[THE BOYS ARE IN THEIR ROOMS WRITING LETTERS TO THEIR MOTHERS.]
Tim: Dear Mum, No... Dear Jocasta, No... Dear Toots Today is our last day aboard the Titanic. Soon I will hold you in my loving arms and the memory of cataloguing all these boring paintings and sculptures will become nothing more than a bad dream. Oh, I was saddened to hear about cousin Valmay's sex change operation. At least she died like a man...
Richard: Dear Mummy Wummy Dummy Yummy Lovey Dovey Wovey Smovey Tiddlepoo drip drip drip. Today is our last day here on the Titanic. I'll be home very soon in fact I'll probably be back before you get this, so don't bother to open the envelope. Soon I'll be free of Tim and Paul. They are so boring. It'll be good to be around real women again. I really believe now that women are better than men. They're smarter and they have better looking genitals.
Paul: Dear Mother, Guess what! Guess what! Guess what! Guess what! I'll be at your coming-out party! It must have been hell for you - four years in gaol, feeling trapped, inhuman and surrounded by idiots. Still, I know what that feels like! I heard Dad was up and about... well that must have come as a surprise after you'd buried him. Still, you can't keep a good man down... or even a mongrel like Dad! PS The Godot will be arriving in an hour.
RICHARD, TIM and PAUL (TO CAMERA) I hope nothing goes wrong.

NEWS
The black supremacy's answer to the Ku Klux Klan, the Doo Wah Diddy Dum Diddy Doo have chained themselves to the corpse of Al Jolson and are singing 'The Camptown ladies sing this song, doo dah, doo dah/The Camptown racetrack five miles long, oh da doo da day...

SCENE2, LIVING ROOM
TIM AND RICHARD ARE SEATED AT A DINING TABLE. THERE ARE CANDELABRA, A LACE TABLE CLOTH, WINE GLASSES - VERY ROMANTIC. SOME OF THE SURROUNDING FURNITURE IS COVERED WITH WHITE SHEETS OR PACKED IN CRATES.
Tim: Here's to our last day.
Richard: Our last day. (THEY TOAST)
Tim: Waiter, more vino!
THEY SIT. PAUL ENTERS AS A WAITER WITH A BOTTLE OF RED WINE.
Paul: Yes, sir.
Tim: (PAUL REMOVES THE CORK WITH HIS TEETH) Lovely, thank you.
Paul: And for you madam?
Richard: Just a mouthful, thanks.
Paul: (HE DRINKS A MOUTHFUL FROM THE BOTTLE AND SPITS IT IN THE GLASS) There you go!
Richard: You spat in my glass!
Paul: Be grateful I don't piss in your face.
RICHARD and TIM Fair enough.
Richard: This wine's off. (RICHARD STARTS TO SHORT CIRCUIT AND SPLUTTER. TIM AND PAUL IGNORE HIS STRANGE TWITCHING)
Paul: Sometimes I really worry about you, Richard...
Tim: (HE STANDS AND MOVES IN BETWEEN RICHARD AND PAUL) Ay, ay, ay, ay... Don't start again, this is our last day here, let's have some peace and quiet? Look, in exactly one hour (THEY ALL LOOK AT THEIR WATCHES) the Godot will turn up to take us away. In the meantime let's be happy. How about a joke, hey? What does the Buddhist Jamaican sing...? Oh come on, let's play charades.
Richard: (SUSPICIOUSLY LOOKING AT TIM AND PAUL)... No!
Paul: Come on Rich, please, be one of the guys... Come on, be a buddy, be a mate, be a sport... Be one of the gang...
Richard: No, it's a trick.
Tim: Come on now Rich, all you've got to do is stand here, we're going to play Moby Dick. You play the boat, and I get to play Captain Ahab, the whale killer...
Paul: . . . and Rich, I'll play the beautiful white whale... Moby Dick.
Tim: Rich, what are you doing?
RICHARD STANDS SWAYING WITH HIS ARMS UP IN THE AIR
Richard: I'm being the mast.
Tim: On the starboard bow, avast there... Bring me another cabin boy. Thar she blows!
PAUL SPITS WINE OVER RICH. RICH BEGINS TO SHORT CIRCUIT. SPARKS FLY. TIM AND PAUL IGNORE HIS STRANGE TWITCHING.
Richard: I hate these games, blip, I hate these games, blip.
TIM AND PAUL SIT DOWN. RICHARD GETS HIS GUITAR.
Tim: That boy better get some new shoulder pads... Well, are you happy now?
Paul: Yes.
Tim: You don't look happy.
Paul: It's just that last night I had this dream - it was like a near death experience... I dreamt there was this long black tunnel with a blinding light at the end.
Richard: (JOINING IN) Wow, I had a near sex experience like that once.
Paul: Yeah, well this was more like a premonition, Rich, it was like the end of the world, you know... I saw the three horsemen and the apocalypse... somewhere in the distance a wild cat did woof!
THEY SING:

BOB DOWNE
BOB DOES AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR A SHITSU TONKA PRODUCT
Bob: New from Shitsu Tonka, the love bug, drug bug, the tick with the kick. Take that Umma Gumma bug for that big hit!
BOB TAKES A PILL AND TURNS INTO A TSETSE FLY IN A WIG.

SCENE3, LIVING ROOM
THE BOYS MOVE BACK TO THE TABLE
Paul: Now that we're leaving, I can make a bit of a confession, Tim, I know I've been hard to live with, but it would have helped if there was someone intelligent down here to talk to.
Tim: I'm intelligent.
Paul: You?! O.K. Let's try a simple intelligence test. Recite the alphabet backwards.
Tim: Why?
Paul: No - no - start with Z.
Tim: What?
Paul: Start with Z.
Tim: Y?
Paul: C!
Tim: A? Gee.
RICHARD ENTERS
Richard: Paul, I'm intelligent.
Paul: Yeah, Rich, but you're not human, mate!! You're different, you're a freak.
Richard: You treat me like an idiot.
Paul: Oh you're not an idiot, Rich. Intelligence test... How many fists am I holding up?
Richard: One.
Paul: Correct. (PUNCHES RICHARD, GRABS PLIERS) How many pliers am I holding up? (PAUL GOES TO HIT RICH WITH PLIERS, TIM STOPS HIM.)
Tim: No don't, they're my favourite pliers! My cousin Valmay gave them to me. Don't you ever touch them again!
Paul: (TO RICHARD) Now look what you've done.
TIM MOVES TO HIS ROOM
Tim: Oh, poor cousin Valmay. There she is, when she was young, now a cripple. Oh we tried everything with that poor girl, you know. One day we took her to the faith healing session at the local church, Saint Ethel of the Tragic Warts, where Brother Gregory of the shorts and long white socks presided. Valmay had her peg leg and callipers and neck brace to keep her head from falling. She was in a wheel chair and she had terrible dysentery that week and to top it all off, she had a head cold. (Which can be very difficult if you don't have any facial features.) We wheeled her up to Brother Gregory who said, 'What ails you my child?' She said, 'What do you bloody reckon?'
Finally, Dad gave up and said, 'Bugger it! Let's go home.' He put Valmay over his shoulder and we took her home, she still had her callipers and her neck brace and her dysentery was still bad. But the headcold had completely vanished!
PAUL SLIDES DOWN THE POLE INTO TIM'S ROOM
Paul: Bullshit!
Tim: It's the truth!
Paul: Bullshit! Bullshit! But this is true. My uncle is Elvis Presley.
Tim: Bullshit etc...
Paul: It's true, and he's alive and working as a beanbag in a furniture show room in Dubbo.
Tim: Well im related to Helen of Troy. I may not have a face that launched a thousand ships but I do have hips that launched a thousand faces. Ha Ha. Boom! Boom!
Richard: Boom! Boom? Don't say that word. It reminds me of when I worked as an apprentice for a watchmaker. Everyone thought he was a kindly old man but he had an evil eye that kept staring at me. I couldn't bear it any llonger... One night I crept into his room as he slept. In the total darkness I shone a tiny pencil thin beam of light onto his malevolent eyeball. Neither of us moved for an hour. Then I heard his heart beating, going boom, boom, boom, boom. So I hacked him to pieces with an axe and buried him under the floor boards. But one night I was sitting at home and I heard his heart beating from under the house. It was coming up from the floorboards, getting louder and louder. I fled in terror and joined the crew of the Titanic.
Tim: Good lord, Richard. I never would have dreamed you were capable of such a horrible thing.
Richard: Tim, it was bullshit.
Tim: (THEY BREAK AWAY) Look, that's it, gget out of here. I hope I never have to see either of your faces again.
Paul: Me too!
Richard: Me too!
THEY SIT DOWN, BORED. PAUL CREATES A HUM ON A WINE GLASS. RICHARD PLAYS DRUMS ON THE TABLE. TIM SCRAPES A NAIL DOWN A SMALL BLACKBOARD.
Paul: Hell is other people, and both of them are you.
Tim: Oh yeah? That is so typical of you - you've always got to have the last word.
Paul: Me - ha-ha - no I don't.
Tim: See. You just had to have the last word then.
Paul: No - you have to have the last word, you always have the last word.
Tim: No I dn't, you do.
Paul: Crap! See! See! You do.
Tim: (ROLLING HIS EYES) You do.
Paul: (MOVES INTO HIS ROOM) Ah-ha!!! And that's the last word.
Tim: (FOLLOWS PAUL) I don't, you stop it first, you were last.
IN PAUL'S ROOM
Paul: You were last, you stop first. (CONFUSED)
Tim: This is stupid.
Richard: Why can't we just be friends?
Paul: Friends? With you, you chimp?
Richard: You treat me like an organ grinder's monkey.
Paul: Well, at least we don't treat you like a monkey grinder's organ.
Richard: One more hour to kill.
Tim: Don't tempt me.

BOB DOWNE
BOB DOES A NEWS PROMO FOR SHITSU TONKA
Bob: Now it's time for the news... with Shitsu Tonka.

NEWS
Elvis Presley lives! The world was shocked be revelations today that Elvis Presley is alive and working as a beanbag in a furniture showroom. On a lighter note, in keeping with a Shitsu Tonka resolution to eradicate history, the great art works of the world will go up in a radioactive fireballl today. We now see the hand of President Shirley Maclaine as she arms her bomb and starts the final countdown for the destruction of the Titanic underwater museum. Stay tuned for the big one here on Shitsu Tonka.

SCENE4, PAUL'S ROOM
HEARING THE NEWS, TIM AND PAUL SEARCH FRANTICALLY FOR THE BOMB. RICHARD IS SITTING CALMLY.
Tim: A Bomb! Dow nere! With us? There must be some mistake!
Paul: Oh my God! It's got to be around here somewhere. Help me find it.
Richard: Hal - open the bay door.
Tim: Help... Come on Rich, we're in danger.
RICHARD STARTS TO MALFUNCTION VERY BADLY
Richard: Danger... danger... warning... warning.
Paul: For God's sake Richard, get it together! Check out the roof.
PAUL AND TIM RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR THE BOMB - THEY SEE RICHARD ON THE ROOF... RICHARD FALLS FROM THE ROOF AND LANDS IN A HEAP
Paul: (TO TIM) Maybe it's better this way...

NEWS
Jesus Christ has returned to earth! In Jerusalem today he said, 'First I came as the lamb, then I was going to come as the lion. Instead I've come as the Queen of Sheba! And don't I look fabulous?!' Don't forget, stay tuned for the bomb at ten... Here on Shitsu Tonka.

SCENE5, LIVING ROOM
RICHARD IS LYING ON THE TABLE WITH PAUL AND TIM LOOKING ON, THEY LOWER HIS LEGS.
Tim: Paul? Look what you've done.
Paul: You've done this, mate.
Paul & Tim: Ah-ha.
Tim: Loosen his shirt - give him some air.
Paul: Oh my God... (REVEALS RICHARD AS A ROBOT) Richard is a robot.
Tim: Robot?... Richard... god... a... is...
Richard: Will Robinson? Penny? I love you Will Robinson. Get back to the Jupiter II.
Tim: We've got to help him. He may be a robot, but he's still our friend.
Paul: Like the toaster is our friend, or the computer is our friend, or the drumming bunny...
Tim: Paul, get a grip on yourself.
PAUL PANICS
Richard: Crush, Kill, Destroy. Will! Penny!
Tim: Paul, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Paul: What's the good news?
Tim: The good news ia that Jesus Christ is our Lord and Saviour. And if we all pray a lot and give Easter eggs to our grandparents, we'll go to heaven.
Paul: Good! What's the bad news.
Tim: He's set to self destruct. Richard is the bomb.
Richard: I love you Penny. (TIM AND PAUL SCREAM)
Paul: (PAUL STARTS TO BEAT RICH, SWEARING) You selfish little shit, you shit, you selfish fuck.
Tim: Paul, there'll be time for that later.
Richard: Dave! Don't switch me off, Dave. I love you Dave. Dr Smith! Dr Smith!
CHEST LIGHT WARNING: SELF DESTRUCT T-MINUS 20
Tim: I've got to dis-arm him, dis-arm, dat-arm - help me, hand me a spanner.
Paul: Spanner. (HANDS TIM A SPANNER)
Tim: Lend me a tenna.
Paul: Tenna. (QUIETLY) I'm jjust going to go now, finish packing. I'm sure you can handle this by yourself. (PAUL SNEAKS OUT AND GOES TO HIS ROOM)
Tim: Monkey wrench. (A WRENCH IS PLACED IN TIM'S HAND BY BOB) Valmay's pliers (PLIERS ARE PLACED IN TIM'S HAND BY PAUL) Forceps. (FORCEPS ARE PLACED IN TIM'S HAND) Knife. (A HAND GRENADE IS PLACED IN TIM'S HAND.)
BOB LOOMS IN AND PULLS THE PIN.
Bob: Hi soldier, you've got a problem.

BOB DOWNE ANOTHER AD.
Bob: Hey, Shitsu Tonka swingers. Having trouble knowing which way to dress? Don't dress to the left. Don''t dress to the right. Dress like me! Dress for success! All the rage - Beige!

NEWS
Millions die from hunger. On a lighter note, Shitsu Tonka wish to assure relatives of the Titanic crew that they have left the vessel and are in no danger whatsoever.

SCENE6, PAUL'S ROOM
Paul: Oh there are still so many things to pack up. This box was the best present I ever got.
PAUL RUBS THE BOX AND FLACCO MATERIALISES, LIFE-SIZE, OUT OF THE BOX
Paul: Oh my god!
Flacco: Oh my God! Where am I!? I'm out of the box! I'm out of the box! Gee, thanks mate. Oh how wonderful! (HE MOVES TO SHAKE PAUL'S HAND) You must be a genius. How did you do that? I'd love to stay, it's a beautiful place but I've got to go. Do you know where there's a bus stop around here?
Paul: What are you doing here? This is private property. Get out of here!
Flacco: But I just got here. I just got out of the box!
Paul: Get back into the box!
Flacco: But I just got out of the box!
Paul: Well, get back into the box!
Flacco: What box?
Paul: That box!
Flacco: Whhat a coincidence! I just got out of a box just like that box!
Paul: (BECOMING VERY FRUSTRATED) Because that's the box you got out of!
Flacco: How could I? Look at the size of me!
Paul: I must be dreaming... (HE GRABS FLACCO'S CHEEKS)
Flacco: You're not dreaming! Pinch me. (PAUL PINCHES HIS CHEEK) Ouch!
Paul: (FALL TO THE FLOOR) I'm not dreaming!
Flacco: Yes you are! Now son, you've helped me out and I owe you one... So I'll tell you what... I'll give you three... I'll give you three wishes.
Paul: Three wishes? This is ridiculous. Don't you understand? You're an illegal alien on a private vessel. (FLACCO STARTS WHISTLING) You shouldn't be here. This is Shitsu Tonka property... What are you doing?
Flacco: Name that tune.
Paul: 'I wish I was in Dixie.'
Flacco: Done!
PAUL DISAPPEARS TO DIXIE FOR A FEW SECONDS AND THEN RETURNS WHEN FLACCO SNAPS HIS FINGERS
That's two down and one to go! One last wish.
Paul: You're really beginning to get on my goat!
Flacco: I didn't touch your goat, mate! What do you take me for... a goat toucher? I like firry animals but not in that way! Don't you understand son? Look, you've got one last wish.
Paul: Well get out of my life!
Flacco: No!

WAYNE KERR
WAYNE KERR They call me Kerr. Wayne Kerr. And if there is one thing I hate, it is safe sex. Sex is only fun if it is dangerous. I never wear a raincoat in the shower. I never wear Speedos when I swim in the gene pool. The only marital aid I have is this Marakov 16 magnum 2 millimetre. Good vibrations! Sex is my adventure!

NEWS
As the Titanic bomb ticks towards detonation, Shitsu Tonka suggests those on the western seaboard of Cjina step outside for a good view of the explosion. Shitsu Tonka: bringing you better sunsets.

SCENE7, LIVING ROOM
BOB AND TIM LEAN OVER RICHARD, FURIOUSLY TRYING TO DISARM THE BOMB. TIM MOPS BOB'S BROW. BOB TWITCHES IN WEIRDNESS.
Bob: Blue wire, red wire... This kid's in a bad way. If he was in the marines, they'd give him a good medical... I remember when I signed up they made me strip naked and bend over in the middle of the room and they said, 'Are you a pervert son?' I said 'No sir! I'm a degenerate, sir.' They said 'You ever fired a gun son?' I said 'Yes sir, I've fired a gun, but I've never fired a gun out of anger... out of sexual frustration maybe, but never once in anger.'
Then they started mix'n me up with these tricky questions like 'Why do you wanna be a marine?' and 'Which way do you leave the toilet seat - up or down?' and 'what's the American dream?' and 'Who killed JFK?" and 'Why didn't he wear a helmet that day?' and 'What kind of animal is Goofy anyway?' and 'Is Bryant Gumble really black?' and 'Who the hell do you think you are?' I'm Bob and I've got a problem and I'm not alone in that thought. No, we're not alone, me and i. Who said that? I did! Who did? He did! Who's he? He's you! He's me? I'm him? Shut up! Shut Up!
Richard: Warning! Don and Judy are in the chariot.
Tim: (TO RICHARD) Shut up!
Bob: Who ya tellin' to shut up jerk??!
BOB GRABS TIM BY THE SHOULDER AND TIM DROPS THE GRENADE INTO RICHARD
Bob: (LOOKS FOR GRENADE FOR A BEAT) Get out of the way civilian... this is a job for a marine!!! Look at me Ma! I'm on top of the world.
BOB DIVES OVER THE BOMB AND IT EXPLODES. HE STANDS AND TURNS AROUND.
Bob: I'm Bob... and where's my back?

NEWS
THE NEWSREADER WEARS VERY CHIC NARROW SUNGLASSES
Les Shitsus. A must for bomb watchers. Le Shitsu, le bang.

SCENE8, LIVING ROOM
PAUL AND FLACCO ENTER, BABBLING AWAY. TIM JOINS THEM AS THEY MOVE TO THE TABLE WHERE RICHARD IS LYING SINGING 'DAISY' TO HIMSELF.
Flacco: Come on, son! You're wasting my time. You've got one last wish. What's it going to be.
Paul: Shut up. Get out of my mind. (FLACCO IS STANDING BETWEEN TIM AND PAUL) God Tim, what happened here?
Tim: That's not important now. What is important is - who is this freak with you?
Paul: That's not important now. What is important Tim is that we have one wish left and we can't waste it.
Flacco: Oh, yes that's important, that's important...
Paul: Stop it. Look Godot will be here in an hour. (THE BOYS LOOK AT THEIR WATCHES) We have the opportunity to do something decent, something good.
Flacco: Nah - nah.
Tim: Look I've managed to defuse the bomb, but then there was an accident and now Richard's all over the place like a mad woman's shit!
Paul: We could wish our last wish and wish that Richard is made into a real live flesh and blood boy...
ALL (THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER) Nah.
Paul: Orinstead we could be incredibly selfish and wish only for ourselves.
Tim: What do we wish for!
Paul: Well Tim, in these situations, from my experience, it's best to be real greedy. We wish to be the three most handsome men in the universe.
Flacco: To be the three most handsome men in the world... and live happily ever after... In a box.
TIM and PAUL In a box... In a box?
Flacco: Done (CLICKS FINGERS)

SCENE9, FLACCO'S BOX
THE BOYS ARE INSIDE FLACCO'S BOX, ALL DRESSED AS FLACCO. THEY LOOK AT THEMSELVES IN A MIRROR.
Paul: But look what you've done to us.
Tim: Oh but we're so ugly. And we were waiting for Godot.
Flacco: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
Tim: Listen to me you little bowl and chopsticks, I look stupid... Paul looks O.K.... and for Richard this is a definite improvement! So what are you going to do about me?
Flacco: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you there, son. But I have got a boat to catch.
Paul: Wait a second, how are we going to get out of here?
Flacco: You're not going to get out of here, I am going to get out of here. You see, I have another wish up my sleeve...
Paul: Who's sleeve?
Richard: What sleeve?
Flacco: My sleeve. And now I must take my sleeve, for without this sleeve, you will never leave. So long.
TIM, PAUL and RICHARD So long...?
Flacco: So long, sleeve, shirt. And remember what you wish, is what you get.
THE FOUR OF THEM SING 'THREE STEPS TO HEAVEN'
Flacco: And now, gentlemen, I must away, for time is on the wing... the frost is on the pumpkin... it's time for carrying the meat to the next station and I'm not just whistling dixie...
Paul: Oh wait! Name that tune!
FLACCO SINGS 'IF I HAD A HAMMER', 'IF A PICTURE PAINTS A THOUSAND WORDS' ETC. FINALLY HE SINGS 'I WISH I WAS IN DIXIE', THE BOYS SNAP THEIR FINGERS AND FLACCO DISAPPEARS

SCENE10, LIVING ROOM
THE BOYS ZAP BACK AND THEY'RE HAPPY. RICHARD IS SITTING ON THE TABLE AS A ROBOT.
Tim: We're back... I'm still gorgeous... it's all just as it was, but why?
Paul: Well Tim, I realised that if we could trick the genie then the spell would be broken. We would return to exactly as we were before the spell was cast.
Tim: It's all too perfect.
Richard: Pliers please.
Tim: (HANDING RICHARD THE PLIERS) Don't lose them. Poor Richard, it's pathetic, tragic. Still we're O.K. and that's what matters... (PAUL AND TIM CLAP HANDS) and you know Paul, I learnt some pretty valuable lessons: That lying and cheating can help you get what you want.
Paul: No, no Tim, we should have learnt that selfish desires, conceit and dishonesty never bring benefit to anyone, that is if we could learn to live together in harmony the world would be a beautiful place.
Tim: No - lying and cheating, Paul.
Paul: Beauty and harmony Tim.
Tim: Hatred and cruelty.
Paul: Peace, tranquility and harmony.
Tim: Lies and deceit.
Paul: Love and understanding.
Tim: Creepiness.
Paul: A bit of tolerance for Christ's sake.
Richard: Red wire, blue wire.
Tim: You're an idiot. How many fists am I holding up?
Paul: One. (HE KICKS TIM IN THE KNEE)
Tim: You mongrel, you always have to have the last word.
Paul: No I don't.
Tim: Yes you do!
Richard: No boys, I do. (HE CONNECTS THE WIRES, COUNTDOWN) Goodbye...

E X P L O S I O N !

Goodnight, goodbye & FNORD thank you!