Newsreader: Shitsu Tonka News In Brief: A head-on collision is set for the start of the Shitsu Tonka Sex Law Reform Film. Women Against Intercourse request the age of consent to be in the 1800s. The paedophiles want it abolished and the necrophiliacs demanded a user-pays system and turnstiles at cemeteries.

SCENE1, LIVING ROOM
RICHARD STARTS ON THE TABLE AND MOVES UP THE LADDER PUTTING UP DECORATIONS. TIM AND PAUL ARE IN FRONT, ARGUING. THERE ARE STREAMERS, A MIRROR BALL AND A BANNER SAYING 'ROYAL RHINO MISOGYNISTS LODGE'. RICHARD HAS AN APRON ON, LIKE CINDERELLA.
Tim: Oh yeah.
Paul: Yeah.
Tim: Oh yeah.
Paul: Yeah...
TIM AND PAUL CONTINUE... RICHARD GETS DOWN FROM THE LADDER AND GETS UP ON THE TABLE
Tim: That's ridiculous.
Paul: Don't make me laugh, ha, ha, ha.
Tim: Paul, I can tell that you're just upset because I am the peenie prince of rumpy pumpy around here.
Paul: That's a joke, Ferguson... Having sex with you, it'd be like waiting for Godot... has he come yet...?
Tim: Yeah, well doing it with Rich would be lie reading Great Expectations. Is that all there is? Dickens???
Richard: Oh yeah, well having sex with Paul would be like Oliver Twist - 'Please sir, can I have some more?' (HE WIGGLES HIS LITTLE FINGER AT PAUL)
Paul: You wouldn't know! Anyway, where do you find time for all this frivolity, Richard? Aren't you supposed to be putting up the decorations, or cleaning the floor? You'd better be careful or otherwise you'll find yourself face down in Thgulgore's pit. Clean the floor!
Tim: Finish hanging that bunting!
Paul: Clean the floor!
Tim: Finish the bunting!
Paul: Clean the flloor!
Tim: Finish the bunting!
PAUL AND TIM CONTINUE...
Richard: Oh, I wish I could go to the Rhino Ball tonight.
TIM and PAUL You can't come!
Paul: And you can't come... because you're not a member of the Regal Society of Rhinos. The Regal Society of Rhinos is for men, a society full of wonder, full of secret signs.
TIM and PAUL Don't watch! (TIM AND PAUL TUN THEIR FINGERS DOWN THEIR ARMS TOWARDS EACH OTHER LIKE STAMPEDING RHINOS. RICHARD PEEKS THROUGH HIS FINGERS.)
Paul: . . . Of secret handshakes.
TIM and PAUL Don't watch! (TIM AND PAUL DO THE 'FUNNY' HANDSHAKE) A society where men wear dresses and cut their nipples, give praise to Egyptian gods, and have a language all their own...
Tim: Telefed Rollofobillifinsollofon illifis allafa billifig girllirfirl's bloulouflouse.
Paul: And you can't come, mainly, because you don't now the Rhino song.
TIM AND PAUL SING THE RHINO SONG. RICHARD WATCHES THEM IN THE BACKGROUND AND TRIES TO COPY THEM.

PAUL JUMPS INTO TIM'S ARMS. RICH SLIDES ONTO THE FLOOR.
Paul: Clean up! (HE EXITS)
Tim: And go and finish my ironing - I'm going to have a lie down. (HE EXITS)

SCENE2, RICHARD'S ROOM
RICHARD IS IN HIS ROOM IRONING
Richard: It'd be just wonderful if I could go to the Rhino Ball tonight... What am I saying? It's just impossible. I don't have the right clothes or the rhino helmet or anything... (HE SOBS)

FLACCO
FLACCO APPEARS IN RICHARD'S FISH TANK AS A FAIRY GOD FISH ON A ROCK. A PLASTIC MERMAID FIGURE SITS BESIDE HIM.
Flacco: Eh! Eh mate! Get down, get out of it, you're scaring the fish.
Richard: Who are you?
Flacco: It's obvious, isn't it? I'm your Fairy God Fish. Yeah, you know the story - you dream it, we scheme it... get the picture?
Richard: Oh Fairy God Fish, I want to go to the Rhino Ball tonight.
Flacco: Well, off you go son. What do you want, son? A bus ticket?
Richard: But I don't have the right clothes.
Flacco: Oh no mate, we'll fix you up there... Let's see... Bit of a lid.
Richard: (A TUXEDO IN A BOX APPEARS) That's delightful.
Flacco: Bit of a frock.
Richard: That's de-lovely.
Flacco: That's d'lot?
Richard: Yes... no... I'd like to take a girl.
Flacco: Girls? Oh yes, sure, we've got girls. What particular model are we looking at here?... And just quietly, looking at you son, I wouldn't aim too high.
Richard: Fairy God Fish, I'd like a girl who's pointy at one end and blunt at the other, a girl who can glide through the water as if by magic.
Flacco: Well whatever turns you on, son. Why do I get all the weirdos?

SCENE3, THULGORE'S PIT
TIM GOES TO THULGORE'S PIT. THERE ARE TWO HATCHES. HE OPENS THE FIRST.
Tim: Thulgore! Thulgore! Come up you big ugly thing. Ooops! Wrong hatch. (WATER SPURTS OUT AT HIM) That's the ocean escape hatch. I'm always making that mistake. (TIM OPENS THE OTHER HATCH) Thulgore! I'm all wet! Thulgore! Come on up! (THULGORE'S HAND APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE HATCH) Hello mate. You must be excited about the ball tonight. I'm excited. I must say I'm also worried about my cousin Valmay. You remember her... she had a peg leg after a plague of termites hit Tangawarra. Things for a bit rough for her, she went from being the manager of the local hotel to being the bellhop. Gee, she was good at playing 'Kerplunk' after that though. Listen Thulgore, I've made you a couple of pressies. Now here's a hat you can wear to the ball tonight. It's a Rhino hat. (HE HANDS HIM A HAT WITH A HORN ATTACHED TO THE TOP) And here's your special Rhino smock. Try not to get it dirty - and make sure you don't eat too much tonight. See you at the ball!

SCENE4, LIVING ROOM
A BATHTUB IS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM WITH A MERMAID, PRISCILLA, IN IT. PAUL BURSTS OUT OF HIS ROOM.
Paul: OK, why's there seaweed in my room?
Tim: Who's been splashing water in my room?
Richard: Who's been leaving fish bones in my room?
Paul: Rich, clean up this mess, there are starfish everywhere!
TIM, PAUL AND RICHARD WANDER AROUND THE BATHTUB, OBLIVIOUS TO THE MERMAID'S PRESENCE.
Tim: Fnord! Fnord! Keep these beach balls out of here! It's not a bloody beach-ball party, it's supposed to be a Rhino night of dignity,
Paul: (TO RICH) Filthy, filthy, filthy, clean up this mess.
Tim: Anyway, all this water has shrunk my boxer shorts too!
Paul: Maybe they'll fit now!
Richard: There are fishbones everywhere...
Tim: You did this.
Paul: You did.
Richard: No I didn't.
Tim: No, you did! Because you're jealous you can't come to the ball tonight.
Richard: No I didn't.
PRISCILLA I did.
ALL (TURNING TO BATH) Stay out of this.
Paul: You've moved all the furniture around, Richard, how are we supposed to sit at that bathtub...?
THEY TURN, WIDE-EYED, TOWARDS PRISCILLA AND PERFORM A CLASSIC DOUBLE TAKE IN THE STYLE OF THE THREE STOOGES. THEY ALL SCREAM.
Paul: Oh my God - a girl!
Richard: A girl!
Tim: A boat!
THEY TRY TO RUN OFF AND END UP ROUND THE BATH - PRISCILLA SPLASHES HER TAIL AND THEY DISCOVER SHE'S A MERMAID - THEY ALL SCREAM.
TIM AND RICH GO To Paul'S ROOM. PAUL GOES TO TIM'S ROOM.
RICH and TIM Psst Paul! C'mere! Over here!
Paul: No, you come here.
RICH and TIM Come over here! Duck down, she can't see you. (PAUL SCUTTLES ACROSS TO JOIN THEM)
Tim: Beautiful.
Richard: Mysterious.
Paul: Horrible.
Paul: You talk to her, Ferguson!
Tim: Me?! I don't know anything about sailing.
Paul: You've got to talk to her.
Tim: How did she get in here anyway?
Paul: She must've come through the escape hatch.
Richard: I'll talk to her.
Tim: Rich? Ha ha, don't be stupid. I'll talk to her but I'll have to use some old woggling tricks. Don't worry. I''ve read Vogue magazine.
TIM VOGUES HIS WAY TO THE TUB. FASHION STILLS OF TIM FLASH ACROSS THE SCREEN.
G'day, I'm Tim.
PRISCILLA (UNIMPRESSED) You can always tell the ones who went to private school. (TIM EXITS, DEFLATED)
Paul: Nice try Ferg. Now, let an expert in. They love a bit of the old rhyme.
PAUL CROSSES TO THE BATH
Gooday! Bit o' poetry for ya, darl...
Your hair - your hair is a wispy tuna net that has snared my dolphin heart...
Ah your eyes shine brighter than a lighthouse...
Your skin - your skin is a soft sandy beach with terry towelling beach towels luxuriating as your eyebrows...
Your breath is like the restless ocean filled with rubbish, bits of tin, rotting fish heads...
Your ears are like sea shells, and if you listen carefully, you can hear the ocean in them...
PRISCILLA Paul, Paul, you're like the middle ages, nasty, brutish... and short!
TIM AND RICHARD WIGGLE LITTLE FINGERS
Paul: I can take criticism. Get off the Titanic!
PAUL CROSSES TO TIM AND RICHARD
Paul: It's OK, she's leaving.
Tim: (LOOKING) No she's not moving, maybe the wind's not strong enough. (TESTS IT)
Paul: OK this calls for drastic action. Rich, get her off the Titanic. Go. Take care of it! (RICH LEAVES)
Tim: Well that's over and done with, I'm going to write some letters.
Paul: Who to?
Tim: Paul, I've got a girl in every port!
TIM AND PAUL EXIT - LEAVING RICH WITH THE MERMAID
Richard: (HE STANDS FOLORNLY WITH HIS BACK TO PRISCILLA) This wasn't my idea it was the other two's idea I'm really sorry about this but you'll have to leave it wasn;t my idea you have to get off the Titanic the others made me say this and I'm really sorry goodbye see you later...
AT THIS POINT PRISCILLA FLICKS HER TAIL UP AND TOUCHES RICH WITH IT; HE BRUSHES IT AWAY. HE TURNS TO HER.
Oh God! You're beautiful! Are you cold? Would you like a towel? A cup of tea? Some sandwiches?
RICH DASHES BACK AND FORTH. PRISCILLA YANKS RICHARD INTO THE BATH.
PRISCILLA Relax Richard, sit down. Oh, no Richard, you're beautiful. I'm Priscilla, I've been sent by your Fairy God Fish to accompany you to the ball.
Richard: But why me?
PRISCILLA Because Richard, it's obvious. Tim is handsome, charismatic and powerful, and Paul, Paul is dirty, hard and animalistic, but Richard, you're nice... (SHE SNUGGLES UP TO HIM)
Richard: I don't understand.
PRISCILLA Put it this way... Paul is the one you want to do it with, Tim is the one you think of while you're doing it to Paul - but Richard, you're the one you'd marry. You're nice, dependable, you're Richard. Take me...
Richard: I can't.
PRISCILLA Take me.
Richard: I can't.
PRISCILLA Take me to the ball.
Richard: I... can't
PRISCILLA PUCKERS UP FOR A KISS
Richard: I can't. (HE STUFFS A SANDWICH IN HER MOUTH AND RUNS FROM THE ROOM)

FLACCO
RICHARD IS IN HIS ROOM
Richard: Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!
Flacco: What's the matter with you, son? You don't like her or what? She's not good enough for you? That's quality seafood, son! I suppose you want one of those two legged models with no fins and no scales?!
Richard: Yes please, Fairy God Fish!
Flacco: Yeah, well I'll have you know I don't deal in that kinky stuff. Nice kid but wouldn't know his way around an anchovy! Still, the customer is always right.. if it's legs you want, it's legs you get. How many would you like, son?
Richard: Two please, Fairy God Fish.
Flacco: Done! But just remember this, son. If you don't want to be stuck with this broad for the rest of your life, whatever you do don't kiss her. Besides, she rusts easily. Now straighten yourself up, son. Straighten yourself up. What are you, son? What are you? What are your legs?
Richard: Steel springs, sir.
Flacco: What are your arms?
Richard: Giant propellers, sir.
Flacco: What's your head?
Richard: A combine harvester.
Flacco: And what are they gonna do?
Richard: Hurl me down the track.
Flacco: You're a tiger son, a tiger. What are you?
Richard: A tiger. Grrrrrrr.

WAYNE KERR
Wayne Kerr: If there's one thing I hate, it's martial arts experts. Martial ar5ts are designed to make short men feel tall. Haven't these little buggers ever heard of platforms? Justice comes from the barrel of a gun. This is it boys! Let's take a walk on the ironside.

SCENE5, 'THE BALL'
THE LIVING AREA IS DECKED OUT WITH STREAMERS, BALLOONS AND DISCO LIGHTS. PAUL SITS ON THE SIDE, DEPRESSED. TIM ENTERS PROUDLY IN HIS RHINO OUTFIT.
Tim: Well, this is a great turnout, Rhinos! Rhinos forever! (SINGS) I'm the Rhino from Cootamundra! I'm the Rhino of the tundra. Moo! moo! Rhinos! Two horns, one for honking, one for bonking, Moo! Moo! Our enemies tremble because of us. I'm a robust Ribald Rhinoceros. My masonmates do anything for me, when they see that I am horny. Moo! Moo! We are boys full of propriety, we're very noisy for a secret society! Come on, Paul! Come on. What's the matter?
Paul: Leave me alone.
Tim: What's gotten into you?
Paul: (SOBS) I'm a wallflower - no one wants to dance with me.
Tim: Don't start this, you can have your pick of people here tonight.
Paul: Pick, pick, pick, that's it - no one will dance with me. The sad lonely wallflower sitting my myself in the corner.
Tim: What corner?
Paul: Yes the corner, the corner, you're jealous because I'm a little girl.
Tim: A little girl?
Paul: Yes, you hate the little girl.
Tim: You're not a little girl, I've seen you in the bath.
Paul: Yes, I'm a little wallflower girl and you know my secret.
Tim: What secret?
Paul: That the little girl wallflower is in fact the beautiful mysterious ballerina with beautiful golden hair and soft skin. That's why you're jealous of me - you know my dark mystery. That's why you're secretly happy.
Tim: Secretly happy? I'm secretly happy about what?
Paul: That the most beautiful ballerina little girl wallflower has... cancer.
Tim: No.
Paul: . . . of the brain.
Tim: No you don't.
Paul: Yes. Funny man. Funny man. Just because you can't say it. And that's why you're too embarrassed to let me out to play with the big kids... 'cos the pretty ballerina is also... crippled.
Tim: Paul, you're not crippled. I've seen you jump puddles.
Paul: I'm a little girl wallflower pretty ballerina, I've got cancer of the brain and I'm cripples and you're too embarrassed to dance with me.
Tim: Oh, so that's it. OK, let's have a dance.
PAUL GETS UP TO DANCE, ARMS OUTSTRETCHED TOWARDS TIM BUT HIS LEGS BUCKLE UNDER HIM. HE FALLS DOWN WITH A SOB AND DRAGS HIMSELF ACROSS THE FLOOR CRYING. TIM PICKS HIM UP AND THEY DANCE AWKWARDLY.
There you go pretty ballerina.
RICHARD AND PRISCILLA SWEEP PAST, DANCING MAGNIFICENTLY. RICHARD IS DRESSED IN A WHITE SUIT WITH A HUGE WHITE, FURRY RHINO HAT. PRISCILLA HAS LEGS.
Tim: What the hell?...
PRISCILLA Kiss me Richard, kiss me. If you kiss me before midnight then I'll be able to stay this way and I won't have to go back to the fish tank again.
Richard: (TURNING AWAY) No, no I can't. You see I once dated a girl called Mary Jo Kopechne. Two days later she drowned at Chappaquiddick. Then I dated a girl called Natalie... Natalie Wood. Natalie would, but I couldn't. Three days later she drowned at Miami Beach. Then... I dated a girl called Janis Joplin but she drowned.
PRISCILLA In a river?
Richard: No, in her own vomit. Ever since then I've been unable to date girls who don't wear floaties.
THEY DANCE OFF
Tim: Look at him. Look at him. He thinks he's so wonderful because hes got a partner to dance with. And look what I've got! Well two can play at this game. I've got a bit of a tragic admission... It just so happens I have here an inflatable girl. It's a little bit tasteless and I'm ashamed but damn it, I'll dance with her.
TIM PULLS OUT AN INFLATABLE RUBBER DINGHY WHICH INFLATES BECAUSE AARON AND NICK ARE SO BLOODY CLEVER. TIM DANCES WITH THE DINGHY, PAUL FALLS AND CRAWLS AWAY.
Tim: This is Stella! Some here Stella. You're all woman. You look so radiant tonight. Let's get together and make little kayaks. Do you feel like some canoe-dling? Let's go back to my room. I've got a great little dirty video called 'The Titanic Goes Down'.
SUDDENLY BOB SNEAKS UP BEHIND THE DINGHY, HE STABS IT WITH A KNIFE.
Bob: Hi Sildier! Mind if I cut in?
Tim: Run! Run! (HE THROWS THE DINGHY AWAY)
BOB STARTS TO DANCE A TANGO WITH TIM
Bob: Do ya know what it's like to be hit Timothy?... To be struck down, to have tour heart torn out and cut up into pieces?... Do ya know what I'm talking about Timothy? (TIM SHAKES HIS HEAD) Any idea?
Love Timothy! Love!! It was during my senior year that I fell in love. Her name was Kathleen... I decided to win her heart so I started sending her gifts... You know, a match box full of my navel lint, some very interesting bits of wood I found along the road... It wasn't until the senior prom that I really got my chance, though. She was standing there all by herself, so I went over to her, got down on one knee and I said to her 'Kathleen Ewing, I love you so much I'd drink a bath of spit for you...'
Well the whole place went quiet and before she could answer, Todd Baker the school captain came over and broke the whole thing up!... I spent the rest of the evening getting drunk. I don't remember much else... except that poor Todd mysteriously went for a swim that night in the river... with a plastic bag tied over his head. (BOB PUSHES TIM'S HEAD IN PUNCH BOWL)
TIM STRUGGLES WITH BOB AND PUSHED HIS HEAD INTO THE PUNCH BOWL, DROWNING HIM.
Tim: Oh my God! What have I done?!
Bob: (HIS HEAD COMES UP) I love these party games!
(HE SLUMPS BACK UNDER WATER) I'm Bob and I'll be... (HE DROWNS)
PRISCILLA Kiss me Richard. It's nearly midnight.
THEY SLOWLY MOVE TO KISS BUT RICHARD'S RHINO HORN GETS IN THE WAY.
THE DINGHY IS LEANING OVER TIM'S DOOR, TIM IS LEANING OVER THE DINGHY TALKING TO IT AND CARESSING IT.
Tim: Now, where was I before we were so rudely interrupted? Ay yes, you're so beautiful. Everybody's looking at us tonight. They're so jealous - just ignore them. (TIM FIDDLES WITH THE AIR VALVE) Ooh, I didn't know it was so cold in here tonight! Stella, I see you're not wearing your outboard motor! That's fine... I don't like fast women.
PAUL APPEARS WITH A SPEARGUN AND AIMS IT AT THE DINGHY
Paul: Pretty ballerina says, get away from her! Die! Die!
PAUL FIRES THE SPEAR INTO THE DINGHY AND IT DEFLATES
Tim: Paul, why did you do that?
Paul: Look, we were happy before all these women showed up. Now look at us! We're fighting each other!
Tim: No, we're not.
PAUL PUNCHES TIM
Paul: That's it Rich, you keep that one there. She's taken the bait, mate! (PAUL TURNS THE SPEAR ON PRISCILLA) What are you doing, Rich? You're only a prawn in her game, you'll never kipper. My soul cries for you, Rich, but I won't carp on - look, I'll hum a happy tuna... salmon enchanted evening. Well if I can't woo you with words, I'll kill you with this spear gun.
Richard: Quick! This way to the escape hatch!
RICHARD AND PRISCILLA RUN TO THE TWO HATCHES
Paul: Come back! Stand still! I can't hit a moving target. (PAUL SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE FOOT, HE STARTS MOVING IN CIRCLES, PIROUETTING.) Pretty ballerina, pretty balllerina.

SCENE 6
RICHARD AND PRISCILLA RUN TO THE HATCHES. RICHARD PAUSES, TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH ONE OS THE ESCAPE HATCH
Richard: This one. Quickly!
RICHARD DRAGS THE HATCH DOOR OPEN
PRISCILLA Oh, Richard, I'll come back for you.
Richard: I'll always love you. a farewell kiss...
RICHARD CLOSES HIS EYES AND STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT TO KISS PRISCILLA IN A VULGAR AND DISGUSTING FASHION.
PRISCILLA (SHE DECIDES AGAINST LETTING HIM KISS HER) Maybe next time.
PRISCILLA HOLDS HER NOSE AND JUMPS. RICHARD CLOSES THE HATCH. HE LOOKS AT BOTH HATCHES, CONFUSED.

SCENE 7, LIVING ROOM
PAUL STILL HAS THE SPEAR STUCK IN HIS FOOT AND IS SPINNING AROUND LIKE A BALLERINA. TIM CRAWLS IN.
Tim: What happened? Where is she?
Richard: She's gone Tim. But she left this behind - a glass flipper.
Paul: Pretty ballerina, pretty ballerina.

SCENE 8, THULGORE'S PIT
THULGORE IN HIS PIT, FINISHING OFF SOME FISHBONES (PRISCILLA). HE BURPS AND FARTS.

SCENE9, LIVING ROOM
PAUL AND TIM SIT AROUND THE TABLE. RICHARD IS SCRUBBING THE FLOOR.
Paul: (TO RICH) Faster, faster. Aaah, women... Horrible.
Richard: Beautiful!
Tim: Buoyant!

FLACCO
FLACCO AND ROSS THE COCKROACH DISCUSS THE DAY'S EVENTS - AKA TWO ACTORS WHO HAVE FINISHED A DAY'S WORK
Flacco: Struth, what a day it was, what a day! Can you believe this outfit Ross? A fairy god fish? Now, I don't know about you Ross, but I'm getting pretty sick of playing these lousy bit parts just for the sake of some mediocre plotline. Tell you what, Ross, they don't know true acting talent when they see it!
What's that Ross? Yess Ross I do remember the time you played the bug in All The President's Men. Yes Ross I know you played the leech in African Queen... Yes yes I know you were the original Lassie. Of course, Ross, and the voice of Mr Ed. What's that Ross? No no I didn't know that Ross, I dodn't know you were the stand-in for Sigourney Weaver in Alien... You mean, they were your underpants Ross?
(FLACCO PEEPS OVER THE SCREEN TO LOOK AT ROSS CHANGING) Oh yeah, just looking at you there... like this... I could go for you mate in a big way. Yes Ross just you and me, we could have a ball of our own Ross! Come on, mate, let's go! Ooooohhhh! (A RHINO BELLOWS) Can I have the first dance, Ross? I think it's my shout. Like a beer mate? No, no, my shout...