Newsreader: Shitsu Tonka News In Brief: It's a big Happy Shitsu Tonka Birthday to the Titanic submarine. It's been two years since the world's largest underwater museum of history set sail. On board cataloguing the artefacts are former comedians the Doug Anthony Allstars. Where are they now? Who gives a toss! It's the last we'll ever see of the good, the bad and the guitarist.

[The Boys are in their rooms, all writing letters to their mothers]
Tim: Dear Mum, no, Dear Jocasta. Time drags on down here at the bottom of the sea. I fear I will never see you again. I am now convinced that Richard was created when Zeus came down from Mt Olympus and seduced a water buffalo with Mad Cow's Disease or something, lending Richard an almost godlike stupidity. Paul's tinea is almost up to his hips now. It makes his dandruff look like chickenfeed. In fact, the chickens didn't even know the difference. I was glad to hear that Valmay's new eyes work. Pity she didn't use them to see the truck coming...
Richard:Dear Mummy Wummy. It's your smuffy wuffy tickle poo writing to you again from the Titanic. Mummy, I have a confession to make: The last six months I was living with you, I was secretly seeing a girl. She was working in the kitchen at our local McDonalds when she slipped on the floor and her arm fell into the chip frying machine. She tried to pull it out but her ring got stuck to the element on the bottom and the boiling oil burned off huge chunks of bleeding meat from her arm, until there was only the bone and tiny bits of sinew hanging off it. I went to see her in hospital later and she was very brave. She said 'Richard, I know I may have lost an arm but I feel that every day in every way, I'm getting batter and batter'.
Paul: Dear Mum. Thank you, thank you, thank you for my birthday presents and the cards. They came as a great surprise arriving as they did six months before my birthday. It was good to hear they let you out of solitary confinement and you're back on solids again. The water drip must have been torture, but it's your own fault. What do you expect to happen if you chase the other inmates around the ward with a chainsaw? I'm sure the woman you 'cut down to size' did have to make way for a freeway - and, yes, it was unfortunate that her name was Mrs Redwood! It made me very sad when I heard about Dad - recovering. Still, I'm sure he will slip back into a coma and not be able to testify against you. Besides, they still have to find his head (he pats his head, which is wrapped in a blood soaked sheet). Give my regards to the rest of the family, in your ward. And Mum, I don't care what the people at the morgue keep telling you... I'm your son. Bye Mum.
All: PS. I think the others are trying to kill me.

Newsreader: Shitsu Tonka Smog Alert: Every cloud has a filthy dirty carbon monoxide lining.

[The boys come out of their rooms at the same time. They stop, and look at each other suspiciously. Paul moves to Tim. Paul is upset. Richard has a book, "KKK: The Real Story", under his arm.
Paul (to Tim) Surprise!
Tim: What?
Paul: A present for you Tick Tit (hands present to Tim) and here's one for Poodle Quiff (hands present to Richard)
[Tim and Richard open their presents]
Tim: It's a frog! Oh he's great Paul, and a book on how to improve my memory - what the hell do I need this for?
Paul: Because, Tim, after all these years down here you should remember what bloody day it is.
Tim: Oh? It's feeding day.
Paul: It's my birthday, my birthday and you both forgot again!
Richard: But, Paul, why have you given me this book, How to Win Friends and Be Popular?
Paul: (moves off) Because you need it. Oh it's not fair. Nobody remembers my birthday. My mother used to remember. Well I hope maybe when I'm dead you'll remember (slams bedroom door).
Tim & Richard (in a patronising tone and wiggling their little fingers at Paul) Whooo...
Paul: (reappearing) What?
Tim & Richard (wiggling little fingers) Whooo... whooo...
Paul: That's it. I hope you die, Richard, and that there's such a thing as reincarnation and you come back as a Toilet Duck and for the rest of eternity you'll be straining your skinny neck to get to the dribbly bits o' shit at the back of the s-bend. (He slams the door. The boys count to five and Paul reappears) And you, Tim, I hope when you die you come back as a tube of Dencorub and for all eternity you're smeared into the testicles of sexually perverse football players. (He sits down and starts crying) Oh God! It's just not fair... no one even remembers my birthday. I'm all alone and no one cares about me, no one loves me.
Richard goes to comfort him and Paul is repulsed.
Paul: Don't touch me. Don't touch me! And Richard, here's a beauty tip for you: hide.
Tim: Hey cheer up, cheer up! What am I? (Tim screws up his face until his beautiful features are contorted and twisted in an anthropomorphic frenzy, then that smile returns) Still gorgeous!
Richard: (At the table) Hey boys - look at this. (He holds up cut-out KKK paper dolls. Tim and Paul are unimpressed, as usual.) I bet you couldn't do that... no!
Tim: (picks up the bucket) I'm going to feed Thulgore.

[Tim moves to Thulgore's pit.]
Tim: Thulgore! Thulgore! Hello Thulgore! Come on up little buddy! (He opens the hatch) That's the way little fella. Here we go, here we go, mind your fingers! Here we are, mate, have a birthday present! (He gives him the frog) We're so much alike... we're both going to waste down here in this terrible place, you and me... I mean, we're both highly sexed people. I can't even remember the last time my body quivered in ecstasy beneath the ministrations of a highly strung sex strumpet. Calm down there Thulgore! You know, I remember one time when I was truly in love I entered a kissing competition with Daphne Grogan. She had huge buck teeth and a bad dribble problem. For six weeks I lived on nothing but her saliva and little bits of plaque that I scraped off her molars. Finally she died when she had an epileptic fit and choked on my tongue... When I came out of that room, Thulgore, I knew I was King of Rumpy Pumpy. Not like Richard - he goes to brothels and plays hard to get.

[Richard is shredding books of Shakespeare. Paul is horrified.]
Paul: Richard! Richard! Stop it! What do you think you're doing? Stop it! Oh my God... this is Shakespeare, Richard! (He grabs the book) We're meant to catalogue these things, not destroy them. This is the last remaining copy on earth.
Richard: Shakespeare's crap, his politics are stuck in the middle ages.
Tim: Don't knock him till you've seen a couple of his movies.
Richard: You're so naïve Tim. Listen, Othello is racist, Julius Caesar is ... sexist'Friends, Romans, countrymen...,' what about 'Rowomen'? Huh? And what about that scene with the cauldron and the three witched from Macbeth? Huh?
Tim: There's nothing wrong with that? It's a very funny scene.
Richard: Tim, they're cooking! That's just reinforcing archaic feminine stereotypes!
Tim: But Richard, all of Shakespeare's women's parts were played by boys anyway.
[Paul stands behind Richard and begins making visual jokes behind Richard's back.[
Richard: Uh... yeah! And that just proves my point!
Tim: And what is your point?
Richard: That the girls pretending to be boys were really pretending to be girls! No! (He turns away from the others, slightly confused) The uh... boys were boys pretending to be girls, when in reality... uh... When in reality they were boys pretending to be girls PRETENDING to be boys. That just goes to show you can't fool someone with a university education...
Paul: Hey Richard, you're an idiot.
[Tim and Paul leave Rich and walk towards the corridor in search of the library. Richard goes back to the shredder.]

Wayne Kerr: If there's one thing I hate, it's a French terrorist who would use the life of an innocent puppy to get his demands. Spinner, Paddlefoot, pay attention... justice comes from the barrel of a gun... let's take a walk on the homicide.
[The terrorists are blown to shreds.]
Wayne: Sex is my adventure.

Porn-Vid-Mart
Images of pornography flash by on the screen, too blurred and distorted to be discerned. Only their intent is clear: sex, sex, sex.
Graphics flash across the screen: subliminal pictures of erotic paintings, words - 'death', 'hump', 'root', 'labia', 'dog', 'bone', 'porn-vid-mart'. A word trail at the bottom of the screen says, 'shitsu tonka shitsu tonka porn-vid-mart shitsu tonka tonight tonight tonight tonight shitsu tonka...'
Voice-Over: Tonight on Porn-Vid-Mart! Animals, Animals, Animals. Lassie is a dog with a lot of drive and a lot of get up and go. And where she has gone, our cameras have followed. Into the sex-starved bordellos of Teheran and the halls of the Vatican, Texas! Lassie, the Pal pumping puppy fights off the embraces of a Shetland pony then takes on the dog pound in 'Pound of Flesh'. Tonight.

[Tim and Paul continue down the corridor. Paul opens the first door to reveal dinosaurs.]
Tim: They're coming along quite nicely!
[He reacts, looks again, slams the door on a large tail and struggles to get free. Tim looks on. Paul eventually frees himself and shuts the door.]
Paul: You all right?
[They open another door to reveal a clip of themselves performing a song on the Big Gig.]
Paul: It's just rubbish.
Paul: Hey this place goes on forever (Paul exits).
[Tim opens the third door to reveal: bob dressed as a door-to-door salesman wearing a badge, 'Hi, I'm Bob!']
Bob: Hi, I'm Bob... If I could just steal a minute of your time, I'm sure I could interest you in this magnificent set of kitchen knives... I guarantee it'll make it so easy to carve things... up!!
Bob slashes at Tim with the knife. Tim ducks but is caught by the arm by bob. Bob grabs Tim from behind.
Tim: Paul!
Paul: (walking past) Will you quit hanging around. We've got work to do.
Bob: (Bob puts the knife up Tim's nostril) Is the lady of the house in?
Tim: No! No! Help! Why don't you pick on the other two for a change?
Bob: Listen buddy, don't be so nosy!
Bob: I'm Bob and I'll be back... (He disappears back behind the door)
[Paul walks past]
Paul: Tim, please, do some work. Have you tried this door? Have you even tried this door? (Paul opens the Bob door)
Tim: (desperately) Paul. No! Don't touch that door!
[Paul opens the Bob door to reveal a beautiful box in a shrine. Paul picks up the box. Bob has disappeared.]

[Flacco is dressed as an ancient mariner come pirate. He carries an enormous anchor and hurls it at random.]
Flacco: Anchors away! My deck is pooped! Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight! Do I hear nine? Sold! One piece of nine!

[Paul is still being chased by Tim]
Paul: It's mine, it's my birthday present...
Tim: Paul!!

Newsreader: Hard of hearing? Try listening! Shitsu Tonka!

Troy The Invincible: I am Troy the invincible. (He has a noose around his neck) This rope is attached to a sportscar, the symbol of upper class oppression. (A car engine revs) I am a symbol of the blue collar worker. I will prove that in a world full of change, I am immovable, as immovable as the blue collar worker. As Joan of Arc once said... (The car pulls off, taking Troy with it.)

Newsreader: Shitsu Tonka. Where the news doesn't break, it bends.

[The fight over the box is still going on. Paul is standing on the table holding it.]
Paul: It's mine, it's mine, it's mine.
Tim: I found it, give it to me... Richard. Give it to me...
Paul: (jumps down) It's mine, my present, my birthday.
[They all run towards Tim's room. Paul and Tim climb the ladder.
Richard: I want it, I want it...
Tim: You can't have it.
Richard: Why not?
Tim & Paul: 'Cos you're a girl.
Richard: Shut up. I am not.
Tim: If you're not a girl... how come you draw little girlie circles over your i's?
Richard: I do not! Shut up! Shut up!
Paul: And if you're not a girl, how come you wear His Pants for Her?
Tim: Yeah - how come you wear their pants for it?
Paul: And if you're not a girl, how come you had plenty of textas at school?
Richard: I did not.
Tim: You're a girl! You're a girl 'cos you've got a clitoris.
Paul: Yes you do and how come it keeps on moving? Sometimes you'll wake up in the morning and it's here, and sometimes it'll be here...
Richard: Shut up. Get out of the way! Give it to me, give it to me...
[Richard and Paul contiue the argument. Tim hears Bob whispering and moves to him.]

[Tim wanders over and finds Bob sitting in an electric chair.]
Bob: I'm Bob... I got a problem... I got a problem... I'm not perfect... but every day in every way I'm getting better and better... I am now willing to be happy and successful... I am now willing for all my relationships to work... I'm OK... Are you OK? I'm OK... I'm fine... I'm Bob and I'm beautiful and I'm ready for others to see how attractive I really am. When I eat alone I'm a valued and honoured guest at the table... I have the right to win the kind of partner I want... I have the right to one phone call... I have the right to a speedy and public trial by jury. I'm somebody! I'm somebody... I own a car... ich bin ein somebody... ich bin ein contender... ich bin ein god damn American!!! I'm an American. Have a nice day... Have a nice day... (He repeats this a few times, each time getting meaner.)
As citizens of the United States of a Miracle, that nation under God indivisible ith liberty and justice for all, we have the right to remain silent... We can do it, we have the technology... we have the will power, we have the freedom... We got Phil Donahue... we got God on our side... Do you want fries on the side? Sir?... Can I help you, sir?... Do you wanna fry?... You're gonna fry... I'm gonna fry! Go on Timothy, pull the switch.
[Tim pulls the switch and Bob gets electrocuted. Bob is left a smoking corpse in the chair.]
Bob: I'm Bob and I'll be back.

[Paul and Richard are still fighting over the box.]
Richard: Give it to me, give it to me...
Paul: It's mine, it's mine... Richard, is that your brain?
Richard: Where?
[Paul kicks Richard.]
Paul: It's not fair! No birthday, no presents, no surprise.
Tim: (hits Paul with a baseball bat) Surprise!
[Richard grabs the box before Paul falls to the ground.]

[Bob is hosting Good Morning Murwillumbah.]

Bob: Good morning Murwillumbah, is it top of the hour already? Hi, I'm Bob Downe. Welcome to the wildest regional TV show in the Shitsu Tonka global village. We have a song, we have a chat and we have a lot of haircare products... Today on the show you'll be meeting the oldest couple ever to get a divorce. They were married 75 ... yearsApparently they wanted to wait until the children were dead. And we'll be crossing live to St Mary's Hospital, in LA, where Joan Collins is awaiting the birth of her new boyfriend. Oh, it's 43 seconds past the hour. Shitsu Tonka - for swingers only!

[Paul tries to sit up, but Tim hits him again.]
Tim: And the short man goes down for the count.

[Flacco is dishevelled. He wears a convict shirt over his costume. Cards lay scattered all over the ground and hair spike is broken and limp. He sits with his legs crossed on a huge paper scroll. Quill in hand, he writes a long letter to muma. There are bars on his keyhole, the shadows of which fall over him.]
Flacco: Dear Muma, I fear foul deeds afoot... (Keep it down up there, I can hardly hear myself think!) Of this I am convinced... beyond a shadow of a doubt. (pauses) Who has seen doubt cast a shadow? Bull elephant seals cast shadows... (continues writing) Beyond a shadow of a bull elephant seal... But believe me, Muma, there are no warm-blooded mammals around here... no, not in this neck of the woods... not in this spleen of the forest... not in this scrotum sac of the saltbush plains...
[Flacco stands and addresses his monologue outwards.]
So Muma, I don't know when I'll see you again... It's hard to know when to apply for parole when you're cast out for eternity... But you know Muma... I could have been somebody... I could have been a container... But what do I end up with? A one way ticket to Pallookaville... But what can I do? I cough up, I come clean, I spill the bean... and the first thing you know... Old Jed's a millionaire!

[Paul is on the floor in a foetal state. He reaches for his mother. Richard and Tim enter the dream as evil doctors, dressed in red.]
Mother, mummy - you always remembered my birthday, remember my birth. My birth, it must've come as a real shock to you, as it was just after you'd taken the final vows to become a Carmelite nun. I still think this is the reason we failed to talk for so long...

[Paul is suspended upside down from the 'umbilical cord' over a pit. He is swinging backwards and forwards while being tantalised by the others with the box. Tim and Richard are wearing KKK outfits.]
Paul: Mummy, mummy...
Tim: Well black boy - it's time to die.
Paul: I'm not black.
Richard: Looks black to me.
Paul: I'm white, I'm white.
Tim: You think that makes you better than black folk? Ha, ha, ha. You racist?
Paul: I'll be any colour you want me to be - red, blue, yellow...
[Tim stops swinging Paul.]
Tim: What about black?
Paul: Yeah - I'm black.
Tim & Richard: Time to die.
Paul: No, I'm white.
Tim: You calling us liars there boy?
Richard: I say we drop him in the pit.
Tim: Yeah, yeah.
Richard: Hear that? That's Thulgore. That's where we send all of your kind, to die with Thulgore.
Tim: Remember Thulgore? Well Thulgore is a crab taken from the pubes of a dinosaur, we've been feeding him anabolic steroids for years. He's as big as a rhino and I bet he's just itching to get back into somebody's crotch. Could be yours boy.
Paul: No, please...
Richard: Thulgore's the horniest creature around, boy, but don't worry, he only mates with dead things.
Paul: No! Please, don't do it to me.
Tim & Richard: Oh come on, Paul, stop whingeing. Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Surprise!
[They take off their KKK hats.]
Paul: Oh you remembered! You remembered! Thank you...
[He kisses Tim and Richard in turn/]
Tim: And Paul, here's your present.
[He hands Paul the box.]
Paul: My present! Oh this makes me so happy, you know... I thought you guys had forgotten and I think it's really special 'cos when you're friends like we're friends it means that no matter what happens in life, no matter what horrible things I do, 'cos let's face it sometimes I'm a real little... sh... scamp, that you'll forgive me, like even if I did something really really horrible that you'd forgive me, like if I shredded the letters you wrote to your mothers this morning, you'd forgive me for it...
Richard: You what?
Tim: You filthy mongrel, give me that box... (Tim grabs the box and it falls into the pit.)
Richard: Ummmm. Someone's going to have to go and get that Paul. And if you shredded the letters, then I suppose it was you who cleaned the cat's vomit off the carpet with my toothbrush.
Paul: It was an accident... I didn't mean to...
Tim: Yeah and I bet it was you who wrote 'Tim is a big girl's blouse' all over my vanity case, condiments and mirror?
Paul: I slipped with the pen, I slipped...
Richard: I bet it was you who forgot to feed Thulgore last week?
Tim: That was me.
Paul: No! It was me. That was me.
Tim & RichardTime to die, black boy!
[They cut the rope and Paul falls into the pit]
Tim & Richard: Ooops we forgot... Surprise!
[Confetti, balloons, streamers, the audience wears party hats, they sing. Paul is being raped to death by Thulgore. Clothing comes flying out of the pit. Paul tried to crawl out but Thulgore's arm comes out and drags him back.