110: Caroline and the Christmas Break

Written by Michelle Nader & Amy Cohen
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Tom La Grua as Remo
Lauren Graham as Shelly
Lorna Luft as Travel Agent

CAROLINE: You know, life's a lot like a river: fast, furious, unpredictable. You just have to take it as it comes. Every now and then though, I wish I was one of those people who had a boat...

CAROLINE: Voila! Three comic strips down, two more to go.

ANNIE: Ooh. Look at this guy in the Macy's underwear section, I'd like to deck his halls.

CAROLINE: Annie, don't distract me. I've got to get a weeks worth of strips done if Del and I are going to go away for the Christmas vacation... [she looks at the catalogue] Wow, that is a creative use of holly!

[Richard and Shelly enter]

SHELLY: [singing] Eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, Richard...

RICHARD: [deadpan] Five golden rings.

SHELLY: Well, aren't you just the ghost of Christmas poopy.

RICHARD: Sorry I'm late, but uh, [in a disgusted tone] we were out catching snowflakes on our tongues. [he gives Shelly a fake smile]

SHELLY: You know that no two snowflakes are exactly alike?

ANNIE: Or tongues.

CAROLINE: Here you go, Christmas Poopy. Two Sunday strips to colour.

SHELLY: [looking at the fruitcake on the coffee table] Ooh, is that fruitcake? Oh, I love fruitcake.

ANNIE: Well, you are what you eat.

CAROLINE: Shelly, take that fruitcake with you. I've got two more from last year.

SHELLY: Thanks. [she picks it up] Whoo, heavy! Feels delicious! [she walks towards the door] Ooh, Richard, I'm standing under the mistletoe...

CAROLINE: Actually they were out of mistletoe, you're standing under cilantro.

SHELLY: Oh, what do people do under cilantro?

ANNIE: They say goodbye.

SHELLY: Okay, goodbye.

ALL: Bye.

SHELLY: Oh, it works! [she exits]

RICHARD: How am I going to get rid of her?

ANNIE: Well, you could ask Santa for a spine for Christmas.

CAROLINE: Shelly's not that bad.

RICHARD: Not that bad? She wakes up in the morning singing 'Good morning, good morning, a happy winter morning'.

ANNIE: And you haven't clubbed her like a baby seal yet?

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Hey guys, joy to the world. Ooh, cilantro. Rich girl!

CAROLINE: Hi Charlie. We haven't quite finished the strips yet. Charlie, so your trip isn't a total loss, why don't I give you your Christmas gift now?

CHARLIE: Oh, Christmas in December. [she gives him an envelope; he opens it] Oh Caroline, wow! [reads] A day of beauty at Elizabeth Arden.

CAROLINE: Oh no, I'm sorry, wrong envelope. I was supposed to give that one to Del's secretary. [she tries to take it off him but he snatches it away]

CHARLIE: Not any more. [he looks at the fruitcake] Fruitcake, I love fruitcake. My mom always makes it with Skittles.

CAROLINE: Well, take the whole thing. Knock yourself out.

CHARLIE: I've done that!

ANNIE: Oh my god, I just got the greatest idea. Charlie, are you seeing anyone right now?

CHARLIE: Well, there was this one girl in my apartment complex I was seeing on a regular basis, but then she bought curtains.

CAROLINE: Annie, what are you up to?

ANNIE: Well, I was just thinking, Richie can't dump Shelly, but what if she dumps Richard for Charlie? I mean, they're perfect for each other - she's a fruitcake lover, he's a fruitcake lover...

RICHARD: Wait a minute. You want Charlie to steal my girlfriend away from me?

ANNIE: Yeah.

RICHARD: Oh, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

CAROLINE: [singing] Good morning, good morning, a happy winter morning-

RICHARD: But it's worth a shot. Charlie, may the Force be with you.

AGENT: Well, where are we off to?

CAROLINE: Well, we were thinking either Paris or Hawaii.

DEL: Yeah, I say Paris. I mean, that way we get to French kiss, in France.

CAROLINE: I wonder what they call American kissing over there?

AGENT: Boring. [she laughs]

CAROLINE: I have always wanted to go to Paris. Paris at Christmas is going to be so romantic.

AGENT: I hope you're not talking about this Christmas!

CAROLINE: Well, yeah. Actually um, you know, we're kind of spur of the moment people.

AGENT: Who I hope enjoy staying at a youth hostel and sharing a bathroom with ten other people, 'cause that's all we got left.

DEL: Are you sure there's nothing else in Paris?

AGENT: [looking at the computer] Oh, a lovely package just came up for April.

CAROLINE: Del, April in Paris, chestnuts and...what's the rest of that song?

DEL: April?

CAROLINE: In Paris. I know that part.

DEL: Uh no, it's just April's five months away. I mean, who knows where we could be in five months?

[Caroline gives him a look]

CAROLINE: 'Where we could be'?

AGENT: Mistake!

DEL: Yeah um, all I meant, all I meant was, uh...that's like five months. That's a whole other calendar year. I mean, we could be tied down with other...things. Uh...one of us could be taking guitar lessons, I was thinking about getting a dog...

AGENT: [holding up a coffee cup] Some water to wash down your foot?

DEL: [uncomfortable] What've you got the thermostat on? It's like ninety degrees in here!

CAROLINE: Look Del, if you don't think we're going to be together in five months, just say so.

DEL: That's not what I said.

CAROLINE: Well, you didn't have to say it. I'm a woman. I can smell fear.

AGENT: She's right, I can smell it over here.

DEL: No, it's just that, [Caroline starts to leave] it's just that, youth hostel's starting to grow on me. Sharing a bathroom's not so bad. Hey, you said you want to expose yourself to new people!

[Caroline exits; Del follows her]

RICHARD: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cause the cat was dead. [Annie enters, wearing a skimpy Christmas outfit] Well, if it isn't the eighth dwarf - Easy.

ANNIE: FYI, I am part of this group called Broadway Babies. We give presents to sick kids in hospitals.

RICHARD: Where there'll be plenty of single doctors?

ANNIE: Hey, two birds. [she turns around] Can you zip me up, please?

[Richard starts zipping her up]

RICHARD: Where in my job description does it say I have to zip up the neighbour?

ANNIE: Under benefits.

[Charlie enters]

CHARLIE: Hey, Richard. Hey...elf. I don't have a lot of time, I've got deliveries to make, gotta move gotta groove, gotta ge gotta gi gotta go.

[Richard gives him a manila envelope]

ANNIE: I'm guessing someone had a little too much caffeine at Starbucks?

CHARLIE: Who? [they both point at him] Oh, yeah. What does it mean when...you can't blink?

RICHARD: Uh, Charlie... [Charlie starts to leave; Annie grabs his bag to stop him] Charlie Charlie Charlie, Charlie!

CHARLIE: What?

RICHARD: Hello, how did it go?

CHARLIE: Oh, I met that girl you told me about. Man, she's got that eyes, and that nose, and those lips...

RICHARD: Yeah yeah, she's got a face. Charlie, did you ask her out?

CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah I did. It took me ten cappuccinos to get up the nerve, but when she gave me the eleventh one for free, I knew I'd won her over. It's like we have so much in common, we're of one mind!

ANNIE: Let me guess, she's using it now?

CHARLIE: Ha-ha. During her break, we went skating at Rockefeller Centre. [he points to his rollerblades] These, these things don't do nearly as well on the ice. So I asked her out on a date for tonight, and she said 'Okey-dokey, Smokey'.

RICHARD: Wait, she accepted a date with you? [to Annie] Oh my god, your stupid plan is actually working!

ANNIE: Well, when you're sitting alone in a bar on Christmas Eve, you can thank me.

RICHARD: Shelly!

SHELLY: Richard, there's something I...oh, [she looks at the cilantro above the door] goodbye! Um, there's something that I have to tell you.

RICHARD: Really? Is uh, everything alright at work?

SHELLY: Oh yeah, it's fine.

RICHARD: Did you sell a lot of cappuccinos?

SHELLY: Yeah, some, but they're really getting pushed out by the mocha. I think it's the name - mooocha. Okay, the thing I have to tell you is not going to be very pleasant.

RICHARD: Really? [he smiles]

SHELLY: Yeah. [she looks at him; he stops smiling] Okay, I talked to my mom and dad, and they say that when we go to Pennsylvania for Christmas we can't sleep in the same bed.

RICHARD: What?

SHELLY: I know! But my parents are like from the dark ages, and they figure, well, if they don't, why should anyone else?

RICHARD: Shelly, Shelly, and that's the bad news you came over to tell me?

SHELLY: Yeah. I'm really sorry, hon. I got to go. [she walks towards the door]

RICHARD: You sure there's nothing else? Uh...any interesting customers come rolling in today?

SHELLY: No.

RICHARD: No? Okay, how 'bout this, uh...what do you say we have dinner tonight?

SHELLY: [happy] Oh, Richard! I can't.

RICHARD: Ah-ha!

SHELLY: Ah-ha!

RICHARD: Ah-ha! [Shelly starts giggling] Yeah, well, why not?

SHELLY: Oh, because I am visiting a sick friend.

RICHARD: 'A sick friend'? Oh Shelly, can't you do any better than that?

SHELLY: Um, okay. [dramatically] She has four months to live! [she exits]

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: So? I saw the Goodbye Girl in the hall. She came, she saw, she dumped?

RICHARD: No, no it's worse. Not only is she not dumping me, but she's lying to me and cheating on me with a guy you fixed her up with!

ANNIE: That SLUT! Oh, she's good!

CAROLINE: Del, this isn't easy to say, but...it's over.

REMO: [deadpan] No. Please. Give me another chance.

CAROLINE: Don't joke, this isn't easy, okay? Del, look, I believed in you. I believe that you wanted to change. But you didn't, and now I feel stupid. Who's the fool?

REMO: 'Who's the fool?' Oh Carolina, where did you get that one, eh?

CAROLINE: Amanda said it to Michael on Monday night on "Melrose Place".

REMO: Whoa, don't ruin it for me. I taped it.

[Del enters]

DEL: Oh Caroline, sorry I'm late.

CAROLINE: Oh, you don't have to apologise.

REMO: If you think you're going to want the raspberry soufflé, tell me now, because it takes forty-five minutes.

CAROLINE: Del, forty-five minutes. I don't know, you could be in the middle of a guitar lesson or something.

REMO: I see the games have already begun. [he walks away]

DEL: Listen, Caroline, about this whole Paris trip. I hate fighting.

CAROLINE: I do too.

[Del gazes at her]

DEL: You really look great.

CAROLINE: Del, every time we have an argument we can't just fall into bed together.

DEL: I know, I know, that's why I think we should break up.

CAROLINE: I know, it's not easy for me to say, but...excuse me?

DEL: I think we should break up.

CAROLINE: Wait wait wait, you're breaking up with me?

DEL: Caroline look, I just can't be the guy you want me to be. It's not working. I just end up feeling inadequate, you feel frustrated, I can't give you what you want.

CAROLINE: I know that, that's not the point. You're breaking up with me? I was going to break up with you!

DEL: Come on, let's just try to be mature about this.

CAROLINE: I was! Ask Remo!

DEL: Okay, okay, if you say so, then okay, you were going to break up with me. I'm here, break up with me.

CAROLINE: Well, you just dumped me. You can't tell me what to do. [she gets up] Goodbye Del.

DEL: Caroline, wait!

CAROLINE: I believed in you. Who's the fool? [she exits]

DEL: What does that mean?

REMO: [shaking his head] I'll give you the tape.

REMO: Ah, Richardo. Table for one?

RICHARD: Hopefully. I'm here to break up with Shelly.

REMO: A little advice: don't say 'Who's the fool'.

[Richard walks over to a table where Charlie is sitting]

RICHARD: Charlie? Charlie, where is she?

CHARLIE: Who?

RICHARD: The plan was to catch the two of you together!

[Laura enters]

CHARLIE: There she is now.

RICHARD: Who's that?

CHARLIE: That's the woman you wanted me to meet.

RICHARD: Charlie, that's not Shelly!

CHARLIE: Oh, I meant to tell you, you got her name wrong, it's Laura. [he sits down again] Hi Laura.

REMO: [to Richard] I guess we all know who the fool is.

ANNIE: Caroline, I got here as soon as the matinee was over, how are you... [she sees Caroline] ...doing?

CAROLINE: [holding up a box] I just ate twenty-four of these cookies, but they're fat-free so it's okay. [she holds up a glass; Annie takes it] Do you want some eggnog? I just made a fresh batch.

[Annie smells the contents of the glass]

ANNIE: There's nothing in here but rum.

CAROLINE: I know. But just call it eggnog, that way I don't have a problem. [Annie walks to the kitchen and makes some coffee] Anyone ever dump you before you could dump them?

ANNIE: Oh, sure! Well no, actually he didn't do it, he made his wife do it, the coward! But it still hurt, she was harsh. Caroline, you have to remain focused on the positive.

CAROLINE: That's a crock. Probably made up by some pathetic woman who talks to her cat. [to Salty] Salty? Come here, I need a hug. [Salty growls] Right, forget you! Who needs a hug when I've got these babies? [she tips the entire box of cookies into her mouth; Annie walks over and takes the box away]

ANNIE: Caroline, I think you've had enough.

CAROLINE: [with a mouthful of cookies] You're right. I have had enough. I want rvng.

ANNIE: Ah, what?

CAROLINE: Revenge.

ANNIE: Are you sure it's not just the chocolate chips talking? I mean, you did get what you wanted. Have some coffee. [she offers the cup to Caroline; Caroline ignores her]

CAROLINE: No, but you didn't see Del's big, smug, stupid, greeting card face. 'Caroline, I want to break up with you.' After all I've done for him! I-I-I...I named his nipples!

ANNIE: Coffee. [she offers her the cup again]

CAROLINE: He dumped me! I want revenge. Revenge. I want revenge. How do I get revenge?

ANNIE: You could make fun of him in your comic strip.

CAROLINE: Or, I could make fun of him in my comic strip.

ANNIE: Even better.

[Caroline picks up the phone]

CAROLINE: Thank god for speed-dial. [on phone] Hellou Lo? Hello, Lou? Uh, it's Caroline Duffy. Is it too late to replace the comic strip for tomorrow? ... [with an evil grin] Really! Well then, stop the presses ... Okay then, stop the digital processing thingy. Thanks Lou, you'll have it by six. [she hangs up]

ANNIE: Welcome to the dark side!

CAROLINE: Annie, make me some coffee. [Annie looks down at the cup in her hands, slightly bemused] Uh, okay. It's got to be something that'll really make Del suffer. [she sits down at the desk; Annie gives her the coffee] Wow, that was fast!

ANNIE: God, I have never seen you this petty. It really works for you.

CAROLINE: Okay, how 'bout this?

[Cartoon: Caroline and Del are sitting at a restaurant table]

CAROLINE: Del, I think it's time to make some changes. [she erases his nose and draws in a pig's nose]

[cut to Caroline's apartment]

ANNIE: Too wimpy.

[Caroline screws the paper up and throws it away]

CAROLINE: Alright. How 'bout this one?

[cut to cartoon]

CAROLINE: Del, I think it's time to make some changes.

[a piano falls on him]

[cut to Caroline's apartment]

ANNIE: Nah, too Roadrunner.

CAROLINE: You're right. [she throws the paper away, then smiles] I got it. All of Del's macho friends know I base these comic strips on real life, right?

ANNIE: Right.

CAROLINE: So...

[cut to cartoon]

CAROLINE: Del, I think it's time to make some changes.

DEL: I agree, and I'd like to start by revealing my true self. [he takes his clothes off to reveal a dress underneath] Caroline, how do you like my new dress?

CAROLINE: Del?

DEL: I knew it! Stripes make me look hippie, don't they?

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Caroline and Annie are laughing]

CAROLINE: I call this "Della in a Blue Dress". Simon and Garfunkel.

ANNIE: I thought that was Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels.

CAROLINE: No, Del's nipples. Simon and Garfunkel.

RICHARD: Shelly, I have something to say to you. [he starts a tape recorder and then exits]

RICHARD: [on the tape recorder] Look Shelly, I'm sorry to do this like this. I know this is the wrong way to do this, but Shelly, I really think... [the tape gets eaten; Richard enters again and takes it out of the machine]

RICHARD: Oh, perfect. Shelly, I think we should break up.

SHELLY: [excited] Really? You want to break up with me?

RICHARD: Okay, you're smiling just a little too much. This isn't like a Glenn Close thing is it?

SHELLY: No, don't you see? Statistics show that couples who break up and then get back together have the best chance of staying together forever!

RICHARD: What?

SHELLY: Richard, this is the best thing you could do for us. Now we can go off and have our foolish little flings, and realise the error of our ways, and then get back together!

RICHARD: No Shelly, you don't understand, I really want to split up!

SHELLY: Well of course, you can't get back together unless you split up duh!

RICHARD: Shelly, Shelly please...

SHELLY: I'll see you when you come to your senses. [she kisses him and takes the tape] Oh, I'm going to take this. Our grandchildren will love it! [she exits]

CAROLINE: So as far as office Christmas parties go, this one pretty much...

RICHARD: Sucks.

CAROLINE: Big time. [she stops the tape recorder]

RICHARD: Yeah. Thanks for the Christmas bonus, and uh...here. [he walks over to a pile of stuff beside the desk and picks up a present] Before I go...

CAROLINE: Richard!

RICHARD: If you make a big deal about this, you can't have it. Merry Christmas. [he gives it to her]

CAROLINE: Wow, look at this wrapping! [she sits down and starts to unwrap it carefully] I love this paper.

RICHARD: Oh, you're one of those. [he takes it off her, tears the wrapping off to reveal a painting, then gives it back]

CAROLINE: Wow. It's...it's um...

RICHARD: Paris.

CAROLINE: Paris...

RICHARD: Yeah.

CAROLINE: You painted me Paris?

RICHARD: Uh-huh. [he kneels down beside her] See, it's the Seine at sunset, seen from the Pont Neuf. I mean, I know it's a poor substitute for the real thing, but um...

CAROLINE: [teary] No Richard, it's...it's beautiful.

[Richard gets uncomfortable and stands up again]

RICHARD: And you know the best part is...no rude French people.

[they walk towards the door]

CAROLINE: So, Richard, what are your plans for Christmas?

RICHARD: Oh I don't know, I'll probably just try running from the subway to my apartment without getting killed. Like every day. What about you?

CAROLINE: Well, you know, I got myself a last minute plane ticket to Wisconsin. I figured I wasn't miserable enough, so why not surround myself with mom and dad and happily married siblings.

RICHARD: Yeah, and of course the pleasure of flying on the busiest travel day of the year. [they are now standing in the doorway] So.

CAROLINE: So...hey look, we're standing under the cilantro.

RICHARD: Yeah, I guess we should say [he imitates Shelly] goodbye!

CAROLINE: Um... [she kisses him quickly] Merry Christmas, Richard...

[Del enters]

DEL: Caroline.

CAROLINE: Del.

DEL: Richard.

RICHARD: Del.

[Annie opens her apartment door]

ANNIE: Del?

DEL: Annie.

ANNIE: Del. [she shuts the door again]

DEL: Wow, now all we need is Donner and Blitzen, we got a sleigh ride. Can I come in?

RICHARD: Uh, yeah, I'm just leaving. [to Caroline] Okay, good luck. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Del, what are you doing here?

DEL: Well, I got the feeling that things went pretty badly at lunch.

CAROLINE: No, look, Del, we don't have anything to say to each other. It's over.

DEL: Oh come on, Caroline. Even though we're not dating, can't we still be friends?

CAROLINE: I don't think you're capable of being friends.

DEL: Well, I'd like to give it a try. [takes an envelope out of his pocket] That's why I got you this.

CAROLINE: Del, you're not supposed to give me a present, we just broke up! Besides, I'm all out of fruitcake.

DEL: I'm all set! Well just, just open it.

[she does so]

CAROLINE: Plane tickets? [reads] Paris?

DEL: Yeah. I hope you find someone special to share them with, 'cause uh, you really deserve it.

CAROLINE: [realising what she's done] Del, you uh, shouldn't have. You uh...really shouldn't have.

DEL: I shouldn't have what?

CAROLINE: Picked now to do something so sweet and thoughtful.

DEL: What did you think I'd do, something small and petty?

CAROLINE: Well, you know, small and petty is an option...

[pause]

DEL: [pained] OH, oh! [the phone rings] Hello? ... No - mom, mom, mom, relax. You can't believe everything you read in the funny pages ... No, I did not take your angora sweater!