Newsreader: Stay Tuned Shitsu Tonka: Another day of global peace where nothing much happens. No war, no inflation, no violence, no rainforest. That's a Shitsu Tonka day.

[Tim and Richard are at the table, while Paul climbs through the tunnel, carrying a gas gun.]
Paul: If you're happy and you know it, take your grandfather for a walk around the cemetery so he gets used to the view! Happy days! Cockroaches, cockroaches everywhere. I can't stand insects, pests, vermin, scum - I'm going to send them all of to cockroach heaven! There's some now... (he sprays an insect and plumes of smoke engulf Richard) Gotcha!!
Richard: Please! Watch out Paul, we're trying to eat breakfast! (To Tim) What are you doing?
Tim: I'm eating... What does it look like? I'll eat anything.
Richard: Anything? Even Meat? Uuh, uuh, uuh, Tim. I've made a conscientious decision to clean out my system. I refuse to eat the flesh of other animals. I'm a vegetarian now.
Tim: A vegetarian?
(Paul climbs up on the table.)
Paul & Tim: You sicko. Well what are you doing eating this? (They wave Richard's fish under his nose).
Richard: (grabs fish) Well, I eat fish sometimes, but only when it's really lightly cooked. And anyway Tim, we vegetarians always say, it's not a piece of meat, it's a dead cow.
Paul & Tim: We call it beef!
Paul: Selfish, selfish, selfish, that's what you are. That fish of yours doesn't have any feelings... but an animal, mate, an animal has feelings... and that animal made the supreme sacrifice for you. It lived a short unfulfilling life. It suffered humiliation, debasement... and finally it died so that you might live, died like our own Lord Jesus Christ. And when that plate of meat and three veg. comes around, what do you do to that self-sacrificing animal, Rich? You push it to one side. You look at it and say, 'No thank you'.
Tim: You don't seem to understand, Richard. There are tiny little lambs in Japan with human names like Emma, Jonathan, kept in little cardboard boxes all their lives, fed only peaches, beer and farmers' semen, and when their throats are cut from ear to ear and there's no one to mourn them, you just carelessly say, 'No! No! I'll just nibble on this lettuce...'
Paul: (grabs the gun) Get away from this lettuce, it's got a cockroach on it. (He sprays the gun and the gas gets into Richard's eyes.)
Richard: Oh no! I've been blinded...
Paul: Try to focus Rich, try to focus... (He grabs a chopstick and waves it in front of Richard's eyes.) Left, right, left, right...
(He stabs Richard in the eye, and Richard screams.)
Tim: (To Paul) Fair enough. You're really getting a kick out of this, aren't you?
Paul: Yeah!... This place has got a disease. And I'm the cure! There's cockroaches everywhere. There's one there... If you're happy and you know it... give lifelong investments to terminally ill patients. If you're happy and you know it get a razor blade and run it along the length of your tongue and eat some salt! Ha Ha!
Richard: (still at the table) Salt?! That's a good idea. (He rubs salt into the fish and begins to eat the fish with the chopsticks.) Mmmmm Caviar... it must be a girl!

[Flacco is in his box in a high chair, waiting for dinner/]
Flacco: Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone, but when she got there, the cupboard was bare, and so the poor mongrel starved to death. Waiter? Waiter? Waiter? Getting a bit peckish in here... could do with a feed. Waiter! (He smells Richard's fish) Mmmmmmm. Trevally?! Waiter! Waiter? Waiter?!

[Richard and Tim are back at the table.]
Richard: Here Tim, have some fish... It's fingerlickin' good...!
Paul: If you're happy and you know it give dyslexic children copies of James Joyce's Ulysses to read... Now boys! There's cockroaches everywhere around here! (He sprays Tim and Richard while they eat. Tim begins to sneeze, but it doesn't happen.)
Tim: No... it didn't happen! I must have caught a bug!
Richard: Gee, he's been acting strange.

[Tim is in his room.]
Tim: Oh my God! It's happening again... thought it'd be safe down here at the bottom of the ocean filing away the artefacts from the history of conflict. The Company reckons that art is dangerous... but they don't know what danger is. That reminds me of a bizarre story from my youth. You see, my uncle developed a strange desire to preserve humanity against any eventuality. He knew that the only ccreatures who were going to survive humanity were the cockroaches. And so he took a dozen frozen cockroach glands and meshed them with his own DNA, and somehow this DNA got passed to my mother (He weeps over a picture of his mother on the wall)... He went mad and I inherited the family curse (his mother's face turns into a cockroach)... and grew a legion of fascist cockroaches... and I went to the Cat Protection Society in Tangawarra and smashed the place and its two miserable old crones, but the roaches didn't now that the little old ladies had a rare tropical skin disorder... they died horribly, crackling to death in their shells... (crying) Oh what is to become of me? Here are your slippers - and may you never have a day's luck with them... (his hand turns into a cockroach pincer).

[Back at the table, Richard is eating. Flacco lands on the fish and ends up on a mouthful in Richard's chopsticks.]

Troy The Invincible: I am Troy the Invincible! The indestructible man. One man for all men! This is a chair. A symbol of the lower classes. This is a croquet mallet. A symbol of the mindless trivial pursuits that the slack-jazed brain-dead recessed-gene ruling classes enjoy. I will stop this croquet mallet smashing my skull with only the strength of my working class conviction. Thus through one worker, all workers triumph. (His head is knocked off by the mallet).

[Richard is still at the table, vomitting up nerfballs.]
Richard: What's this? A furball? I haven't licked myself in weeks!
(Tim walks on and eats a little with his pincer claw.)
Paul: If you're happy and you know it, give Yul Brynner another cigarette. (Sees Tim's claw and sprays at it with the gun) Happy days! Happy Days!

[Tim walks into the corridor and opens the first door, so he can hide in there. Bob is there wearing the headset to an electric chair.]
Tim: Oh my God!!
Bob: I'm Bob.
Tim: Oh listen, mate, I haven't got time...
Bob: Stand to, civilian! You know, I just can't seem to calm down these days. It's story time, Timothy. Here's a story... of a man called Brady, who was stringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold like their mommy... the youngest one was hang'n from a bunk!!... have you ever chewed a piece of gum for so long that soon you're just chew'n teeth?... Well, have ya? (He holds up the electric plug) Would you mind plugg'n this thing in for me?
(Tim closes the door and hears Paul approaching. Tim hides his claw behind his back.)
Paul: Ah gotcha! God! Where did it go?
Tim: What?
Paul: You must have seen it.
Tim: Seen what?
Paul: The roach, the biggest roach I've ever seen. It was enormous. I want to bag that sucker and mount its head.
Tim: You're sick.
Paul: No Tweezer Dick, on a wall. I want to mount its head on a wall.
Tim: That's pretty horny.
Paul: Tim, I want to stuff it.
Tim: I know. Look, Paul old buddy, what is this obsession you have with cockroaches? I mean, I kinda like the pesky little critters. They never do anybody any harm - AAARRRGGGH!!!!! (Tim grabs his stomach) They never hurt no one. I'm not feeling well... I've got to go.
Paul: Stay right there Tim... This reminds me of a story from my youth... Members of my family died at the claws of some genetically deranged cockroaches. My aunties, Auntie Greed and Aunty Avarice, did charity work in Tangawarra. They ran the Cat Protection Society. One day when I was only seven years old, I found them, their flesh torn from their bodies. They had been eaten alive by cockroaches. All but one of the cockroaches were dead... But the big ringleader... lived. He was the biggest roach I saw until today... I took Auntie Avarice's electric drill and lathed his brains out.
Tim: You killed my uncle!
Paul: What???
Tim: Simon and Garfunkel... shit band.
Paul: That doesn't make sense.
Tim: Yes it does. They were a shit band.
Paul: Are you OK? You're acting strange...
Tim: No, I'm fine... AAARRRGGGH!!!!! Ding Ding Ding. Hey there Gilligan, little buddy. Is it really Ginger, Ginger? Bang, Bang. Bang, Bang. I'm fine...
Paul: OK then that's the spirit! Come on then...
Tim: C'mon where?
Paul: We're going to kill that roach.

(Richard is in his room coughing up nerfballs at an alarming rate, and then hiding them whereever he can.)

[Flacco is in Richard's stomach throwing the nerfballs out of Richard's body.]
Flacco: Fear not, my friends, for there is nothing to fear but fear... Oh yes, there is... take for example three great truckloads of Maoris consuming copious quantities of alcohol in an anti-social manner. Now that's a nit frightening, isn't it? Gives me the shivers. The hair on my sstomach just stands on end - I hate that! But remember, my friends, it is better to give that to wear those underpants that ride straight up the... Oh I hate that! It's a terrible look for me. I hate it when people do that to me. (He throws more nerfballs out of Richard's body) Take that, you loser!

Newsreader: Shitsu Tonka Blitz Bits: Christian Fundamentalists claim orgasms cause cancer. Shitsu Tonka update.

[Paul's room.]
Paul: What are all these bloody things doing here? If I find out who was responsible for this one... (They hear a loud vomitting noise) What's that? (Paul and Tim rush into Paul's room and Richard is hiding in there looking secretive.)
Paul: What the hell are you doing in here?
Richard: Nothing. Why? Why? (Paul picks up Richard by the shirt) Nothing, I was just seeing if my suit fits.
Paul: Liar!
Richard: I was... j... j... just testing to see if the light stays on when the fridge door closes.
Paul: That's not the fridge Rich. What do you know about Mr Monster Roach? Is he one of your daft experiments? C'mon bum-wart, out with it! What do you know about this roach?
Richard: Nothing. Whhat roach? I don't know. (Nerfballs swell in his throat. Behind Paul, Tim's exposes his claw menacingly) I... It... It's behind...
(Richard spits out the ball and points at Tim. Tim gains control and hides his claw as Paul turns to look at him.)
Paul: What is it? I'm not in the mood for party games. Richard, I am going to count to five. . . One... Two... Three... Four... Five... (turns sharply)
(Paul turns to Tim and sees nothing. He then turns to Richard who begins to spit out a nerfball, as Tim reveals both claws to strangle Paul. Richard tries to warn Paul, but his mouth is full.)
Richard: It's Tim! He's - he's...
Paul: Yes Richard - Tim, he's - he's...
Audience: He's behind you...
Paul: What?
Audience: He's behind you!!
Paul: Oh get stuffed, the lot of you... (he's confused)
Richard: Paul, it's Tim, you don't understand, he's a cock...
Paul: Yeah, Rich, tell us something we don't know...
Richard: He's a... a... a...
Paul: C'mon Jerk Pod. Tim do you understand what he's talking about? (Tim hides his claws as Paul turns to him. Tim is smiling ina a contorted fashion. Richard spits out another nerfball as Paul turns back to him.)
Paul: OK, what are you two playing at, some sort of conspiracy? Well I haven't the time for it. Well? Get out of my room...
(Paul drags Richard out of his room.)
Paul: Get outta my room, Rich, outta my room.
Paul: Look you two haemorrhoids, I'm going to leave this for you to sort ut. We're in a pile of shit... I'm going to kill the roach.

Wayne Kerr: If there's one this I hate, it's a radical lesbian separatist feminist with one eye, a peg-leg, a parrot on her shoulder, no front teeth and carrying a copy of Germaine Greer's Female Eunuch.
Spinner: Gee Wayne, there can't be too many of those around.
Wayne Kerr: Are you kidding? Spinner, Paddlefoot, let's pack heat.
Wayne Kerr: Justice comes from the barrel of a gun. And just remember boys, if God had wanted lesbians to exist, they would have been born with a penis.
Three Lesbians: I am a radical lesbian separatist feminist with one eye, a peg-leg, a parrot on my shoulder, no front teeth, with a copy of Germaine Greer's Female Eunuch. There's more of us out there than you think.
(The crew smash the door down and shoot the lesbians in cold blood.)
Wayne Kerr: (grabs the book) When is Germaine Greer going to learn to spell 'unique'?
Paddlefoot: Wayne, you said she had no front teeth...
(Wayne kicks one of his victim's teeth in.)
Wayne Kerr: Sex is my adventure!

[Tim approaches Richard who is lying in bed. Richard spits out a ball.]
Richard: You - you're the cockroach!
Tim: And you, you're the one who's been filling the Titanic up with Nerfballs. Don't you know if this doesn't stop there'll be no room left. We'll suffocate. You'll have to stop!
Richard: And if you don't stop you'll be a cockroach.
Tim: Like my father and his father before him and his father then, skip father, then his father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father - what's wrong with that if it runs in the family?! What did you say about my mother?! Pretty soon me and my cockroach legions will roar all over the planet and suck the flesh from your filthy pink little body... (he notices that he has two clawas now)... bodies. Do not lean out of the windows. Colonel Klink where are the prisoners...?
Richard: You're mad!
Tim: (battling to control himself) Yes - no - yes. Please Richie, give me a hand. You've got to help me. Last time this happened, I ate human flesh! (Tim goes to eat Richard's hand, then wraps himself around Richard) NO. NO. Stop me! Maybe potboil you, get the flesh loose. Or maybe I'll let you rot a while - I can't eat a friend - Oh yes I can no I can't yes I can... I never liked you anyway... I am soooooo hungry !#*!
Richard: Tim Tim... oh no oh no etc... Timmy Timmy...
Tim: Save yourself! Don't watch - Rich kill, me kill me? (Tim drops behind the computer desk) Kill me! What a stupid thing to say. Feed me, yeah feed me!! - Aaaaahhh... Gotcha! Maybe I'll rip the testicles from your furry body and use them as furry dice! (He turns into a terrifying giant cockroach).
Richard: This reminds me of a story from my youth.
Tim: AAAHH... Gotcha!!!
(Richard runs screaming from the room).
Tim: Experience life. Richie boy... Gotcha. Ha Ha Ha. Gotcha!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!

[Bob Downe is hosting his own evangelical show.]
Bob: Sisters, brothers, swingers all. Join me in my songs of devotion. Bob Downe for Jesus. (He sings, "Amazing Grace", "Morning Has Broken", "Onward Christian Soldiers") Jesus loves me; and so will you. Only on Shitsu Tonka.

[Tim the Cockroach is eating everything he can find in the living area. Richard is on the roof of Paul's room.]
Tim: MMM... Yummy, Yummy, Chippy, chippy, chippy. Nerfball... Nerfball... Tastes good. Yummy, Yummy, Richard! Richard hungry Richard. Kill Nerfball, kill Richard.
Richard: We grew up together... we were like brothers... we shared a girlfriend...
Tim: Shared a girlfriend?...
Richard: No we never...
Tim: Just like Joan Collins, only a virgin... Nerfball... Nerfball... eat... eat... eat...
(Richard races into the tunnel away from Tim, who is climbing the ladder. Paul enters from below.)
Paul: Rich Rich What the hell are these things? Spit all over them! Which way did he go? If I find out who's responsible for these bloody things. Rich, Rich...
Richard: Help me! Paul, he's gonna eat me - Help meeeee.
(Paul can't hear his screams, as Tim scrambles after Richard.)

Newsreader: A pensioner with Parkinson's disease, chained, beaten and used as a grader. Shitsu Tonka Colour Pictures.

[Richard bursts out of a door into the living area. He falls and hurts his ankle as he runs across the room and into Tim's room. Tim chases after him.]
Richard: Tim oh Tim, get back. Oh my ankle
Tim: I love being a cockroach
(Tim races across the room and gets stuck in the door way.
Tim: Richard! Richard! Feed me, feed me, feed me...
Richard: Don't don't... Paul, Paul save me... Kill him Paul. Tim I love you, I'll give you...???????
(Tim tries to open the door and is eventually successful. Richard screams as Tim crashes through the door and begins eating the nerfballs. Paul comes down through the roof with his gas gun blazing.)
Paul: Get away from her, you bitch! This is for the people who suffer... oppression... tyranny... Aunty Avarice... and Greed... the kipper... prepare to die, filthy scum.
Richard: Paul, don't kill him! It's Tim! Tim is the cockroach, it's Tim - no - no - no - no - #@$$%#@@#
Paul: Have a good weekend.
(Richard, in a fit of bravery, leaps in front of the gun. Plumes of smoke engulf the room).

[Tim, Paul and Richard are watching TV, calm and collected. They sing "Happy Endings".]
Paul: What a day! I mean who would have guessed that the pesticide that I developed wouldn't kill cockroaches, but would stop Richard from throwing up Nerfballs.
Tim: And who would have known that those balls could cure my metamorphosis and turn me back into normal, gorgeous self.
Richard: Hey Paul, has anyone ever told you that you have a head like a toilet brush?
Paul: Only turds, Rich.