Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode... good morning...
Sandy: Just start again.
Mikey: Start again!
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Captain Pants and Bosun Bosun have used Parson Wind's phenomenol flatulence abilities to propel themeselves to the nearest island.
Captain: Well done, Parson Wind.
Parson: Ah, *farts* no worries, Sir. Once I set my cheeks to a task, heaven help the man that comes in between them.
Bosun: Oh shut up you foolish man, I've lost my best toupee somewhere in the Carribean. This cruel tropical sun will cause me no end of blistering.
Captain: Shhh, I hear some rustling in the bushes.
Parson: *farts* That's just me with some afterburn.
Captain: No, I think it's the local natives, let me talk to them. Come forward, timid savages, reveal yourselves. Me big captain, belong English king. Me come in peace, me no bring no fire stick or pointy sharp thing to harm you.
Native 1: Well, how absolutely charming of you.
Native 2: Yes, we do tend to find that fire stick and pointy sharp thing can put a dreadful dent in one's schedule.
Native 1: Speaking of schedules, we must get back to the village in time for the eleventh feast.
Native 2: Oh I hope it's not cucumber again, it gives me such wind.
Parson: *farts* Ah, cucumber you say. Do you mind if we join in?
Native 1: We would be delighted.
Captain: Great white Captain say many thanks to humble natives for kind offer of foody-yum-yums.
Native 1: Nothing personal old boy, but you are really starting to get on my nerves.
Mikey: That accent's going all around Europe!
Native 2: Yes, well you can shove it down your....
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in England at Hirsute Manor, Tiffany Hirsute is confronting her mother about her long lost half twin. Better know as, better known to us as, Twinkle.
Tiffany: But Mother, how could you cast him aside? He was the very fruit of your loins.
Lady Hirsute: Now, if I remember correctly your father's favourite fruit of my loins was mango. Oh you brought back so many happy memories while you talk of the good old orgy days.
Tiffany: You were the one that started it.
Lady Hirsute: No, if I remember correctly, your father used to start it. He'd appear at the top of the stairs only wearing the top half of a scout uniform. Oh god, we knew it was on for young and old then.
Tiffany: Look, I don't want to hear any more of this! I need to find the poor lost Hirsute Twinkle. As soon as I find out which part of the world his ship is in, I will get on the first sailing vessel there.
Lady Hirsute: Your father will never give you the money to go.
Tiffany: That's alright then, I shall be forced to work my passage.
Lady Hirsute: Funny, that's how I met your father.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back on the island...
Parson: Ah, you know, Captain Pants, these natives are a rather jolly lot.
Captain: They certainly are. Would you mind passing me another scone and some milk for my tea? I say natives, big white chief Captain thank you heaps for yum-yums.
Native 1: I am so close to slapping him.
Native 2: Patience, dear friend, he is a guest. Oh my god, he has offended the great God!
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry.
Native 1: You have put in the milk before the tea! We must kill him, huh!
Native 2: My sacrificial robes are at the cleaners!
Native 1: Someone get me a crab! (??)
Native 2: I am chilled! You will pay for this!
Narrator: Oh no! Is this the end for Captain Pants? To find out, tune in next week for more of the contining salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #18
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this week's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Captain Pants is about to be sacrificed by the natives for defiling their tea ceremony.
Native: Look, I'm awfully sorry about this, but would you mind slipping into this sacrificial robe, Sir?
Captain: I can't! Please, please have pity on me
Native: It's one size fits all. Now, don't be fussy, Pants, there's not many men can get away with a deep chatreuse, but on a fuller figure and that love handle, I find it quite dashing.
Parson: As a man of the cloth, I beseech you to show some mercy.
Native: No!
Parson: Oh... oh, sorry, Captain. I gave it my best shot.
Captain: Yeah, well, thanks for knocking yourself out. Alright then, what's my fate?
Native: Well, first we strap you down with these ropes on this sacrificial throw cushion.
Captain: Sounds okay.
Native: We annoint your head and feet with calming oils.
Captain: That doesn't sound too bad.
Native: Then we cover your genitalia with honey.
Captain: Ooh, that sounds a bit like boarding school. Oh, such happy memories.
Native: Then we release a nest of killer ants.
Captain: Is that a good thing?
Native: Have you ever heard of killer ants being a good thing?
Captain: No.
Native: No! Then after listening to your screams of agony for about an hour, we cut your throat with this sacrificial knife.
Bosun: Oh, look Captain, look at the knife.
Captain: My god, man!
Native: Yes! We are very proud of it, and even after ten sacrifices it can cut through a tomato and an old shoe and set of tumblers! What a tool!
Captain: No, no, the handle! It's a carving. An ivory carving of Cabin Boy Twinkle!
Native: Oh you mean the great god Twinkle, you know him?
Captain: Know him, I've...
Bosun: Now Captain, let's not go into too much detail.
Native: Well, that changes everything. Sorry, tribe, the sacrifice is off!
Captain: You can still do the honey thing if you like.
Native: Don't be silly, I couldn't do anything so humiliating to a friend of the great god Twinkle!
Narrator: Just what has Twinkle been up to? And speaking of him, what of his half-twin lady, Tiffany Hirsute? Who has just informed her mother that she will leave Hirsute Manor to track him down.
Tiffany: Here's my plan, Mama. I'll get passage on a merchant ship disguised as a Cabin Boy.
Lady Hirsute: It'll never work.
Tiffany: Nonsense. All I need now is a few things to make me into a boy.
Lady Hirsute: I've got some loose bits and pieces that you might want to try and strap on.
Narrator: And will she? To find out, tune into next week's episode of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
Episode #19
Narrator: Good morning gentle listener and welcome to this morning's episode of the salty adventures of Captain Pants. As you may remember from last week's episode, Tiffany Hirsute has gotten her mother's help in fitting a prosthetic penis so that she will be able to pass the medical to go to sea on a merchant ship as a man.
Tiffany: Oh, ahh, ahh! Careful Mama!
Lady Hirsute: Oh for goodness sake, keep still!
Tiffany: Don't you have anything smaller? This one's bruising my knees!
Lady Hirsute: Sorry, dear, it's the smallest I've got. The smallest that's flesh coloured anyway. You know, you could always try this thing.
Tiffany: Mother! It's got a chimney and a coal shoot!
Lady Hirsute: I had James Watt whip it up for me at the start of the Industrial Revolution. You know, many people think of him as the father of the steam engine, but I prefer to remember a randy little Irishman, with strong calloused hands. Oh yes, my dear, you're looking at the first and last steam powered pleasuring device.
Tiffany: Why the last?
Lord Hirsute: Because the government banned it after your mother overloaded it with coal and pleasured herself right through Victoria Station before crashing into Charring Cross and wrecking the 8.15 to Brighton.
Tiffany: Papa, Papa! What are you doing upstairs?
Lord Hirsute: I was looking for the mango butter. You know, I always inspect the stables on Fridays. Now Mama,put that ridiculous contraption away and come tell your loving husband why our daughter is wearing an oversized, and blatantly false John Thomas.
Lady Hirsute: I do not see why we cannot play right.
Narrator: And yes, she does have some explaining to do. Meanwhile, back in the Carribean, our castaways, Captain Pants, Parson Wind and Bosun Bosun have been moved from the sacrificial stone to the golden temple of Twinkle, where all honoured guests stay.
Parson: *farts* Oh, what is going on Captain? It seems that these people worship some kind of bizarre god, who is named after and according to those carvings, bears a remarkable resemblance to Cabin Boy Twinkle.
Captain: I can't explain, Parson Wind. What do you think Bosun Bosun?
Bosun: Ah, who knows, who cares? Life is what you make it, you know man? You've got to go for it, go for it, go for it, you know? Maybe Twinkle is a god, maybe I'm a god, maybe we're all gods. Hey, do you want some of this icing sugar, man?
Captain: Icing sugar?
Bosun: Oh yeah, mercy baby, it's great. The natives gave it to me, and it's made from the ground leaves of some coca plant, or wow! I've gotta tell you man, old Bosun boy's feeling mighty randy. What's say we hit the high spots?
Captain: For god's sake man, calm down and stop sweating on my mau mau.
Narrator: What a strange development. Now let's see just how Lord Hirsute is taking the news that his daughter is going to find her long lost bastard twin brother.
Lord Hirsute: Never, never. Not while there's a breath in me shall that mongrel be brought into the hallowed halls of Hirsute Manor. I banish thee discourteous daughter and thee too, strumpet of a wife, for telling from thine poison lips this tale of woe that has set her on a course of self-destruction. From this day forth, I have no daughter.
Tiffany: God, he seems a bit upset.
Lady Hirsute: Could've been a bit more upset. Nah, he's just overacting, you get that with guests.
Narrator: Oh dear, banished. What shall become of her. And what of Bosun Bosun and the mysterious icing sugar? To find out, tune in next week for the next installment of the continuing salty adventures of Captain Pants.
