112: Caroline and the Married Man

Written by Wil Calhoun
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Beau Gravitte as Tom Barna
Tom La Grua as Remo
Jessie Jones as Receptionist

RICHARD: So the kangaroo says, 'And at these prices, you won't get any more kangaroos in here'.

REMO: [dubious] That's very interesting.

RICHARD: That's a joke.

REMO: Oh come on, I figured that out when the kangaroo started talking. Since when do you tell jokes?

RICHARD: Since I'm working on my people skills.

REMO: Oh.

RICHARD: Look Remo, I have a very important meeting in a few minutes with a member of the TriBeCa Arts Council, and it's come to my attention that some people find me a bit, uh...standoff-ish.

REMO: No, that's crazy! You're not standoff-ish. You're boring.

RICHARD: Remo, your candour is uplifting.

REMO: Ah well, that's because I've got people skills.

[Tom enters]

RICHARD: Here he is now. Mr Barna? Hello, over here.

[Tom walks over to Richard's table; Remo walks over to Johnny]

JOHNNY: Hey boss, we've got a problem back here.

REMO: What sort of problem?

JOHNNY: You know that espresso machine we got cheap because the guy said it fell off a truck?

REMO: Sure sure, so?

JOHNNY: Boss, it really did fall off a truck. It's back here in like eight pieces.

[Remo mutters in Italian]

REMO: You see? You can't trust people.

[cut to Richard and Tom]

TOM: Let me just tell you off the bat, I loved the sketches you came up with for the Reisman Building.

RICHARD: I got the commission? I got the job? [he stands up] Remo, champagne for everyone! [everyone looks at him] At this table. [he sits down again]

TOM: Richard-

RICHARD: Tom, you don't understand, I mean, this is my first real sale. I cannot believe this!

TOM: Yeah Richard, first-

RICHARD: Tom, I can't let you talk because you're going to tell me I didn't the commission, and I've had a really disappointing life and I couldn't handle another rejection.

TOM: No, no, it's not a rejection. It's down to you and two other people.

RICHARD: So you're saying I have a sixty-six percent chance of being rejected.

TOM: Well, I never thought of it that way.

RICHARD: Welcome to my world.

[cut to the street. Caroline and Annie walk past a couple who are making out]

ANNIE: Oh, I hate her.

CAROLINE: Yeah, it's been a while for me too.

ANNIE: No, I want her shoes. I had sex last night.

CAROLINE: Oh. Then I hate you. [they go into Remo's] Johnny, is our takeout ready?

JOHNNY: Momento. Annie, I talked to my cousin Francesco. [he takes a photo out of his pocket]

ANNIE: No.

JOHNNY: I got a picture of him with the hair plugs.

ANNIE: No.

JOHNNY: They're mostly grown in!

ANNIE: No.

JOHNNY: Carolina, now that you're not seeing Mr Del-

CAROLINE: No.

JOHNNY: Okay, but somebody's kissing off a Cadillac dealership in Hoboken. [he exits]

ANNIE: Maybe we should stay here and join Richard. Look at that great guy he's with.

CAROLINE: Must be the guy he's meeting from the Arts Council. [they wave to him] Richard, hi. [Richard moves a potted plant over so he can't see them] Isn't he cute when he tries to ignore us?

ANNIE: Let's go screw with his head.

[they walk over to the table]

RICHARD: Oh no. Look, I apologise for whatever's about to happen.

ANNIE: Hey, Sparkie.

CAROLINE: Sorry, I should have cracked the window and left her in the car. [Tom gets up] No no, don't get up, we were just going to say hello... [she is obviously attracted to him]

TOM: Hi, I'm Tom Barna.

CAROLINE: I'm Caroline Duffy.

ANNIE: I'm double jointed.

TOM: Wait a minute, Caroline Duffy? Of "Caroline in the City"?

CAROLINE: Yeah, that's me.

TOM: Really? I love that comic strip. It's so smart, so sophisticated...

CAROLINE: And on Sundays, so colourful.

TOM: You're the only one who can make me laugh about living in New York.

CAROLINE: Where're you from?

TOM: Oh, just a small town in Idaho.

CAROLINE: I'm from a small town in Wisconsin.

ANNIE: Oh, Wisconsin cheese, Idaho potatoes. Don't you two make a lovely side dish?

CAROLINE: I'm sorry, we didn't mean to interrupt you.

RICHARD: Then why did you come over here?

ANNIE: You know, Tom, we kid around a lot, but Richard is really a wonderful- [Johnny whistles to them] Oh, food. See ya.

CAROLINE: [to Richard] See you at the office. [to Tom] Um, nice meeting you, Tom, it was really great. [she walks away; her umbrella catches on a chair and she trips over] Sorry! [she gets up, grins sheepishly and exits]

TOM: Wow, she's a lot prettier than her cartoon.

RICHARD: Hey, you should see Nancy in person. That Sluggo is a lucky guy.

TOM: So, Richard, is uh, is Caroline, you know, seeing anybody?

RICHARD: Just her cat, but between you and me, I think the cat's trying to get out of it.

TOM: So I guess it'd be really tacky if I asked for Caroline's phone number.

RICHARD: Well, would it help my chances of getting the commission from the Arts Council?

TOM: Actually it would. [he laughs] I'm kidding.

RICHARD: Yeah, I know. Me too. [pause] 212-874...

RICHARD: Caroline, will you hurry up? You're going to be late.

CAROLINE: [from upstairs] I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming...

ANNIE: Hey, pompous boy. Five letters, Greek, love without sex.

RICHARD: Agape. And I'm not surprised you didn't know that.

ANNIE: Hey, at least I'm not pimping my friend to get a job.

RICHARD: Excuse me? Excuse me, I am not pimping.

[Caroline comes down the stairs]

CAROLINE: Richard? [she shows off her outfit]

RICHARD: Where's your cleavage?

CAROLINE: I left it in my other dress. Richard, come on. What do you want me to do, wear a sign that says 'These are my breasts, don't take your eyes off them'?

ANNIE: Oh, I have that sign if you need it.

RICHARD: No no no, I think you're right, yeah, you look great.

CAROLINE: Thank you.

RICHARD: Alright look, I really appreciate your doing this for me. Here you go. [he helps her with her coat]

CAROLINE: Yeah, sending me out on a date with a handsome guy. Just don't let it ever happen again.

RICHARD: You think he's handsome?

CAROLINE: Well, if he isn't, he's the best looking ugly guy I've ever seen.

ANNIE: Okay, this is really important now. It's been a while since you've been out there, so don't do anything you don't want to do, huh? Just have a nice evening of agape.

RICHARD: Now look, just remember to work into the conversation that I'm in demand, I have a lot of other offers, and he better snap me now up while I'm still cheap.

CAROLINE: Isn't that funny, that's what I was going to say about myself.

ANNIE: Hey, this is also important. It's your first date in the post-Del era, right? So there's a few rules we should go over. Number one, he pays. Number two...yeah, I guess there's just one rule. [Caroline exits] Boy, they grow up so fast, don't they?

CHARLIE: Okay, back, back, back, you've got tons of room, Del, back, back... [Del backs up and hits the bumper of the car behind him] Perfect!

[cut to Caroline and Tom, who are walking down the street]

CAROLINE: You know, it's weird. Even though I make a good living, I still feel like I have to make excuses for dropping out of college.

TOM: Oh come on, anyone can go to college to get a boring desk job in a big building. You dropped out to become a cartoonist.

CAROLINE: No, actually I dropped out to get a boring desk job in a big building. I was a copywriter, but I was so bored. I ended up doodling on my deskpad all day, until someone finally noticed. Unfortunately it was my boss, and he fired me. Then there were those two years of doing soft-core porno films.

TOM: Excuse me?

CAROLINE: I just wanted to see it you were listening.

[cut back to Del and Charlie. Del is about to lock the car]

CHARLIE: Wait wait, let me do it, let me do it, let me do it. [he takes the keys off Del] Stand back. [he locks it; the car alarm blips] Oh, that was great. I don't know about you, but I could use a smoke.

[they start walking and meet up with Caroline and Tom]

CAROLINE: Del! Charlie!

DEL: Caroline!

CHARLIE: And another guy, whoo! That's got to hurt, huh?

CAROLINE: Tom, Del was my, uh...

DEL: But then we, we uh...

CAROLINE: And first it was him, but then...

DEL: But she was going to...first...

CAROLINE: And...but...that's Charlie.

CHARLIE: I never slept with her!

CAROLINE: Tom is my new...friend.

DEL: Uh, well, nice to meet you. Always nice to meet new friends.

CHARLIE: You can't meet friends, you can only meet strangers, then they become friends. Well, not all of them. Some of them, they just want to throw lit matches at you. Don't get me started, don't get me started.

DEL: So anyway, how did you two strangers meet?

TOM: Through Richard, he introduced us.

CHARLIE: Ah...

DEL: Ah, good old Richard. That's nice.

[everyone is uncomfortable]

TOM: So.

DEL: Well, uh...

CAROLINE: Yup.

CHARLIE: Boy, you can just cut it with a knife, can't you?

DEL: Yeah, you know, I never know what I'm supposed to do in these awkward moments.

CHARLIE: I think you're supposed to shuffle your feet, and you stare at the ground for a few seconds, and then say goodbye.

[they all do so]

CAROLINE: Bye.

CHARLIE: Bye!

DEL: Hey! What's the matter with you?

RICHARD: Are you talking about my childhood, or did you have something more specific in mind?

DEL: How could you set Caroline up with some other guy? Guys aren't supposed to do that to other guys. It's a simple basic understanding among men.

RICHARD: You're not going to report me, are you? I'd hate to have my treehouse privileges revoked.

DEL: I'm not kidding, Richard. Where are your loyalties? You don't set a guy's ex-girlfriend up with other men!

RICHARD: Well I'm sorry, where is this written?

DEL: In your DNA! Remo, tell him.

REMO: It's true. When a man breaks up, he is entitled to two or three attempts at reconciliation before things are officially dead.

RICHARD: I didn't realise you were thinking about a reconciliation.

DEL: Well...I hadn't decided yet, but you kind of threw a wrench into things, didn't you?

JOHNNY: It's true. A man has up to six months to make a decision. In Napoli, it's two years.

REMO: And in Sicily, it's forever.

DEL: So, by my calculations, you know, I still have quite a lot of time.

RICHARD: Uh, does anybody tell the women about these rules?

REMO: It's hopeless.

DEL: Hopeless!

JOHNNY: Do you tell a football what time the game is? Come on!

RICHARD: Where have you been? It's two thirty in the morning!

CAROLINE: Mom?

RICHARD: So, it would've killed you to call?

CAROLINE: Richard, what are you doing here so late?

RICHARD: I've been worried sick!

CAROLINE: That is really sweet.

RICHARD: Well, Tom is a busy man. I mean, how can he decide about my fate if he hasn't gotten any sleep? [Caroline hangs up her coat and walks into the apartment; Richard follows her expectantly] So, you know, did he talk about me at all, you know? Did you guys talk about me, Caroline?

CAROLINE: Hmm, let me see, let me see, uh...

RICHARD: Uh-huh?

CAROLINE: You know, he did mention something about, Richard...

RICHARD: Yes, yes?

CAROLINE: A mural...

RICHARD: Yes, good.

CAROLINE: [deliberately slow] Oh, wow, look at that trash. I think I should just take that out right now... [she picks up the rubbish bag; Richard grabs it off her, runs to the door and throws it into the hallway]

RICHARD: It's out! What'd he say? Tell me, tell me now!

CAROLINE: Tom's going to recommend you.

RICHARD: What?

CAROLINE: Yes. He's going to recommend you, and the Council follows his lead. All you have to do is bring in a couple of sketches tomorrow and they'll take it from there.

RICHARD: So...this is real, then?

CAROLINE: Yes.

RICHARD: This is really going to happen?

CAROLINE: Yes.

[Richard picks her up by the waist and lifts her into the air]

RICHARD: YES! [he quickly puts her down and steps back] Oh, I'm sorry, that'll never happen again.

CAROLINE: Richard, it's okay to be happy. This is big.

RICHARD: Big? Caroline, this is huge! I got to go, I got to start working on these sketches right now. [he walks towards the door]

CAROLINE: Richard, congratulations.

RICHARD: You know what? We should celebrate, uh, maybe tomorrow night.

CAROLINE: Oh, um, Tom's coming over for dinner tomorrow night.

RICHARD: Oh, Caroline, you don't have to go out with him again. Your work is done.

CAROLINE: Actually, I'm going out with him for me. We had a really great time tonight.

RICHARD: Really?

CAROLINE: Yeah, he's really funny. We went to see "Les Miserables", and we got kicked out for laughing. Then we snuck into the second half of "Victor/Victoria". I guess we just saw Victoria.

RICHARD: Sounds like a lot of fun, so uh...so you really like him, then?

CAROLINE: Yeah, I do.

RICHARD: Oh...oh, that's great, that's great. Well, goodnight.

CAROLINE: Goodnight, Richard. [she starts walking up the stairs]

RICHARD: Oh, Caroline, uh... [Caroline turns around] Goodnight.

CAROLINE: Goodnight. Congratulations. [she exits; Richard looks downcast]

ANNIE: Caroline?

CAROLINE: On the floor.

ANNIE: Ooh, your date's here already?

[Caroline stands up]

CAROLINE: I lost my earring.

ANNIE: Oh, well here, take mine. [she takes them off and gives them to Caroline]

CAROLINE: Annie, those are mine.

ANNIE: Well, I bought 'em for you. [she walks into the kitchen] Mmm, smells like someone's making her Chicken del Fuago.

CAROLINE: Yeah well, Tom's kinda special.

ANNIE: Must be, if you're making your lucky chicken.

CAROLINE: It's not a lucky chicken.

ANNIE: Oh? Howcome every time you make it, the guy gets lucky?

CAROLINE: That's not true. Come on, like, a nice meal sets a nice mood, and whatever happens, happens.

ANNIE: I think you're working too hard, I get the same result with gum.

[the oven timer goes off; Caroline opens the oven]

CAROLINE: Come on now, help me untie the legs.

ANNIE: Oh, okay, but you're really going to have to learn to do this on your own. I'm not going to be here later.

RECEPTIONIST: Hello, can I help you?

RICHARD: Yes, I'm Richard Karinsky.

RECEPTIONIST: Uh-huh?

RICHARD: I'm the one doing the mural on the Reisman Building.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh right, the painter.

RICHARD: Uh, artist.

RECEPTIONIST: What's the difference?

RICHARD: I don't have to wear a little white hat. Mr Barna asked me to drop off these sketches.

RECEPTIONIST: Oh yes, I think Mr Barna wants to speak with you. He's with his wife right now, can you wait?

RICHARD: Oh, yes of course, I'll just have a seat. [he sits down, then gets up again] I'm sorry, did you say his wife? Did you say he's in there with his wife?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, it should just be a minute.

RICHARD: This wife character, this is the present wife?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes.

RICHARD: Not an ex, former or estranged wife, but the wife that he, Tom Barna, is in fact legally married to at the present time?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes.

RICHARD: Oh boy. Uh, you know what, he's going to be in there for a while. Maybe I should just come back some other time- [Mrs Barna enters; Richard quickly sits down and hides behind his folder]

RECEPTIONIST: Goodnight, Mrs Barna.

[Mrs Barna walks down the hallway; the elevator opens and Richard runs into it, but then Tom enters]

TOM: Richard.

RICHARD: Tom, hi! [he steps out of the elevator] Hi! You know, I just got here, just now, this very second. Oh, so this is your office. Yeah, I should have known you were an upper floor guy.

TOM: So, I can't wait to see your sketches.

RICHARD: Yeah. [he gives Tom the folder]

TOM: Listen Richard, I really want to thank you for introducing me to Caroline.

RICHARD: Oh yeah, Caroline, she's great, but do you know who I think really likes you? [he points to the receptionist and whispers] This one, I think she really likes you.

TOM: She's my aunt.

RICHARD: Which is why she's so fond of you.

TOM: Listen, I'm having dinner with Caroline tonight. What kind of wine should I bring?

RICHARD: Oh, for Caroline? Red, white, scotch, she'll drink anything. I mean, in a pinch, I've seen her do shots of aftershave.

TOM: You know what I can't stop thinking about? Her eyes. Have you ever noticed her eyes, Richard?

RICHARD: Drugs.

TOM: Well listen, I got to tell you, with these sketches you're a shoe-in at the meeting tomorrow. Why don't you just leave them with me, and-

RICHARD: Tom, Tom, Tom, I have to tell you the truth. I am really uncomfortable with this, I don't think that you-

TOM: Richard, I understand. Your whole life could change tomorrow, and that's scary. Andrew Barron had the same problem.

RICHARD: The guy who did the mural on the old Armoury Building?

TOM: Yeah, he was afraid of success too, but fourteen gallery showings later and he's a happy man living in Greece.

RICHARD: Greece? The pretty part?

TOM: His own villa. Listen, why don't I take these and I will call you tomorrow as soon as we make our decision. [he exits]

RICHARD: [to the receptionist] Excuse me, does this elevator go straight to hell or do I switch in the lobby?

DEL: [to a Cat] Annie? [to another Cat] Annie? [he realises it's a guy] Ugh! [to another Cat] Annie?

ANNIE: Del?

DEL: Annie!

ANNIE: What are you doing here? Is there an emergency?

DEL: Yeah! I went by your place to drop off those CDs you wanted, and you know what I smelled coming from under Caroline's door?

ANNIE: You smelled under Caroline's door?

DEL: [hurt] She's making this guy Chicken del Fuago.

ANNIE: That's the emergency?

DEL: She's only gone out with him once!

ANNIE: Del, she is not your girlfriend any more.

DEL: I know, Annie, I thought I'd be cool about this, but then when I ran into Caroline and this guy on West Broadway yesterday...I don't know, I didn't think it'd bother me, it's just... [sadly] I don't know.

ANNIE: Del, you're the one who broke up with Caroline. I mean, you had to know that sooner or later some other guy was going to try her del Fuago.

DEL: I know, Annie, I know. I guess it's just going to take some getting used to. I didn't think I'd miss her this much. [a female Cat walks past and waves at Del] Who is that?

ANNIE: And so the healing begins.

TOM: That chicken was great.

CAROLINE: It's nothing special.

TOM: [looking at the calendar on the fridge] Wait a minute, "Caroline in the City" calendars? I didn't know you had these. I love this!

CAROLINE: Well take it. I've got eight more boxes of stuff upstairs, you want to take a look? [pause] Did I just invite you up to my bedroom to look at my merchandise? I'd better just make you some coffee, huh?

[Tom kisses her]

RICHARD: [to a Cat] Annie? [to another Cat] Annie? [to another Cat] Annie?

ANNIE: Oh great, now Richard. How did you get in here?

DEL: Oh, he probably stabbed the guard in the back like he did me.

RICHARD: What are you talking about?

ANNIE: Do you two mind? I have to go on stage in thirty seconds, I'm trying to get into character. [she starts warming up]

DEL: Yeah, she's trying to work.

RICHARD: Well, I am trying to tell you guys that Tom is married.

ANNIE: Tom's married?

DEL: [laughing] Tom's married?

RICHARD: This isn't funny, it's a very sticky situation! Now look, I don't want to blow the whistle on this guy because he's about to change my whole life, but somebody has to tell Caroline. So, Annie, since you're her best friend, you should do it.

ANNIE: In case you have not noticed, I am about to go on stage.

RICHARD: Del. You do it.

DEL: I'm not going to tell her! Hey, I don't want to be perceived as the jealous ex-boyfriend.

RICHARD: You are the jealous ex-boyfriend.

DEL: I know, but I still have my pride.

ANNIE: Hey look, Richard, you got her into this, you get her out of this. Now, I'm about to go climb out of a giant sewer. I suggest you do the same. [she exits]

DEL: Why don't they have a show called "Dogs"? I'd go see that.

TOM: No no, wait, wait. Listen, before we go any further, there's something we've got to talk about.

CAROLINE: What, are you going to tell me you're wearing women's underwear?

TOM: No! [confused] Do you want me to? [Caroline laughs] No, Caroline, I just really like being with you.

CAROLINE: I really like being with you too.

TOM: Yeah, that's great, that's good, because I want this to be more than just a fling.

CAROLINE: Gee, and here I was hoping it'd be cheap and tawdry.

TOM: Caroline, I'm married.

CAROLINE: [laughing] Oh, so it is cheap and tawdry! [she sees the look on his face, stops laughing and gets off the couch] You're serious, aren't you? You are married.

TOM: So, this is a problem?

CAROLINE: Outside the state of Utah, yeah.

TOM: Okay, so it's a problem. I just want you to know that I'm really good at solving problems.

CAROLINE: Me too, Tom. Get the hell out. Problem solved.

[Tom stands up]

TOM: Okay, well, so much for honesty. Most guys would not have told you, Caroline, but I did.

CAROLINE: Yeah Tom, you're swell. You set the standard for which all men should strive. [she hands him his coat] Bye bye.

[Richard enters]

RICHARD: Caroline! This slimeball was just leaving. [he grabs Tom's coat and throws it into the hall] He's married.

TOM: Hey, that's Cashmere!

RICHARD: And that's my friend!

CAROLINE: And he already told me he's married.

RICHARD: He did? [he picks up the coat and dusts it off] You know, it's always good to let Cashmere air out... [Tom takes his coat] So, this by any chance won't affect my commission-

TOM: Of course it will, Richard. When I go into bat for you I expect a little loyalty in return.

CAROLINE: Don't take this out on Richard! He doesn't need your stinking commission. He's perfectly happy working for me, and as far as I'm concerned he can work for me forever.

RICHARD: [non-plussed] Oh boy, a tenure. [he walks over to the window]

TOM: See you in the funny papers. [he exits]

CAROLINE: What a loser.

RICHARD: Rub it in.

CAROLINE: No, not you. You're great.

RICHARD: Look, you can see the Reisman Building from here, just sitting there, mocking me.

[Del enters]

DEL: Caroline. Where is he?

CAROLINE: Gone.

DEL: Damn, I knew I should've double parked! Okay...he's married.

CAROLINE: What is this? Was there a memo I didn't get?

[Annie enters, still in her costume]

ANNIE: Caroline, he's married! He's...not even here! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back on stage in eighteen minutes. They don't know I'm gone. [she exits]

CAROLINE: Thanks Annie! Thank you, Richard.

DEL: Uh, hello? What about me?

CAROLINE: I'm not going to thank you. You just love the fact that my first date after you was with a married man.

DEL: Well, it does make a little thing like forgetting your birthday seem not quite so bad, doesn't it?

RICHARD: This could only happen in New York.

CAROLINE: Richard, people have affairs all over the world.

RICHARD: No, only in New York could you see a grown woman dressed as a cat pull a guy with a black Cashmere coat out of a taxi and throw him onto the street!

[they all look out the window]