Spoiler Guide by Jayne Denker

Written by Kieran Prendiville
Directed by Paul Harrison
Produced by Joy Lale First
First UK Broadcast: 25th February 1996
Viewing Figure:

Outside the church, which is being renovated, a car pulls up, and an angry Niamh gets out, arguing with her father, because Brian has decided to get in touch with an old girlfriend. She's late for her and Ambrose's meeting with Peter. In the church, Peter is reciting a possible reading to be used in their wedding to a glum-looking Ambrose. Niamh rushes in, apologizes for being late, and berates Ambrose for eating a sweet. She's only there a few more moments before, preoccupied with Brian's news, she hurries out again.

Liam and Donal are building a hut on the mountain for Brian. They meet Eamonn and Mr. McKenna, an inspector for the European Union, who's counting Eamonn's sheep for his farm subsidy. Liam and Donal tell Mr. McKenna that he missed about fifty or sixty sheep on the way up; the inspector is skeptical.

Assumpta hustles Walter, her supplier, out of Fitzgerald's. She refuses to order more barrels of stout, as only one customer--Brendan--drinks it. Walter calls it treason, that an Irish pub wouldn't stock barrels of stout. Assumpta says she'll reconsider when tourist season starts, but holds her ground in the meantime.

Timmy-Joe is eating his lunch while he's working on the church. As a mouse gets perilously close to his sandwich, he nudges it away with his foot and loses his grip on the rope holding a stone bust of a saint. Ambrose, in his car by the church, sees Padraig chasing a goat he had already scolded him about not keeping tied up, and gets out of the car to make good on his threat to punish Padraig. It's just in time--seconds later, the statue crashes through the sunroof of the car and lands right where Ambrose had been sitting. Ambrose, stunned, shrugs off the help of Brendan and Peter, who saw the accident and rushed to his side. Ambrose wanders, dazed, into the church.

Niamh, meanwhile, sits in Fitzgerald's, looking for support from Assumpta regarding her opinion that Brian's date is an insult to her mother's memory. Assumpta doesn't agree with her. They're interrupted by Peter's entrance; he's come to tell Niamh about Ambrose's close call. Niamh, still preoccupied with her father's actions, doesn't realize the impact of what Peter's saying, and instead changes the subject and asks Peter to speak to her father about his plans.

Peter visits Brian and learns his side of the story: Brian was in love with Rosarie before he'd met Niamh's mother, and they used to go up on the mountain to be alone, where "not even Father Mac could find [them]". They had made a pact that if they ever split up, they'd promise to meet on the mountain. Peter learns that they broke up because Brian fell in love with Niamh's mother.

Niamh tries telling her tale to a drunk Siobhan but finds no support from her either. Assumpta jokes that Niamh is afraid of a double wedding; Niamh storms out. Brendan enters and orders his "usual", a pint of stout, and Assumpta has to break the news to him that she no longer carries it except in bottles.

Peter leaves the church and is pleased to find that Ambrose, who had been praying for a long time, has finally gone. However, he gets home to find Ambrose camped on his doorstep. Over tea, Ambrose tells Peter that he has been called to the priesthood. Peter, dismayed and realizing that Ambrose just has cold feet about his impending marriage, tries to convince him he doesn't really want to be a priest, to no avail.

In Fitzgerald's, Padraig amuses himself by teasing Eamonn, saying that there are satellites that can see the landscape so closely that it can count "the warts on your nose", let alone the actual number of sheep on a mountain. The old farmer, believing Padraig, is alarmed that he might be caught "padding" the number of sheep he has to increase his subsidy.

Peter tells Father Mac about Ambrose's news, hoping the elder priest will agree that Ambrose needs to realize that he's mistaken in his vocation. Instead, Father Mac defends Ambrose's choice, partly because he believes Ambrose's calling to be a true one, but more because it would add one more man to Ireland's shrinking population of priests.

Ambrose calls off the wedding, and Niamh rushes to Assumpta for comfort. Peter enters the kitchen where they are sitting, and Assumpta lashes out at him, blaming the Church for Ambrose's decision. Peter retreats to the bar, where Padraig and Siobhan are laughing over Ambrose's decision. Peter finds no friends there, either, and so moves to leave; he's stopped by Eamonn, who asks him about the satellites Padraig mentioned. Peter unfortunately chooses the imagery of a satellite being able to count something "as big as a sheep"; Eamonn considers this carefully.

By that night, Niamh has got exceedingly drunk and announces that she still wants her reception so she can get drunk and fall down, as well as return all the gifts. Assumpta says, "That's hardly a wedding reception," whereupon Niamh declares that that's what she'll call the party: Hardly A Wedding Reception.

Assumpta puts her to bed in one of the pub's rooms, then apologizes to Peter for blaming the Church for Ambrose's cold feet. Their conversation is interrupted by a ruckus outside. Siobhan announces that the gard is "being throttled". Everyone runs across the street to find that Brian, who, realizing that Niamh wasn't in her room so late at night and assuming she had snuck off to be with Ambrose, does indeed have Ambrose pulled out of his bedroom window by his pajama collar. Peter and Brendan pull Brian off Ambrose, and Peter tells Brian that Niamh is asleep in the pub, not with Ambrose.

The next morning, Walter returns to Fitzgerald's with an offer for Assumpta. In order to avoid the public relations crisis the company would have if anyone heard that an Irish pub refused to carry stout, he offers to give Assumpta the barrels of stout for free until the tourist season starts; the offer is so good Assumpta can't refuse.

Niamh's Hardly A Wedding Reception is held that night, and everyone takes a sudden liking to stout. Assumpta keeps a growing tally of how much stout is drunk beside Brian's tab. Niamh makes a speech thanking everyone for their support and tells everyone to collect their gifts. She then asks them not to be too hard on Ambrose. Taking a term from Peter, she says he's "just confused" and to let him work it out. Breaking down at last, Niamh runs upstairs, crying.

In the kitchen, Assumpta appeals to Peter to do something to rectify the situation. She suggests he lie about the statue--to say it wasn't St. John, even though the name is engraved on the bust. Naturally Peter doesn't want to lie, but he goes outside to talk to Ambrose, who is watching the festivities from up the road. Peter says he's not going to try to talk Ambrose out of his decision, and he thanks him for letting him skip the "cold feet" speech he always ends up giving couples soon to be married. Then he launches into it anyway, not allowing Ambrose to get a word in edgeways. As he moves to leave, he says one last thing--that Ambrose had made a mistake. The statue wasn't St. John the Evangelist, patron saint of priests, but St. John the Baptist. As Peter walks away, he guiltily glances heavenward.

Ambrose enters the pub, and everyone stops to stare; once again, he Niamh her to marry him. Niamh says "Probably," but she's happy. The wedding is back on. From behind the bar, Assumpta gives Peter a look of thanks.

The next day, Rosarie arrives on the mountain. Liam, who had been left alone in the hut to wait for her, calls Brian. Brian rushes up the mountain and Rosarie runs toward him, arms outstretched...and punches him. They argue and sort out who left whom, then catch up on old times. She tells him she has a husband and family, and they discuss their children. She also tells Brian that she was a teacher, but now she's doing research for the European Union, on satellites. "You could call it counting sheep," she says, then is stunned by the number of fake sheep on the mountain--what Eamonn's been building non stop for days.

Father Mac berates Peter for talking Ambrose out of joining the priesthood. Peter tries to explain that Ambrose is a natural, "cold-hearted" policeman, not a priest...and it's illustrated in the fact that Ambrose would even have Father Mac's car, parked illegally in front of Peter's house, towed away as they spoke.

With things somewhat back to normal, Peter enjoys the day by having a cup of coffee on the bench outside Fitzgerald's as Assumpta carries out the empties. They discuss Niamh and Ambrose, and Assumpta tells Peter that if two people are meant to be together, nothing will keep them apart. Then Assumpta gives Peter all the money she made from the free stout, to help repair the church roof. Just as things can't get any better for Peter, he witnesses Father Mac, without a car, climbing on the bus like a commoner to get back to Cilldargan.

Typical quotes

Memorable lines