107: Caroline and the Opera

Teleplay by Marco Pennette & Fred Barron & Dottie Dartland
Story by Carol Gray
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Jean Stapleton as Mary Kosky
Peter Krause as Peter Welmerling
Tom La Grua as Remo
Lauren Graham as Shelly

CAROLINE: And now for my next trick, I'm going to make my boyfriend Del disappear! And I say the magic word - opera!

[Del freaks and runs away; Caroline bows]

ANNIE: Okay, where do you want your aunt's bags, and please do not say upstairs.

CAROLINE: This'll be fine.

[they put the bags down; Caroline takes off her coat to reveal an ugly multicoloured knitted vest underneath]

ANNIE: Ooh-hoo-hoo! Very nice vest! Boy, I know one sheep that went through the cold winter needlessly.

CAROLINE: Aunt Mary knitted it for me. I wanted her to see me in it.

ANNIE: [whispers] It's so ugly!

CAROLINE: I know, but she's my favourite aunt and it'll make her happy.

ANNIE: Well, all I can say is, I am so glad my aunts are crippled with arthritis.

[Del enters, carrying a bag]

DEL: What died in your Aunt Mary's luggage?

CAROLINE: She probably brought cheese again.

[Mary and Richard enter; Richard is carrying a bag]

MARY: Good old Wisconsin cheddar. I know how you like your cheddar. [to Richard] Be careful with that, it's got crackers.

CAROLINE: You know, Aunt Mary, since the railroads we can get foodstuffs in New York.

MARY: Don't sass your Auntie. Oh, Richard, thank you so much. [she gives him a coin] This is for you.

CAROLINE: You know, you don't have to tip Richard.

RICHARD: Don't sass your Auntie.

CAROLINE: [pointing out the vest] So, recognise this?

MARY: Reminds me of a blanket my cocker-spaniel sleeps on.

CAROLINE: Well, you knitted it for me.

MARY: Oh, I never made you that. It's ugly! Looks like your Aunt Edna's handiwork.

CAROLINE: Thank god. I don't even like Aunt Edna.

MARY: [looking at the vest] Well, apparently she's not too crazy about you either. Well, Richard, now let me get this straight - our Caroline draws her little cartoons and you colour them in?

RICHARD: Yes.

MARY: You get paid for that?

RICHARD: So, Mrs Kosky, that cruise you're taking actually goes right through the Bermuda Triangle?

MARY: Oh, ho, ho, ho. This one's full of piss and vinegar.

DEL: I don't know about vinegar. [they all look at him] Wow! Look at the time. Must be a meeting somewhere I'm late for.

CAROLINE: Don't forget, opera Friday night.

DEL: Don't forget, don't want to go.

MARY: Get over here and give me a hug, Delbert!

RICHARD: Delbert?

[Mary and Del hug; she starts going through his pockets]

DEL: What are you doing?

MARY: I'm just looking for an engagement ring.

CAROLINE: Aunt Mary.

MARY: Well, I promised your mother. I mean, you're the only unmarried cousin left and all the rest of them already have babies. At this rate, you'd have to have two a year to match that...

DEL: Wow! Look at that, now I'm really late! [he exits]

MARY: Caroline, remember Mrs Baker?

CAROLINE: Oh, yeah.

MARY: Well, she tells me every morning how much she loves your comic strip.

CAROLINE: Aww.

MARY: She still has the booby cow you drew her.

RICHARD: Booby cow?

ANNIE: No kidding!

MARY: Oh yes, when Caroline was ten years old, she wanted boobies so bad she drew them everywhere.

CAROLINE: [embarrassed] Well, enough about me. How's Uncle Bim?

MARY: Honey, you really don't call your mother. Your uncle and I have been separated for weeks!

CAROLINE: What? You and Uncle Bim separated? You've been married like, forever!

MARY: Well, honey, to be honest, the marriage wasn't working for some time. And this whole trouble of splitting up, I figured at our age it'd be easier to wait for one of us to die, but with this fat-free here and fat-free there, and the damn treadmill he brought home, we weren't going anywhere.

ANNIE: Wow, I didn't know people in the midwest got divorced.

MARY: Oh yes, we get divorced. We don't get Woody Allen movies, but we get divorced.

CAROLINE: So, are you guys still friends?

MARY: Oh, we were always friends. We just hadn't had sex for the last eight years of our marriage.

RICHARD: [getting up from the desk] Well, will you look at that - girl talk and me without a uterus. Very charming to meet you, Mrs Kosky.

MARY: Very nice to meet you, Richard.

[Richard exits]

ANNIE: Boy, there's a phrase you don't hear too often.

MARY: So, these are the men you moved to New York to meet.

CAROLINE: I didn't move to New York to meet men, I moved to New York to get away from my fam...these are the men.

MARY: You know who else moved to New York?

CAROLINE: Who?

MARY: Peter Welmerling.

CAROLINE: From junior high? Ugh...

MARY: I thought I'd give Peter your phone number. Maybe you could show him around the city.

CAROLINE: I know what you're trying to do, but I have a boyfriend.

MARY: Oh, the one without a ring.

ANNIE: Ooh, direct hit.

CAROLINE: Just promise me you won't give him my number.

MARY: Fine, Caroline. I just hope before I die...

CAROLINE: Aunt Mary, don't.

MARY: It was worth a shot. Oh, honey, Caroline, I just want you to find true love.

CAROLINE: Isn't it enough I found this great loft? I'm fine. Now, you're only here for one day, so I thought I'd take the afternoon off and we'll go to the Russian Tea Room for lunch and then we'll go see a matinee of "Beauty and the Beast".

MARY: Oh, let's not go to a show. Let's go some place where they have single men.

CAROLINE: I told you, I already have a boyfriend.

MARY: And I told you it's been eight years!

CAROLINE: I just don't understand how Aunt Mary's going to be happy on a cruise ship. I mean, seven days where they stuff you full of food and shove you into a dark little cabin? Man, I'd feel like veal.

DEL: At least she'll have cheese and crackers to go with herself.

CAROLINE: So Richard, any messages?

RICHARD: Yeah. Your agent called, he said to call him back. The breather called, he said [he breathes heavily], and some guy, some guy named Peter Welmerling called.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, I can't believe she gave him my number!

DEL: Who's Peter Welmerling?

CAROLINE: Oh, a kid I knew back in Peshtigo. Braces, chess club. Oh, he threw a foetal pig at me in seventh grade.

RICHARD: Nothing like tossing around the old pig skin, huh?

CAROLINE: Now I'm going to have to do the polite thing and show him around New York. Hey, why don't we take him to the Statue of Liberty or the Bronx Zoo or something on Saturday?

DEL: Hey, even better, why don't take him out Friday night?

CAROLINE: We have the opera on Friday night.

DEL: Subtlety's lost on you, isn't it?

CAROLINE: You know, going to one little opera is not going to kill you.

DEL: Actually it could - it happened. I read about it in the Guy's Newsletter.

RICHARD: How could anyone not like the opera? Opera is transcendent, it is the most intense musical experience a person can have.

CAROLINE: Plus you get to wear those neat, long gloves!

RICHARD: I'm certain that's what Mozart had in mind when he wrote "The Marriage of Figaro". 'Oh goodie, now women can accessorise!'

CAROLINE: You know, I might not be the biggest opera buff in the world, but I think it's fun to go. Del, come on. I go to the hockey games with you.

DEL: 'Cause you're the one who likes hockey!

CAROLINE: Oh, then that wouldn't be a good example, would it? Look, all I'm trying to say is, can't you just make an effort to try something new?

DEL: Hey, I try new things all the time.

RICHARD: If this turns in to the boxers versus briefs discussion again, I'm leaving.

CAROLINE: Richard, do you want to go to the opera with me?

RICHARD: Yes, I would love to. I haven't been to the Met in years, but unfortunately, Shelly has plans for, ugh, my life.

CAROLINE: What's she got you doing this time?

RICHARD: She's taken up acupuncture. She thinks I can be in better spiritual balance. Apparently I have an angry yang.

DEL: You're telling me.

[the phone rings; Caroline answers it]

CAROLINE: [on phone] Hello? ... Well, [she breathes heavily] to you too, pervert! ... Oh, Peter! Gosh, I'm so sorry! Still have that asthma, huh? ... Yeah well, sure, I'd love to get together.

DEL: Opera, ask him to the opera.

CAROLINE: Let me ask you something, do you like the opera? ... Oh, you do!

DEL: [overjoyed] Yes, he does!

CAROLINE: Well listen, I've got two tickets for Friday, so um ... I can't hear you. Are you on a car phone? Call me back! [she hangs up]

RICHARD: Well, congratulations, Del. I believe the governor just gave you a pardon.

[the phone rings again; Caroline answers it]

CAROLINE: [on phone] Oh hi, yeah, this is much better ... Oh, I thought a short black dress and some heels ... Right now? Peter, why do you want to know what I'm wearing right now? ... Oh. [she hangs up] That wasn't Peter.

ANNIE: Okay, who would you rather sleep with: Ross Perot, or one of those flying devil monkeys from "The Wizard of Oz"?

CAROLINE: Boy monkey or girl monkey?

[Annie finishes doing Caroline's hair]

ANNIE: There, perfect. So, Del's really okay with you going out with this Peter guy, huh?

CAROLINE: It was his idea.

ANNIE: Yeah, but what if you see each other and it's like junior high all over again?

CAROLINE: What, he's going to tie me to a flagpole and rub gum in my hair?

[Del enters]

DEL: Wow! Look at you!

CAROLINE: What are you doing here, honey?

DEL: Oh, I thought I'd drop by these contracts for you to sign for the Mother's Day cards.

CAROLINE: Why didn't you just send a messenger?

DEL: Messengers. Why make them run around all day?

CAROLINE: [looking at the contracts] Well, these look fine.

DEL: You're just going to sign them? You don't read contracts? They could be ripping you off.

CAROLINE: Del, 'they' is you. It's your company.

DEL: Yeah well, I...could be ripping you off.

[intercom buzzes]

ANNIE: Del, think, then speak.

CAROLINE: [into intercom] Who is it?

PETER: [on intercom] Hi Caroline, it's Peter.

CAROLINE: Come on up. [to the others] Well, it's been thirteen years. I hope he recognises me without my Dorothy Hamil do.

DEL: Oh, is tonight that "Marriage of Figaro" thing?

CAROLINE: Yeah, that's why you made up that contract thing.

DEL: These really needed to be signed.

ANNIE: On a Friday night?

DEL: The contracts don't know it's Friday night.

ANNIE: Oh! Come on, Del, admit it. You're jealous.

DEL: Oh, me of foetal pig boy? Please!

[Peter enters]

PETER: Hello?

CAROLINE: Peter?

PETER: Caroline?

CAROLINE: Wow! You look wow!

PETER: Well, you look pretty wow yourself. What's different? I can't put my finger on it.

ANNIE: [pointing to Caroline's bust] Oh, she finally got boobies.

DEL: And let's just try to keep our fingers off 'em.

CAROLINE: Peter, this is my best friend Annie.

PETER: Hi.

ANNIE: It's very nice to meet you.

CAROLINE: And my boyfriend, Del.

PETER: Hi. [Del gets up and groans] Is something wrong?

DEL: No, it's just my back. Well, it's what I get for trying to set a new bench press record at the gym.

PETER: Oh yeah? You want me to take a look at it? I'm an orthopaedic surgeon.

ANNIE: I think we have a winner.

DEL: No, I'm okay. Thanks anyway.

CAROLINE: Curtain's in a half and hour, so shall we?

PETER: Yeah.

CAROLINE: I don't know why I'm saying 'shall', I guess I'm just dressed up for the opera and it just seemed right.

PETER: Hey Del, you want to join us for a drink afterwards? It's the least I can do after stealing your beautiful girlfriend away for a night.

DEL: Hey, you haven't seen her in the morning. [Caroline gives him a look] She is even more radiant, if you can believe that.

ANNIE: Del, creek, no paddle.

CAROLINE: If you change you mind, we'll be at Remo's. [she and Del kiss]

DEL: No no, you guys go have fun. Talk about the old days.

ANNIE: Screw the old days. Talk about me.

CAROLINE: Bye.

[they exit]

ANNIE: Well, I've got to hand it to you. Despite a few dicey moments, you seemed pretty self-confident.

DEL: Oh, come on. I'm not worried about this guy.

ANNIE: Really?

DEL: Why, do you think I should be?

ANNIE: Well, if it was me, and my girlfriend just went to the opera with a rich, great-looking doctor, I'd be jealous. I'd also be a lesbian, but I'd be jealous.

SHELLEY: Richard, come out of there.

RICHARD: Put the needles away.

SHELLEY: It won't hurt!

RICHARD: Put the needles away!

SHELLEY: Well, if I don't practice I'll never get my acupuncture certificate. Look, I know it's a little scary, but it'll help break through your trust issues, and it just might help clear up those sinuses.

RICHARD: Shelly, for the last time, no!

[knock at door]

SHELLEY: You don't have to knock, Richard. Just come on out. [another knock] Oh! [she opens the door; it's Del] Hey, Del.

RICHARD: Oh, hey Shelly. Is Richard around?

SHELLEY: He's hiding in the closet...baby.

[Richard opens the closet door]

RICHARD: Del?

DEL: What are you doing in there?

RICHARD: Trying to preserve the integrity of my epidural layer.

DEL: Who talks like that?

SHELLEY: I know!

RICHARD: Del, what are you doing here?

DEL: Richard, I never thought I'd say this, but I need you.

[Richard closes the closet door again]

CAROLINE: So, have you ever seen "Figaro" before?

PETER: Well actually, I've conducted it. We had a little performing society in medical school.

CAROLINE: I'm really looking forward to seeing it. [a lady with really big hair sits in front of her] I'm really looking forward to uh, hearing it.

DEL: Hey, look. I'm going to meet Caroline and this Peter guy in an hour and I don't have time to go to medical school, so I thought if I learned a little something about opera I wouldn't seem completely stupid.

RICHARD: Ah, so you're jealous of this guy.

DEL: No! I just don't like the idea of some good-looking guy out with my girlfriend.

RICHARD: I know somebody who's getting a dictionary for Christmas.

SHELLEY: Del, that negativity usually comes from a spot right on the back of your heel. [she holds up needle] I can release that.

DEL: No, thanks anyway, Shelly. I'll release it myself later.

SHELLEY: Okay, but I know somebody who's skin in breaking out...

DEL: Come on, you guys. I've got an hour to learn an opera.

RICHARD: Del, isn't there something else you can do to impress Caroline?

DEL: Well...I can, uh, burp the alphabet.

RICHARD: Okay, "The Marriage of Figaro", Act one. [he begins to hum the overture]

CAROLINE: Moving, isn't it?

PETER: The tempo is all wrong. They call this adagio?

CAROLINE: Shame on them!

RICHARD: We're in the garden. Susanna is disguised as the Countess, the Countess is disguised as Susanna, and they tell it all to Cherubino, who's really a girl, playing a boy, pretending he's a girl.

DEL: Wasn't there a "Three's Company" like this?

SHELLEY: Yeah!

RICHARD: Why? Why do I bother?

DEL: No, come on. This is important. What next?

RICHARD: Okay, what next? Well uh, they all live happily ever after. See Del, there are two kinds of opera: one where they all live happily ever after, and one where they all commit suicide. They're not a subtle people.

SHELLEY: Del, if you get lost, just say 'Pavarotti'. Everybody loves Pavarotti.

DEL: Let me see if I've got this right. [he reads off a notepad] The Count and Countess get together, Barbarino and Cherubino are together...tell me again what happens to Figaro.

RICHARD: He gets married. Hence the title "The Marriage of Figaro"!

PETER: [to Remo] Vini Bianchi. Vini Bianchi. Do you have anything from Grato Filato?

REMO: You know the Friscotti region?

PETER: Yes, I took some cooking classes at the Ristorante de Scollo.

REMO: Ristorante de Scolo? [they start talking in Italian; Caroline pretends to smoke a breadstick] [to Caroline] This one is a catch. [he takes the breadstick out of her mouth] Behave.

CAROLINE: Wow, you can do it all, can't you? You speak Italian, you fix the cab when it breaks down...

PETER: Oh, well, it was just a fan belt that came loose.

CAROLINE: Yeah, but you made a new one put of the driver's shoelaces! Is there anything you can't do, Peter?

PETER: Ovulate?

CAROLINE: I bet you could if you tried!

PETER: You know, Caroline, don't you kind of wonder what would have happened if we had fallen in love and maybe gotten married?

CAROLINE: I'm guessing I'd be a Valium addict. [Peter gives her a dubious look] What with all your free samples and all.

[Del enters]

DEL: Hey, Remo.

REMO: Signor Del, uh...we're closed.

DEL: You're full.

REMO: So? We're full.

DEL: Look Remo, I know Caroline's here with someone else.

REMO: Listen, I just got the Gambino family to stop eating. I don't want no trouble.

[Del walks over to Peter and Caroline]

DEL: Caroline.

CAROLINE: Del.

DEL: Peter.

PETER: Hi, Del.

CAROLINE: So you decided to come after all.

DEL: Oh yeah, well, I was in the neighbourhood. I just picked up the new "Don Giovanni" CD.

PETER: Oh with Sam Ramey. I've got it sitting back home in my Beamer.

DEL: Oh well, I guess I should have left mine in my Porsche.

PETER: You know, Ramey's a wonderful technician, but Americans just don't get the idiomatic nuances of Italian.

DEL: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I thought that!

PETER: Well, on the other hand, Peter Seller's "Don Giovanni" was a revelation.

CAROLINE: So was "The Pink Panther".

PETER: Different Peter Sellers.

DEL: Really, Caroline!

PETER: [to Del] Vini Bianchi?

DEL: Ah.

[Peter pours him some wine]

CAROLINE: It's from the Friscotti region, Del.

DEL: Ooh, how delightful. So, how was the opera?

PETER: Well, I've never been comfortable with Thomas Allen's interpretation of the count. It's facile, and quite frankly, lacks honesty.

DEL: Well that's too bad, because honesty is so important in an opera that's not only a masterpiece, but perhaps the most successful marriage of score and libretto in history.

CAROLINE: Whoa!

PETER: Yes, one wonders if Mozart or Duponti imagined that when they were writing it.

DEL: Yes, one wonders.

PETER: Let me ask you, what do you think of Filuccio Filanetto's "Figaro"?

CAROLINE: Too many Fs for me.

DEL: Yeah, that guy's good, but if you ask me, nobody does it better than Pavarotti. I mean, everybody loves Pavarotti, right?

PETER: Well, Pavarotti's wonderful, yes, but he couldn't do "Figaro". It's a bass-baritone role, and he's a tenor.

DEL: Well, I heard him a long time ago, before his voice changed.

CAROLINE: Del, eat some bread. [she hands him a breadroll]

PETER: His voice changed from a base to a tenor? I would love to hear that recording.

DEL: Well, you can't. It's out of print, and uh...that's it.

PETER: If you say so, or as the French say, [he says something in French]. N'est-ce pas?

DEL: Yeah, well, Grey Poupon, "Les Miserables"-

CAROLINE: Del, you don't speak French.

DEL: No, but...can you do this? [he stands up and starts juggling fruit]

CAROLINE: Del.

PETER: As a matter of fact... [he takes the fruit from Del and juggles it]

CAROLINE: Peter.

REMO: Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Please! This is the No Circus section.

[Del balances a chair on his chin]

PETER: Oh yeah? How 'bout this? [he walks on his hands]

REMO: Ladies and gentlemen, Remo's is proud to present the amazing Signor Del, the amazing Signor Other Guy!

PETER: Top this!

DEL: Caroline, jump on!

PETER: Caroline, set me on fire!

CAROLINE: Hey, you. Where are you going?

DEL: I hear Ringling Brothers is looking for a new trained seal. If I hurry, I can still make it.

CAROLINE: I think what you did was pretty romantic.

DEL: What? I made an idiot out of myself. I got kicked out of Remo's!

CAROLINE: Yeah, well, you made twenty bucks in tips.

DEL: But Peter made thirty.

CAROLINE: I think you're amazing.

DEL: Yeah?

CAROLINE: Yeah.

DEL: So all I got to do to win you over is make a fool out of myself?

CAROLINE: That's how you won me in the first place.

DEL: Hey, you're the one who slammed my coat in the cab door.

CAROLINE: You're the one who held on and let him drag you for five blocks.

DEL: It was Brooks Brothers.