109: Caroline and the Convict

Written by Ellen Idelson & Rob Lotterstein
Directed by Rod Daniel

Guest Starring:
Tim Conlon as Stephen
David Byrd as Officer Bloch
Tom La Grua as Remo
Jimm Giannini as Bum

ANNIE: Oh my god. Look at that man!

CAROLINE: Who?

[Annie points to a man sitting alone at another table]

ANNIE: All my life I've always believed there was one person I was destined to fall in love with, and when I saw him I would just instantly know it. And Caroline, that's the man! That is definitely the man I am supposed to end up with. [the man chokes and falls on the floor; Remo covers him with the tablecloth] Then again, I could be wrong.

CAROLINE: Good morning, Richard.

RICHARD: Ugh, not so far. I just took the A-train from hell. Seated on my left was a sticky eight-year-old with a water pistol, while on my right, an elderly gentleman, for reasons known only to him and his god, was attempting to give me a haircut against my will.

CAROLINE: Hey, your day can only get better.

RICHARD: You're obviously not familiar with my life. Okay, what do you want me to start on?

CAROLINE: Just hang on a second, I've got a surprise for you. [she gets up and walks to the room behind the stairs]

RICHARD: I hate surprises!

CAROLINE: Shut uuup. Hey, you've been working for me for what, like three months?

RICHARD: Uh, three months, eighteen years, they tell me at the meetings not to focus on it.

[Caroline returns with a small box in her hand]

CAROLINE: Lucky for you I find your sarcasm adorable. Now, you haven't brought in anything to personalise your workspace, so, here. [she gives him the box; he starts opening it]

RICHARD: What? [he takes out a tacky plastic cow's head] Oh, some sort of...barnyard animal.

CAROLINE: Our people call them cows.

RICHARD: Now, maybe it's time we take a cold hard look at that phrase, 'It's the thought that counts'.

CAROLINE: Stick a pencil in it.

RICHARD: If I must.

CAROLINE: I wasn't talking about the cow. [he sticks a pencil in the pencil sharpener in the cow's nose; it goes 'moooo'] Oh look, I know it's silly, but if you don't like it, bring something of your own from home in. You know - a photo, a plant, a sense of humour...

RICHARD: I suppose you wouldn't want me to bring in one of my paintings?

CAROLINE: One of your paintings, that's a great idea! I love fine art.

RICHARD: [looking at the cow] Obviously.

[Annie enters, carrying several dresses]

ANNIE: Okay, whatever you're doing, stop! We're picking out a dress.

RICHARD: Well, if it isn't Ethel Mertz.

ANNIE: Okay, which one do you think? I'm going out with Stephen - again!

CAROLINE: Again?

ANNIE: Yeah. God, I'm telling you Cair, I don't want to jinx this, but I think this guy might be the one.

CAROLINE: Annie, do remember the last time you said this guy might be the one?

ANNIE: No.

CAROLINE: Do you remember the restraining order?

ANNIE: Okay look, they only considered that stalking 'cause he fought it. If he'd just gone with it, it would have been a beautiful relationship. Besides, this is totally different. Stephen totally gets me. No guy has ever gotten me. [pause] Well, a lot of guys have gotten me, but they didn't really get me.

CAROLINE: Wow, sounds really serious.

ANNIE: As a herniated disk.

CAROLINE: Get out!

ANNIE: I'm out!

RICHARD: No really, get out. We're trying to work.

ANNIE: Ah, sounds like somebody got up on the wrong side of no-one.

CAROLINE: Richard, this is big news. This is exciting stuff.

RICHARD: Hey, you want exciting? [he sticks a pencil in the cow; it goes 'moooo']

CAROLINE: Yeah, it really grows on you, doesn't it?

[Annie holds up a short, tight dress]

ANNIE: Okay, what do you think of this one?

CAROLINE: Um...I don't know, Annie, our tastes are so different. [she pulls the hem lower; Annie pulls it up again]

ANNIE: No, be honest. I really want to impress Stephen. What does it say?

CAROLINE: Leave a twenty on the dresser.

ANNIE: Okay, well how 'bout this one? [she holds up another short, tight dress]

CAROLINE: Leave a fifty.

ANNIE: Fifty it is.

ANNIE: Listen to this: last night, Stephen and I did something I have never done with another guy.

CAROLINE: You know, I'm from the Midwest, do I really want to hear about this? [Annie turns around pulls up the back of her shirt] Oh my god, a tattoo! [reads] 'Ste'?

ANNIE: Well, it was supposed to be 'Stephen' but it hurt too much.

CAROLINE: Well, nothing says 'I love you' like permanent dye!

ANNIE: Wanna bet?

CAROLINE: That's it, no more excuses. I want to meet this guy.

ANNIE: Uh, I don't know.

CAROLINE: What? What, what why?

ANNIE: Well, Caroline, you know how much your approval means to me. I can't even buy a pint of Häagen-Dazs if I know you don't like the flavour.

CAROLINE: Look, if you like him, I like him.

ANNIE: Okay. Okay, you can meet him.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Okay okay, close your eyes. [Caroline and Annie protest] Come on, come on, play along. Close your eyes just for a minute. [he goes out into the hallway]

CAROLINE: Okay.

[they close their eyes]

ANNIE: Why are we doing this?

CAROLINE: He doesn't ask for much.

[Richard returns with a big, red, ugly painting]

RICHARD: Okay, open your eyes.

[they open their eyes; Caroline gasps and Annie looks disgusted]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, what is it?

RICHARD: It's one of my paintings. What's wrong? You told me I could bring in some of my work.

CAROLINE: What exactly do you call this...thing?

RICHARD: "My Mother's Womb".

CAROLINE: And that's a metaphor for...?

RICHARD: My mother's womb.

RICHARD: I've tried to create an image with "My Mother's Womb" that stays with people, even after they walk away.

CAROLINE: For about how long after they walk away?

[knock at door]

CAROLINE: Del?

DEL: [from outside] Yeah!

CAROLINE: Come on in.

[Del enters, carrying a bunch of flowers]

CAROLINE: Hi. [he gives her the flowers] Wow, flowers!

[they kiss]

DEL: Well, this is the new Del: thoughtful, sensitive...and not afraid to pop twenty-eight fifty for something that'll be dead in a week.

CAROLINE: So how was your day at work?

DEL: Brutal.

RICHARD: You run a greeting card company, how brutal could it be?

DEL: Hey, it's not as easy as it looks, okay? Today we found out our Earth Day cards weren't printed on recycled paper. We had to dump 'em and start all over again. You don't even want to know how many memos we had to write telling people we were doing that. [he looks at the painting] Wow! Where did that come from?

CAROLINE: Damien, the omen boy.

DEL: Richard, you painted this? That's great!

RICHARD: Really? You like this?

DEL: Yeah, I really do! How 'bout that? So, you did this with like, brushes and stuff?

RICHARD: Well you know, I don't like to reveal too much about my process, but uh, brushes are involved. [he walks towards the door]

DEL: [to Caroline] He really brightens up a room.

CAROLINE: 'Night, Richard. [she looks at her watch] God, I wonder where Annie and Stephen are? Reservations are in an hour.

[Richard opens the door; Annie and Stephen are standing in the hallway kissing]

RICHARD: Apparently their tongues got tied up in traffic. [he exits]

ANNIE: Hi. Caroline, Del, this is Stephen, my boyfriend. My beau, my old man, my main squeeze.

CAROLINE: Wow, I only made reservations for four!

ANNIE: Isn't she funny? Cartoonist.

STEPHEN: Pleasure to meet you, Caroline. [he gives her a big bunch of flowers]

CAROLINE: Oh wow, how sweet! Thank you.

DEL: [jealous] Nice flowers.

CAROLINE: Don't worry, Del. It's not the size that counts.

STEPHEN: Wow, this is a great loft.

CAROLINE: Thank you.

ANNIE: Stephen, go check out Caroline's view, it's incredible. [Stephen walks to the window] If you bend over and look uptown, you can see the Empire State Building.

CAROLINE: [to Annie] No you can't.

ANNIE: [quietly] Who cares, look at his ass. [they both look] Go ahead, touch it. He won't mind.

CAROLINE: Maybe later.

ANNIE: So, what do you think, one to ten?

CAROLINE: He's right up there. I'm thinkin'...nine.

STEPHEN: You know what, I love this painting!

CAROLINE: I'm thinkin'...six.

DEL: You know, I do too. I just find it very...inviting, and uh, in a strange way, cosy. I'm just not sure what it's supposed to be...

STEPHEN: Yeah, you're right, it is inviting.

[they both gaze at it]

ANNIE: Boy, they never do cut the cord, do they?

ALL: Cheers.

CAROLINE: So, Stephen, what do you do?

STEPHEN: Actually, I run the carousel in Central Park.

CAROLINE: Oh!

STEPHEN: Yeah, it's a great job. You get to spend the whole day watching children laughing. Sometimes you get to see bums peeing, but mostly the children laugh.

DEL: So, how long've you been doing that?

STEPHEN: Just since I got out of the pen.

DEL: You went to Penn? Get out of here, I went to Penn! What year?

STEPHEN: No no no, not Penn, the pen. As in, the penitentiary.

CAROLINE & DEL: Ah...

[Remo walks up to the table]

REMO: Okay, you ready to order?

CAROLINE: So, you're an ex-convict?

REMO: That reminds me, you need bread and water. [he exits]

STEPHEN: Actually, I'm glad this is out in the open. It's a bit of a stumbling block when you're trying to meet people or, you know, trying to vote.

CAROLINE: It's no big deal. We all have a past, right? I mean...I had braces. Annie, will you come with me to the ladies room? Girls always go in pairs!

ANNIE: [to Stephen] I think she wants to talk about you. We'll be right back.

[they exit]

DEL: [awkward] So...I loved "The Shawshank Redemption".

[cut to Caroline and Annie in the kitchen]

ANNIE: I know what you're going to say.

CAROLINE: No you don't.

ANNIE: Yes I do. You're going to say, 'He's an ex-con, Annie. This is just another in a long string of dead-end relationships that stem from your father's inability to express his love for you, and if you continue at this rate, you're going to wind up in a home for old dancers'.

CAROLINE: Actually, I was going to stop at 'He's an ex-con'.

[cut to the table. Remo is talking to Stephen]

REMO: Louiso Ciaso, in for extortion in '89. Does that name ring a bell?

STEPHEN: Sorry. You know, it's not like college.

[cut to the kitchen]

ANNIE: Listen Caroline, I didn't say anything to you about Stephen because I wanted you to get to know him for who he his. Not for something he did a long time ago.

CAROLINE: Look, I got to know him, he's a nice guy. But what did he do?

ANNIE: Caroline, it's not that big a deal! He did a little time for...breaking and entering.

CAROLINE: So he's a robber.

ANNIE: They prefer burglar. Come on Caroline, nobody's perfect. I mean, how many times have you walked out of here with a handful of Sweet 'n' Low shoved in your purse?

REMO: Six times, last week alone.

[cut to the table]

STEPHEN: I mean, think about it Del, it's a totally untapped market for greeting cards. I mean, you've got the anniversary of your parole, congratulations on getting outta solitary, and hey, let's face it Del, sometimes you do meet that special someone.

[cut to the kitchen]

CAROLINE: And I want you to be happy. Every time you fall for someone you get this blind spot.

ANNIE: That's not true! Give me one example. And not the married guy. And not the other married guy.

CAROLINE: Okay. The sniffer, the guy who wouldn't tell you his name...

REMO: The guy who was the lousy tipper.

ANNIE: He was poor!

REMO: Then eat at home!

CAROLINE: Oh oh, my personal favourite, the guy who had nicknames for each of his fingers. All eleven of them...

ANNIE: Okay, okay, I get it, but Caroline, this is different. This is the guy I really like.

CAROLINE: You sound serious about him.

ANNIE: I think I'm in love.

CAROLINE: Then I'm happy for you.

[they hug]

REMO: And I'm happy for you too. [he hugs them] Okay, and the hug, everybody out.

RICHARD: Where's my painting? Caroline? Caroline!

[Caroline enters from upstairs, holding a toothbrush]

CAROLINE: Richard I'm sorry, I just-

RICHARD: Caroline, where's my painting?

CAROLINE: It's, um... [she comes downstairs and looks around] Oh my god!

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: My fax machine...my TV...my microwave, oh! Oh, I've been robbed!

[Richard grabs her by the shoulders]

RICHARD: Caroline, they got "My Mother's Womb"!

CAROLINE: ...and a thirty-two inch Sony TV, and a Panasonic fax machine. The kind that takes regular paper, not that curly stuff.

BLOCH: [writing on a notepad] Regular...paper...not...curly. Miss Duffy, do you live alone?

CAROLINE: Well, yeah.

BLOCH: You know what you need to do?

CAROLINE: Yeah, get an alarm system.

BLOCH: Get married.

CAROLINE: What?

BLOCH: Get married, move to Long Island, have a couple of kids, you'll be safe.

CAROLINE: Did my mother send you?

BLOCH: Do it now while you're pretty, 'cause in ten years you're just going to have to get a gun.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Okay, okay, okay. I've been all through the building knocking on doors, nobody saw anything. By the way, don't ever wake up apartment 6-B, it's not pretty in the morning.

CAROLINE: [to Officer Bloch] Oh, they stole a painting.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, this was not just a painting. The Mona Lisa was just a painting, this was a work of art!

BLOCH: Can you estimate its value?

RICHARD: How can you put a price on an artist's soul? "Mother's Womb" was priceless, it was an original Karinsky for god's sake! Thirty thousand.

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: What's going on here?

CAROLINE: I was robbed.

RICHARD: They stole my painting.

ANNIE: [to Caroline] Oh my god, are you okay?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I'm fine.

BLOCH: Miss Duffy, do you have any leads? Anyone suspicious been hanging around, anybody have access to the apartment?

[Caroline looks at Annie]

CAROLINE: No...no.

BLOCH: Okay, we'll look for your stuff, and you - just keep looking for Mr Right.

RICHARD: Come on, come on, come on, I'll go with you. Maybe we can put out an APB or something.

BLOCH: Maybe it'd be better if we split up. We'll patrol in the car, you hit the streets and check every dumpster within a fifteen block radius.

RICHARD: Good idea, good idea. [he exits]

BLOCH: Won't do any good, but it'll keep him busy. [he exits]

ANNIE: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I'm afraid so.

ANNIE: Well, you've got to expect it when you hire someone without references.

CAROLINE: Richard? You're accusing Richard? Why would he steal his own painting?

ANNIE: Come on, Caroline, who else would want it?

CAROLINE: Annie, wake up and smell the coffee. Which I can no longer make, 'cause I no longer have a coffee maker. Look, an ex-con sleeps at your place, where you have a key to my place on a hook that says 'Caroline's apartment', and the next morning I wake up and all my stuff is gone?

ANNIE: Are you saying my Stephen is a thief?

CAROLINE: Hey, it's not just me. A jury of his peers agreed.

ANNIE: Well, if you're so sure Stephen did it, why didn't you tell the cops?

CAROLINE: Because you're my friend. My delusional friend, but my friend.

ANNIE: Hey, I'm not delusional. If anyone's delusional it's you. [she walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Annie, Annie, let's just forget about it. I can get new stuff, I'll get new locks, and you can get a-

ANNIE: What, a new boyfriend?

CAROLINE: Look, let's just forget about this.

ANNIE: No! No, let's not just forget about this. In fact, I'll prove you wrong. I'll tell Stephen you bought a new TV, and you're on vacation, and I'll leave him completely alone in my apartment and see what he does. And you'll see.

CAROLINE: Will that make you feel better?

[Annie walks towards her apartment]

ANNIE: Yes! Being proven right always makes me feel better.

CAROLINE: Fine!

ANNIE: Good! [she slams the door]

CAROLINE: [unimpressed] Del, it was cute the first five times.

DEL: Come on, I'm bored. Man! I thought "Stakeout" with Emilio Estevez was bad. At least it only lasted an hour and a half.

ANNIE: I told you. Stephen's not coming.

CAROLINE: You did tell him we were going out tonight, didn't you?

ANNIE: Yup.

CAROLINE: Did you say that my new TV had picture in picture?

ANNIE: Yeah, right after I told him your blender went all the way to frappé.

[Del shines the torch at Caroline and looks at her shadow on the wall]

DEL: Ooh...

CAROLINE: Del, come on... [she looks at her shadow] Wow, they look so big!

DEL: Oh, and here comes a bunny rabbit. [he holds out his hand] [in a squeaky voice] Ooh, that's a big hill for the bunny to climb!

[the phone rings; Del goes to answer it]

CAROLINE: No no no, don't get it. It might be Stephen trying to see if we're here.

ANNIE: Oh yeah, a lot of criminals call ahead to place their orders. Saves time.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, it's Caroline. You know the drill.

CAROLINE: God, I hate my voice.

RICHARD: [on machine] Um hi, it's Richard. I know it's late, but uh, I'm not coming into work tomorrow. It's just been to devastating.

CAROLINE: Jeez, it's just a painting!

RICHARD: I know to you it's just a painting, but I feel like the blood has been drained from my body, you know? So um, let me know if you hear anything. [he sighs and gets choked up] Gotta go.

DEL: Man, he is amazing! He can ruin an evening without even being here.

ANNIE: Okay, I'm out of here. See, I got a gorgeous, trustworthy boyfriend who is at this moment across the hall waiting in bed, for me. Not your TV, not your battery-operated appliances. Although they are fun. Me. So when you're ready to apologise, you just let me know.

[she walks towards the door and someone starts to unlock it from outside]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, this is it!

[they hide behind the kitchen counter; Stephen enters]

ANNIE: Run, baby, run! It's a trap!

[Caroline takes a photo of Stephen with a polaroid camera]

CAROLINE: Gotcha!

STEPHEN: What's going on here?

CAROLINE: Hey, I think you should be the one answering questions, Mister.

STEPHEN: I heard a noise!

ANNIE: He heard a noise!

STEPHEN: And I knew you'd been having some trouble lately so I just came over to check it out!

ANNIE: And he knew you'd been having some trouble lately and he just came over to check it out!

CAROLINE: Oh, come on!

DEL: Well, we were making noise.

CAROLINE: What? Del, am I the only one here that sees what's going on? [to Stephen] Just admit that you stole my stuff, that's all I want to hear.

STEPHEN: What is this, a set-up? [to Annie] And you, you said you were visiting a sick friend!

ANNIE: Stephen, honey, I can explain...

STEPHEN: Et tu, Annie?

DEL: 'Et tu'?

STEPHEN: Prison production, "Julius Caesar".

ANNIE: Stephen, I was trying to prove to Caroline that you were innocent!

CAROLINE: [to Stephen] Too bad you didn't end up to your end of the deal.

STEPHEN: Oh, this is how it turns out, huh? I can't believe you, Annie, you're just like all the rest. I mean, you make a mistake, you pay your debt to society, you work to turn your life around, you meet somebody you think maybe-

ANNIE: But-

STEPHEN: Don't, don't! It's better that I just go. Goodbye Annie. [he exits]

ANNIE: I hope you're happy.

CAROLINE: I am not happy-

ANNIE: Didn't you think there was a small chance you could've been wrong about this?

CAROLINE: Yeah well, maybe one in a million.

ANNIE: Well, Stephen is a one in a million guy. [she turns and looks out the window]

CAROLINE: I'm sorry!

DEL: Man, even "Stakeout 2" was better than this.

ANNIE: I gotta go. [she walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Look, are you just going to stay mad at me?

ANNIE: I gotta go get Stephen.

CAROLINE: Annie, let it go.

ANNIE: He stealing Del's Porsche.

[they all look surprised, then run out the door]

RICHARD: Oh my god. Oh my god, it's my painting! [he walks up to it]

BUM: Hey, get away from there!

RICHARD: This is my painting.

BUM: No it's not, it's mine. I found it in a dumpster behind Jesse's Pawn Shop.

RICHARD: No no, I mean this is my painting, I mean I painted it, look look look. Okay, see? [he gets his wallet out and compares his signature to the one on the painting] Karinsky, Karinsky. See? Somebody stole it from me. [he starts to clear away the garbage from around it]

BUM: I guess it is yours. It's very nice. You're a very gifted artist.

RICHARD: Thank you.

BUM: In the right light, you can see the influence of Frankenthaler.

RICHARD: [surprised] Frankenthaler? Where?

BUM: [pointing] Right there. The mood. [Richard stares at him] I know you think I'm just a bum, but I used to have a life and a job. I may have lost all that, but I haven't lost my ability to appreciate beautiful things.

[pause]

RICHARD: You keep it.

BUM: Really?

[Richard kisses his hand and touches it to the painting]

RICHARD: Yeah.

BUM: Oh wow, you don't know how much this means to me!

[Richard exits]

BUM: [to other bum] Boy, that was close. He almost got our roof!