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Farewell Rove
So it looks like the end for our friends,
The funsters of Rove.
For all their clever japery,
They couldn't out-clever the icy hand of death.
Perhaps there's a lesson in what we've just witnessed,
Or maybe they're victims of just general shitness.

But, do you remember "Other peoples lives"?
What a corker!
Do you remember "Idiot Boxing"
It was ace!
And the fruit shop guy with the mustache who said "Coupla days!"
That's the Comedy Company... that was Mark Mitchell.

Oh Rove, if you're up there,
Look down on us with favour.
Now when Kerrie-Anne's in trouble,
Who's there gonna be to save her?
Oh Rove, you and your waggish mates,
You'll be cracking gags at the pearly gates.
So Rove, I'll say hi to my mum for you.

Gatesy: You know, what bit in the whole of the Rove season, what was your favourite bit?
Scod: That's easy! My favourite bit was when we met this band, Oscar Lima in the dressing room, right, and they gave me a free shirt.
Gatesy: I was actually thinking what was your favourite bit on the actual show?
Scod: Oh right, on the show, ummm...

Do you remember the controversial cliche test?
It was the best.
When they killed two birds with one stone,
They were stuffed!
Too right they were stuffed, they didn't have a chance!
How many jokes can you get out of one single beard?

Scod: I thought of it! My favourite joke! It's when they dress up as a woman! Like when Pete was a lunch lady!
Gatesy: And Dave Callan dressed up as Kylie Minogue!
Yon: And when Corrine Grant dresses up as a woman, it's a bloody pisser!... I'm gonna miss her. I'm coming over all Celine Dion.

Oh Rove, if you're up there,
Look down on us with favour.
Geez we're gonna miss you,
And your mischievous behavior.
Oh Rove, you and your waggish mates (you and your waggish mates),
You'll be cracking gags at the pearly gates,
Oh Rove, I'll say hi to my mum for you.

Yon: Rove was the greatest talent since Daryl Somers.
Gatesy: And his career was cut short. He had so many good years left in him. For 28 years he was the king of television!
Yon: This song isn't about Daryl, it's actually about Rove.
Gatesy: Oh, yeah.

Do you remember when Rove came out at the start and stuffed his jokes up?
But then he made light of the whole thing and it was okay.
Do you remember the week after that, you know, when Rove stuffed up his jokes?
But it was okay cause he made light of it,
And the next week (errrrr),
His jokes got (errrrrr),
Stuffed up (errrrr),
Again!
But it was okay because he made light of it, it was fine.
Scod: Why don't they just use cue cards?
Yon: Cue cards? (Reads from cue card) No one uses cue cards anymore!
Gatesy: Do you know what my favourite bit was? When Tripod played the last episode and sang that song at the end. They were great.

Oh Rove, If you're up there,
Look down on us with favour.
Now who's gonna give our Wednesday nights,
That clever, yet accessible flavour?
While other men were climbing mountains of snow,
You just wanted your own TV show.

Oh Rove, I know you're up there,
With Davo and Corrine (you're up there).
Peter overused the word "testicles",
So he'll have trouble getting in.
Oh Rove, you rambunctious little elf,
Up there the kid's jokes are all top shelf.
Jehovah's gonna cack himself.
Oh Rove, I'll say bye to my mum for you.

Country Song/Manchild/Frog Jelly/Dabros
Martin the man-child was a simple man,
A very very very very very simple man.
He was the man in the body of a child in the body of a man,
In the body of a child.
And he was in love, with a woman... child!
Which worked out quite well.

Martin and his woman-child bride,
Whose name we haven't specified.
They had a simple life without the modern things like telly.
On a farm whose principal produce was milk from cows that were fed on grass which needed to be harvested using special machines that were lubricated by a particular kind of oil which was the derivative of pond scum which generated by a particular species of frog jelly.

He was in love with a woman,
And a particular species of frog jelly.

One sunny afternoon,
He was wading through the dam (scary bit!).
Collecting pond scum in his special pond scum can.
And from beneath the murky waters he heard
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
And as it cleared the surafe of the water he then heard,
Exterminate! Exterminate!
Which wasn’t as threatening as it first had been,
But to a simple man it was still sufficiently threatening.

And he was in love with a woman,
But right now that was the furthest thing from his mind.
Daleks were never noted for their brains,
And if you know your sci-fi you'll know they get around on wheels (Right Rosso? Yes mate!).
They sank into the mud and rusted,
Broke apart and died.
And the frog jelly feasted on their polystyrene insides.

But they were in love with Davros,
When you think about it, Davros sounds suspiciously like Tim Ross.
And the fact that you never see them in the same room together,
Suggests to me that they are either the same person, or they hate each other's guts.

Jamie Oliver/Sultanas/Posted Sandwich
My girlfriend don't love me no more,
I'm trying my best but she wants more.
She says 'Why can't you be like that guy on TV?
He calls himself naked but wears a skivvy.'
I decided to make her some food.
Well, I stood at the stove in the nude,
But then I found out, why he's not tackle out,
Why his not in the buff,
While he's cooking his stuff.
I discovered a whole new meaning to fat fire!

I'm trying so hard to impress her,
But in the kitchen I'm making a mess-er.
My pasta's a huge disaster,
She's not in a hurry to eat my curry,
And my soup spelt backwards is uoos.
I've got a new recipe,
Maybe if he uses it, she'll love me.

Oh postie please deliver,
My sandwich to Jamie Oliver.
That would be the best gift I could give her,
If my sultana sandwich made it on the Naked Chef.
(Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Alright! Rocking out to the kids man!)

I can just see him now on his show,
In between washing his car and riding his moped.
His beautiful flat, and his trendy speech impediment,
Does he ever have time to cook?

Well, what we've a got now is this new recipe posted in from Merrick, yeah Merrick, yeah. It's a sultana sandwich, you know, it's a bit weird. Bit like me, cause I'm a bit weird. I'm a bit on the edge, I'm a bit cool, you know? I'm young - old people don't really get me cause I'm fantastic. Yeah, I'm bloody great.

Oh postie please deliver,
My sandwich to Jamie Oliver.
That would be the best gift I could give her,
If my sultana sandwich made it on the Naked Chef.

What a gyp!
Girls get Jamie Oliver.
And we get Two Fat Ladies.

Anna Kournakova/Tightarse Tuesday/Mandigan
Yon: Now, life's a balancing act when you're a man, you know. On the one hand you've gotta make your way in the world, and on the other hand you’ve got one of those, you know, coloured umbrellas.
Scod: Yon!
Yon: Is that too literal?
Scod: Yeah.
Yon: Okay. Well there’s no safety net in life either. Especially if youre an actual, you know, well except if you’re an actual tightrope walker, or trapeize artist.
Scod: We’ve all got dreams. You know, for some it’s Anna Kournakova, for others it might be Anna Kournakova, but for me? Yeah, it's Anna Kournakova.
Gatesy: Every now and again you get an opportunity to help out your fellow man. Well I reckon I know a few things about tennis players and how they think. My first girlfriend was vice captain for the Under 16’s B2’s at Sacred Heart. Let me tell you, it was love all. But it didn’t come easy, cause you know what boys?

Tightarse Tuesday ain't the way to impress a tennis star.
She only likes first class.
And if you take her to that souvlaki place on Brunswick Street,
Boy, your love will never last.

There’s something about hitting a ball,
That makes you expect it all.
People who jump over a net,
Are the hardest kind of people to get.
If you don’t splash out for Kournakova,
She won't get bowled over.

Tightarse Tuesday ain't the way to impress a tennis star.
She only likes first class.
And if you make her catch the train to see a footy game,
Boy, your love will never last.

Things are changing now there’s no iron curtain.
And Russian tennis stars just don’t go flirting,
With any badly dressed bogan,
With a haircut like Hulk Hogan.

Yon: Why do they keep the tennis balls in their undies? Why don’t they just have pockets?
Scod: Cause it ruins the line of the garment!
Yon: Right! Actually, you know what guys? I've got a bit of a story to tell. I did actually once go on a date with Anna Kournakova. And you know, I tried everything to impress her, you know. First I thought I'd impress her by wearing one of her sports bras. You know, cause I wanted to show I was interested in what she does. The thing is, all of my Jag skivvies covered it up, I couldn’t find anything to wear. So I went, yes, a mandigan. I wore a mandigan. I wore it all the way unbuttoned, all the way down, and I waxed my snail trail too.
Scod: Did it work?
Yon: Well actually...
Wearing a mandigan ain't the way to impress a tennis star,
You’d think it is,
But it isnt.

Apparently
Apparently,
They have the technolgy,
To fix the ozone hole.
All you have to do is close down every factory in the world,
And that, is too much of a sacrifice.

Apparently,
They have the technolgy,
To make a man or woman able to fly.
All you have to do is have your arms cut off and surgically replaced with wings,
And that is too much of a sacrifice.

Apparently,
They have the technolgy,
To track down every stolen mobile phone.
All you have to do is get the poilce to go round and arrest everyone with a stolen mobile phone,
And that is too much of a sacrifice.

Apparently,
They have the technolgy,
To fix the millenium bug.
All you have to do is sit on your arse and do fuck all,
And that is too much of a sacrifice.

I Will Be There
Candle dies on a bedside table,
I touch your cheek and you softly smile.
You turn to sleep, but I hold you tighter,
I wanna talk for a while.

At the end of the day when you’re left all alone,
I’ll be there.
When you’re all out of hope and you just can’t go on,
I’ll be there.
I’ll be right by your side,
In me you can confide.
I will take it in my stride,
There’s no need to hide,
Cause I will be there.

When the dishes stack up,
And the milk gets left out,
I’ll be there.
When the hi-fi’s too loud,
And you’re having to shout,
I’ll be there.
When the lights get left on,
And the Tim Tams are all gone,
And the bill for your phone is eight pages long,
I will be there.

When the chips are left on,
And the kitchen burns down,
I’ll be there (I will be there).
When your friends move away to a whole other town,
I’ll be there.
When your car has been rolled, and been dumped in Werribee,
And your Grandma is sold into white slavery.
And there's rubble and wreckage where your flat used to be,
And the wrong form gets signed and you wake up an amputee.
Yup! I will be there.
I will be there (You’re in my care),
I will be there ( I’ll brush your hair),
I will be there.

I Hate Your Family
I'm lighting a candle,
As I'm looking through my window,
To the town square.
The snow-covered streets are lonely and bare.
The town Christmas tree winks mockingly at me,
Cause I should be spending Christmas with you.

I wrapped my last gift and put the cellotape away,
Checked the answering machine.
And in the distance, a choir sings,
About the joy that Christmas brings.

But it's making me feel blue,
Cause I should be spending Christmas with you.
But it breaks my heart,
Cause that's the place I just can't be.
Cause I hate your family.

The day I met you,
I knew you could get me through.
When we're alone,
My world is complete,
You're all that I need.
But when your family call,
They shit me up the wall,
Spending time with them just makes my brain bleed.

And it's making me feel blue,
Cause I should be spending Christmas with you.
But I'd rather string my nuts up to a Christmas tree,
Cause I hate your family.

The night I first met them,
The dog was drunk!
And your father threatened me with a knife.
Your sister showed me her collection of eels,
And what she did then will stay with me for life.

And it's making me spew,
Cause I should be spending Christmas with you.
But I'd rather drink a tumbler full of walrus wee,
Cause I hate your family.

With your brother doing dick tricks at the table,
I can't believe your mum asked me to play spin the bottle.
I'd rather be enclosed in a box of killer bees,
I'd rather be attacked by giant chimpanzees,
I'd rather wear a suit designed by Jenny Kee.

Your mum is dumb,
And your dad is mad.
That's why I'm so sad.

Mucus
Mucus I love you,
Cause of all the useful things you do.
You're the fluid when I'm disillusioned,
You're who I turn to.
There is no secretion that is as versatile as you,
Mucus I love you, mucus I do.

Oh Mucus, how do I give thanks to you cause,
There’s no end to all the tasks that are done by mucus.
Disinfectant, insulation,
Mucus you trap foreign bodies.

You're a sealant, lubricant, and you're a glucose,
Venus flytraps they secrete, extra sticky mucus.
Also, as a mode of, transportation,
Mucus you're bacteria's best friend.

Mucus I love you,
Cause of all the useful things you do.
You're the fluid when I'm disillusioned,
You're who I go to.

Back when the earth was only young,
And we were in the ocean,
Life had just begun.
Primeval ooze, just another word for mucus,
You are my ancestor.
As well as what you do,
Mucus I evolved from you.

Mucus I love you, when I'm feeling blue,
You will get me through, ba da da da da da.

In movies, such as those made by George Lucas,
When the need to simulate realistic mucus.
Special experts need to be there,
Mucus you create employment.

Mucus I love you,
Cause of all the useful things you do (You know you do it!).
There is no secretion that is anywhere as pleasing,
That’s the reason, mucus I love you.

Harry Connick Jr/Houseboat/Carp
I'm the loneliest carp in the river.
No one wants to catch me,
Or eat me.
Spend all my time in the shallow mud and slime.
No other fish wants to meet me,
Cause I taste like shit.

Now suddenly one of them houseboats came along. I don't know what those boats look like above the water, but they sure don't look like houses from down here. I wet myself with fear, which isn't so dramatic when you live down here. A fish wetting itself is considered a good thing.

Now I saw a worm wiggling on a hook. My grandaddy saw a worm like that once, and yeah, well, we never saw him again. But I figured he must've liked it so much, why he went after it so fast, you'd think it was pulling him along! Well I figured I'd do the same thing and follow my dreams.

Well I got taken up to that houseboat, and you'll never guess who it was that caught me, I bet you'll never guess who it was that caught me
Who was it?
Well it was Harry Connick Jr
No shit!
Did that come as a surprise? I got so excited why I flopped about and my gils were pulsating so hard why it must've looked like I was dying. He didn't seem so happy to see me, he muttered something that sounded a little bit like fire truck or some such. Then he said:
I reckon I got some carp
He was about to throw me back in, when I popped up. The first thing I said was, are you sure you're Harry Connick Jr?
Mmm-hmmm.
You sound a little bit like Slingblade to me.
Yeah, some folk call it a razorblade, I call it a slingblade.
And I said, in a musical kind of showtuney way,

How can I be cool? And impress the rest of the school?
Before you throw me back,
Tell me Harry.
Just be yourself,
You don't need noone else.
So you've got no friends,
And you taste like shit,
Be proud of it.

Are you sure you're Harry Connick Jr?
Mmmm-hmmmm, I reckon.

Then he threw me back, and well I swam back to the murky depths, and I had a new lease on life.

If you want me,
Come and get me.
You don't stand a chance if you don't hook now.
I'm not waiting any longer,
You know that I'm playing to win this time.
If you take too long,
It will be too late.
If you don't act now,
I won't take your bait.
This time I'm displaying two fins.
Yeah now throw me a line,
This time I'm displaying two fins.