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David Schwimmer/Manpill/Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
What would David Schwimmer do?
She came over last night,
What would David Schwimmer do?
He's the ideal boy,
What would Dick Van Dyke do?
Meg Ryan/Russell Crowe
Now I'm mowing lawns on rideon lawnmower,
You built an empire out of romantic comedies.
Now I'm mowing lawns on rideon lawnmower,
What was it baby?
And I'm mowing lawns on rideon lawnmower,
Dirty Dancing/Brownlow Medal
Congratulations, Shane, mate. Well done!
He likes to win,
Oh he's a bit overcome with emotion there, it's a big night for the young fella. It's a rags to riches story, a rags to riches story, a fantastic story there for young Shane, rags to riches story.
I want to party,
Actually, I've got a few more people to thank, too.
It's the passion and the glory,
I've had the night of my life,
The Pond's Institute
Take me to that place now,
Take me to the Pond's Institute,
The Pond's Institute,
If you're in the market for a lotion,
Take me to the Pond's Institute,
The Pond's Institute,
Bugger Off
Well, bugger off.
Now you know,
Well, bugger off.
I've got washing to do,
Would You Mind Not Laughing At Me
Would you mind not lauging at me,
Would you mind not lauging at me,
Baby, I'm not joking.
Would you mind not lauging at me,
Ghost Ship
Waaaow!
It's masts are made of piled up skulls,
Out in the night,
Scod: I don't want to stop it or anything, but I'm going to go with a few of those chuckles and suggest that these punters have spotted the same inconsistency that I have. When exactly did this become about some woman?
Ghost ship!
Scod: Just a minute, I touched my baby on her ghost ship? What? Where exactly is a woman's 'ghost ship'?
Ghost ship!
Scod: I don't even know what this song is about anymore!
The woman's a sinner,
Ghost ship!
Oasis Medley
And all the catchy melodies are winding,
Scod: Fair go fellas, it is rock and roll.
Whatever you want,
So Sally can wait,
<< Insert the three guys singing three Oasis songs simultaneously >>
Second Drawer Down
Don't leave it sitting on the bench,
Second drawer down,
Stalk
You've stated in words very clear,
I will be in the vicinity no matter where you are,
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I met this girl,
She rocks my world.
And I'm not the kind of guy I thought that she'd like.
We went on a date,
I took my footy mates.
And when we rolled the hot dog stand,
She got offended.
Cause she's sensitive,
Oh so sensitive.
And I'm not sure it's going so well,
So I asked myself...
Because it's time like these,
What would David Schwimmer do?
He'd handle this with ease.
What would David Schwimmer do?
What would he do?
I got a fright.
She'd been reading the papers,
And she'd got an idea.
She asked me to take a pill,
And I'm not sure that I will.
This isn't at all the glad wrap net that I've been using.
Cause she's sensitive,
Oh so sensitive.
It got so serious that I even put my beer down,
And I asked myself...
Because it's time like these,
What would David Schwimmer do?
He'd handle this with ease.
What would David Schwimmer do?
What would he do?
The thinking woman's toy.
But I also think he's annoying,
He's not really much of a role model when it comes to it.
He's an automotive genius,
What would Dick Van Dyke do?
He can dance, sing and clean chimneys.
What would Dick Van Dyke do?
Cause he built Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
What would Dick Van Dyke do?
The first time I saw your face,
On the set of Inner Space.
Thought it would always be like this,
Just like Kurt and Goldie,
Or Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker,
A picture of Hollywood wedded bliss.
But it was not to be,
You left me for a dirty, stinking Aussie.
That skinheaded gladiating fool,
Ten thousand odd foot of tool.
While you ride on Russell Crowe-r.
Meg Ryan,
I'm crying over you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Sleepless In Seattle,
Or Courage Under Fire,
And When Harry Met Sally.
You got famous in that restaurant scene,
But I didn't see you coming, no no.
But tell me baby,
Where you faking it with me?
Meg, cause you ride on Russell Crowe-r.
Meg Ryan,
I'm crying over you.
Was it because he was in Virtuosity?
That shouldn't be a selling point,
You can take it from me,
Take it from me, yeah!
How is it baby,
When he gets you into bed?
From all reports,
He's the quick and the dead.
Cause you ride on Russell Crowe-r.
I'd like to bury him up to his head,
In the grass then make him dead.
Teach him a lesson he'll never forget,
I'm going to get him with a trident and a net.
Meg Ryan,
I'm crying over you.
Woewodin! Woewodin!
I got my neck shaved,
Especially for today.
And Koudefides,
Will be defeated, yeah!
Woewodin!
I got the Brownlow Medal!
Woewodin!
And if I don't thank my girlfriend,
Woewodin!
I'll be sleeping alone.
Least I didn't hire her from an agency,
Like the others.
Thanks Bruce, thanks a lot.
I've heard a rumour that you, in fact, model all your football techniques off Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing, is that true?
That is actually true, can I just explain that in song?
In all his movies.
And he never has surgery,
On his knees.
If I imagine the ball,
As Jennifer Gray,
And I'm taking the mark,
The mark of the day.
And Demi Moore is the goal,
The ball's the pottery.
If Patrick Swayze played footy,
He'd be outta my league.
Just a fool to believe I have anything he needs.
Ah Bruce, can you stop saying rags to riches?
Can I just say it one more time?
Sure.
Rags to riches.
But I drink cafe latte.
Cause you see,
The game's this Saturday,
And I can't play crappy.
I've had the night of my life,
Cause I've never played this way before.
Yes I swear, it's the truth,
For two years I was ignored.
It's a rags to riches story,
Shut up, Bruce.
It came down to me and Scotty West.
But I won,
It's the truth,
I'm the fairest and the best.
In the days before Krypton exploded, Marlon Brando was skinny and wars were outmoded. Superman was a babe, and so was his mother, and it seemed like a world unlike no other. But I know another place.
I have yearning.
Take me to that place now,
It's a school of higher learning.
But you don't do class or homework there,
Just watch them research skincare.
And it always gets mixed up with heaven,
Out of tennis scores at eleven.
Take me to that house of high repute.
Everything's light and clean and white,
And dark haired ladies smile with bright teeth.
Beakoning me through,
Sliding doors to a world that knows no flaws.
Lotions and ointments.
The Pond's Institute,
The Pond's Institute is where we'll go.
Or you need some cream or ointment,
They've got every potion.
Just call them up and state your needs,
The dark haired lady's there to please.
From sunblock to black-head removing,
All their products are always improving.
Take me to that house of high repute.
Everything's light and clean and white,
And dark haired ladies smile with bright teeth.
Beakoning me through,
Sliding doors to a world that knows no flaws.
Lotions and ointments.
The Pond's Institute,
The Pond's Institute is where we'll go.
This is fun,
Let's do this again next week.
I think we should,
Just had one,
Well they told me that this gear was really good.
Now I know we've been buddies,
For four hundred years.
Through good and through cruddy,
And part-time careers.
But recently I'm thinking,
Indecently I'm thinking.
I think you know what I'm thinking,
How's about it you and me?
Yeah? No.
I will love you til the end,
So bugger off.
Yes I know that we're good friends,
But bugger off.
No I'm not having a lend,
Just bugger off.
I am out so I'm taking my bat home now.
And you don't agree that we should do the do.
Probably right,
It would stuff us up as friends,
I think so too.
But then again, you never know,
If you don't give it a go.
If you spend your whole life choosing,
In the end it's you who's loosing.
And what if you succeed to find,
The perfect one you had in mind.
???
It's true just ask me.
I will love you til the end,
So bugger off.
Yes I know that we're good friends,
But bugger off.
No I'm not having a lend,
Just bugger off.
I am out so I'm taking my bat home now.
And programs to watch.
Bugger off.
Baby, you know I'll never forget you,
But we've got some things to discuss.
So you're gonna have to, you know,
Pull yourself together for a moment.
Cause, baby, we've had some good times,
And you know we've had some bad times, too.
But before I walk out that door,
I've just gotta ask you one more thing.
When I'm breaking up with you.
You're supposed to cry,
You're supposed to fall on your knees,
That's what I've read.
Baby, all I'm asking here,
Just focus for just a moment.
Just think of what you're missing,
I mean check out the choreography.
When I'm making love to you.
You're supposed to sigh,
You're supposed to call out my name,
That's what I've read.
Baby, just give me a chance,
I mean just look at my pants.
Have you ever seen anything quite so sexy in your life?
I'm getting upset,
I might try singing something that I'm clearly not capable of!
When I'm breaking up with you.
You're supposed to cry,
You're supposed to fall on your knees,
Break it down!
<< Insert rap sequence here >>
Peace!
Ghost Ship
See the lonely township,
Peacefully sleeping.
The sun hides once again behind the sea.
Most are safely dreaming,
Angel kisses, butterflies.
But sinners can't escape so easily.
The murderers, the thieves and the fraudulent,
The overweight, the working class and the foreigners.
They all must beware,
For what's that looming there.
An evil spectre,
On the sea.
Ghost ship!
Ghost ship!
Ghost ship, coming to get them.
Ghost ship, sinners beware.
Ghost ship, ain't no escaping.
The ghost ship coming there,
Toot toot!
Scod: What was that, Yon?
Yon: That was the ghost ship.
Scod: No, no, it's got to be really scary.
Yon: Toot toot!
Scod: No, really disturbing.
Yon: Um, oh... milky discharge.
It's decks are made of human nuts.
It's sails are made of sailor's skin,
It's guts are made of... guts.
It's a feat of engineering,
Yon: I wonder who built it?
Gatesy: I wonder who built it as well, Yonny.
Under the ocean stars.
I was standing with my baby,
On the boardwalk and the ghost ship was there.
I took her to the pictures,
And then I took her home.
And then I took her to heaven,
You know what I mean.
Gatesy: Well, I figured if our show, Tosswinkle The Pirate, was a concept album, then this song, Ghost Ship, would be the first single lifted off it, yeah? And I figure the guys love the evil ghost ship, scary, demonic woo-woo, bogeyman kind of stuff, but once you talk about love... now you have the ladies listening. Cause the ladies want to imagine they're making love to the singer. Yeah, I read it in Rolling Stone, go with me.
My baby kisses like a ghost ship,
Ghost ship!
I touched my baby on her ghost ship,
My trousers are busted.
Gatesy: Don't you know?
Yon: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think you've got something Gatesy. I think you're on the right track, but you're coming in a little fast. If you want to do this love thing, you've got to create a bit of a mood, you've gotta get inside the head of a female girl. Tell them what they want to hear, can I give you an example.
Expressing my feelings,
Ghost ship!
Being a good listener,
Ghost ship!
A thoughtful companion.
Gatesy: It's like foreplay.
Scod: No! It's not about foreplay, it's about a horrible spectral ship that comes and gets sinners.
Gatesy: What are they wearing?
Scod: No! Look focus, if there's a woman on it, it's because she's a sinner.
She's gotta be dragged away.
But not before I bone her on the boardwalk 'til the morning comes!
I bought a sentimental card,
With flowers and a pink design.
She'll be torn apart by demons,
While she's touching my buns.
Caring environment.
Ghost ship!
Den of the damned.
Ghost ship!
Overtly sexual.
Murderous,
Empathy,
Nude,
Banshees,
Thoughtful,
Arse!
Ghost ship!
All the people righty right now,
You know what I mean?
Yes, yes indeed, yeah, yeah.
All the people righty right now,
You know what I mean?
Yeah yeah.
Today is gonna be the day,
That we're going to throw it back at you.
We just noticed all the chords in your songs,
Are the same, did you?
I don't believe that anybody,
Could get away with this.
But you have,
Well you did, didn't ya?
Around the same progression,
And we're finding,
That you released three singles,
But you could've managed one.
Good luck to you.
You're free,
To do whatever you.
Whatever you choose and you'll sing the blues if you want.
Gatesy: He's right you know.
You're free,
To sing whatever you.
Whatever you like, if it's wrong or right.
Whatever you say,
I know it's alright.
Whatever you want,
Whatever you say,
I know it's alright.
You know it's too late if she's walking on by.
Your soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger,
I heard you say.
Second drawer down,
Second drawer down,
Everything fits in the second drawer down.
Short, blunt, long, skinny or round,
Everything fits in the second drawer down.
If you do it'll make an awful stench.
You're domestically unstable,
If you leave it on the table.
You're some hopeless bachelor,
If I can see your spatula.
You mustn't have a missus,
If I can see some scissors.
Lady's you know what to do,
Now us boys can do it too.
Second drawer down,
Everything fits in the second drawer down.
Short, blunt, long, skinny or round,
Everything fits in the second drawer down.
You say that there isn't a chance,
That we two will have a romance.
You just need a little more time,
But in the meantime,
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I just want to make sure you're okay,
And behaving while I am away,
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way,
And although I'll see you everyday,
You won't see me.
That you won't require me here.
So to your conditions I bow,
But for now,
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I just want to make sure you're okay,
And behaving while I am away,
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way,
And although I'll see you everyday,
You won't see me.
It's a good thing what with all of the nutcases out there.
So, is it okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way,
And although I'll see you everyday,
You won't see me,
Cause I'll be concealed in my car.
At the back of the bar.
In the restauarant behind the piano.
The man over there with the hair,
And the moustahce and wearing the glasses that, no offence, I wouldn't normally wear,
Because my eyesight is fine.
And with nightvision goggles I see even better,
They flatter you more than the closed-circuit video.
I just want to make sure you're okay,
And behaving while I am away,
Is it okay if I stalk you?