111: Caroline and the Gift

Written by Bill Prady
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Tom La Grua as Remo
Keene Kurtis as Mr. Davies
Fabiana Udenio as Donna
Wesley Thompson as Det. Sgt. Weld
Robert Miano as Pauly Brown
Andy Buckley as Rob Rothman

CROWD: Four, three, two, one...

[the ball drops; everyone cheers]

CAROLINE: You know, it's times like these that I really love New Yorkers. [she looks around and frowns] Alright, which one of you psychopaths stole my purse?!

CAROLINE: Hey Richard, how was your New Year's Eve?

RICHARD: Oh, sublime. Scott and Zelda and I shared a cab over to the Stork Club where we drank pink champagne out of Zelda's slipper.

CAROLINE: You know, a simple 'I stayed in' would've sufficed. What happened to that New Year's resolution to be a little less sarcastic?

RICHARD: What happened to your resolution to be a little less nosey?

CAROLINE: Wouldn't you like to know.

RICHARD: All I can say is, I am glad the holidays are finally over. No more holly-decked halls, no more happy children, no more mangey Santas begging on every corner. Now uh, what do you want me to start on?

CAROLINE: Next years "Caroline in the City" Christmas cards, they're due on Thursday. [she hands him a pile of drawings]

RICHARD: Come on, you have got to be kidding!

CAROLINE: I still have William Shatner's Christmas album if it'll put you in the mood.

RICHARD: Yeah, to climb up a clock tower and thin out the neighbourhood.

[Annie enters, looking extremely tired]

ANNIE: [shaky] I need coffee. And an IV bag. [she walks over to the counter and leans on the cooktop]

CAROLINE: Happy 1996, Annie.

ANNIE: Oh good, I didn't sleep through it. Hey, you didn't stay 'til the end of my New Year's party.

CAROLINE: Sorry, I just couldn't make a three day commitment.

ANNIE: Yeah, but you missed a really great party - three police cars. Caroline, this is still on! [she pulls her hands off the cooktop; Caroline walks over and turns it off] Oh oh, and I met a guy! Rob Rothman.

CAROLINE: Wow, what's he like?

ANNIE: I have no idea. I was hoping you would remember him.

CAROLINE: Wait, you know his name but you don't know what he looks like?

RICHARD: Oh, interesting variation. Usually she knows what they look like and can't remember their names.

ANNIE: Well, I guess I had a tad too much punch! But he called this morning, and thanked me for the party, and wanted to know if we were still on tonight. I mean, what was I going to say? 'I don't remember you'? I'd sound like some blackout drunk, [to Richard] shut up!

CAROLINE: So you're going out with some guy you don't remember?

ANNIE: Well, he sounded cute on the phone.

RICHARD: Oh, great. When you turn up in a Hefty bag in New Jersey we'll be sure to tell the cops to look for someone with a cute voice.

ANNIE: Oh, Richard, bite me! Well, there goes that resolution. [she picks up a jewellery box from the coffee table] Hmm, I knew I smelled jewellery, and I think it's gone bad. [she takes out a pair of earrings] On what part of your body do you put these? [she looks down and considers it]

CAROLINE: I know they're a little bit iffy, but I can't return them 'cause Del gave them to me for Christmas.

ANNIE: Are you kidding? [in a high-pitched voice] Return us, please! We want to go back to the store, we're ugly!

CAROLINE: I can't return them. Del would notice.

ANNIE: Caroline, this is Del we're talking about. He didn't even notice when you burned your eyebrows off.

CAROLINE: True, hmm. I'll just put them over here so they won't scare the cat. [she puts them in her purse. The phone rings; she answers it] Hello? ... Hold on a second. [in a sexy voice] Richard, are you in for Donna?

RICHARD: Oh, yes yes, I'll take it. [on phone] This is Richard Karinsky.

ANNIE: [in a sexy voice] Who's Donna?

CAROLINE: I don't know. It's the New Year, I'm not nosey any more.

RICHARD: [on phone] Yeah, well, we can start on my lunch hour. I'll meet you at my place at one, that's four-seventeen-and-a-half East Sixth Street ... Yeah, the buzzer's out, but conveniently so's the front door. Now, the agency did discuss my fee with you, considering my other employer pays me squat ... Good. Alright then, see you shortly. [he hangs up]

CAROLINE: Did he just say 'fee' and 'my place'?

ANNIE: Caroline, do not judge! The profession of gigolo is noble and time-honoured.

RICHARD: Must you always look at the world through tramp-coloured glasses? I have registered with an artist's agency, and Donna is my first client. She is going to pay me five hundred dollars to paint her.

CAROLINE: Wow, Richard, this'll be your first real sale!

ANNIE: Hold on. You can paint people that look like people? [Caroline gives her a look] What? You've seen his paintings!

RICHARD: Despite my preference for the abstract, I am perfectly capable of realistically depicting the human form. Especially when there's five hundred dollars involved.

CAROLINE: Human form as in nude?

RICHARD: Yes.

ANNIE: Oh, so Richie, what do you do, you get 'em up to your place, set up the old easel, and...work those oils? [she wriggles around provocatively in her chair]

RICHARD: Annie, I am a professional. One body is the same as the next. Of all people, I should think you would understand that.

RICHARD: Perfect. Absolutely perfect. [he turns around to get something]

DONNA: Alright. [she takes her dress off; Richard turns around and sees her and snaps the paintbrush he is holding]

CAROLINE: My boyfriend gave me these earrings for Christmas. I feel a little guilty about this, but I'd like to return them.

MR DAVIES: Did your boyfriend give you the receipt?

CAROLINE: Well actually, he's not really my boyfriend anymore. We broke up, we're just friends.

MR DAVIES: Madam, at Frank & Sons our focus is entirely on the receipt, rather than the nature of your relationship.

CAROLINE: No receipt, but it is a Frank & Sons box.

MR DAVIES: [annoyed] Alright, I guess I can look it up. [he does so]

ANNIE: [quietly] Do you think he's in a bad mood 'cause someone else got to be Queen of England?

MR DAVIES: Yes, these are from Frank & Sons. Unfortunately they were on sale, so I will only be able to give you store credit.

CAROLINE: On sale, how thrifty. Could you show me something else in the same price range?

ANNIE: Yeah, preferably something from the non-ugly section.

[Mr Davies takes something out of a display cabinet]

MR DAVIES: These are rather nice, they're Australian black opals. Or if you prefer something other than earrings, here's a sapphire pendant with two little tourmalines.

CAROLINE: Wait wait wait. How much did those earrings cost?

MR DAVIES: One thousand, two hundred forty-three dollars.

[Annie picks up the box and looks at the earrings in amazement]

CAROLINE: Del spent one thousand two hundred and forty-three dollars on my Christmas present?

ANNIE: Isn't it weird how ugly jewellery is so much more attractive when you find out how much it's worth? Much like men.

MR DAVIES: Indeed. [Caroline and Annie give him a dubious look; he gets uncomfortable] If you wait here, I'll go into the back room and bring you some other selections. [he exits]

CAROLINE: Annie, Del spent twelve hundred dollars on earrings for me. That's six hundred dollars a lobe. We're friends, that's not a friend's gift. [she takes the box] I've got to give these back to him tonight.

[Mr Davies enters]

MR DAVIES: Here we have a twenty-five diamond tennis bracelet.

CAROLINE: Um, sir, I... [she sees the bracelet and practically starts drooling] Wow...

ANNIE: You always did want to take up tennis.

CAROLINE: Oh god, I love this.

ANNIE: Then exchange the earrings for this!

CAROLINE: But I can't. What kind of message would that send Del?

ANNIE: 'Hey Del, here's how you spend twelve hundred dollars!'

CAROLINE: I can't, I can't, I just can't.

MR DAVIES: So then we're not taking the bracelet?

ANNIE: Alright, give the earrings back to Del, and just buy this for yourself.

CAROLINE: [holding the bracelet up to her wrist] Well, it does seem to like me.

MR DAVIES: So then we are taking the bracelet.

ANNIE: Come on, you never do anything for yourself.

CAROLINE: It just seems so selfish.

ANNIE: Alright, you buy something for Del that costs the same, you keep the bracelet for yourself; then nobody's selfish, everybody's generous, and you've got twenty-five new best friends.

CAROLINE: Annie, that's a total rationalisation.

ANNIE: Thank you.

CAROLINE: No, thank you.

MR DAVIES: Are we taking the damned bracelet?

CAROLINE: [imitating his English accent] Yes, we're taking the damned bracelet. And I'd like to see some men's watches in the same price range, please.

MR DAVIES: Very good.

ANNIE: Oh, and a necklace that would go with something like this... [she indicates her outfit; Caroline gives her a look] Well, as long as you're being generous.

ANNIE: [on phone] Hey Jennie, it's Annie. You were at my New Year's Eve party, right? Did you see me talking to a guy that looked sort of Rob Rothman-y?

CAROLINE: Oh god, I shouldn't have done this...

ANNIE: [on phone] Oh, okay. Wait, hang on, call waiting. [she pushes a button on the phone] [in an Italian accent] Remo's Ristorante ... Table for four, uh, I don't know-

REMO: Give me the phone. [he takes it off her] And I don't talk like that. [on phone, in the same accent] Remo's Ristorante...

CAROLINE: Actually, diamonds are a very reasonable purchase. If there's a nuclear war, I can trade this for meat.

ANNIE: Would you stop with the justifying already?

CAROLINE: Yeah, you're right. Del and I are going to a movie tonight, but before we go I'm going to sit him down, give him this, [she points to a small bag] tell him that we're not getting back together again and that this is the last time we exchange expensive presents.

ANNIE: Boy, Del really made out on this break-up. No sex, but he still gets to discuss the relationship. [Richard and Donna enter; Donna is in front] Oh, look at Richard!

CAROLINE: Where?

ANNIE: On the other side of those breasts.

CAROLINE: Wow. That must be the woman he's painting nude.

ANNIE: Oh yeah, what were his other two wishes?

[Caroline gives Richard a thumbs-up; he signals for her to leave them alone]

REMO: Richardo, good to see you.

RICHARD: Remo, two for lunch. Uh, do you have a nice table? I'm entertaining a client.

REMO: Well, we are a little busy.

DONNA: Don't you have something near the window?

REMO: No, I... [he turns around and sees her] Yes, of course! One moment please, Mr Karinsky. [to a waiter] Mario! [he and Mario start moving the people by the window to another table] I'm so sorry Madam I got to take this table I got to move you to another table a table that has a much better view because over here you see is not like over there where the window is like a magnifying glass and the sun comes through, so...bye. [he walks back over to Caroline and Annie]

CAROLINE: Remo, I haven't seen you run that fast since the Board of Health guy ordered ratatouille.

REMO: That's very funny, Carolina, but Richard's client happens to date a very important businessman.

ANNIE: Really? Business as in... [she does a hand signal]

REMO: Mm-hmm.

[they start to communicate in hand signals]

ANNIE: You sure?

REMO: Absolutely.

ANNIE: [to Caroline] Okay, we're out of here.

CAROLINE: Wait wait wait, can you explain this to me? I left my secret Italian decoder ring in my other purse.

ANNIE: I will explain it outside.

[they exit, walking past the window where Richard and Donna are sitting]

DONNA: You know, back in Sorrento my father presses his own olive oil. When I was born he planted a tree. [Caroline walks back up to the window, pointing to Donna and frantically doing hand signals] It was a pear tree, but he traded the pears for olives.

[Richard pulls the curtain across and continues to listen to Donna; Annie drags Caroline away]

RICHARD: So, Donna, do you miss Rome?

DONNA: Oh, no. All that traffic and noise and pollution, and rude people.

RICHARD: Oh, I can see why you moved to New York. [Donna sneezes and accidentally moves her hand] Gesundheit.

DONNA: It's a little cold in here.

RICHARD: [quickly] I hadn't noticed, I swear!

DONNA: I'm sorry, was my hand like this or like this? [she indicates the different positions]

RICHARD: Doesn't matter, I'm painting the fruit bowl.

DONNA: Huh. Then why do I have to sit here without my clothes on?

RICHARD: Uh...for the shadow.

[knock at door]

CAROLINE: [from outside] Richard, it's Caroline.

RICHARD: Donna, look, this'll just take a second. Why don't you throw on your coat and help yourself to a nipple...an apple? [he opens the door]

CAROLINE: Hi.

RICHARD: What are you doing here, Caroline?

CAROLINE: Richard, I have to talk to you out in the hall.

RICHARD: Caroline, I'm very busy.

CAROLINE: Now.

[Richard sighs, then exits]

[pause]

RICHARD: [from outside] What?! [they enter again] Donna, I'm sorry, we're going to have to call this off. My wife gets very jealous.

CAROLINE: I can't believe you! Bringing another one of your women up here, while I'm at home feeding little Richard. And on our anniversary! [to Donna] He's not even a painter, you know. He's a beast! [she slaps him; he looks shocked]

RICHARD: Donna, I'm sorry, I think you should go.

DONNA: Hey, I understand. I'm Italian. Happy anniversary. [she exits]

RICHARD: Thanks.

CAROLINE: You're welcome.

RICHARD: The slap was a bit much.

CAROLINE: That was for ignoring me at the restaurant.

ANNIE: Maybe Sister Mary Agnes was right, maybe I am just rotten to the core.

[Caroline enters and sees Richard lying on the floor]

CAROLINE: Annie, did you the balloon thing again?

ANNIE: Yeah. I couldn't help it, it's so much fun. I'm going to get more balloons. Oh, and Richard, [Terminator impression] I'll be back. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Richard, why are you so nervous? Donna's gone.

RICHARD: Caroline, I spent the afternoon with a mobster's girlfriend, and she was naked! I mean, come on, they cut off your tongue if you squeal. God only knows what they cut off for this!

[knock at door]

RICHARD: [whispers] Ask who it is.

CAROLINE: Who is it?

DEL: [from outside, in a deep voice] Pizza delivery.

RICHARD: Did you order a pizza?

CAROLINE: No.

DEL: Guys, Caroline, come on, it's Del!

[Richard opens the door]

RICHARD: What kind of a sick joke is that?!

DEL: [to Caroline] Alright, this is part of the artistic temperament thing that I just don't get.

CAROLINE: Cut Richard a little slack. He has a 'situation'.

DEL: What's going on?

RICHARD: I think it's better if we don't discuss it.

DEL: Okay, I was just being polite anyway. [to Caroline] Get your coat. The movie starts in twenty minutes, I hate to miss the beginning. I'm double parked outside. [he opens the door; Detective Sergeant Weld and another policeman are standing there]

WELD: Excuse me. [he holds up his badge] New York City Police Department.

DEL: Oh, come on you guys, give me a break! I've been up here like two minutes!

WELD: We're looking for a Mr Richard Karinsky.

CAROLINE: Why?

RICHARD: Because my life is like a Kafka novel.

WELD: Mr Karinsky, I'm Detective Sergeant Weld, this is Detective Kauffman.

DEL: What's going on?

WELD: We're wondering if you could do us a favour, sir.

RICHARD: Something tells me you don't want a squad portrait painted.

WELD: If only we had the budget. Actually, it's about a portrait you're currently painting.

RICHARD: Wait wait wait, how did you know I was painting that?

WELD: We've had Donna under surveillance for some time. We're trying to serve a warrant on her boyfriend, Pauly Brown. We were hoping you could help us.

RICHARD: I don't know, I mean, you guys have all the guns and the cars with lights. I think you're better equipped.

DEL: Oh man, this is so cool! I have absolutely no idea what's going on here, but this is still so cool.

WELD: We were hoping you could resume the painting. We'll put the word out, when he shows up, we'll catch him.

CAROLINE: You can't ask Richard to put himself in danger.

WELD: Ma'am, arresting Mr Brown will take Mr Karinsky out of danger.

CAROLINE: [under her breath] Damn, ouch...

RICHARD: Okay, look, this is fine. I can do this.

CAROLINE: Richard, I'm going to call you in an hour, and if you don't answer, I'm coming over.

RICHARD: Caroline, you're a cartoonist. What are you going to do, draw the chalk outline around me?

WELD: Sorry, she can't. It's a union job.

[they exit]

DEL: Wow. So, uh...would it be totally insensitive of us to go out and see a movie now and enjoy ourselves?

CAROLINE: Well, we can see a movie, but we can't enjoy ourselves.

DEL: Okay, in that case, you pick.

CAROLINE: But before we go, here's you're Christmas present a week late. [she gives it to him] But I want to talk to you before you open it. [the phone rings] Just a sec. [she answers the phone; Del starts to open his present] Hello?

MR DAVIES: Miss Duffy?

CAROLINE: Yes.

MR DAVIES: [quietly] This is Mr Davies of Frank & Sons, the jeweller. I'm afraid I made a bit of an error on those earrings you brought in.

CAROLINE: Why are you whispering?

MR DAVIES: I don't want the sons to hear.

CAROLINE: Oh. [whispers] Okay.

MR DAVIES: No, you don't have to whisper, I do! Now, we sell the earrings you brought in in two versions - one is eighteen carat with diamonds, the other is gold plate with diamondettes.

CAROLINE: What are you saying?

MR DAVIES: The earrings you brought in are worth seventy-five dollars.

CAROLINE: What?

[in the jewellery store, a man enters]

MR DAVIES: Got to go. It's the nosey son. [he hangs up; Caroline looks over and sees Del has opened his present]

CAROLINE: Del, no, wait!

DEL: [looking at the watch] Caroline, my god, it's incredible!

CAROLINE: No Del, you don't understand.

DEL: I think I do, Caroline. It's obvious, it's just...I don't know how to say this, but now that we've broken up, I don't think it's appropriate for you to give me an expensive gift like this.

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I could return it.

DEL: No no, I love it. But after this, okay, no more expensive gifts.

DONNA: So, your wife is going to be okay with this?

RICHARD: Oh yes, yes. Now that she's back in the hospital they can regulate her medication, and she can finally finish her macaroni sculptures.

DONNA: What about your son?

RICHARD: Between you and me, I don't think he's mine.

[knock at door]

PAULY: [from outside] Hey Donna, are you in there?

DONNA: Oh my god! It's Pauly! I didn't want him to find me here!

RICHARD: [scared] I didn't want him to find you here either. [Pauly enters] [brightly] Well, come in!

PAULY: [to Donna] I got a call that you were here.

DONNA: Pauly! Hi, honey.

[Pauly sees the painting]

PAULY: Oh my god!

RICHARD: Oh my god, oh my god, he said 'Oh my god'!

PAULY: I don't believe this! [Richard runs out the door] It's freakin' beautiful!

[Richard enters again]

RICHARD: You like it?

DONNA: Of course he likes it, it's me - naked! [to Pauly] Now your birthday surprise is completely ruined. [she hits him on the arm] Why do you always do this?

PAULY: Ow! No hitting! [to Richard] Hey look, I don't know what she's paying you, but you deserve more. [he takes out a wad of money] How's two grand?

RICHARD: What?!

PAULY: You're right. Four.

WELD: [from outside] Mr Karinsky!

RICHARD: Go away! [he closes the door]

PAULY: Who was that?

RICHARD: Oh, that's nobody. Now, you were saying, four thousand dollars?

[knock at door]

WELD: [from outside] Mr Karinsky.

[Richard opens the door a little way]

RICHARD: No trouble, officer. Everything's fine. Bye bye. [he tries to close the door but Detective Sergeant Weld pushes it open]

PAULY: Oh, Detective Weld, not again!

WELD: Yeah, again.

WELD & PAULY: You have the right to remain silent.

RICHARD: Look, officer, he's really not such a bad guy. I mean, he supports the arts. He just gave me four thousand dollars.

WELD: Mr Karinsky, that's dirty money. [he takes it off Richard; Richard takes it back again]

RICHARD: I'll clean it!

[Detective Sergeant Weld takes the money again]

PAULY: Hey, I saw you trying to do the right thing. I want you to know we won't forget this. You're family now, and we'll always be there.

DONNA: He means it, too!

[they exit]

DEL: I love this new watch! Okay, did you know it is nine eighteen AM in Tokyo right now, and Richard's been sulking for one hour and twelve minutes.

RICHARD: Four thousand dollars. I had it in my hands.

DEL: Hey, you want to know how much yen that's worth?

ANNIE: Okay, you guys know the drill. If this Rob Rothman guy is a dud, you stay put, but if I like him, I'll give you the usual signal.

DEL: What's the usual signal?

CAROLINE: She opens his baked potato with her tongue.

[Remo walks up to their table]

REMO: More coffee?

ALL: No.

REMO: Signor Del, that watch! Bellissimo!

DEL: Oh, it's a Christmas gift from Caroline. [quietly] She's having a little trouble letting go.

[Rob enters]

ROB: Annie.

ANNIE: [obviously attracted to him] Rob!

REMO: One baked potato coming up. [he exits]

ANNIE: Have a seat over here. [they sit down at the table] This is Caroline, Del, and Richard; this is Rob Rothman.

CAROLINE: Hi!

ROB: Hi. Nice to meet you. [to Annie] Okay, if you have your receipts, we can get started.

ANNIE: Receipts?

ROB: To do your taxes.

ANNIE: Taxes?

ROB: At your party, you said 'This year I don't want to wait until March, this year I want to do my taxes right away'. Then you sang "Shot the Monkey".

ANNIE: So you're not here for a date?

ROB: Oh, no. I don't think my wife would like that.

CAROLINE: Well, I can see you two want to be alone. Remo, cheque please.

REMO: It's on the house. Word on the street is Richardo...is family. [he kisses Richard's hand]