209: Caroline and the Therapist

Written by Tom Leopold
Directed by Gordon Hunt

Guest Starring:
Valerie Mahaffey as Alicia Crawford Lane
Renee Taylor as Mrs. Fox
W. Earl Brown as Floyd Gerber
Rende Rae Norman as Woman #1
Thomas Dekker as Young Richard

CAROLINE: This morning she tore the shower curtain, yesterday she ate my ficus, and she stopped dragging her butt across the table.
JOE: When my grandfather stopped doing that, Thanksgivings just weren't fun anymore.

[Annie and Angie enter.]

ANNIE: Ma, I don't care if he is your best friend's nephew, I am not going out with him. [She grabs a box of cereal and a newspaper, then walks towards the door. Angie continues to follow her.]
ANGIE: He's a government official! Women throw themselves at this man!
ANNIE: He's a park ranger. Raccoons throw themselves at this man.
ANGIE: Caroline, will you tell my daughter she's not getting any younger?
ANNIE: Will you tell my Ma I don't go out on blind dates?
CAROLINE: Caroline's not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message at the beep...
ANGIE: What is she doing?
ANNIE: She's pretending to be a machine, Ma.
ANGIE: What kind of machine? And who is that young guy? What is that?

[Annie groans. She and Angie exit.]

CAROLINE: They're like Halley's Comet, only they come around once every seventy-six seconds.

RICHARD: Ugh. God, I hate Mondays.
CAROLINE: It's Tuesday, Richard.
RICHARD: I know. I'm still trying to get over yesterday. Ah, Joe, playing with your little doctor kit, I see.
JOE: Maybe when I'm through I can come over there and colour with you.

[Richard sits down at the desk, then squirms uncomfortably.]

RICHARD: Well, you can take my seat. [whines] Oh, the cat peed in it! [He gets up and walks to the bathroom.] God, I hate Tuesdays!

[He exits. Caroline walks over and wipes down the chair.]

CAROLINE: Salty, bad girl!
JOE: Okay, Caroline, I know this might sound weird, but I think Salty's problems might be emotional. Now, I know a cat therapist who might be able to help.
CAROLINE: You know a therapist for cats?
JOE: This is New York. I know a guy who makes wigs for old poodles. [He gives her a business card.]
CAROLINE: Wow. [reads] 'Dr Alicia Crawford Lane, Cat Therapist. Tell miaow about it.'

[Richard enters from the bathroom with a little pink towel around his waist. He walks across the room puts his coat on.]

CAROLINE: Do you think the therapist would come here?
RICHARD: Caroline, we've discussed this! I'll see someone when I'm good and ready.

ALICIA: Hello. I'm Dr Alicia Crawford Lane. Sorry I'm late, I've been working with a Siamese who won't breast feed.
CAROLINE: Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm Caroline Duffy, and this is my assistant, Richard Karinsky.
ALICIA: [looking at Salty] And this must be the cat?
RICHARD: Oh, she is good.
CAROLINE: Her name is Salty.
ALICIA: And what a pretty rhinestone collar. [brightly] Is she playing Vegas? I think not.
CAROLINE: Well, the groomer talked me into that.
ALICIA: And I suppose the groomer ripped her claws out. Declawing is cruel and outrageous. Why don't you just rip my fingernails out?
RICHARD: Is that an option?
ALICIA: I'm ignoring you because I'm a professional. [She looks at a book on the table.] Oh, you bought my book! Do you know that fifty percent of the proceeds go towards housing and feeding the traumatised cats of Belfast?
RICHARD: Aw, isn't that nice. Caroline, I'm kind of hungry. Do you have any nuts in the house?
ALICIA: [brightly] Ignoring! Ignoring!

[She strolls around the apartment.]

ALICIA: So, this in the environment in which you raise your cat?
CAROLINE: Yeah, well, the schools are good. [She chuckles.]

[Alicia contines walking around, and writes on a notepad.]

ALICIA: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
CAROLINE: What are you writing?
ALICIA: Just a few notes. [She looks along the counter.] These are the toys she plays with...this is the food she eats... [She picks up a bottle of wine with a disapproving look.] This is the wine you drink?
CAROLINE: It was a gift. Look, I'm a really good owner.

[Alicia shudders.]

ALICIA: 'Owner'?
CAROLINE: Uh...friend? Mother? Life partner? Look, I don't know. I let her sleep in my bed.
ALICIA: Head of the bed or foot of the bed?
CAROLINE: [unsure] Head! Foot! Head!
ALICIA: Ooh. [She writes something on the notepad.] Alright, I need a moment with my client.

[She sits down beside Salty and strokes her head.]

ALICIA: I'm getting some tension. A sense of imbalance.
RICHARD: How 'bout lotto numbers? You getting any lotto numbers?
ALICIA: [to Caroline] There have been a lot of changes around here. You're dating a younger man.
CAROLINE: Wow, you got that all from the cat?
ALICIA: No, I got that from Joe. He referred me to you, remember?
CAROLINE: Yeah well, still, that's pretty good.
ALICIA: Change for cats is not good. It creates too much chaos. In fact, there was a time in my life when men were coming in and out of my life, and Anastasia, my tabby, responded by burying my diaphragm.
RICHARD: I hope you weren't wearing it at the time.

[Caroline stifles a laugh. Alicia looks at Richard.]

ALICIA: Is he allowed around the cat very much?
CAROLINE: Well, yeah, he really is. He just came back to work here.
ALICIA: Uh-huh.

[She writes on the notepad again. Richard and Caroline both look over her shoulder, and she glares at them.]

ALICIA: Well, there are some questionable elements in Salty's environment, and the most negative one I can find, aside from the three dollar wine, is... [She points to Richard.]
CAROLINE: Richard?
ALICIA: Richard, have you ever had a pet?
RICHARD: Well, my sister was kind of slow at school, if that qualifies.
ALICIA: Hmm, that defense mechanism again. There must be something in your childhood that scared you off animals.

[Richard looks up sharply.]

ALICIA: I'm right! [to Caroline] Did you see that? I'm right!
CAROLINE: [ushering her towards the door] Uh, listen, Dr Lane, I really, really appreciate you coming, but maybe we could finish this session some other time.
ALICIA: You realise we have forty minutes left? And I do charge for the whole hour.
CAROLINE: Okay, fine, fine. Send me a bill, okay?
ALICIA: Caroline, you realise that the Salty you knew will never come back until that nasty little man bonds with her. And he never will until he confronts his own demons.
CAROLINE: What should he do?
ALICIA: I can't say. I'm not allowed to work with people anymore. [She exits.]
CAROLINE: Okay Richard, I can pout, and I can cry, and I can whine for the rest of the afternoon, or you can tell me what this animal thing is all about.
RICHARD: Caroline, it is no big deal, okay?

[Caroline gives him a look.]

RICHARD: When I was in the third grade, it was my turn to take home the class hampster, that's all, and uh...let's just say it didn't work out particularly well.

[Cut to a flashback scene of Richard's third grade class. He is wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a black skivvy, and is standing at his desk with his head bowed. The other kids and his teacher, Mrs Fox, are staring at him.]

MRS FOX: What did you do to Zippity, Richie?
RICHARD: Richard. And I didn't do anything to him. He was dead when I woke up this morning.
MRS FOX: Well, children, you don't have a hamptser anymore, thanks to Richie. [yells] You're BAD with animals! Isn't he, class?
CLASS: Yes, Mrs Fox.
RICHARD: I didn't do anything!
MRS FOX: Some people don't have to do anything. It's their PERSONALITY! Isn't it, class?
CLASS: Yes, Mrs Fox.
RICHARD: Zippity was fine when I went to bed. He had a big dinner, and he got on his little treadmill. I don't know, maybe he had an embelism!

[Cut back to Caroline's apartment.]

CAROLINE: Zippity dying was just a coincidence.
RICHARD: Oh, really? Then how do you explain Mr Ears, the class bunny, dying at my home the next week?
CAROLINE: A suicide pact?
RICHARD: Come on! Face it, Caroline, Mrs Fox was right. I'm horrible with animals.
CAROLINE: No, she was horrible with children! There was no excuse for what she did.
RICHARD: Caroline, if you thought she was bad, you should have seen my shop teacher.

ANNIE: Paolo? I'm meeting a guy here named Floyd Gerber, so if you see him, I'm at the bar.

[Paolo walks away, and Annie sits down at the bar. Del sneaks up behind her.]

DEL: [in a goofy voice] Annie, I'm Floyd Gerber, and I feel funny in my pants.

[Annie turns around and gives him a look.]

ANNIE: I bet a lot of people find what's in your pants funny.
DEL: So, a blind date fixed up by your mother. Pathasia: the state of being pathetic.
ANNIE: Hey, I don't make fun of you when you have loser dates.
DEL: That's because I don't have loser dates. I have that thing women refer to as, a Porsche.

[Charlie enters.]

CHARLIE: Come on, Del. All the good washing machines are going to be taken.
ANNIE: Washing machines?
CHARLIE: Yeah, it's singles night at the Union Square Laundromat. Del says we're going to score.
ANNIE: [to Del] Singles night at the laundromat. Isn't that a national holiday in Pathasia?

[Del and Charlie exit. Floyd enters and walks up behind Annie.]

FLOYD: [in a voice similar to Del's take-off] Hello, are you Annie Spadaro?
ANNIE: [chuckling, in the same voice] Uh, yeah, Del, that's real funny!

[She turns around, sees who it is and looks embarrassed.]

DEL: Wow, look at all these women!
CHARLIE: [calls out] Alright, ladies, I'm single, I've got dirty socks, and I'm looking for someone to cuddle with. No fats, please.
DEL: Charlie, this isn't petting day at the zoo.
CHARLIE: No, that's tomorrow night, and I'm going stag.

[Del looks around.]

DEL: Ooh, a blonde washing a black bra. See ya.
CHARLIE: That's right, go for the first black bra you see. Me, I'm waiting for the mountain to come to Muhammad!
DEL: Oh right, why would they come to you?

[Charlie sticks an 'Out of order' sign on the change machine, then takes off his jacket. Underneath is a bright orange vest with 'Change' written on it.]

CHARLIE: [calls out] Change!

CAROLINE: So, are you the same Mrs Fox that used to teach third grade at- ... Oh, I'm sorry sir. Get back in your bath.

[She hangs up. Annie enters, leaving Floyd standing outside in the hallway.]

ANNIE: What are you doing tonight, dear god, please tell me you're free.
CAROLINE: Date going well?
ANNIE: Well, he hasn't put me in a pot and cooked me yet!
CAROLINE: That bad, huh?
ANNIE: Come, see what Mother set me up with. [She opens the door.] Caroline, Floyd; Floyd, Caroline.
FLOYD: Hey.

[Annie shuts the door again.]

ANNIE: Can we pleeease hang out with you tonight?
CAROLINE: Uh, well, I was going to look up Richard's old teacher. You wouldn't believe how this woman scarred h-
ANNIE: Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, we're in. [She opens the door.] Floyd, you wanna go look for a teacher?
FLOYD: Sure. You got a piece of her clothing? Something with a scent?

CAROLINE: Need any help in there, Mrs Fox?
MRS FOX: [offscreen] I'll be right out!
ANNIE: Two thousand Mrs Foxes in Manhattan. I can't believe we found her.
CAROLINE: Yeah. Good work, Floyd.
FLOYD: It'd have been easier tracking her if she were bleeding.

[Mrs Fox enters, smoking a cigarette and carrying a tray of half-size milk cartons with straws in them.]

MRS FOX: I don't remember a Richie Karinsky. [to Floyd] Sit up straight!

[Floyd quickly straightens up. Mrs Fox starts handing out the milk cartons.]

MRS FOX: I remember an Ira Karinsky. Wanted to be an astronaut. A big fat boy. I said, 'Ira, be realistic! You're over two hundred pounds, there won't be any room for you in space!' He cried so hard that he threw up.
ANNIE: You were probably doing him a favour.
CAROLINE: Yeah, you probably helped him find his true calling in life. Good teachers do that. You know what he's doing now?
MRS FOX: He's a drag queen.
CAROLINE: Hmm. Well, try to remember Richard Karinsky. A little blonde boy, wore black...probably got beat up a lot.
MRS FOX: Richie Karinsky! I remember! Oh, whatever happened to him?
CAROLINE: He's an artist.
MRS FOX: Is he successful?
CAROLINE: Well, not yet.
MRS FOX: I told him he wouldn't be.
CAROLINE: Mrs Fox, do you remember Zippity the hampster?
MRS FOX: Yes! What is Zippity doing now?
CAROLINE: Well, uh, he's dead.
MRS FOX: Oh, of course. Richie killed him, and the rabbit too. That Karinsky boy cut a swath of blood across the entire third grade.
CAROLINE: Listen, Mrs Fox. The way you blamed him for those accidents, I think it scarred him for life. Children are so vulnerable. One wrong word can stay with them forever.
MRS FOX: It can?
CAROLINE: You didn't know that?
MRS FOX: I was making seventy-five hundred bucks a year. Those kids were lucky they could spell.
CAROLINE: Listen, Mrs Fox, Richard is a very important part of my life, and frankly, people like you left me very little to work with. I was just kind of hoping maybe you could come to his apartment with me and...apologize.
MRS FOX: Well, it's seven o'clock. "Wheel" is coming on.
ANNIE: We'll buy you a carton of smokes.
MRS FOX: I'll get my coat.

DEL: Hi there. You know what's great about this laundromat? The hot gets really hot.

[The woman walks away. Del walks up to another woman who is holding a skimpy pair of panties.]

DEL: So, under what type of shorty dress might you wear something like that?

[The woman walks away.]

[Cut to Charlie. The crowd around him has dissapated. Del walks up to him.]

DEL: Hey. You know, I don't think they know it's singles night.
CHARLIE: Want to borrow my change vest?
DEL: No, I'm fine without...

[Charlie stares at a middle-aged woman across the room.]

DEL: What?
CHARLIE: That woman over there.
DEL: Charlie, I think she's a little old for you.
CHARLIE: [wistfully] Mom...
DEL: Oh Charlie, not again!
CHARLIE: I'm telling you, Del, this is the one!
DEL: Oh come on, Charlie, last time you thought the woman on the "R" train was your mother. You thought the woman in "The King and I" was you mother. Man, you thought Marcia Clark was your mother!
CHARLIE: Look, just go over there and ask if she ever gave up a beautiful baby boy for adoption. You can work it into your conversation.
DEL: Forget it.
CHARLIE: Del, I'm telling you, this is the last time, I promise. I mean, look at those eyes, those are my eyes. And that nose, that's my nose. [The woman turns away from them.] And look at that ass, that's MY ass!
DEL: [embarrassed, to a woman walking past them] Hey, we're not together.

RICHARD: Who is it?
CAROLINE: [from outside] It's Caroline.
RICHARD: Oh, just a minute, Caroline. [He walks over and opens the door.] What are you doing here?
CAROLINE: Uh, I have a surprise for you.
RICHARD: What?

[She gives him a fish in a plastic bag full of water.]

RICHARD: What is this?
CAROLINE: I think it's time you had a pet. This is my favourite fish from home. I call him Inky, but you can change his name.
RICHARD: What do you think of the name Belly-Up?
CAROLINE: Oh Richard, come on. You are not bad luck with pets. Which brings me to my second surprise. I think you might like it.
RICHARD: Only if it'll eat your first surprise.
CAROLINE: [quietly, to herself] She just might. Okay, close your eyes.
RICHARD: What? What, why?
CAROLINE: Just do something without arguing for once! Close your eyes!
RICHARD: Alright, alright, alright...

[He closes his eyes. Caroline opens the door. Floyd, Mrs Fox and Annie are there.]

CAROLINE: Recognise this voice?
FLOYD: Always swim with a buddy.
ANNIE: Not you, Floyd!
RICHARD: Alright, what is going on here? [He turns around.] Oh my god! Mrs Fox!
MRS FOX: Hello, Richie.

[Richard pulls Caroline away.]

RICHARD: [whispers] What is she doing here?
CAROLINE: She's here to apologise!
RICHARD: You mean you went out and found her? I cannot believe you did that-
MRS FOX: No whispering!
CAROLINE: Look, you're here, she's here...why don't you guys spend some time alone? I'm going to go find something open. What's open?
RICHARD: The gun shop. Pick me up something.
FLOYD: [excited] The gun shop? Great!

[Caroline, Floyd and Annie exit.]

MRS FOX: Do you mind if I smoke? I have emphesema, it relaxes me. [She lights up a cigarette.]
RICHARD: Uh, I don't have an ash tray.
MRS FOX: I don't need one.
RICHARD: So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?
MRS FOX: Richie, your friend Marilyn told me that-
RICHARD: Uh, it's Caroline.
MRS FOX: Just be happy that you have a friend. Now, she says that because of what I told you in class, you've been afraid to love animals. Is that true?
RICHARD: No, I wouldn't say that-
MRS FOX: Don't fib me, boy, or I'll slap you to next week!
RICHARD: I'm afraid to love animals.
MRS FOX: That's better. I want to tell you something, and I'm not just saying it for the free smokes. The fact that Zippity and Mr Ears died while you were watching them was really just a coincidence, and making you feel responsible was a big mistake. Not as big as that time share I took with the girls' basketball coach, but big.
RICHARD: Thank you, Mrs Fox. That's a...little more than I wanted to know, but I appreciate that.
MRS FOX: [pointing to the bag in Richard's hand] The fish would appreciate your putting it in fresh water.
RICHARD: Oh, right, right. [He turns to the counter to take care of it.]
MRS FOX: You know, to be honest, at first I thought this was a lot of bull, but now I feel better. Never let it be said that Esther Fox can't admit when she's wrong.
RICHARD: I'll tell you something, Mrs Fox, I actually feel a little better myself. It's crazy, when Caroline brought you over here it was just another...

[He starts to tip the fish into a glass but ends up spilling it on the floor.]

RICHARD: Oh, no!
MRS FOX: What are you doing?!
RICHARD: [rescuing the fish] Nothing, it's just a little spill!
MRS FOX: I wasn't wrong! You are bad with animals! YOU'RE KILLING IT! You're killing the fish!
RICHARD: No no no, I'm catching the fish!
MRS FOX: I was right then, and I am right now! [screeches] KILLER! KILLER! KILLER!
RICHARD: [holding the fish in his hands] No, look Mrs Fox, I got it, I got it! [He drops it into the glass.] Oh, he's saved! He's saved! He's swimming around, Mrs Fox. It's okay, he's alive! He's alive!

[He turns around to see Mrs Fox sitting motionless at the table.]

RICHARD: Mrs Fox?

[He touches her on the shoulder, and she slumps forward. Richard looks mortified.]

CHARLIE: [to the woman] Excuse me.
WOMAN: [attracted to him] Well, hi there!
CHARLIE: Oh no, don't go there. I'd have to gouge my eyes out. Listen, did you ever give up a kid for adoption?
WOMAN: Oh-kay, it's lines like that that made me stop going to singles bars.
CHARLIE: No, I'm sorry, it's just that I was left on the steps of an orphanage when I was a baby, and I saw you and I just got this feeling that...

[The woman looks at him seriously.]

CHARLIE: I'm sorry, that was stupid. Stupid.
WOMAN: No, no, wait. You poor thing! It must be so hard for you.
CHARLIE: Well, Mothers Day sucks.
WOMAN: Listen, um...
CHARLIE: Charlie.
WOMAN: Charlie. I'm almost done here. Do you want to go get a cup of coffee and talk?
CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah!
WOMAN: Okay.

[She walks away. Del walks over to Charlie.]

DEL: She wasn't your mother, was she?
CHARLIE: No, no...
WOMAN: [from across the room] You ready, Charlie?
CHARLIE: But I'll get over it. [He gives Del the change vest and exits with the woman.]

RICHARD: [disbelieving] First Zippity the hampster, then Mr Ears, and now Mrs Fox! [He picks up a potted plant.] Here, take this before I kill again.
FLOYD: I'll take it. It'll give me something to smell on the bus trip. [He sticks his face in the plant and inhales.]
CAROLINE: Richard, don't blame yourself. She was old, she smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, and she lived on baloney and scotch.
RICHARD: How do you know that?
CAROLINE: I don't, I'm just trying to make you feel better.

[Annie looks at her watch.]

ANNIE: Oh, it's ten o'clock. [She does a double take.] Oh my god, it's ten o'clock! Floyd, it's time to take you to your bus.
FLOYD: You know, this is the best date I ever had in my life.

[Annie stares disbelievingly.]

ANNIE: Yeah, it was pretty darn good for me too.
FLOYD: Do you think it would be possible for me to get...well, a goodnight kiss?
ANNIE: Yeah, sure. Why not.

[Floyd grabs Caroline and kisses her passionately.]

FLOYD: [tearful] This is great! Thanks! [He waves and exits.]
ANNIE: God, I...I kind of want him now. [She exits.]
CAROLINE: Look, Richard...
RICHARD: Caroline, this was a disaster and you know it.
CAROLINE: You're right. I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
RICHARD: Unless Dr Kervorkian needs an assistant.

[Caroline walks towards the door.]

RICHARD: Caroline, Caroline! Caroline, look, uh...I know you were just trying to help, and uh...I appreciate it.
CAROLINE: Aw, Richard. Well, you may not be so good with animals, but you're getting better with people. Brace yourself, I'm going to hug you.

[She does so. Richard looks uncomfortable, then for a brief moment he relaxes and hugs her back. It is cut short when he breaks away to stomp on a bug which is crawling along the floor near their feet.]

RICHARD: [looking at the bottom of his shoe] And the death toll continues to mount.