210: Caroline and the Red Sauce

Written by Bill Prady
Directed by James Burrows

Guest Starring:
Candice Azzara as Angie Spadaro
Louis Giambalvo as Lou Spadaro
Suzanne Cryer as Rachel
Debra Jo Rupp as Melody
Bari K. Willerford as Tough Policeman
Robert Barry as Store Manager
David Doty as Santa Claus

CAROLINE: God, I love Christmas! The lights in the store windows, the skating at Rockefeller Centre. [sings] Deck the halls with boughs of holly-
RICHARD: Caroline, this morning I woke to discover the heat in my building was turned off, then on my way to work I passed a Salvation Army Santa who tripped me, and now I'm off to my second job working as Christmas help at one of the busiest department stores in New York. Personally, I'll be glad if this is the last Christmas mankind ever sees. [He exits.]
CAROLINE: [sings] Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

DEL: Okay, what do you think about this idea: Caroline in the City...adult diapers. See, they've got this cute little cartoon on them so you're not all bummed out about being old and having to wear diapers.
CAROLINE: I gotta tell you, Del, this is making your Caroline condom idea sound better and better.

[The phone rings.]

CHARLIE: I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it... [He picks it up.] Eagle Greeting Cards. ... Hello? ... Okay listen, you sicko, if you're not going to say anything, then to hell with you! [He hangs up.]
DEL: Charlie, next try pushing the button that's lit up.
CHARLIE: I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
CAROLINE: You know, Del, maybe it's time you hired a real secretary.
CHARLIE: You know what, I already did. Her name's Rachel, and she'll be here any minute.
DEL: What?
CHARLIE: Well, you interviewed like a hundred girls. What were you waiting for?
CAROLINE: The swimsuit competition?
DEL: Charlie, I can't believe you hired someone without telling me! I mean, did you ever check her references?
CHARLIE: I didn't want to insult the woman.

[Knock at door.]

DEL: Charlie, even for you this is unbelievably idiotic. I mean, what possessed you to... [He opens the door and stops talking when he sees how attractive Rachel is.]
RACHEL: Hi. I'm Rachel St Augustine.
DEL: Did Charlie tell you about the company picnic?
CAROLINE: The American businessman at work.

ANNIE: Tell me something - how does Kate Moss have room in her body for lungs?
CAROLINE: Annie, do me a favour. Try my spaghetti sauce. [She takes a spoonful of it out of a pot on the stove.]
ANNIE: It's from a jar. It always tastes blah.
CAROLINE: No, this time I added a tablespoon of red wine.
ANNIE: Ooh, wild woman, you! [She tries the sauce.] Blah.

[Richard gets up from the desk.]

RICHARD: Well, meaningless job number one over, on my way to meaningless job number two.
ANNIE: What?
CAROLINE: Richard got a Christmas job at Macy's.
ANNIE: Oh...
RICHARD: [to Caroline] Okay, what did I make you promise?
CAROLINE: That I wouldn't tell her.
RICHARD: And what did you just do?
CAROLINE: I told her.
ANNIE: [to Richard] And who will be there to make fun of you?
CAROLINE: She will.

[Richard opens the door.]

RICHARD: Ah, look Annie, your mother's here. [He exits.]
ANNIE: Ha ha, very funny, Richard.

[Angie enters with a suitcase in each hand.]

ANGIE: Hiya, honey.

[Annie jumps.]

ANNIE: Ma, what are you doing here?
ANGIE: [pointing to the stove, alarmed] Is that spaghetti sauce from a jar?
CAROLINE: Well...
ANNIE: [alarmed] Is that a large suitcase in your hand?
ANGIE: [to Caroline] You're not going to serve this to people?
CAROLINE: Yeah, my boyfriend.
ANGIE: What's his last name?
CAROLINE: DeStefano.
ANGIE: Oh god, he's Italian! Throw it out!
CAROLINE: What am I going to do? He'll be here in two hours.
ANGIE: Oh, I brought lasagne for Annie. You can have it. And tomorrow, I'll teach you how to make real red Italian sauce.
ANNIE: Tomorrow, huh? So, you're driving all the way back to Jersey and you're going to come back here tomorrow?
ANGIE: No, I'm going to stay with you for a few days. Didn't I tell you?
ANNIE: No, I think I would've remembered you saying that, 'cause I would have had chunks of my own hair in my hands.
CAROLINE: So what brings you to the city?
ANGIE: Termites.
CAROLINE: Wow, I heard they can life eight times their own weight.
ANGIE: What are you talking about? They're fumigating.
ANNIE: Well, where's Dad?
ANGIE: He's camping out in the back yard. He's always afraid they're going to steal. [She starts looking through her bags.]
CAROLINE: Did you bring any garlic bread?

[Angie takes a foil-wrapped loaf out of one of the bags, chuckles, and gives it to Caroline.]

ANNIE: So, Mom, when you say a few days, you mean like one, or two, or...one, right?
CAROLINE: [to Angie] Dessert?
ANGIE: No, but I brought my cake pans.
ANNIE: Cake pans are bad. Cake pans mean a week.

RICHARD: That was number three. Excellent choice, sir. [mutters as he fills out a form] Perhaps the recipient will be so dazzled by it, he won't notice you bought the cheapest wallet in the store. [He gives the man a receipt and walks away.]
MELODY: What did you just say to that customer?
RICHARD: I said 'Have a merry Christmas and thank you for shopping with us'.
MELODY: That's not what it sounded like.
RICHARD: I don't care.

[He starts to clumsily wrap a box.]

MELODY: No, no, no, no. Corner to corner, fold, tuck, and tape. That is how we wrap.
RICHARD: Does it really matter?
MELODY: I invented that fold. It is called the Melody Fife right end fold.
RICHARD: You share your life with a lot of cats, don't you?

[He finishes wrapping the box and picks up a receipt to attach to it.]

MELODY: Oh, dear god, man, what have you done?
RICHARD: Obviously something pretty bad for me to end up working here.
MELODY: [taking the receipt] This is the buff copy of a wrapping slip. When you ship a gift, the buff copy has to be sent to accounting. Buff to accounting, green to shipping, periwinkle to the customer, and canary yellow for our files. Why is this so hard to remember?
RICHARD: Maybe this is a good time to tell you I'm colour blind.
MELODY: Mr Karinsky, you have a very snotty attitude, and that is going to hold you back. [She walks away.]
RICHARD: [mutters] You mean there's 'back' from this?

[A burly cop walks up to the counter.]

COP: Excuse me, hello?
RICHARD: Yeah yeah, hang on. [He looks up and sees who it is.] Uh, Officer.
COP: [putting a teddy bear on the counter] I need this teddy bear wrapped.
RICHARD: There was a whole table of these already wrapped upstairs.
COP: No, see, I put this diamond ring on a ribbon around its neck. Then when my girlfriend opens it, with any luck, I'm engaged.
RICHARD: [awkward] How could anyone refuse you, you carry a gun.
COP: What's that supposed to mean?
RICHARD: I just...meant that you carry a gun. I was just trying to be funny. Get it?

[The cop's walkie-talkie makes a short hissing sound.]

MAN: [on walkie-talkie] Number seven two eighty-six in progress, thirteenth and seventh.
COP: Ten-four. [to Richard] I'll be back. A gift wrapper from another store did a lousy job, so I'm going to go shoot him.

[Richard looks scared.]

COP: See? I can be funny too. [He exits.]

DEL: Oh, we're out of milk.
RACHEL: Oh, hey, I'll get some. Where's the nearest place?
DEL: There's that little store right downstairs.
RACHEL: Great. I'll be back. [She exits.]
DEL: God, she is terrific! Charlie, hiring her is the best thing you've ever done.
CHARLIE: Thanks. Let's fire her.
DEL: Why would we want to do that?
CHARLIE: You were mad at me because I didn't check her references, so I did. Every person she's ever worked for - dead!
DEL: What do you mean, dead?
CHARLIE: Alright, look. When I was nine, I went to the circus, and they sold chameleons in a box. So, I bought one, and I brought it home, and I fed it Good and Plentys 'cause I didn't know what chameleons ate. Anyway, three days later I checked it, it didn't move. I shook the box, nothing happened. Dead like that.

[Del looks at Rachel's resumé.]

DEL: All of her previous employers are dead?
CHARLIE: Mm-hmm. [points] These three are.
DEL: Well, what about these two? [He picks up the phone.]
CHARLIE: She got back before I could check 'em. If she'd caught me, she would have offed me like that.
DEL: [on phone] Hi, Shriman Insurance? ... Yeah, Irwin Shriman, please. ... Really? When was that? ... No, I'm very sorry. Look, um, are you sure? ... No, you're right. They check pretty good. [He hangs up.]
CHARLIE: I wonder how she does it. Maybe she sneaks up on them with a little dagger, or she has a cane that shoots bullets.
DEL: Maybe she puts something in the coffee!

[Rachel enters. Del and Charlie jump.]

RACHEL: Got your milk.
DEL: I didn't want milk.
CHARLIE: Yes you did.

[Del elbows him.]

DEL: That was before. Uh, but I've given it up. Fat.
RACHEL: Oh, this is non-fat.
DEL: Uh, the fat which I need, because I have to raise my cholesterol level. You see, my arteries are too free, and the blood, the sound, just rushing through, whoosh, whoosh, keeps me up at night.
RACHEL: Okay, I'll get the other kind later. Oh, hey, do you guys have a letter opener?
DEL & CHARLIE: No!
CHARLIE: We don't get mail.
RACHEL: But... [She takes out a big pile of mail from under her arm.]
DEL: Oh, look at that!
CHARLIE: I better go out to buy a letter opener.
DEL: And I better go with him to pay for it. You just...keep filing. You're doing a killer job.

[They exit.]

ANGIE: Now, this recipe was taught to me by my mother.
CAROLINE: Oh!
ANGIE: Yeah! Who got it from a woman, whose cousin dated a limo driver rumoured to have picked up Mr Frank Sinatra the night he and Jillie walked across the Hudson to Hoboken. Don't repeat that.
CAROLINE: Like I could.

[The phone rings, Caroline answers it.]

CAROLINE: Hello? ... Oh, hi Mr Spadaro! ... Yeah! Oh yeah, she's right here. [to Angie] It's your husband. [She hands over the phone and starts chopping some celery.]
ANGIE: [on phone] What do you want, Lou? ... I don't know where your blue shirt is. Our thirty-five year marriage is over. I've left you, and I'm never coming back. And you want to know where your SHIRT is?!

[She walks away into the room behind the stairs.]

ANGIE: Oh, I stole your shirt? Well, you stole my youth! And it's a good thing your mother's dead, because what you did would kill her! And by the way, in case you're wondering...

[Caroline chops the celery more and more violently to block out Angie's screaming. Eventually, Angie stops and throws the phone hard against the wall, then returns to the kitchen.]

ANGIE: I'll buy you a new phone.

ANNIE: And listen to this: she put the Jesus with the moving eyes in my bathroom. My mother's driving me crazy.
CAROLINE: That reminds me, I have to get a new telephone.
ANNIE: Why does it remind you of that?
CAROLINE: Uh, 'cause I have to call my mom.

[They move to the front of the line.]

CAROLINE: Oh look, there's Richard!
MELODY: May I help you?
ANNIE: Uh, yes, actually, we want that boy.

[She points to Richard. He walks over and Melody walks away.]

RICHARD: Well, if it isn't Tiny Tim and the Slut of Christmas Past.
ANNIE: We have a few things that need to be wrapped.

[They put a large red ball and a potted cactus on the counter.]

CAROLINE: It was her idea.
RICHARD: Oh Annie, if only you could learn to use your powers of super-obnoxiousness for good.

[He sticks a bow on each item.]

MELODY: What are you doing? The bow never touches the gift directly. Bow, paper, box, tissue, gift.
RICHARD: Window, push, pavement, splat, relief.
CAROLINE: It's good to know you spread this kind of joy everywhere you work.
ANNIE: Bye, Richard.

[They exit. The cop from earlier enters.]

COP: I'm here for my teddy bear.
RICHARD: Oh. Yes, of course, Officer. Right away. [He looks around for it.] Uh...just one second.

[He walks over to Melody and interrupts her work.]

MELODY: [annoyed] I am curling a ribbon, Richard!
RICHARD: There was a wrapped teddy bear here before. Where is it?
MELODY: Did it have a peacock blue hold slip with it?
RICHARD: [annoyed] I don't know what kind of bird it had with it.
MELODY: Well, if you can't remember whether it had a hold slip or not, how could I possibly know where it is?
RICHARD: Because your entire life is gift wrapping, Melody, and if you don't know where a gift is, doesn't that make your whole life a fraud?
MELODY: You're falling in love with me, aren't you?
COP: Hey Stretch, where's my ring?
RICHARD: [to Melody] For god's sake, where is the bear? This guy has a gun and no sense of humour!
MELODY: Well, I was wrapping a lot of them for the toy department, so if it didn't have a hold slip, maybe it's up there.
RICHARD: [to the cop] Uh, could you just excuse me for one moment? I just have to get a special policeman's bow. I'll be right back. [He exits.]
COP: [to Melody] Is he coming back?
MELODY: Oh yeah. [She pats her hair and smiles.]

RICHARD: [frantically] Where are the bears?
MANAGER: I think they played Detroit this week.
RICHARD: No, for god's sake. I went to the toy department, and they said the wrapped teddy bears were up here.
MANAGER: Sir, if you want to buy a bear, we have a lovely-
RICHARD: No, I don't want to buy a bear. It's for a customer. I work here.
MANAGER: Well, I can tell you that this was my idea. You see, we have these underpriveledged children visiting us today, and Santa is giving away the bears.
RICHARD: The hell he is!

[He runs up to the display and starts rummaging though Santa's sack.]

SANTA: What are you doing? You can't do that!
RICHARD: Fine. Put a lump of coal in my stocking.
MANAGER: Security! I'm getting security! [He exits.]
SANTA: This is Santa's bundle of toys! It's sacred!
RICHARD: Hey, hey, look! Lighten up. In a month, you'll be back at off-track betting, smoking Kools.
CHILD: [offscreen] Mommy, look! My bear has a ring!
RICHARD: The hell it does! [He runs towards the child.]

ANNIE: That's what I can get my parents for Christmas! I'll send them to Italy! That way they get a second honeymoon, I'll get peace and quiet.
CAROLINE: Annie, Annie, you can't get them tickets.
ANNIE: Well, I know it's a little pricey, but if I get everybody else McDonald's gift certificates, it'll work out.

[She walks towards the door, but Caroline stops her.]

CAROLINE: There are no termites. Your parents had a big fight, and your mom has moved out.
ANNIE: My god. Why didn't you tell me before?
CAROLINE: It's none of my business.
ANNIE: Why are you telling me now?
CAROLINE: [pointing to the sign] The tickets are non-refundable. What are you going to do?
ANNIE: Well, I've been through this before, I know what to do. My father is reasonable. I call him, sit him down, get him to work out their problems. If that doesn't work, I tell them that you and I are getting married, and they freak out and cling to each other.
CAROLINE: I thought your parents liked me.

REMO: Listen, maybe it's none of my business, Annie, but if you start getting involved in your parents' marriage, oh boy. I mean, look at me. When I was a boy, my parents fought all the time. But I work, I work, I get them to reconcile. They have six more children... [choked up] And look what happens to my inheritance.

[Lou enters.]

LOU: Annie!
ANNIE: Hey, Daddy!
LOU: How are you, baby?
ANNIE: Good.

[They kiss.]

LOU: Come on, sit down.

[They sit at a table.]

LOU: Aw, the traffic in the tunnel was murder!
ANNIE: Dad, you never take the tunnel.
LOU: Now I know why!
ANNIE: Listen, um...I don't know how to say this...but, uh, Ma is driving me freakin' nuts!
LOU: I'm sorry, baby.
ANNIE: Look, I don't know what the problem is between the two of you, but straighten it out, okay?
LOU: Annie, it's not that simple.
ANNIE: Oh, come on. What'd you do this time? She caught you soaking your feet in the big saucepan again?
LOU: Sweetie, I, uh...I met someone.
ANNIE: You mean, like, you ran into someone you knew, like at the supermarket or something?
LOU: I met a woman!

[pause]

ANNIE: You're having an AFFAIR?!
REMO: [from the bar] An affair? Uh, you know, we do catering.

[Annie turns and glares at him, and he gasps in realisation.]

ANNIE: [to Lou] I can't believe this!
LOU: Annie, just try for a second to think of me not as your father, but as a man.
ANNIE: [grossed out] No!
LOU: When I first met your mother, I was eighteen. She was seventeen. A year later, we got married. Seven months after that, we had your brother Tony...two months premature! I always liked your mother, I really do...
ANNIE: You love her!
LOU: Yeah, I love her, but I was never in love with her. I thought I'd go through my whole life without ever knowing what that was like. I didn't even know if I could be in love. Now, I know.
ANNIE: Dad...
LOU: Annie, look at me. I'll be old soon. I gotta take a shot.

[pause]

ANNIE: What's her name?
LOU: Theresa. She's a bookkeeper.

[A tear runs down Annie's face.]

ANNIE: [quietly] Oh.

[She wipes the tear away with a napkin.]

CHARLIE: What've you got?
DEL: Keep watching the door!
CHARLIE: I will. Is there a gun?
DEL: There's...gum.
CHARLIE: One letter away. Sca-ry.

[He looks out the door again.]

CHARLIE: Del, Del! Here she comes! Here she comes!

[They quickly step away from the purse.]

DEL: Okay, act natural.

[They look at a folder.]

CHARLIE: [mumbles] The Prady file has...
DEL: That looks good.

[Rachel enters.]

RACHEL: Hey, boys. I'm back.
DEL: Yes, you are.

[Rachel sits at her desk.]

CHARLIE: [whispers] Maybe we should fire her.
DEL: We can't just fire her.
CHARLIE: Maybe that would be good. Maybe when she kills is her way of quitting.

[Rachel stands up suddenly with a stapler in her hand.]

RACHEL: Okay, that's it!
CHARLIE: [ducking] Down, Del, down! That stapler's loaded!
RACHEL: What is going on?! Why do you two keep whispering?
DEL: Look, Rachel, it's about your resumé.
RACHEL: Oh my god, you found out.
CHARLIE: Please don't kill us. Just cut our tongues out.
RACHEL: Why would I do that?
DEL: Rachel, we know that all the employers on your resumé are dead.
RACHEL: [sheepish] Oh jeez, I should never have done that.

[She walks towards them, and they shrink back against the wall.]

DEL: Hey, we're not here to judge!
RACHEL: Well, it's just, I haven't worked in seven years, so I just picked names out of the obituaries. That way, no-one could check on me.

[Del and Charlie hug each other and laugh.]

DEL: This is such a relief. You have no idea what we were thinking.
CHARLIE: [laughing] Yeah, Del thought you killed 'em all!
RACHEL: Oh! [She laughs.] That is so funny!
DEL: So, what have you been up to for the past seven years?
RACHEL: Prison.

[Del and Charlie back away again.]

DEL: May we ask why?
RACHEL: Okay, here's my version: he was already dead when I got there! The only reason that my fingerprints were on the body is I was, like...

[As she's talking, Del and Charlie sneak past her and head for the door.]

ANNIE: And then he says to me, 'Don't think of me as your father, think of me as a man'. Ew!
CAROLINE: Wow, a thirty-five year marriage, over just like that. Doesn't anything last forever?
ANNIE: [bitterly] Yeah, "Cats" on Broadway!
CAROLINE: Does your Ma know you know?
ANNIE: No, I didn't tell her. I was hoping that...seeing as how...you two bonded over the spaghetti sauce-

[Caroline realises what she means and makes protesting noises through a mouthful of wine.]

ANNIE: [quickly] That maybe you would tell her!
CAROLINE: No no no, Annie! I am not getting between your mother and father again. I just got a new phone.
ANGIE: [from outside] Annie!
ANNIE: [to Caroline] Ma wants you.

[Caroline gives her a look, and Annie exits.]

[Cut to the hallway. Angie is there, with her suitcases.]

ANNIE: What are you doing, Ma?
ANGIE: I'm driving you crazy.
ANNIE: No! No, you're not driving me crazy! What made you think that?
ANGIE: This morning on the bathroom mirror you wrote, 'Get out, Ma, you're driving me crazy'.
ANNIE: Well, it was the steam talking. Ma, I saw Dad.
ANGIE: Oh. How is he?
ANNIE: Fine.

[pause]

ANNIE: Hey, you know, I was thinking, maybe you should stay here for a couple of weeks, or something. Huh?

[Angie smiles.]

ANNIE: We'll put up a tree. You'll cook. It'll be great.

[pause]

ANGIE: [tearfully] You're a great kid, Anna Marie! [She hugs Annie.]
ANNIE: [quietly] Yeah. But we're getting rid of the Jesus in the bathroom.

MANAGER: Mr Karinsky, the store takes a very dim view of ripping toys from the tiny hands of underprivelaged children.
RICHARD: It was only one child.
MANAGER: Be that as it may. Now, our original reaction was to let you go, but Miss Fife has made an empassioned plea on your behalf.

[Melody smiles at Richard.]

MANAGER: So, we're going to transfer you to another department where you can better absorb the holiday spirit. Follow me.

[He exits. Melody grabs Richard's arm.]

MELODY: We can still have lunch. Call me.

[She suggestively tears a piece of wrapping paper. Richard looks scared and exits.]

ANNIE: They'll probably get a divorce. Although, it's probably not going to affect me, I'm not a kid. I don't live with them.
CAROLINE: That's a really good attitiude.
ANNIE: Yeah. I wish I had it.
CAROLINE: Well look, I have a surprise that just might cheer you up.

[She leads Annie to another part of the room.]

CAROLINE: [calls out] Richard!

[Richard turns around and sees them. He is dressed in an adorable elf costume, with a morose expression on his face.]

ANNIE: [shrieks] YES! [She laughs.]
CAROLINE: I think this calls for a photograph, eh?

[They cuddle up on either side of him and pose for the camera.]

CAROLINE: Smile!

[The photographer takes their picture.]

RICHARD: No wonder so many people kill themselves during the holidays.