113: Caroline and the Twenty-Eight Pound Walleye

Teleplay by Ian Praiser
Story by Carol Gary
Directed by Tom Cherones

Guest Starring:
Paul Castree as Chris Duffy
James Callahan as Mayor Paisley
Patrick T. O'Brien as Councilman Hardy
Beth Wishnie as Lyndsay
Patricia Gaul as Mrs. Baerwald
Earl Holliman as Fred Duffy
Mariette Hartley as Margaret Duffy

PAISLEY: Now, next up: a progress report on Sunday's park dedication to Tyne Daly.

HARDY: Actually, Mayor, we have a little problem. It seems as if Tyne Daly wasn't born in Peshtigo.

PAISLEY: I beg your pardon?

HARDY: She was born in Madison Wisconsin, not Peshtigo Wisconsin.

PAISLEY: What? Well, I would like to know who is responsible for not double-checking the information!

HARDY: Well actually, you were, sir. According to the minutes, you said 'Trust me, I know where Tyne Daly was born'.

PAISLEY: Laying blame isn't going to help now, is it, Hardy? Now what are we going to do? I mean, we have to dedicate the park to someone. No other famous person has ever been born in Peshtigo.

HARDY: I have an idea on that, sir. Wasn't that uh, that cartoonist born here? I mean, she's...kinda famous.

[cut to Caroline's apartment. Caroline is reading a letter]

CAROLINE: Oh my god, Salty, my home town's going to dedicate a park to me! Wow, I always figured they'd name it after Tyne Daly.

CAROLINE: [reading from a piece of paper] Mayor Paisley, Councilman Hardy, fellow citizens of Peshtigo. Thank you for this great honour. I have many fond memories of this park-

ANNIE: In fact, you have many memories of being fondled in this park.

CAROLINE: That's good, that's good. [she writes it down]

DEL: Whoa, hey, you're not actually going to say that, are you?

CAROLINE: Well, it's not like it was just me. The population of Peshtigo is thirty-five hundred; without that park, it'd be ninety-two.

[Richard enters and slams the door. His coat is covered in snow]

RICHARD: Here's you're poo-poo platter. [he gives Annie a bag of Chinese food, then walks over and opens the window] Alright you kids, that's it! That's the last snowball you're going to throw at me. You don't want to test my anger! [he gets pelted with several snowballs, then closes the window]

DEL: I think maybe they do.

RICHARD: Oh, get me out of this miserable city!

[Annie gets some money out of her pocket]

ANNIE: Hey Richard, here's bus fare. Go. [Richard ignores her and starts drying himself off] Now Caroline, I hate to ask this, but your brother Chris isn't going to be there, is he?

CAROLINE: No, that's the best part. He won't make it. See, there's this old woman who needs a triple bypass or she won't make it through the weekend. Isn't that great?

ANNIE: Yeah!

RICHARD: I'm hoping that's because your brother is a doctor who can save her and not a mortician who's having a slow week.

CAROLINE: I'll have you know that my brother is the youngest heart surgeon in the history of Wisconsin General. [bitterly] Doogie Duffy, MD.

RICHARD: Ah, do I detect a little sibling rivalry in the Duffy herd?

CAROLINE: Sibling rivalry? It's waaay beyond sibling rivalry. Let me show you my scrapbook. [she walks over to the trunk beside the coffee table and gets it]

RICHARD: Ugh, scrapbook? I'm sorry I asked.

ANNIE: [to Caroline] I love you, you're such a girl.

CAROLINE: Now, wait a second. [she flips through the pages] Oh, look at this. This is the day I gave my commencement speech at my high school graduation.

DEL: [reads] 'Eleven-year-old Chris Duffy heimlichs waitress'?

CAROLINE: Exactly. [she turns the page] Look at this. This is the day that my comic strip went national.

ANNIE: [reads] 'Chris Duffy shakes president's hand, Nancy just says 'yes'.

CAROLINE: Are you following the breadcrumbs here? I grew up with a saint.

ANNIE: [sings] Must've been cold there in his shadow...

DEL: Yeah, but you must have him now, right? I mean, Caroline Duffy gets her own park? What can he possibly do to top that?

CAROLINE: Reanimate dead tissue?

ANNIE: Man, I wish I could be there to see you get a park.

CAROLINE: Well, why don't you come? They sent me two first class tickets for me and a guest.

ANNIE: I can't, I've got four performances.

DEL: Well you know, Caroline, I really wish I could go, but I've got a big date Saturday night.

CAROLINE: I didn't ask you.

DEL: I know, I just wanted to let you know I have a date.

CAROLINE: [in a sexy voice] With who? Candee, with two Es?

DEL: No, she's in the hospital...she's having an E removed.

CAROLINE: Well, I'll make some calls. I'll find somebody.

RICHARD: Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you even going to ask me?

CAROLINE: Why, so you can turn me down?

RICHARD: Throw me a bone, I've had a rough morning.

ANNIE: You know, Richard, you have been moaning on about how you're sick of the city and you can't afford a vacation, and with you a thousand miles away it'd be my vacation too.

RICHARD: Yeah, some vacation. I've seen the ads - 'Come visit Peshtigo. If not you, who?'

CAROLINE: Come to think of it, Richard, you might just get into this. I mean, the hotel room's just going to sit empty 'cause I'm going to be at my folks'. Room service? Cable TV? And it is a first class ticket.

RICHARD: Really? Actually, I've never flown first class before.

CAROLINE: The stewardesses have sex with you.

RICHARD: Yeah, right.

DEL: [whispers to Richard] No really, sometimes they do.

[everyone looks surprised]

CAROLINE: Since when is my bedroom a sewing room?

MARGARET: Since you only visit once a year. So, where's your young man?

CAROLINE: For the eighth time, mom, he's my assistant.

MARGARET: [laughing] Oh, my little girl has an assistant!

CAROLINE: The cab dropped him off at the hotel. You'll meet him at the dedication tomorrow.

MARGARET: Oh, your brother is so disappointed that he couldn't make it.

CAROLINE: Me too, it just kills me.

[they go into the living room, which has an overdone floral decoration]

MARGARET: So, what do you think?

CAROLINE: Wow...

MARGARET: I'm taking a home decorating course down at the high school.

CAROLINE: Mom, it looks like Martha Stuart on acid.

MARGARET: I knew you'd like it!

CAROLINE: Well, the important thing is you're getting your money's worth out of that sewing room.

MARGARET: Well, you wait 'til you see the dress I made for you for the park dedication.

[Caroline notices something in the corner]

CAROLINE: Mom...

MARGARET: Well, at least wear the hat.

CAROLINE: What's the dog doing curled up over there in the corner? You told me you had Sparky put to sleep last June.

MARGARET: Fred? [Fred enters] She's asking about Sparky.

FRED: Well, Puddin', with your mother off at school, I got bored, so I just went down and registered in a class of my own.

CAROLINE: [shocked] Um...you stuffed Sparky?

FRED: Well, that's the laymen's term. You like it?

CAROLINE: [fighting for composure] No, I don't like it. You stuffed my dog?

FRED: Puddin', Sparky was such a member of this family for so many years, it just wasn't going to be the same without having him around.

CAROLINE: Does that mean if mom goes you're going to stuff her too?

FRED: There you go, talking weird.

MARGARET: Fred, I told you she wouldn't understand. Take it upstairs.

FRED: You got it, Dumpling. [he whistles to Sparky] Come on fella, come on! [Caroline isn't amused] I just can't get a smile out of you. [he picks up Sparky's leash and pulls him out of the room]

[cut to outside the front door. Richard walks up with a suitcase in either hand and knocks on the door with his head]

[cut to the living room]

MARGARET: Fred, answer the door.

FRED: You got it, Dumpling. [he turns around] Sparky, stay. [Caroline still looks shocked] Nothing. [he opens the door]

RICHARD: [shivering] D-Duffy...D-Duffy...D-uffy...

FRED: We have all the brushes we need, thanks.

RICHARD: N-no no no no-

CAROLINE: No no no, dad, it's Richard.

[Richard enters, muttering incoherently]

FRED: What'd he say?

CAROLINE: I think he said 'oil can'. [to Richard] Why aren't you at the hotel?

RICHARD: [still shivering] Bad hotel...pipes froze...no heat...no cabs... [he walks over to the fireplace] Fire, good.

MARGARET: Poor thing, he's chilled to the bone!

RICHARD: I got lost, I got chased by a deer...and not one stewardess in first class even gave me a second look!

[Margaret puts a blanket around Richard's shoulders; he sits down]

CAROLINE: Mom, dad, this is Richard. He doesn't get out of the city much.

MARGARET: Fred, bring this boy some whiskey.

FRED: You got it, Dumpling. [he exits; Margaret starts rubbing Richard's ears]

CAROLINE: Mom, Richard doesn't like to be touched.

MARGARET: Oh. [she stops]

RICHARD: Mind your own business. [he motions to Margaret to start again]

CAROLINE: I told you it was going to be cold here.

RICHARD: Thirty-one degrees below zero? The electrons in my body have frozen in their orbits!

[Fred enters and gives Richard a glass of whiskey]

FRED: I like the way this guy talks. I don't understand it, but I like the way he talks.

[Richard gulps down all the whiskey]

RICHARD: Please sir, I want some more. [he holds his glass out; Fred fills it again]

MARGARET: Fred, go upstairs and run a hot bath, and bring his bags up to Chris' room.

FRED: You got it, Dumpling. [he exits]

MARGARET: You know, Richard, I bet my little Caroline never showed you her prom picture. [she takes a framed photo off the mantelpiece]

CAROLINE: Mom!

MARGARET: Oh honey, your skin wasn't that bad. [a helicopter can be heard outside] What on earth is that?

CAROLINE: I don't know, it sounds like a helicopter or something.

MARGARET: Fred?

FRED: [already walking towards the door] You got it, Dumpling. [he and Margaret go outside]

RICHARD: It's freezing! Close the door!

MARGARET: [from outside] It's Chris!

CAROLINE: How could it be Chris? He's in Madison performing a triple bypass.

RICHARD: Maybe his patient died.

CAROLINE: Man, I just can't catch a break.

[Chris, Margaret and Fred enter]

CHRIS: Hey Caroline, surprise!

MARGARET: We didn't think you could make it. [she and Fred start fussing over Chris]

RICHARD: Does he always make an entrance in a helicopter?

CAROLINE: I guess the Batmobile must be in the shop. [she drinks some of Richard's whiskey]

GUNTHER: Will you excuse us? We're going to go freshen up. [she and Laura exit]

CHARLIE: What do you think, what do you think?

DEL: Charlie, when you said Laura had an old school friend visiting, I assumed it'd be a classmate of hers, not her third grade math teacher!

CHARLIE: Oh come on, Miss Gunther's great. Did you see how fast she split up the cheque? Didn't even use her fingers!

DEL: You know, this is just perfect. Everybody was saying, 'You're going to let Charlie set you up on a date?' but I said, 'Hey, Charlie's a good guy! How wrong could he be?' Obviously a lot!

CHARLIE: I thought there were sparks. She winked at you.

DEL: She was adjusting her glass eye!

[Annie enters]

ANNIE: Hey guys, what's new?

DEL: Not my date!

CHARLIE: You're so picky.

DEL: Hey, wait a minute, it's Saturday night. Why aren't you at "Cats"?

ANNIE: Oh, I took the night off. My understudy's parents were in town, they wanted to see her perform. Oh, she's so sweet. She saved all her money so she could put her parents up at the Plaza Hotel. I couldn't say no. So, I have my first Saturday night date in years!

CHARLIE: Big mistake.

ANNIE: You haven't even seen him yet.

CHARLIE: No, letting your understudy go on in your place. She could be after your job. It's just like that old movie, "All About Eve".

DEL: Oh yeah, Caroline dragged me to see that film. Slept like a baby.

ANNIE: Lyndsay would never try to steal my job.

CHARLIE: Yeah, maybe that person loves sitting in the wings night after night, knowing who really has all the talent yet watching someone else get all the glory.

ANNIE: That's not how Lyndsay feels.

CHARLIE: Screw Lyndsay, I'm talking about me! Del, let me write!

DEL: Hey Charlie, after setting me up with uh, Barbara Bush, you're going back to the mail room.

ANNIE: Charlie, you're definitely crazy. Lyndsay would never do anything like that. You know, you've got to start to trust people. [she walks over to the phone; Laura and Miss Gunther enter]

CHARLIE: Del, Del, your old lady's coming. And she's making goo-goo eye.

ANNIE: [on phone] Yeah, is there a Fife registered there? ... No, huh? Are you sure? ... Well, this is the Plaza Hotel on the corner by the park with the fountain? ... Okay, thanks. [she hangs up] Hmm... [she runs out the door]

FRED: I found the champagne, it was in the crisper buried under the broccoli. What were you doing, hiding it from the Germans?

MARGARET: Fred.

[everyone takes a glass]

CHRIS: I have a toast.

CAROLINE: [to Richard] Oh great, here it comes. He won the Nobel Prize.

CHRIS: To my sister. You've accomplished more at your age than most people will in a lifetime. I mean it, Caroline, you are my inspiration, and...I love you. To Caroline.

ALL: [holding their glasses up] To Caroline.

CAROLINE: Wow, that was beautiful. And here I thought you were going to pull a Chris on me.

CHRIS: What do you mean?

CAROLINE: Oh it's nothing, I was just being petty. Thanks.

CHRIS: And listen, as long as you guys are all here, I've got to tell you: I've been picked to be the youngest doctor ever to go up in the space shuttle.

[Caroline stands there frozen, holding her glass up in the air]

MARGARET: Oh my god! The space shuttle? [she and Fred go up to Chris and hug him]

FRED: That's wonderful! That's my boy!

RICHARD: [to Caroline] Wow, he is good. [he clinks his glass with Caroline's]

CAROLINE: The space shuttle. Wow, Chris, you've really outdone yourself. Congratulations.

CHRIS: Thanks, Cair.

CAROLINE: I'm being sarcastic. Why don't we just call the Mayor and have them dedicate the park to you, instead of some two-bit cartoonist. [she exits, slamming the front door]

CHRIS: What was that?

FRED: Well, I think Puddin's still upset about Sparky.

RICHARD: In the future, when you tell off your brother in the dead of winter and storm outside, you might want to bring your coat.

CAROLINE: I'm fine.

RICHARD: Oh, please. You don't have to be proud in front of me, I've seen you eat M&Ms off the floor. [he gives her the coat]

CAROLINE: Are they talking about me in there?

RICHARD: I wouldn't call it talking, but uh, does your mother clean a lot when she gets upset?

CAROLINE: Is she dusting behind the refrigerator?

RICHARD: I think she actually lifted it up.

CAROLINE: That's mad.

[Margaret enters, shakes the tablecloth she is holding, glares at them and goes back inside]

RICHARD: And I thought it was cold out here before. [he sits down beside her]

CAROLINE: I really blew it, didn't I?

RICHARD: No, you didn't blow it. You never stood a chance. Come on, your brother is perfect, he's blessed, he's not of this world. If it wasn't so cold, I'd go out looking for his pod.

CAROLINE: Tell me about it. You don't know what it was like growing up with him. [she starts swinging the chair more violently] All I ever heard was Chris, Chris, Chris-

RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline, please. [he makes her sit still] The wind chill factor.

CAROLINE: I remember all these times running up the stairs, slamming the door, and drawing all these pictures about sawing him in half. They were really gory, with blood, and his eyes popping out of his head.

RICHARD: I think I would've liked you as a kid.

CAROLINE: Then my mom found them and made me go see the minister. You should've seen the cartoons I drew about him.

RICHARD: So in other words, Chris sort of kick-started your cartooning.

CAROLINE: No, I drew plenty of cartoons before him. Well...not plenty, maybe...oh great. Now I have to give him credit for my career.

RICHARD: I won't tell him if you won't.

[Caroline leans her head against Richard's shoulder]

CAROLINE: Richard, I really appreciate you coming home with me, even though it does mean you seeing me at my worst.

RICHARD: You think this is your worst? Don't kid yourself.

[Caroline gives him a look; he has slight smirk on his face]

LYNDSAY: Annie, what are you doing here? [Annie is too out of breath to speak] Here, here. You want some water? [she gives her a bottle]

ANNIE: Thank you. [she drinks some of it] You BITCH!

LYNDSAY: What?

ANNIE: You thought you really had me fooled, didn't you? Well, I got news for you - you are not stealing my role.

LYNDSAY: Annie, what are you talking about?

[Annie starts getting changed]

ANNIE: I called the Plaza - there was no Fife registered there. There was no Fife expected there.

LYNDSAY: Well, that's because my father died when I was fourteen.

ANNIE: Ha!

LYNDSAY: My mother remarried. My parents' name is Baerwald.

ANNIE: You are good. You are really good. Now come on, out of the whiskers, you backstabbing, conniving, role stealing-

[Lyndsay's parents enter]

LYNDSAY: Mom! Dad! [she runs over to them]

ANNIE: 'Mom, dad'? [to a Cat] Did she say 'Mom, dad'?

[the Cat nods; Annie starts getting dressed again]

MRS BAERWALD: We just had to come back and tell you how wonderful the first act was. This is the most exciting night of out lives!

LYNDSAY: Oh, you have to meet Annie. She's responsible for my big break.

MRS BAERWALD: Oh Annie, what a pleasure to meet you. I crocheted you pot-holders. [she takes then out of her purse and gives them to Annie] With your initials on them.

ANNIE: I'm going to burn in hell.

MRS BAERWALD: What was that, dear?

ANNIE: Oh, just uh, theatre talk. You know, like break a leg, burn in hell. It means I wish you luck, my little understudy.

MRS BAERWALD: Oh, aren't you sweet.

[Mr Baerwald takes a photo of Lyndsay and Annie]

ANNIE: Well, I've got to get going. You've got a second act to do, little missy. And if I hurry, I can make it to the late mass at Saint Pat's. [she exits]

MRS BAERWALD: Isn't she the sweetest? So how long before you think you can get rid of her?

LYNDSAY: Easter, tops.

CHRIS: What was that for?

CAROLINE: For blowing up at you earlier. You really didn't deserve that. [she sits down beside him; they start playing the piano together]

CHRIS: Just like the old days. You know, Cair, you've always been such a major influence in my life. I guess I just couldn't wait to tell you the good news. I'm sorry if my timing was bad.

CAROLINE: Well, you've been a major influence in my life too.

CHRIS: Really? Growing up I never thought you even noticed me.

CAROLINE: Believe me, I noticed. I've got a scrapbook at home filled with your accomplishments.

CHRIS: You do?

CAROLINE: Yeah. And by the way, thanks for rushing through that triple bypass. It means a lot to me that you're here.

CHRIS: Are you kidding? I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Besides, it's nice being home.

CAROLINE: I think Sparky's really glad to see you. Maybe later we can play fetch.

CHRIS: Yeah, I'm thinking of taking him ice fishing with me tomorrow morning.

CAROLINE: What, you're going ice fishing before the dedication?

CHRIS: So?

CAROLINE: What if some poor fisherman falls through the ice and you have to do something heroic to save him?

CHRIS: I'll let him drown, I promise.

CAROLINE: You're the best.

[they start playing the same piece as before. Chris suddenly cuts in with Grieg's "Piano Concerto in A Minor". Caroline gives him a look; he stops and begins to play "Heart And Soul" again. Caroline grins]

CAROLINE: When I was a little girl growing up in Peshtigo, I never dreamed that one day I'd find myself standing here-

[a man enters]

MAN: Hey everyone, Chris Duffy just caught a twenty-eight pound walleye! It's a new state record! Come on!

[everyone starts leaving]

CAROLINE: It fills me with pride to think that the people of my home town have decided to name this beautiful park in my honour-

MAYOR PAISLEY: Excuse me. [he exits; only Caroline's parents and Richard are left standing there]

CAROLINE: I have many fond memories of growing up in this park, one of them right over there... [she starts trailing off] Of course, it was a much warmer day...oh, it's okay. You guys can go.

FRED: Oh, thanks Puddin'. We'll just have one picture taken with Chris' fish, then we'll wash our hands and hurry back and take one with you.

MARGARET: Oh, what a proud day this is turning out to be! Come on, Fred.

[they exit]

CAROLINE: Well, this is it. [she unveils the sign] Caroline Duffy Park.

RICHARD: Smile. [she looks downcast but he takes her photo anyway] Congratulations.

CAROLINE: He did it to me again, didn't he?

RICHARD: He sure did.

CAROLINE: Well, at least I got a comic strip out of it.

RICHARD: Come on, let's go.

CAROLINE: Where are we going?

RICHARD: We've got to go get you elected president so Chris can finally become Pope. [he puts his arm around her shoulders; they exit]