Pissed: Here.
Narrator: Let the tale begin...
* Knock, knock, ARRRGGGHH, knock *
Bosun Bosun: The Captain has locked his door and we can't get into his room. What on Earth could be going on in there?
Ophelia: We have to get in!
Twinkle: Well, normally I wouldn't, but just this once!
Bosun: No, you dirty ..., hitch up your britches, we must enter the Captain's chambers.
Twinkle: The Captain's chamber has never been breached before.
Dick: We must force our way in! He has something we need...
Twinkle: But if you force your way in, it'll be buggery.
Bosun: Burglary, burglary, burglary Twinkle, burglary!
Twinkle: Oh whenever you break and enter, it's buggery to me.
Pissed: We have to gain access to the cabin's log. To get the map! To get the notes! That leads to the place where we can moor the boat. And then, you foolish lump of barnacle slime, we can go ashorely.
Bosun: Surely? It must be a dream!
Twinkle: Oh! I'll be able to go back to the farm! Oh, oh, the happy days. Feeding the chooks. I'll be able to go riding the horses, milking the bulls...
Bosun: Twinkle, Twinkle, you milk the cows, not the bulls.
Twinkle: You milk your way, Bosun. I'll milk mine.
Ophelia: But, lo, let us listen for a moment to the goings on in the Captain's cabin.
* moaning and groaning and giggling for about five minutes!! *
Twinkle: Parson Wind, what do you make of all of this?
* fart*
Parson Wind: Oh, this is against the wills of God, someone evil this way comes!
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Twinkle: Oh, something evil that way comes.
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Parson: Ah, the Captain is not alone. The young, attractive, loose hipped, full lipped, Mexican lad Emanuel is there with him.
Twinkle: No, he's not.
Parson: Not that young slip of nothing that is always sucking on an Havanan cigar.
Twinkle: That's not a cigar!
Parson: Settle, Twinkle. He's from Havana.
Twinkle: He's a wetback!
Parson: Cuban.
Twinkle: Wetback!
* More moaning and groaning *
Bosun: If he wasn't a wetback before, he is now.
* Just a lot of noise! *
Parson: That voice is in pain. I fear the Captain has split him open like a...
Twinkle & Parson: Pinnate!
Ohhh!
Twinkle: Lucky thing!
Parson: And when he's finished with Emanuel, he might turn us on!
All: Oh no! Then we'll all be in the shit!!
Narrator: Thus ends another episode of the turgid tales of the Captain of the high seas, the man that wears the pants, he who goes by name - CAPTAIN PANTS!!
Paul: That was a classic!
Episode #15
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this morning's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Brown Pete and Salty Dave have confessed to their evil plan and are now below in leg irons, and the captain is explaining his daring plan to the crew.
Captain Pants: Gather closely, men.
Bosun: You heard what the captain said, gather 'round.
Captain: Not so closely.
Twinkle: Oh, he's always so hissy before a battle.
Captain: Now as we have know, the Spanish have been told not to kill anybody with a yellow handkerchief.
Parson:So you want us all to wear one of Twinkle's yellow handkerchiefs?
Captain: No, I want some brave volunteer to stay up all night and sew all the hankies together and then run them up the mast.
Twinkle: Oh that person would need exceptional sewing skills. That person would be me. Curse mother and those infernal embroidery lessons. But what's the good of that?
Captain: We're never going to win a land battle with the whole Spanish Garrison. No, my brave salty dogs, arrrr, arrr! Once the Spaniards see the yellow flag, they'll think that Pete and Dave have beaten them to it and take the ship.
Twinkle: Oh that's a great plan. So we all wait here and surrender to the Spanish, hmmmm... I think someone's wearing his captain's hat a bit too tight.
Captain: No, by that stage we'll all have slipped over the side in the early morning light and we will be waiting to steal the pride of their fleet, the SS Paella.
Bosun: I'm not quite with you.
Captain: You see as soon as we leave, I'll light... I'll start again, I'll explain it to you again.
Paul: Slowly.
Captain: You see as soon as we leave...
Paul: You know what'd help that? A comma!
Mikey: I'll start again.
Captain: See, are you with me? See, as soon as we leave, right, I'll light a slow fuse.
Bosun: Fuse, I'll write that down.
Captain: To give them enough time to row over and board us.
Bosun: Board.
Captain: And once they do, this ship'll blow. This ship blow's sky high and then we board their prize ship, and take to the seas on board the SS Paella.
Bosun: Paella. P-A-E-L-L-A.
Captain: The fastest ship in the Atlantic Ocean. You got that?
Bosun: Yep, and the Spanish Garrison and Salty Dave and Brown Pete will all go down together.
Twinkle: Oh lucky them.
Captain: Now, everyone, below! Go below! For tomorrow you will meet... go below for tomorrow because...
Paul: Oh, you are incredible this morning. You're a dyn... it's the last one, put some effort into it, will you?
Captain: Now everyone go below for tomorrow you must fight, you will need your sleep. Twinkle, start sewing. And Parson Wind, as chaplain, and the only man who will not be needed in the fighting tomorrow, would you be kind enough to go below and mind the prisoners and all the gun powder.
*farts*
Bosun: Permission for the men to sing a sea shanty?
Captain: Is it fruity?
Bosun: I'm afraid so.
Captain: Permission granted!
I feel like chicken tonight, arrr!
Chicken tonight, arrr!
I feel like chicken tonight, arrr!
Captain: Now, Twinkle and Parson Wind, to your duties.
Parson: Ah, alright.
Narrator: And so it was, just before sunup, Cabin Boy Twinkle completed his difficult task.
*farts*
Twinkle: I don't mind that you've been making fluffies all night, but would you pleas stop saying sorry?
Parson: Ah, sorry.
Twinkle: There, I'm done! Oh, I'd kill a cigarette. Pass over that flint will you?
*farts*
Parson: Sorry.
Twinkle: Will you stop saying sorry?
*explosions*
Narrator: Oh no! It seems that the gas from Parson Wind has set the gun powder off. Is this the end for Captain Pants and his brave crew? To find out, you'd better find out next year for the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants!
Mikey: Mummy, shoot me now. Shoot me now, Mummy.
Episode #16
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this year's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last year's finale, the ship has blown up, casting the crew out into the cruel waters of the Carribean. However, our story begins far from those tropical climates, and we now go instead to Hirsute Manor, where young Tiffany Hirsute, the eldest daughter of Lord and Lady Hirsute, awakes, screaming on a dark and stormy night.
Tiffany: *screams* Mama! Come quickly!
Lady Hirsute: Oh god, she sounds just like her father.
Tiffany: Mama, I have a throbbing pain going deeply to my very core.
Lady Hirsute: You don't have that bloody stable boy in here with you, do you?
Tiffany: No, Mama, listen to my heartbeat. It is as though some terrible dread is striking at me from afar. Calling to me in abject horror and danger.
Lady Hirsute: Oh, my dear, it sounds like the vapours.
Tiffany: I had the vapours last week.
Lady Hirsute: Palsy?
Tiffany: At Christmas.
Lady Hirsute: Consumption?
Tiffany: I don't think so.
Lady Hirsute: Well, it must be psychic vibrations from your long exiled twin brother. Far away and in obvious danger.
Tiffany: Oh yes, that's it. My what? My psychic, my twin brother? *faints*
Lady Hirsute: Now that's what I call the vapours.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on the ocean, Captain Pants, Parson Wind and Bosun Bosun are clinging desperately to a piece of driftwood.
Bosun: That's it, Sir. For three days, I've clung desperately to a piece of driftwood, oh, my walkman just cut out. I don't think I can paddle no more.
Captain: Come on, man, just a little further. That far island can be no more than a days... oh, what am I saying, we're done for. I have no strength left.
Bosun: You know, it would be easier if Parson Wind helped paddle as well.
Captain: Yeah, how about it, Parson Wind. Why don't you get your finger out and paddle a bit.
Parson: Yeah, well, if I get my finger out, I'll do more than just bloody paddle. *farts*
Bosun: My good man, that's incredible!
Captain: We're flying!
Bosun: My toupee just blew off!
Captain: Keep this up Parson Wind, and we'll make the island by nightfall!
*farts*
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in England, young Tiffany is just coming to.
Tiffany: But Mama, if I had a twin, why did Papa banish him?
Lady Hirsute: Well, my dear, your father wasn't the twin's father, if you get my drift.
Tiffany: Mama, how could you?
Lady Hirsute: Orgies, my dear, orgies! Ah, before you were born, we used to have a lot of orgies in the great hall. People would come all the way from London for one of our gang bangs. I remember I used to be heavily into threesomes, which suited your father fine because he was...
Tiffany: Mother!
Lady Hirsute: Well, when you were born, your father took one look at the boy and knew straight away that he was gay... his gamekeeper, his very gamekeeper, to which Twinkle was the father. Banished both of them immediately. Never had an orgy since, which is a pity when you think about it.
Tiffany: Well, that's it! I shan't rest until I find my long lost brother.
Lady Hirsute: *giggles* Your father will be furious, remember, you are a Hirsute, and he is merely a Twinkle.
Tiffany: No, Mama, somewhere out there there is a Hirsute Twinkle and I intend to find him.
Lady Hirsute: Well, if you do give me a call.
Narrator: Well, there you go, gentle listener. What will happen next to find... oh, what will happen next? To find out...
Mikey: Stupid man.
Sandy: Yeah, you stupid, stupid man. Ruined the whole thing.
Narrator: To find out, tune in next week for the next exciting episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
