108: Caroline and the Balloon

Written by Bill Prady
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Florence Henderson as Herself
Lauren Graham as Shelly
Michael Burger and Maty Monfort as Parade Announcers
Joel Miller as Peter
Marlon Archey as Captain Markham
Brian Hargrove as Crowd Member

CAROLINE: [to the turkey] So, any special plans for the holidays?

TURKEY: Don't ask. [he holds up his glass; the bartender refills it]

ANNIE: Thanksgiving sucks.

CAROLINE: [holding up the turkey] Well, I believe there are about twenty million of his friends that might agree with you. So what's up?

ANNIE: Well, I just got off the phone with my ma. She wants me to bring a dish to Thanksgiving dinner. When did that start?

CAROLINE: With the Pilgrims.

ANNIE: Yeah? The Pilgrims suck. I can't cook! Do Fritos count as a side dish?

CAROLINE: Annie, make yams. Yams are easy.

ANNIE: I would, but my Aunt Camille is bringing them. Bitch.

[Del enters, holding a video camera]

DEL: Hey honey, ready for tonight? I got a video camera so we can tape it.

RICHARD: Oh please, can't you people just rent those videos like everybody else?

CAROLINE: No, Richard! We're going up to Seventy-Seventh Street after dinner to watch them inflate the "Caroline in the City" balloon. Want to tag along?

RICHARD: No thank you. 'Tag along', who do I look like, Huck Finn?

ANNIE: Hey, I think this is pretty cool. Somebody we know has a balloon in the Thanksgiving day parade.

DEL: Hey, it's not just any balloon. Caroline's is the second biggest in the whole parade. Eighty feet!

ANNIE: Get out!

CAROLINE: I'm out!

DEL: Kinda makes you proud to work for her, doesn't it, Richard?

RICHARD: Yeah. You know, size is a definite sign of artistic success. I hear Whistler died miserable, never having realised his dream of an eighty foot mother.

CAROLINE: Richard, this is important to me, and it's not just a big ego thing. In tenth grade, I was in the marching band. Second chair saxophone.

RICHARD: Oh great, childhood story.

ANNIE: Hey, I love Tales of the Midwest. Is there a cow in this one?

CAROLINE: No. It's just that, my band got picked out of thousands of other high school bands to come to New York and be in the Thanksgiving Day parade. I mean, I was so excited, I was going to be on TV, I was going to be part of something that's, you know, this American tradition.

DEL: Hey, I didn't know you were in the high school band! [quietly] You uh...you still got that uniform?

RICHARD: Don't interrupt her, I think she was actually getting to a point.

DEL: So was I.

CAROLINE: Anyway, Michael Sheehan - who, by the way, was also a fan of my uniform - gave me mono two days before we were supposed to go and I had to stay home and watch everybody on the TV.

ANNIE: Mono sucks.

CAROLINE: The point is, it was kind of a dream of mine and I never thought I'd get another chance...and if I could just stay away from Michael Sheehan for the next twelve hours, I might just get my shot.

[Del's cellphone rings]

ANNIE: Del, your pants are ringing.

RICHARD: 'Hi, this is Del Cassidy, I'm not in my pants right now...'

DEL: [on phone] Del Cassidy here.

ANNIE: Caroline, I just think this balloon thing is the coolest in the whole world.

CAROLINE: Annie, there's a couple more ropes. You want to come with us?

ANNIE: Really? Okay, that sounds like fun. What time?

CAROLINE: Five AM.

ANNIE: Oh, I'd love to, but I've got that thing with sleeping.

CAROLINE: Annie, do this with us and I will bake you an apple pie that'll knock your aunt's yams right out of the water.

ANNIE: [in a weird Wisconsin accent] Oh, an apple pie! Like they make back home in Wisconsin?

CAROLINE: [with the same accent] Oh sure! And you know what's really good is if you put a nice, yummy slice of cheddar cheese on top.

ANNIE: [with accent] Ooh yah, like from Mertz' Cheese Castle. [normal voice] Okay, alright. You bake a pie, I'll pull a balloon.

CAROLINE: And hey, Richard, there's one more rope left.

RICHARD: Only if it's long enough to go around my neck.

CAROLINE: So that's a no, huh?

RICHARD: No, it's a sarcastic no.

DEL: [on phone] Okay great, I'll tell her. [he hangs up] Honey, great news. That was the parade people. Spiderman sprung a leak, they're moving us up. We're right behind the Wessality float with Florence Henderson on it.

[Annie turns around quickly]

ANNIE: Florence Henderson?! [Caroline and Del nod] As in Mrs Brady? [they nod] As in the lovely lady about which there is a story? [they nod] Oh my god! I love Florence Henderson!

RICHARD: Who is Florence Henderson?

CAROLINE: Whoa. Whoooaa...whoa. I bought 'Who is Shaquille O'Neal?' I even bought 'Who is Charlie Brown?', but 'Who is Florence Henderson?' What planet are you from?

DEL: Come on, haven't you ever heard of "The Brady Bunch"? They were on television.

RICHARD: Television I've heard of.

[knock at door]

ANNIE: Wow! You don't know "The Brady Bunch"? See, this is the problem with the American education system!

[Caroline opens the door; it's Shelly]

CAROLINE: Shelly! Richard, look who's here. It's Shelly.

SHELLY: Hi, boyfriend's boss. [she hugs Caroline] Happy almost-Thanksgiving.

ANNIE: Del, cover me, 'cause I'm going to try to get out of here without getting hugged.

DEL: Shelly.

[Shelly hugs him]

SHELLY: Hi, boyfriend's boss' boyfriend. [Annie tries to sneak past] Ooh! Hi, boyfriend's boss' neighbour. [she hugs Annie]

ANNIE: Hi, neighbour's employee's...I have no idea what I'm doing. [she exits]

RICHARD: Shelly, what are you doing here?

SHELLY: Okay, I know I'm not supposed to bother you while you're at work, but I just got the greatest news, and I was right down the street at my physical therapist's office. [holds up her left hand] He said my finger is perfectly healed.

CAROLINE: Shelly, I thought you hurt your right hand.

SHELLY: I did. I hurt my right hand when I fell, but I hurt my left hand on the equipment at the physical therapist's office. So anyway, you know how I was supposed to drive down and see my folks for Thanksgiving? Well, guess what? Okay, I'll tell you! The whole left side of Pennsylvania is covered with snow. Dad says on the map now it's just Sylvania. So now I can spend Thanksgiving with you.

RICHARD: You know, Shelly, as much fun as that sounds, and...oh boy does it sound fun, I just don't think I can.

SHELLY: Why not?

RICHARD: Uh...I am going to help Caroline pull her balloon in the parade.

CAROLINE: Really?

RICHARD: Yeah, wouldn't miss it. [he gestures to Caroline to play along]

SHELLY: Oh, is that tomorrow?

CAROLINE: Yes, um, Thanksgiving's falling on a Thursday this year.

SHELLY: Then I'll come with you. I just want to spend Thanksgiving with the guy I'm giving thanks for. [she hugs Richard]

RICHARD: [with a pained expression on his face] Great!

CAROLINE: [on phone] Good morning, Miss Spadaro. This is the front desk with your five AM wake-up call.

ANNIE: [from her apartment] I'M UP!

CAROLINE: Well, no continental breakfast for her. Del? DEL!

[Del wakes up]

DEL: Okay, I'm up, I just have to get dressed.

CAROLINE: You are dressed.

DEL: Excellent. [he goes back to sleep]

[Annie enters wearing a "Brady Bunch" t-shirt and cap]

ANNIE: So this is five AM, huh? Five AM sucks. [to Del] Move over. [she sits down on the couch]

CAROLINE: Annie, you've been up at five AM before.

ANNIE: No, I have stayed up 'til five AM, I've never gotten up at five AM.

DEL: [jumping up] Okay, I'm up, I just have to get dressed.

CAROLINE: I'm sensing I'm not surrounded by morning people here.

[the oven timer goes off]

DEL: Hey, I beat the alarm, okay?

CAROLINE: No, it's the oven timer. [she takes the pie out of the oven] Annie, your apple pie is finished. Doesn't that smell great?

ANNIE: Wait a minute, you got up and baked? What are you, a Stepford cartoonist?

CAROLINE: I never went to sleep. I'm just so jazzed about the parade. Come on you guys, wake up. We're going to be late.

DEL: Oh yeah, we've got to beat that uptown five AM traffic.

CAROLINE: Okay Salty, now don't forget to watch us. We're right after Florence Henderson. [she turns the TV on]

DEL: You're turning the TV on for the cat?

CAROLINE: Well, you don't expect her to turn it on herself.

ANNIE: Wow, it must be early, 'cause that actually made sense.

CAROLINE: [using the remote control] Record, play. Let's go, come on. [she and Del exit]

MAN: [on TV] Welcome back to the Sunrise Show. Now here's Dr Brian with the weather.

DR BRIAN: Good morning, New Yorkers, and here's the weather report for you early risers. It's a nippy seventeen degrees on this Thanksgiving morning.

ANNIE: Oh, this just gets better and better. [she exits]

SHELLY: That coffee starting to warm up your toes?

[Richard pours the coffee on his feet]

RICHARD: Yes.

SHELLY: Come on, you. We're going to be late to pull the balloon. All the good ropes will be taken.

RICHARD: I'm walking as fast as I can without cracking my skin.

[Shelly sees someone wearing a fur coat]

SHELLY: Oh my god. Do you see that woman's coat?

RICHARD: Yeah, and as much as I'd like to, I think I'm too cold to try to steal it.

SHELLY: That is fur from some defenceless little animal!

RICHARD: Shelly, not again. Look, it is none of our business.

SHELLY: Doesn't she know her coat has parents? Oh, that makes me sick! What makes a person do that?

RICHARD: It's cold, and they're bigger than the animal?

SHELLY: Well, someone's going to have to teach her a lesson. [she gets a jar of paint out of her purse]

RICHARD: What are you doing? What the hell is that?

SHELLY: Paint.

RICHARD: Paint? What kind of person carries a can of paint around in their purse?

SHELLY: The kind of person that wants to make this world a better place for our children. [she throws the paint on the coat] MURDERER!

[the person turns around, it's a man]

RICHARD: She meant that in the nicest way.

[they run away; the man chases after them]

MIKE: Hey, welcome back everybody. We are just moments away from getting this Thanksgiving parade underway. I am Mike Burger, this, of course, is Maty Monfort. Maty, I'll tell you, this is exciting, huh?

MATY: It sure is, Mike. There is nothing like this parade. The floats, the balloons...

MIKE: Speaking of balloons, the newest balloon to leap out of the funny pages and join her friends Snoopy and Garfield is Caroline from the comic strip "Caroline in the City".

MATY: She is so cute. I love that comic strip. And, by the way, Caroline comes to the parade courtesy of Cassidy Greeting Cards. Mike, did you know that the cartoonist herself, Caroline Duffy, is one of the volunteer balloon pullers today?

MIKE: Well, that's got to be exciting.

MATY: Oh, I'm sure it is. I wonder what's going through her mind right now.

DEL: You should have gone before we left.

CAROLINE: I didn't have to go then. I'll be fine. We used to take long car trips when I was a kid.

DEL: [looking at a woman in a small uniform through his video camera] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CAROLINE: You know, when we play that back, I'm going to see her.

DEL: What? No, I was just checking the zoom, and zoom! [he focuses in on Caroline] You look great in pink.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Oh my god! Oh my god! I just had a close encounter of the Brady kind!

CAROLINE: Annie, will you leave Florence Henderson alone? You're supposed to be manning your rope.

ANNIE: Oh I'm sorry, I'm only eighteen feet from my childhood idol!

CAROLINE: I thought Robby Benson was your childhood idol.

ANNIE: No, no, he was my dreamboat! Look what I got. [she holds up an autographed photo]

DEL: Florence Henderson had an eight by ten photo with her?

ANNIE: No, I did. I was going to bring the poster, but I though that would be too pushy.

CAROLINE: [reads] 'Best wishes, Florence Hen...' she didn't finish this.

ANNIE: Yeah, that's when the security guards dragged me away. But I think we really connected. Hey, there's Richard.

CAROLINE: Hey Richard, Shelly, over here!

[Richard and Shelly enter]

RICHARD: Okay, I think we lost him.

DEL: Hey, where've you guys been?

RICHARD: Getting coffee, running for our lives, it's a long story.

SHELLEY: It was all my fault.

ANNIE: Who would have thought?

RICHARD: Okay look, we're here. What do we do?

CAROLINE: Put these on. [she hands them some pink overalls]

SHELLY: Ooh, ooh, these are so cute. Can we keep these?

RICHARD: You have got to be kidding me!

CAROLINE: Del didn't complain.

DEL: Because Del knew what was good for him.

CAROLINE: What do you guys think?

SHELLEY: It's wonderful. [she looks up and gasps] It's so big!

RICHARD: Yeah, it's like the Hindenburg with dimples.

CAROLINE: I like her big. What do you think, Annie? Eight thousand double D?

ANNIE: Oh, yeah.

[Richard finishes putting on the overalls]

RICHARD: Okay, great. Now I know what a bottle of Pepto Bismol feels like.

SHELLEY: I think you look very handsome.

ANNIE: I think you look like you're ready to sweep up hair in a beauty parlour.

[Peter blows a whistle]

PETER: Okay, you rubber wranglers, I need everyone on a rope. I'm Pete, I'll be your captain. You can call me Pete, you can call me Captain. Frankly, I'd prefer Captain. Now I'm going to say this once, so listen up. When we get the signal, they're going to release the anchor ropes, so I need everyone in position and holding on tight. We need to avoid the sheer, so be prepared to tact to windward or tact to leeward as appropriate. Watch for lumping, especially in Columbus Circle. That's where we lost Kermit last year. Any questions? [everyone raises their hand] Okay, let's move out!

MATY: That was the Kresil Kraden marching band all the way in from Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. And coming up is Florence Henderson. She's getting ready to sing in just a few moments.

MIKE: And behind Florence we can see the brand new "Caroline in the City" balloon just starting to poke her nose down Broadway.

FLORENCE: [offscreen, singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string...

ANNIE: Oh, I could listen to her sing all day.

RICHARD: Unless we speed up and pass her, I think we're going to have to.

[Pete blows his whistle]

PETER: [to Caroline] Hey cartoonist, don't let go! We lose one rope, we lose them all.

CAROLINE: Yes sir, Captain, sir.

SHELLY: Oh! Hey Richard...

RICHARD: What?

SHELLY: There's the fur guy!

RICHARD: Where, where?

SHELLY: [pointing to the crowd] Right there! [she screams]

[Shelly and Richard let go of their ropes and run away; everyone except Caroline panics lets go as well]

PETER: Don't let go, don't let go!

[everything is in confusion; Caroline begins to lift into the air with the balloon]

CAROLINE: Help!

PETER: Let go!

CAROLINE: You just said 'Don't let go'!

PETER: You don't let go now, you're going to France!

[Annie tries to pull Caroline down]

ANNIE: Del, do something!

DEL: Caroline, let go! [he pulls her down]

CAROLINE: I won't get to be in the parade!

PETER: [into a walky-talky] Hey, we got a situation here...

CAROLINE: Oh my god, it's going to hit that building!

ANNE: Oh my god, she's heading right for Florence Henderson. FLORENCE, LOOK OUT! [Florence screams and falls off the float] Caroline, you just killed Mrs Brady!

RICHARD: Shelly, Shelly, come on, let's go.

SHELLY: Oh, look at this poor little thing. Who tied you up like this, sweetheart?

RICHARD: Shelly, Shelly, in case you've forgotten, we're not on our way to grandmother's house. We're running for our lives.

SHELLY: He's cold and scared.

RICHARD: So am I! Come on, let's go!

SHELLY: No, he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He's freezing. I think we should take him with us, and we'll take him to the shelter.

RICHARD: Shelly, look how short his legs are. He'll never be able to keep up. [a man enters from the house] Hi. In case you're wondering what we're doing, we're with the...New York Leash Inspection Service, yeah. [he looks at the leash] Ooh, this is a good, sturdy leather, and double stitching on the wrist loop. You'll be receiving your certificate in the mail. Have a nice day.

[the man takes the dog into the house]

SHELLY: Honey, when we doesn't get his certificate, he's going to be mad!

RICHARD: Shelly, if he wants to kill me he's going to have to take a number, now let's go. [lots of people are running down the street] What's going on, what's going on?

MAN: Run! The Caroline balloon is coming this way!

SHELLY: Oh!

RICHARD: Come on, come on.

[they exit]

MIKE: Folks, if you're just joining us, this has turned into some parade. The "Caroline in the City" balloon has broken free.

MATY: They say it's moving south and it's heading toward lower Manhattan right now.

[the balloon floats past the window; Salty stops eating the apple pie and looks up at it]

MIKE: Attempts are being made to retrieve it. It has caused some damage, most noticeably to several other floats.

MATY: Yes, and Mike, we've just gotten word that Florence Henderson is in stable condition at NYU Medical Centre.

MIKE: Oh, that's a relief.

MATY: Yeah, it sure is. Now, they're telling me that the balloon is heading downtown right now. I believe we have a live shot of the balloon right over Fifth Avenue.

MIKE: Alright, it seems that the balloon has knocked over our cameraman.

MATY: Mike, by the way, they're telling me that Captain Phillip Markham, from the national guard, is about to make a statement.

[Captain Markham can be seen on the TV, talking to a reporter]

MARKHAM: It looks like the balloon is headed for landfall somewhere in Staten Island. In order to prevent damage, we have members of our sharp-shooting corp here to try to pop it safely over New York Harbour.

[Caroline runs up to them]

CAROLINE: You can't shoot her down. That balloon is my-

[Del enters]

DEL: Caroline, Caroline, if you call her your baby, they'll take you away.

MARKHAM: I'm sorry, ma'am, it's our only option.

CAROLINE: No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Salty hears her on TV and stops eating the pie]

RICHARD: Okay, I think we lost him, which is quite an accomplishment considering we look like Pez dispensers.

SHELLY: Richard listen, I am starting to think that maybe you and I have some problems.

RICHARD: Shelly, I agree.

SHELLY: I mean, it's like when we're together, things...happen!

RICHARD: Yes, yes.

SHELLY: I mean, like how I let Caroline's balloon go and now this guy wants to kill us. It's almost like you plus me equals...disaster!

RICHARD: Shelly, I'm so glad you brought this up.

SHELLY: But I don't want you to get discouraged, 'cause I think we're worth fighting for. And I'm not going to give up. I love you. [she kisses him] Now, you go find Caroline, and I'm going to go back and see how our turkey is doing...and make sure I lit the oven, and the apartment isn't filling up with gas. [she exits; the guy with the coat enters]

RICHARD: Thank god you're here. Kill me. End my suffering. No, I'm serious. I'll give you money. [the guy starts to run away] Wait! Wait! Come back! [he chases after him]

CAROLINE: Del, they can't do this.

DEL: Caroline, she's going to crash into Staten Island.

CAROLINE: Oh, who lives in Staten Island? Can't they just put up some kind of net and catch her?

DEL: Yeah, honey, but the Statue of Liberty would have to hold it.

MARKHAM: Okay men, her feet are coming into range.

CAROLINE: Del...

DEL: Caroline, your cartoons are supposed to make people happy. Something's gone wrong with this one and we've got to stop her before she hurts innocent people. We've got to do the right thing.

MARKHAM: Ready, aim...

CAROLINE: Wait! [Del looks at her] I know. Goodbye, little Caroline. Fire.

[the men shoot; the balloon shrivels up]

ANNIE: Hey.

CAROLINE: Hey.

ANNIE: Listen, I know you're still a little bummed about the whole parade thing, so I got you a little surprise to cheer you up.

CAROLINE: Annie, thank you, but nothing's going to make me feel better.

ANNIE: Oh, I'm not so sure about that. [she opens the door and Florence Henderson enters, wearing a sling]

FLORENCE: Hello.

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Florence Henderson! What are you doing here?

FLORENCE: Well, your friend said you were still feeling pretty down and, well, she can be pretty persuasive.

ANNIE: It's a gift.

CAROLINE: Look, I'm really, really sorry about your arm.

FLORENCE: Oh, honey, that's show biz. I did a "Love Boat" once - hugged the rail for three days.

CAROLINE: Wow, this is just so weird. Mrs Brady, right here in my living room.

FLORENCE: Now, you do understand that I'm not really Mrs Brady?

CAROLINE: Yeah, of course.

FLORENCE: Well then, can you explain that to her?

ANNIE: Oh, isn't she great?!

CAROLINE: Can I get you some coffee or tea...

ANNIE: [imitating Alice] Or how about some pork chops and applesauce?

FLORENCE: You're doing it again. Now, Caroline, Annie tells me you're still very upset about this whole balloon thing. Why don't you just sit down and tell me all about it.

[they sit down]

CAROLINE: Oh, no, Miss Henderson, you're far too busy.

FLORENCE: Well actually, I was going to do a "Murder, She Wrote", but, [she looks at her arm] well, now I have some time.

CAROLINE: Well, okay. It's just that, you know, ever since I was little I had this dream of being in the Thanksgiving Day parade, and it finally happened, and instead of being the greatest day of my life, it was...humiliating.

FLORENCE: Oh, Caroline, honey. Let me tell you something that I've learned. You tried, that's what counts. You know, it doesn't matter if the dreams come true out here, [she points into space] it only matters if they come true in here. [points to Caroline's heart]

CAROLINE: Wow...that doesn't make any sense.

FLORENCE: I know. But it does make you feel better, doesn't it?

CAROLINE: Actually it does.

ANNIE: Oh my god, this is just like when you explained to Marsha why she couldn't be Juliet, or when Bobby thought you loved the girls more than the boys, or when Peter-

FLORENCE: Yeah yeah, Annie, Annie, I remember. I was there.

ANNIE: You know what would make her feel even better?

FLORENCE: No.

ANNIE: Come on, you know.

FLORENCE: No, not that again, I don't. No.

ANNIE: [singing] Here's the story, of a lovely lady, who was... [normal voice] The sooner you sing, the sooner you get out of here.

FLORENCE & ANNIE: [singing] Bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls. [Caroline joins in; Richard enters, listens to them singing, then exits] Here's the story, of a man named Brady, who was busy with three boys of his own...