106: Caroline and the Folks

Written by Fred Barron & Marco Pennette
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing
Jonathan Silverman as Jonathan Eliot
Constance Towers as Barbara
Tom La Grua as Remo
John Mariano as Johnny
Lou Felder as Don
Jeff Garvin as Scott
Elisa Heinsohn as Stephanie

CAROLINE: [pointing] Look at them. They're such a cute couple!

ANNIE: He's so attentive to her needs. Look at the way his hand brushed her cheek.

CAROLINE: Now, why can't I meet someone sweet like that?

ANNIE: Don't worry, you will.

[the camera zooms out; two monkeys sitting on a branch come into view]

DEL: [on phone] Yeah, okay. Well, just tell her I'll call her when I get to the office. [he hangs up]

CAROLINE: Call who?

DEL: My mother. It seems her and my dad are coming into town tonight and they want us to meet them for dinner.

[Caroline lets go of the balloon and it deflates]

CAROLINE: Oh, dinner. Well, I already had dinner.

DEL: That was last night. Try again.

CAROLINE: Okay, I was going to clean the oven.

DEL: It's self cleaning.

CAROLINE: Well, I was going to keep it company. [she grins]

DEL: Caroline, you've cancelled four times. My mother thinks my imaginary friend is back. Come on, Caroline, she's not that bad.

CAROLINE: Del, this is the woman who tried to fix you up with someone else on your wedding day.

DEL: Mom just realised that first marriage was a mistake before I did.

CAROLINE: She ran over your second wife.

DEL: Helen was wearing grey, it was dark...

CAROLINE: Del, you have to admit, she's very intimidating.

DEL: I know. But hey, I'll be right there by your side. And look at it this way - if you survive, you might get a great comic strip out of it.

CAROLINE: Ah-ha! So you admit it, there's a chance I might not survive. [she hears the door being opened] Oh, wait wait... [she puts a party hat on; Richard enters] [sings] Happy birthday to you... [Richard exits] Richard, you can come back in. I promise not to sing.

[Richard enters again]

RICHARD: That was singing? Ugh, I thought somebody was gelding a small animal.

CAROLINE: He's thirty. He's not getting older, he's just getting bitter.

RICHARD: So, how did you find out it was my birthday?

CAROLINE: It was on your job application.

RICHARD: And I thought that little piece of paper had already done its damage.

DEL: So, thirty, huh Richard? Oh man, I remember my thirtieth. A bunch of us went to Vegas, we got this suite. This buddy of mine got these two women with these huge... [Richard and Caroline look at him] I guess I should stop this story right now! Okay, I got to get out of here. So look, I'll see you tonight at eight.

CAROLINE: Oh darn, Del, I almost forgot. I have plans to take Richard out for a birthday drink.

RICHARD: No you don't.

CAROLINE: They're surprise plans.

RICHARD: Well surprise, I can't go. I have a big party.

DEL: You're out of excuses.

CAROLINE: Okay, fine, I'll go. I'll meet your mother, she'll love me.

[Del kisses her]

DEL: You are the best. And hey, it might even be fun. [Caroline looks pained] Okay, so fun's a bit much, but it doesn't have to be the worst time of your life.

CAROLINE: Isn't that the slogan for EuroDisney?

DEL: I'll see you at eight. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Okay Richard, let's get to work. [she looks at the balloons on the desk] I'm sorry, are those balloons in your way?

[Richard pops them with a pencil]

RICHARD: Not any more.

CAROLINE: I'm going to let that go, 'cause you're the birthday boy. Now, I couldn't decide whether I should buy you something like a sweater, or get you a cheque. [she picks up a box] But I decided cheques are just so impersonal, so happy birthday, Richard. [she gives it to him]

RICHARD: [opening it] Great, just what I needed, every year, another... [he takes out cheque] A cheque?

CAROLINE: I decided impersonal was more you.

RICHARD: Hey hey hey hey hey hey! That's my sandwich. [he takes it off her] Oh great, it's dead to me now. Hey, hey! You want the rest? [he throws it out the window] Fly. Fly, be free!

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey. What, Caroline's not here?

RICHARD: No, so if you have an urge to share your boring personal life, I suggest you call talk radio.

[Annie takes a bottle out of the fridge and notices the banner saying 'Happy birthday, Richard' beside the desk]

ANNIE: Oh Richard, it's your birthday?

RICHARD: Oh, no no no, it's Richard Gere's birthday. Hey, you know what? Stick around, we're going to have some cake and make fun of Cindy Crawford.

ANNIE: Very cranky. I'm guessing...thirty?

RICHARD: That's it, thirty.

ANNIE: Ooh, the big three-O. So how's it feel?

RICHARD: You know, actually it's a relief. I mean, there's no point to your twenties. Nobody takes you seriously, and if you're not a big drinker it's just a wasted decade.

ANNIE: I'll drink to that. [she drinks out of the bottle] So where is Caroline, anyway?

RICHARD: Oh, I don't know. She finished her strip and she left, muttering something about buying a dress, throwing herself in front of a bus, yada yada yada...

ANNIE: So she's pretty nervous about meeting Del's mom, huh?

RICHARD: You tell me. [he shows her a cartoon of Caroline lying on the table with an apple in her mouth and Del's mother standing beside her with a knife and fork]

ANNIE: [reads] 'It's so good to have Del's girlfriend for dinner'. Ooh, she is nervous.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: [holding up a sandwich] Hey Richard, if you didn't like the birthday lunch I made you, you could just say no.

ANNIE: So show the dress, show the dress...

CAROLINE: I went to eight different stores, and there it was - back at the first one. Okay, so what do you think? [she takes the dress out of the bag and holds it up] Tell the truth. Tell the truth.

ANNIE: Ooh, very meet-the-mom.

RICHARD: Yeah, yeah. Though you might want to check and see if you have a necklace that goes with that security tag.

CAROLINE: Oh, no! [she tries to pull the tag off]

ANNIE: Hang on. [she exits]

RICHARD: You know, you make a decent living. You don't have to shoplift.

CAROLINE: Stop, Richard! I paid for it, they just forgot to take it off. This is an omen. I do not want to meet this woman. What am I going to do?

[Richard gets a razor blade out of the pencil jar]

RICHARD: Here, here. Here's a razor blade, will that help?

CAROLINE: [holding out her wrists] Yes.

RICHARD: I don't know why you're so worried about meeting Del's mother. I mean, he's the first born, he's the only male, and he's paying alimony to two ex-wives. She's going to hate you regardless.

[Annie enters with a security tag remover]

CAROLINE: You know, in a weird way that sort of takes the pressure off. [Annie removes the tag] Annie, do I want to know-

ANNIE: Nooope. Here you go. Thank you for coming, please have a nice day.

CAROLINE: You know, Richard, it's ten to five. Why don't you go home, it's your birthday.

ANNIE: [to Richard] You got plans tonight?

CAROLINE: He's got a big party.

ANNIE: He's...got a party?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I'm as surprised as you are.

RICHARD: Excuse me, but what do you people think I do on my birthday?

CAROLINE: I don't know, I just assumed you curled up with a handful of dirt from your homeland and waited 'til dawn.

RICHARD: Nope, that's New Years.

CAROLINE: Hey Richard, have a good night.

ANNIE: So, big party, huh? Huh?

RICHARD: [putting on his coat] Yep.

ANNIE: What is it, like, a bunch of people sitting around dressed in black, talking about which anti-depressant works best? Or in your case, doesn't.

RICHARD: You know, Annie, I'm sorry if my idea of a party doesn't start with tequila shooters and end with thumbing through somebody's wallet the next morning trying to figure out their name.

ANNIE: Lighten up, Richie. I'm just trying to have a little fun with you. You go out there tonight and have the best birthday of you life, huh?

RICHARD: Thank you, I will. [he exits with the security tag on the back of his coat; Annie grins]

CAROLINE: Annie.

ANNIE: Well, now we just have to figure out a way to get him to walk into Bloomingdale's.

CHARLIE: Del! Del! Del! I finally found you! I had to run twelve blocks and push my way through eight cars.

DEL: Charlie, what's wrong? Is there a problem at the office?

CHARLIE: Yeah! My talents aren't being recognised!

DEL: Oh Charlie, now is not the time.

CHARLIE: Look look, I've got these really cool greeting card ideas I want you to listen to.

DEL: Charlie, can't this wait 'til tomorrow?

CHARLIE: No no no, I've got to get these ideas out now, so I can make room for the new ones. Okay, cool. Birthday cards for pets, 'cause, you know, they are born and stuff. Alright, uh... [he reads off a notepad] 'Happy birthday little pooch, you're such a loyal mutt, but please don't give my face a smooch, 'cause you lick your butt.'

CHANDLER: Oh, "The Piano"! This is my lucky day, they never have this in.

ANNIE: You like that movie?

CHANDLER: Oh, I love it! Oh, yes. Oh no, I know what you're thinking, I mean, most guys are in to that kind of shoot 'em up, T&A, gratuitous nudity and filth, but I find that kind of stuff degrading. To uh...well, to the human spirit.

ANNIE: Really?

CHANDLER: Oh, yes. Yes, I mean, give me Holly Hunter's silent emotional struggles any day. So, what are you renting? [she hands him a video] [reads] "Sorority House Massacre 2". So I could have uh, pretty much just been myself.

ANNIE: So be yourself.

CHANDLER: Okay. [he stands there awkwardly for a while and then exits; Annie notices Richard looking at videos on the other side of the room and waits for him to walk over]

ANNIE: Well, well, well, if it isn't Vincent van Dull.

RICHARD: Annie! What are you doing here?

ANNIE: I'm getting a hip replaced, what do you think I'm doing here? I thought you had a big party tonight.

RICHARD: Uh, I do. Yeah, every year on my birthday, my friends come over and we watch a movie.

[Annie takes the video he is holding]

ANNIE: [reads] "The Passion of Anna". Ooh, porn?

RICHARD: Hardly! Come on, it's Bergman's masterpiece. It's about this crippled woman who struggles to find meaning in her life after the death of her children, but fails.

ANNIE: [bored] Well, happy birthday to you.

[they walk over to the counter]

SCOTT: [to a fat man at the counter] "Buns of Steel", "Abs of Steel", "Quads of Steel". What, do you like watch these and eat bacon? [the man exits. Richard walks up to the counter; Scott scans his card and looks at the computer] Oh hey, look at that! It's your birthday today.

RICHARD: Oh yeah? Yeah, I almost forgot.

SCOTT: Ouch. Thirty?

RICHARD: Look, if you don't mind, I'm kind of in a hurry.

SCOTT: So do you like remember eight-tracks and stuff?

RICHARD: Why don't you just put that in a bag so I can just-

SCOTT: Hey, hey! Be nice. On your birthday you rent one, you get one free.

ANNIE: And this is the free one. [she puts her video on the counter]

RICHARD: A phrase I'm sure she's said countless times before.

ANNIE: [from inside] "The Passion of Anna"?! Oh, yuck! [she exits]

CAROLINE: Hey, Remo.

REMO: Buona sera, Carolina. Oh, how beautiful you look! Except for that big vein bulging on your forehead.

CAROLINE: I'm going to meet Del and his parents for dinner tonight.

[cut to a table where Barbara and Don are sitting]

BARBARA: [to a woman looking after a crying baby] Excuse me! Would it have killed you to hire a baby-sitter?

[cut back to Caroline and Remo]

CAROLINE: I see she's even more nurturing than Del described her.

REMO: I put them at the VIP table.

CAROLINE: The VIP table?

JOHNNY: Very irritating pains in the butt.

REMO: [to Johnny] Who asked you?

JOHNNY: What? You're the boss, you're the one who gets to make a joke?

[they argue in Italian; Johnny exits]

CAROLINE: So, is Del in the men's room?

REMO: Signor Del has not yet arrived.

CAROLINE: No. No, tell me you're kidding. Oh my god, I had a dream about this. Only in my dream, I was stark naked and Del's mother had this big lizard head and all these snakes for hair.

REMO: Well, at least you're not naked.

CAROLINE: You know, I don't need this. What am I going to do, Remo?

REMO: Perhaps you'd like to hide in the kitchen until Signor Del arrives.

CAROLINE: No no no, I'm an adult. If I can make small talk with my gynaecologist during an exam, I can do this.

REMO: Okay, let's toss this lobster into the pot and see if she screams.

[they start walking over to the table]

BARBARA: [to Johnny] I said gin! If you can't read a bottle, I suggest you find somebody who can.

[Caroline turns around]

CAROLINE: Kitchen?

REMO: Okay.

CHARLIE: [reads] 'Of all the pets I've ever had, you are the very best. Carry this thought with you as you scurry to your nest...'

DEL: Charlie, cockroaches are not pets.

CHARLIE: They are if you name 'em.

DEL: Look Charlie, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not having a good day, okay? My parents are in town, the printers are on strike, Caroline's freaked out, did I mention my parents are in town?

CHARLIE: Yeah. Boy, it kind of makes you wonder what else could go wrong, huh? [the lights flicker on and off and the train stops abruptly] Wow, I hope I didn't do that with my mind...

RICHARD: Who is it?

ANNIE: [from outside] It's Annie.

RICHARD: What do you want?

ANNIE: We grabbed the wrong tapes at the store.

RICHARD: We did?

ANNIE: Yeah.

RICHARD: Oh, great. Alright, alright, hold on, hold on.

ANNIE: Well, hurry up, will you? There's a junkie passed out in the stairwell.

[Richard opens the door on the chain]

RICHARD: That's the Super. Here. [they switch tapes; Richard tries to close the door but Annie sticks her head in the way] Hey!

ANNIE: So where's the party?

RICHARD: Uh, it got postponed.

ANNIE: Why?

RICHARD: Because of the fire.

ANNIE: Fire? [she sniffs] What fire?

RICHARD: What difference does it make? It's out now. [he tries to shut the door on her head]

ANNIE: Ow! Richard, that's my cranium. Look, the last thing I want to do is butt in.

RICHARD: Good. Goodnight...

ANNIE: But listen, there's nothing to be ashamed of about being alone. We're in the same boat. To be honest, Richard, I had a date tonight and I got stood up.

RICHARD: Really?

ANNIE: Yeah.

RICHARD: Back up, back up. [he takes the chain off; Annie enters] Well, as long as you're being honest, there really isn't a party.

ANNIE: Well that's pathetic, 'cause I was lying. I mean, you think a date would dump me?

RICHARD: You know, thanks so much for the birthday cheer, and now goodnight!

ANNIE: Oh Richie, don't let a little bad birthday get you down. We all have bad birthdays. [she sits down] I mean, I remember when I turned fourteen, I'd just got breasts-

RICHARD: Excuse me, excuse me, but did I say please sit down?

ANNIE: Excuse me, I am in the middle of a story! Where was I?

RICHARD: As usual, your breasts.

ANNIE: Right.

CAROLINE: Wow, that must take you a long time.

JOHNNY: Ah Carolina, that's the secret. When you're dealing with home-made angel hair, you got to be very delicate. Place one strand of pasta in the water one at a time.

[Barbara enters]

BARBARA: Excuse me.

[Johnny dumps all the pasta into the pot]

JOHNNY: Okay, I'm outta here. [he exits]

BARBARA: Hello? I have been trying to get a waiter out there for five minutes. I need club soda before this stain sets. Does anyone in here speak English? [to Caroline] You, hostess. You've got to speak English.

[Caroline starts tossing a salad]

CAROLINE: No ingles, no ingles...

BARBARA: Foreigners. [Caroline picks up the salad and walks towards the door] I'll bet you'd understand the word 'tip'! [Remo opens the door from the other side and knocks Caroline; she throws the salad all over Barbara] Oh! God, you idiot! [she exits]

REMO: Well, it's tossed!

ANNIE: Okay, it's my seventh birthday, my mom hires this clown Beetle Bum to come to my party. He shows up drunk, he tries to feel up my cousin, my brother punches him out, he bleeds all over the cake, and all my Aunt Camille can say is 'We'll just cut around that part'.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait. You think that was a bad birthday? Oh please! Oh, okay okay, it's my twelfth birthday, my parents forget entirely.

ANNIE: You used that for your eighth birthday.

RICHARD: Let's just say it was a theme. Oh my god, I can't believe I actually miss those days.

ANNIE: Why?

RICHARD: I don't know, thirty was still such a long way off.

ANNIE: I don't get it. You told me you were okay about turning thirty.

RICHARD: Yeah well, I also told you I had a big party...

ANNIE: Ummph...

RICHARD: It's just that...I always had this goal that by the time I was thirty I was going to have one of my paintings on the wall of a museum.

ANNIE: Richard, you can't set your standards so high and then beat yourself up. I mean...you don't see me crying because I'm not Mrs Robby Benson.

RICHARD: Thanks for the company, but I think I'd better just get to bed and try to sleep off whatever's left of this miserable night.

ANNIE: [with a mischievous grin] No wait, Richard, it's your birthday. There's still one more thing we have to do.

RICHARD: I'm not that drunk.

ANNIE: I'd have to be passed out. Just get your coat.

CHARLIE: [to the woman] How 'bout this, huh? We're stuck on the same subway car, I'm a man, you're a woman...I'm speaking English, you're reading a Czechoslovakian newspaper. [he yawns and casually puts his hand on her knee; she hits him in the face with the newspaper and exits] I guess she doesn't speak the international language of love.

DEL: Smooth, Charlie. [he looks at his watch] Oh man, eight fifteen. I can't believe this.

CHARLIE: [looking at his watch] I think you're a little slow, I've got eight twenty-two.

DEL: Caroline's going to kill me. What am I going to do?

CHARLIE: I'll bet you someone just threw themselves under the train. Bzz-zz-aah!

DEL: Hey, what about a dozen roses?

CHARLIE: That's sweet, but I'd rather have a raise. [he puts his hand on Del's knee; Del gives him a look] You're going to hit me now, aren't you?

RICHARD: The Museum of Modern Art. I cannot believe we're doing this.

ANNIE: Yeah well, in the event a cop comes along, Picasso, technically you're doing it. Unless he's cute, then I'll handle it.

RICHARD: There, done. What do you think?

ANNIE: It's...it's...

RICHARD: Bold?

ANNIE: Bold, good, yeah, that's good. You did it, Richie. You got an original Karinsky on the wall of a museum by the time you're thirty.

RICHARD: Yeah, it'll probably just wash away by the morning.

ANNIE: And the wine'll wear off, and we won't be friends anymore.

RICHARD: Behind every cloud...

ANNIE: Happy birthday, Tight-ass.

RICHARD: Thanks, a lot, Tart. [he walks away] Hey, come on!

BARBARA: [sitting at her table] Waiter...

[cut to the other side of the room]

REMO: You go over.

JOHNNY: You go over.

REMO: You go over.

JOHNNY: You go over.

REMO: You go over.

JOHNNY: You go over! [they argue in Italian; Johnny snaps his fingers and suggests rock-paper-scissors]

REMO: Si!

BOTH: Uno, due, tre!

REMO: Ha-ha, you lose!

[Johnny walks over to Barbara's table]

JOHNNY: So, how's everything over here?

BARBARA: Actually-

JOHNNY: So good to hear! [he walks away]

CAROLINE: [from the kitchen] Psst. Psst!

REMO: He's not here. Maybe he's lying in an alley somewhere.

[Caroline enters]

CAROLINE: If he's lucky. I got to go over there.

BARBARA: [pointing at Caroline] There she is. That clumsy salad girl from the kitchen. Don't look!

DON: Well then why point her out?

CAROLINE: I can do this. [she walks over to the table] Hi. Look, listen-

BARBARA: Don't tell me. You've come to dust me with cracked pepper.

CAROLINE: No, no, I have to apologise for the way we met. Surprise, I speak English. Surprise number two, I'm Caroline Duffy. [she tries to sit down]

BARBARA: Don't even think of it.

CAROLINE: Wow! Look, I am trying to apologise. But can you just accept it graciously? No, you just sit there and judge, judge, judge! Well, you may have sabotaged the first wife and run over the second wife, but you're not going to intimate me. And at the risk of ruining any future relationship we might have, I have to tell you that you are a pretentious, arrogant, small minded...I can't say it.

JOHNNY: [over Caroline's shoulder] Bitch.

CAROLINE: But he can! So if you ever want to see this smiling face around your Sunday dinner table, you just better change your attitude!

[Del enters]

DEL: Oh, Cair honey, I am so sorry.

CAROLINE: I am sorry, because I cannot eat with these people.

DEL: That's okay, we're going to have dinner with my parents over there. [he walks over to another table]

[pause]

CAROLINE: Well, I guess this gives the two of you a little something to talk about on the ride home. Enjoy your dinner. [she walks away; Johnny and Stephanie enter]

STEPHANIE: Johnny, this is going to be so much fun. My parents are going to love you.

JOHNNY: Oh, I haven't met parents yet that haven't loved me.

[Stephanie walks over to Barbara and Don's table]

CAROLINE: [to Johnny] Girlfriend's parents?

JOHNNY: Uh, yeah. Take a look. Piece of cake.

CAROLINE: Can I give you a word of advice?

JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah.

CAROLINE: Run!

JOHNNY: [confused] Thank you.

DEL: So, what'd you think of mom?

CAROLINE: It went better than I thought. It was nice of her to give me the name of a good plastic surgeon.

ANNIE: [looking at her arm] Do you think she's right, do you think this is a melanoma?

RICHARD: I liked her story of the guy that turned thirty and dropped dead of an aneurysm.

REMO: But who can say how much cologne is too much cologne?

JOHNNY: I've tried to tell you that for years, but you never listen!