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Episode III director named, Axe-Files, Homeless Herc,
Trek stuff, Doctor Who to return!, South Park Youth Awarded, B5-Crusade Update, Dr Who at 35, Homocles,
B5 secrets revealed, Xena vs Leela vs Jessica Rabbit, Star Trek IX, Herc/Xena shock!, Doctor Down Under, Monty Python's Life of Adric, Sacred Wig Found, Doctor Who on Trial- Again, Spock Horror

London Zoo- Blackie, the first Dalek to be born in captivity in an Earth Zoo will soon recieved a mate from Mars zoo.   Dalek numbers worldwide are dwindling with only 20 left in the wild, yet once tamed the Skaro mutants lose their libido entirely.
 Before capture, whenever a Dalek became 'excited', they would wave their appendages wildly in order to attract a mate. Having found one, they would then order it to submit to its will or else it would kill the slaves, then the Dalek arousal would be displayed when one of its appendages sprouted a 'bud'. Unfortunately, captivity has meant a droopier attitude from the metallic pepper pots.
 In order to prevent their extermination, Vets have embarked on a massive artificial insemination drive which aims to prevent a further fall in Dalek numbers. Blackie, noted for his black with white spots colouring, has entertained Zoo visitors for years with his cries of "When the time is right, we shall regain our rightful place as the supreme rulers of the Universe," but in recent times has been absent from view causing many visitors to leave frustrated.
 "It's absolutley typical," said one visitor who wished to remain anonymous, although he is in fact Mr. G Nesbit of Bristol. "We came all the way here just so the kids could see the Dalek and we're told he's shy around people. Supreme Rulers? Supreme bollocks more like!"
 The Mars Zoo Dalek, known as Goldielocks after her red and gold livery, will arive in three days time. After a short period in quarantine, she will be impregnated with the "seeds of death" taken from Blackie last week. The usual Gestation of the Daleks takes about three years but can be speeded up with massive doses of lovely neutron radiation.


After the stinging criticism of Episode I: The Phantom Menace, George Lucas has decided after helming episode two he will revert to his original methodolgy and allow someone else to direct episode three (After Irwin Kershner and Richard Marquand directed Empire and Jedi respectively). Lucasfilm is apparently in early talks with View Askew Productions' Kevin Smith (director of Clerks, Chasing Amy and Dogma). Nothing is certain but some details of the negotiations have leaked out.
Jay and Silent Bob will appear as stoner Sith Lords
Ben Affleck will star. Failing that, Jason Lee. Also  making appearances will be Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson somewhere as Junk Traders and whoever Kevin Smith is dating at the time will play Armidala. Known for his dick and fart jokes, Smith has been asked by Lucasfilm to tone down the swearing but have no problem with references to flatulence.
 Location filming in New Jersey will include a general store in a scum-ridden space port (hence the perfect location is the Quick Stop).

The budget will be 300 000 Dollars, a step up for Smith but CGI will be minimal. What CGI effects will be provided by a state of the art (in 1987) Amiga 500. Though claims of photo realism will have to wait until the software finished loading form the 230 required floppies. "Please insert Disk 159"

It's official, there's a real life conspiracy to end the Fox series "The X-Files." Nothing to do with Rupert Murdoch being cancer man, the series will end after David Duchovny becomes more and more anxious to expose his privates on celluloid after nearly 7 years without waving little Mulder in front of a camera. Gillian Anderson is also ready to move on. After going mad shortly after the end of season one, she has too expressed a desire to seek pastures aplenty.

Says Anderson, "It's Duchovny's fault. I've been caught out too many times. He says 'hey Gillian' come and see this really cool  thing in my trailer' and I would say 'No David, I don't want to see your penis.' And to this he'd reply 'No seriously, this things is really cool. you've got to come and see it. And then I'd go in and he'd show me his penis. This went on, day in, day out,  for seven years, so much so that the scene from the Crying Game has lost all impact to me." 

2000 is the 10th anniversary of the BBC announcing that Doctor Who was being rested for a short while until it was ready to be properly made. The BBC has celebrated the series cancellation with a Doctor Who Night of the Dead evening on BBC 2. To get the message once and for all that the Doctor is dead and that there is no point in fans clinging to the hope that the Beeb will ever again allow the series to be made. So they have scheduled the following episodes, Deadly Assassin episodes 1-3, Caves of Androzani 1-3, Terror of the Autons 1-3. Basically, by not showing the conclusion to episodes, they hope once and for all to get through to diehard whovians that he doesn't come back next week.

Lucy Lawless helps Homeless Hercules
After the ending of Hercules:Legendary Journeys over a pancake mix dispute, Kevin Sorbo has revealed the reason he went straight to Canada to work on a new series rather than LA was because his house had been destroyed in the years he had been away. The incident just two months before the star returned from New Zealand. It appears that he left a dripping tap on, which overflowed and over the course of several years where Kev was in NZ fretting over pancake mix, the water dripped out of his house and gradually ate away at the earth underneath his house. The house eventually fell into the sinkhole, swallowing Kevin's Wife. Sorbo always tries to keep a distance between him and his on-screen character. "My first wife was killed by a rampaging demon, my second by a falling skyscraper and the third by my undead evil half-brother. Nothing like Hercules.

With the end of Deep Space Nine, speculation is mounting as to what Paramount will do next with the Star Trek Franchise on TV. Voyager only has another year to go before salaries become too expensive for it to kept on air and the studio makes more money off a syndicated series (like TNG or DS9)
100 fans were surveyed to find what they liked from all four live action television series of Star Trek. Paramount's original thinking was to take the elements that appealed most to people and combine them into one series. Then the results showed what everyone wanted was Classic Trek with Data in it.
But two series make more money than one and since they believe than fans will watch any old shit with Star Trek on it,then they will take inspiration from episodes such as Enemy Within, Second Chances and Faces and make one series that contains everything people want from Star Trek and another that distills everything Paramount has served them previously that they didn't respond to.
The First series, title unknown, will feature a new version of the Enterprise with a bold captain whos is also bald, but wears a toupee, yet acknowledges it, a robot Vulcan first officer, a sexy empath and a crusty old Doctor with a scottish engineer and a Klingon security officer with a shape-shifting Ferengi and Hologram rounding out the crew. And all the Borg will be like Seven of Nine.
The Second series, title also unknown but known internally as Star Trek: Sloppy Seconds is also set aboard a starship.
Captain Doctor Crusher will head a creche ship that looks after any character whose ever appeared in Star Trek under the age of 20 (Alexander, Nog, Jake, Wesley, Kes).

Star Trek X is now being readied for production and the news from Paramount is that the 'X' does not represent the numerical value but the content.
Draeing on elements from the seris We really will boldy go where no man has gone before, or in Doctor Crusher's case, where no man has gone in a long time. Also to be featured are Anatomically correct Data, Picard shows his heart is not the only artificial organ he posesses and Geordi lands in trouble with Federation Authorities when it's revealed that he's augmented his VISOR so that it doesn't register fabric, though he does win a technical award for inventing X-Ray specs.


Even 10 years after the BBC axed Doctor Who like a silent fart (you don't know anything about it at first but gradually the realisation hits you that something foul is afoot), the clamour for the series return is still loud enough to force the Beeb into action. The BBC has announced the series will return in three and in a move they hope will please the fans have confirmed that the new series will follow the series' continuity to the letter. Apparently this extends to the fact that Timelords have only 13 incarnations.
Fan reaction at first was positive until sources within the BBC leaked. A plumber who is also a fan was at the BBC fixing a broken toilet when he heard some BBC execs in the next stall. When they were finished they spoke about their plans to announce the series' return to shut the fans up, yet not have to make it and still have a reason that even fans can't argue with.
The BBC announce a new series, one that will keep the same continuity with the original series but have to say that they can't make the show because the Doctor has already used up all of his allotted lives. Hartnell was the first, followed by Troughton (2), Pertwee (3), Tom Baker (4), Peter Davison (5), Colin Baker (6), Sylvester McCoy(7) and Paul McGann (8).
But the BBC argue that Rowan Atkinson has played the Doctor (9), so has Peter Cushing (10) and Richard Hurndell (11), Terry Walsh (12). These people have all been credited as the Doctor in various BBC publications. Where's the 13th? BBC 2 screen Star Trek: Voyager so the Doctor is played by Robert Picardo

Just when you thought our screens were flooded with series and specials consisting of footage of real life events such as security camera footage and in-car police videos going by such titles as When Animals Attack, Police Camera Stop, World's Whackist Weather and What Went Wrong? it seems viewers have even more of these specials in store.
 Television networks have signed deals for dozens more of these specials but Planet of the Sh*t-St*rrers has found leaked details of these top-secret specials.
WHEN HERPES ATTACKS- A marvelous 48 part series featuring real life footage of ordinary people battling extraordinary STD's. See the mother of three battle chronic cold sores, marvel at the newlyweds dealing with painful urinary tract infections and laugh at the plight of the 80 year old fingernail-less grandfather of forty six  deal with  pubic lice
A new series of real peoples' camcorder footage. Highlights include the time Uncle Gus left the lens cap on during his neice's wedding, Sally leaves her camcorder hanging on her shoulder recording while hiking and Ben thinks he's captured footage of a daring bank robbery but instead gives the local news a tape of him and his girlfriend in a hotel room.
Surveillance footage of Security Guards using surveillance equipment to zoom in on parts of the female anatomy. Only on the Playboy Channel
SOUTH PARK YOUTH AWARDED (contains offensive language)
Eric Cartman, the foul mouthed 8 year old from South Park, Colorado, was today named as Comedy Creation of the 90's. Cartman, who is described by himself as a sensitive young man exploring the stresses placed on pre-teens at the end of the 20th Century, and by everyone else as a 'fat ass,' heads the top of the list of the greatest comedy characters to first appear in the 90's, ahead of other luminaries such as Hank Hill, Joey, Mike Moore, Father Ted Crilly, The Soup Nazi and Alan Partridge.
 The list was put together by a commitee made up of representatives of various groups such as the  Comedic Relief Association of Pensacola,
People of England's North Idiosyncratic Satirists,
Variety And General Insurance Needs Affiliates
Female Union of Concerned Kleptomaniocs
Asian Society for Sexual Education, South
The Voting was tight with the people from CRAP swayed by South Park's scatalogical humour but PENIS decided that the show's representation of the British, ie Pip, was offensive. VAGINAitched over certain gynacological mistakes, while ASSES were sore over the use of much childish humour. FUCK, however, approved of the show as it steered clear of using the 'F' word.
 A spokesman for creators Parker/Stone later read a statement. 'You're account is now overdrawn. Please pay the balance in 7 days or your credit card may be cut up.
 Number one on the list was Eric Cartman whith another South Park colleague, Mr Hankey was number two. In a related story, the second season episode of SP, "Roger Ebert Should Lay off Fatty Foods, recently won a Hugo award as the Best Star Trek Episode in years.

Babylon 5 Crusade Info
After months of work behind closed doors at Straczynski Ranch, better known as JMS's one room apartment over a sausage factory, POTSS can reveal information regarding the forthcoming show, Crusade, B5's spin-off; gleaned from a source deep inside the organisation, better known as hos landlady. Speaking on a cellular mobile phone, she told us of casting details such as the series star. Before being cut-off as she entered a GSM blind spot, also known as Southern California she told us that the star would be Gary Cole... before being cut off. So we assume congratulations are in order for Gary Coleman, pint-sized star of Diff'rent Strokes, who, like Sheridan, also has 20 years to live.
 Can we also assume that, just as Lost In Space stars Billy Mumy and June Lockhart both appeared in Babylon 5, that other Diff'rent Strokes stars will make appearances. Todd Bridges as Franklin, Conrad Bain as a Technomage or how about Mr Garret as a lady of the Centauri Royal Court.
In November 1998, Doctor Who will be 35 and to celebrate the BBC has decided to pull out
all the stops in an event to rival the 27th, 29th and 30th anniversaries. First up, a new series will be announced, then cancelled. Then a movie will be announced, the cancelled. Then a special will be announced then cancelled. Then a co-produced movie will be announced, cancelled, revived, made, flop then be cancelled. The Beeb says this will be their biggest tribute to the show since they repeated Planet of the Daleks in 1993.
 A BBC spokesman says the corporation wants a big budget look to compete with such classy American competition as "Dark Skies, sea Quest and Nowhere Man."
 "We want a show with special effects that make you think and stories to take your breath away.
Though not literally because that would be fatal." The spokesman later denied he was using drugs but later  added, "I love you." 

The BBC has announced plans to produce a legend-based series
in a similar vein to the recent phenomenon of US companies
plundering everyone else's  myths. Just has  Hercules and Xena are based on Greek myths, Sinbad on Arabian stories, Robin Hood on British myths, the new BBC series will also rob, I mean plunder, er, borrow from foreign sources, sort of. This time, its Irish.
The Rimming Adventures of Oscar Wilde will follow the fortunes of
the famoush Irish wit and along with his hordes of young male sidekicks as he fights the establishment and is incarcerated for his leanings. Being a family show, the lead characters' homosexuality will only be alluded to and like Hercules, his sidekick will be new creations. There's fellow wit Roger with occasional appearances by the chubby con-man Simon and master thief Maquis De Sade.
Scripts for the first season have been written with a heavy 'subtext' with innocent scenes such as Oscar and Roger sharing a bath and shopping for gerbils played straight with a nod to a large section of viewers.
The series will open with a series of Tele-movies- Oscar Wilde in the Nightclub, Oscar Wilde in San Fransisco and Oscar Wilde on Broadway.


BABYLON 5's secrets Revealed!

After the recent break-in at the home of Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Straczinsky, it was only a matter of time before the stolen manuscripts surfaced. These manuscripts have surfaced on the internet and we can be the first to reveal that the season finale will feature Sheridan leaping from a great height. Season Six's finale will see Sheridan jumping off Olympus Mons on Mars only to be saved by a freak gust of wind while season seven sees bungy-boy Sheridan leaping from the tallest building on Centaui and being saved by a temporal anomaly suddenly opening opening up and returning him to Earth in the year 1970. The outcome of negotiations for season eight will depend on whether Sheridan emerges in our time either over a fluffy bed or the Grand Canyon.

More Babylon 5


A fight broke out on the "Ricki Lake Show" when Xena Warrior Princess attacked Leela of the Sevateem during a show entitled "Bad Assed but Nice Butt." Host Ricki Lake, whose own posterior recently caused a solar eclipse in New York while visiting the top of the Empire State Building, recounted the sequence of events at a press conference after the incident. "Wonder Woman had just finished a story where the moral was never change into your costume in your own plane when your plane's most distinguishing feature is invisibility when Xena rode in. She immediately took exception to Mrs Emma Peel, likening her to latex clad cucumber who couldn't kick her way out of a paper bag and called the savage Leela a scrawny bag of bones in search of a good meal. In fact it wasn't actually Xena who said that but an annoying little red-head with her. Leela produced a blow pipe and a pouch of lethal Janis Thorns and killed Xena's companion Gabrielle. Xena didn't worry too much, noting she never seems to stay dead for long but when Leela challenged Xena to unarmed combat it soon became apparent when the two short skirted vixens high-kicked each other just exactly who it was who was wearing the panties 'round here."

The incident is the latest in a long line of troubles for Lucy Lawless in what is being dubbed "The Curse of Xena." First there was her fall off a horse accompanied by the actress' cries of "I broke my pelvis!" That was followed by the baseball national anthem affair dubbed by one sub-editor as "Rogue Breasts Arrested for Lawlessness" and another with simply "Lucy and her Breasts on a Baseball Diamond."

Hercules and Xena

It's Official- Trek IX to be deliberately crap!

Recognising the so-called curse of the odd-numbered dire/ even numbered great phenomenon of the Star Trek film "Would you like franchise with that?"- Rick Berman, Great Bird of the Paramount Lot and keeper of the flame has decreed that no effort whatsoever will be put into Star Trek Nine rather than spending 40 million dollars and the end result just seeming like no effort whatsoever was put into the production.

"We dropped twenty-five million dollars into Star Trek VII", said Berman. "We even dropped the number from the title, got series regulars, Ronald B Moore to do the script and Ron D Moore to handle handle the effects. It was only afterwards we realised we hired the writer to film models and the FX guy to tap out a final draft."

Star Trek IX will be directed by Jonathan Frakes from Michael Piller script, the latter seeing Braga and Moore's success and decided he wanted a cut of the action. Piller revealed that this decision will allow lesser utilised characters such to play a fuller Role. "Gates McFadden in particular", began Piller, "has been on back 24 hours a day. She really wants more screen time to develop her character. She suggested her character could perhaps have a love affair with a Romulan high commander. Gates is adamant about this. She's bombarded my answering machine with mesages, organised letter writing campaigns and camped out on my doorstep."

An early draft reportedly sees Dr Crusher isolated from the rest of the crew trapped in a septic tank crawling with rats for the duration of the film.
Go to more Star Trek

A shock announcement from the New Zealand set of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess  has put the false mythological television hero industry into  a spin. A
new trade descriptions act means that a series named after a hero must actually feature that hero in new footage in each episode. This means that the number of Hercules and Xena episodes per season will be reduced from 22 to 8 episodes. While this means there are fewer episodes per season, it does mean that Kevin Sorbo will actually appear in more episodes this year's 8- episode season than he did in last year's 22 instalments. And the next time Lucy Lawless's pelvis is crushed, she will have to grin and near it on camera next time.
The ruling was widened on appeal to include a ban on body-swaps, young hercules, old xena, and "where is Hercules" and having the actor appear for a few seconds at the end of the episode.  Also , characters dying will have to stay dead, ressurections limited to one per character so major rewrites will be needed for the new batch of Xena episodes if Gabrielle is to continue.

The early eighties saw a rash of successful British shows recreated by idea-starved Australian networks. Typically starring the lead of the UK original, shows such as Love Thy Neighbour Down Under, Father Dear Father Down Under (with Patrick Cargil), Are You being Served Down Under (with John Inman) and of course Prisoner, (starring Patrick McGoohan as Vinegear Tits), gave the impression Australian TV was the nadir (there's that word so loved by fans again) of international broadcasting. That was then and this was now. Channel 7- claiming the most original programming in the World (Gladiators from the US, Man O Man from Germany, Funniest People from the US and Better Homes and Garden from Channel Nine) has announced it will make a pilot for an Australian series of Doctor Who . Quick as ever to jump on the bandwagon, the other networks all shot back with plans to make their own version of the series. Here is a quick rundown on the various suggested formats.

Who Heelers will air once a week in an hour long episode with the Doctor exiled to a small country town. The Doctor (John Wood) is scientific advisor to the Victorian Police Force with companion Victoria (Lisa McCune). The TARDIS is out of action so the Doctor's main transportation is a VT Commodore V6 with all the usual police mods. A state of temporal grace will be maintained with the use of the Doctor's sonic night-stick and K-9 will travel on the ute tray.

PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- Jamie Dunn as the Dalek Voices

Reknown for the odd title fight, but mostly horse racing, greyhound racing and drag racing (there's a theme here), SKY would capitalise on the series classic stories that could best be adapted to SKY's strengths, most notably The Keys of Marinus, The Chase, The Daleks Masterplan and season 16. The pilot episode shows the Doctor (in red silks) in his efforts to retrieve the deadly Fotophinish before it falls into the wrong hands. Chasing him are the Master (Black and gold) and the Rani(Mauve and taupe) in their respective TARDISes. After last minute scratchings, er, script revisions, the Doctor's TARDIS will now be stuck in the shape of a horse. And so will the Master's. And the Rani's.
SKY Managing Director, E. Quine, has shown me the pilot episode at Eagle Farm. Though it was exciting, I lost $10 on the trifecta. Future episodes would showcase the Third Doctor as he vies for Top Alcohol honours in Bessie.
PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- When the Daleks exterminated Gatting for a duck.

Starring Darryl Somers as the Doctor and Kate Fischer as Peri, Jo Beth Taylor as Jo Grant, Tracey Grimshaw as Sarah Jane Smith; Hey Hey, It's Doctor Who will run for two hours every week on Saturday nights. The TARDIS will have a bigger crew than in the past with Wilbur Wilde as Jamie, Trevor Marmalade as Mike Yates, Russel Gilbert as Adric and John Blackman as the voice of K-Nee. Playing the Master will be Red Symons with his TARDIS in the shape of a gong. The pilot sees the Doctor having to defeat the Great Intelligence and their possessed slaves, the Pluckamen.
PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- When millionaire plant-lover Harrison Chase (Don Burke) is mashed by his own compost machine

Foxtel's vision of the show will merge nicely with their greatest hits and latest failures policy. The Doctor (Mike Hammond) will be in the mould of the 5th Doctor not in the way that he is popular and energetic more that he is a bland pretty boy. He will basically reminisce about past glories and the older(cheaper rights) the better. His companions will include Maynard as Adric (and didn't we all cheer when Earthshock came around), Amanda Keller as theRani and Stan Zemanek as Davros.

Cable operator Optus will share out the show between its fifteen AFL channels. It is not yet known who will play the Doctor but it is known that he will have to jump and wear tight shorts.

The A.B.C.
In Heartbreak Who, the Doctor will be once again seen in its old timeslot. Just as the original began in a high school so the new version will be set in one, although the Doctor and all companions will have every body part pierced more times than Julius Caesar playing a March 15 forum date. Michael Craig recreates the role of the Commodore from Terror of the Vervoids. With a desk-bound setting, many other ABC personalities will appear as favourite villains. John Hind stars as Davros, Helen Wellings as the Inquisitor and Major Les Hiddens as the Brigadier.
PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- Cardinal Borusa (Stuart Littlemore) mud wrestling with Mike Yates (Gary Sweet)

Timewatch would concentrate on the plight of the Thals as they endure their thousand year war with the Kaleds. We see their march across Skaro after their crops failed and starvation threatened to kill them off. The horrible after-effects of the neutron bombs are shockingly recreated.
Also, how the disabled are treated in our society. The program speaks to many prominent wheelchair-bound people about the problems of lack of ramps at spaceports. Interviewed are Davros, Dortmun, Arcturus, The Borad of Karfel, The Collector of Pluto, Captain Revere and Professor Judson
PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- The Doctor relating amusing incidents happening that happened to him in wheelchairs.
- Sharaz Jek 'I haven't been to the beach in years.'
- Morbius tells 'You think you're bad off? Just try finding a taxi equipped for a brain in a jar.'

Holistically, Logically and Who would screen every Monday night. Unlike the original UK series, HLW would give the companions the lion's share of the screen time. Barbara (Tonia Todman) shows how to knot covers for the TARDIS roundels, Ben (Peter Wherret) demonstrates how to rebuild the time rotor on vintage TT capusles, Turlough (Ross Greenwood) gives tips on negative gearing when buying a galaxy on finance while Jo Grant (Lynn Talbot) finally visits beautiful Metebelis III.
PILOT HIGHLIGHTS- Adric (Iain Hewtison) cooks up a Gumblejack, Skarasen fritters and a couple of Sea-devil fingers on the BBQ with a Krynoid Salad and Rutan sorbet.

More Who Below or go to Reviews page

Monty Python’s Life Of Adric
One of the biggest movies of 1979 was Monty Python’s Life of Brian, the second film of a
proposed historical trilogy that had started with the Holy Grail. The financial and critical success
of both of these films prompted the team to finish with an even bigger movie. They had already 
done two films set in the past so the decision was taken by John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Terry 
Jones, Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and Michael Palin to set the third film in the future as a 
reaction to the rash of big-budget science fiction films that dominated the box-office in the late 
seventies such as Star Wars, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Star Trek: The Moped
Picture. The ground work had already been set by John Cleese’s cameo in the Doctor Who
story-City of Death as a prelude to take over the long dormant rights to a third movie held 
by Milton Subotsky since 1965. Thus Monty Python’s Confessions of a Time-Traveller 
was born.
The thrust of the picture was simple. The story would be told through the eyes of the 
Doctor’s various companions as he tried to find the Key to The Front Door, a segment
of each being in the posession of the Doctor’s deadliest enemies. Incoming producer, John
Nathan-Turner, who often saw elements of himself in many Python sketches (such as Beavis,
the hairdresser and would-be lumberjack) became creative consultant (for the first of many
times) while Terrance Dicks would be scwipt editor ( Dicks was quoted at the time saying-
 ‘I pwedict this movie will be compwetewy tewwible cwap’). JuNT was keen to keep 
continuity with the series so although the movie would carry on from Daleks: Invasion Earth,
2150 A.D. as an alternative to the series, JuNT could introduce his companions to
the public so there were no shocks. Stupid plan, I grant you. The Doctor would be played
by all of the Pythons with appropriate wigs and make-up as the Doctor got Gallifrean Leprosy,
a curious ailment that caused him to regenerate every ten minutes.
We start with Terry Jones as the third Doctor, exiled to Earth by the Time-Lords.
Joining up with the Colonel(Chapman) and companion Jo Grant (Carol Cleveland), 
the Doctor has to face the Automatics (Borg Warner). Their favourite method of
attack was a deadly T-Bar two-speed hydramatic gearbox that paralysed it’s victims
with lethargy (Which still afflicts Holden Kingwoods). The Doctor regenerates again
(Graham Chapman) facing the Cyberleader (John Cleese) and his Cyber-Gumbies 
as an invasion of Weston Super-Mare by cyber-ferrets grips the sleepy town. 
Companions Harry Sullivan (Terry Gilliam) and Leela (Carol Cleveland) are 
captured by the Master (Palin), posing as a Cardinal, as he plans to rid the galaxy 
of all toilet paper as the Milky Way Diarrhoea Epidemic takes hold. The Doctor
regenerates into a more youthful figure(Eric Idle) after a disastrous encounter with 
the new Master (Terry Jones) where the Doctor is confronted by an apparition of 
the Colonel who told him to stop what he was doing because it was very silly. With 
companions Adric (Graham Chapman), Tegan (Carol Cleveland), Nyssa (Connie
Booth), Turlough (Palin) and a singing Kamelion (Neil Innes), the Doctor and his
stunt-double (played by Idle’s brother, Bone) finally battles the pepperpots from 
Skaro- The Pepperpots ( oooh, morning Mrs Premise, morning Mrs Conclusion).
The project was dropped when someone realised the whole thing was an April 
Fool’s perpetrated by Douglas Adams whilst drunk in a field in Innsbruck along 
with some other rubbish. The studio time that was taken away from Shada to 
make the Monty Python was eventually lost, leaving both a lost film and a half 
completed story. Terrance Dicks said he was ‘welieved’. Chistopher H.
Bidmead told me he was ‘a goldfish’ about the project. He also added that I 
should ‘go and get *u*ked’. John Cleese is said to be ‘a human being’ and 
‘Anne Elk’ over the demise of the project. Douglas Adams has still got his
copy of the script in a drawer, ready for a sixth ‘Hitch-Hiker’ novel when 
next Penguin waves a chequebook at him. John Nathan Turner decided
not to let the work go to waste and utilised many of the ideas over the 
coming years (such as the constant regeneration as BBC policy) Many
of the casting ideas also made their way on to the small screen which came
as no surprise after the appoinment of A. Baboon, Johnathan Powell’s 
brother-in-law, as casting director for the series. by Johann Gambolputty 
de von Ausfernschpledenschlittcrasscrenbonfriediggerdingle- 
dangledonglebursteinvonknackerthrasherapplebangerhorowitzticolensicgranderknottyspel llichgrumbelmeyerspellerwasserkurstlichhimbleeisenbahnwagengutenabendbitteeinn-
nkerkalbsfleischmirttleraucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm (aka George Stamatiadis) 
So much for Pathos.
Keep reading for more Doctor Who or go to Doctor Who Reviews page


LONDON: The one icon of both BBC and ITV shows that has weathered the ups and downs of the last twenty-five years of British TV has been unearthed underneath the remains of Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. The Holy Curly Brown Wig of St Bob was recovered by a Cult TV fan working on the restoration of the Bard's own house of thespians. The wig, for those of you below the legal definition of ignorance, has been worn by most heroes of British Telefantasy programs broadcast since 1970. In fact, the casting decisions of some series are made solely on the basis of how a wig looks on a potential lead actor.
A short history of the Wig of Success, as it was termed by the tricology press, starts with Robert Powell as Toby Wren in the first series of DOOMWATCH. Problems with the Wig's temperament (ie- biting the hand that brushed it and demands for Head and Shoulders instead of Boot's store brand) during recording meant Powell was written out of the series and, indeed, would not be used by the BBC until his wrangler could promise compliance with the director's wishes. It was not until late 1974, when Tom Baker became the Doctor, that the Wig was in work again. An instant hit with viewers, Wig (with Tom Baker in tow) soon found it difficult to walk down to the hairdresser for a perm without being asked for a lock of hair. Wig, of course, knew all about fame after seeing his father go through similar tribulations as Jon Pertwee's wig in the early part of the decade.
The late Seventies were to prove very hectic for the Wig, having accepted the role as principal hair-do for both Martin Shaw as Doyle on THE PROFESSIONALS as well as Gareth Thomas in the title role in BLAKE'S 7, all concurrent with the filming of DOCTOR WHO. During this time, a typical day might have started with rehearsals with Tom Baker in Acton, then being driven at high speeds to the filming of a tender love scene in THE PROFESSIONALS and then finally in the afternoon to a gravel pit for the location filming on the Deliverance episode of BLAKE'S 7. Of course, with three separate shows dependent on Wig for their rating successes, a double was used for all stunt work on the three shows (after an accident during the filming of The Sontaran Experiment where the Wig got split ends during a fight scene). During a well earned break, Wig even found time to make a guest appearance in THE TOMORROW PEOPLE as Glib in a story called Achilles Heel.
Alas, the early Eighties marked the beginning of the end of the Wig industry with Gareth Thomas leaving BLAKE'S 7. Soon after came Wig's public attack of dreadlocks during the filming of The Leisure Hive. Fortunately, Wig's father filled in for the latter episodes. But the damage was done. Wig decided cut back to just one series. Tom Baker was told his services would not be needed for the next season giving Wig the chance concentrate on THE PROFESSIONALS which was soon cancelled as Wig's performance was not up to scratch. At this time, cheap Japanese imitations flooded into Britain, as evidenced by Stephen Pacey as a Blake-substitute. Apart from the six-part television adaptation of THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY where the wig worked with David Dixon as Ford Prefect, on-screen work dried-up and Wig moved behind the scenes.
Working closely with DOCTOR WHO producer John Nathan-Turner as unofficial hair-styles advisor, the Wig used his own experience to colour, tint and streak hair of the Fifth Doctor, Tegan and Turlough. The Wig was treated rather shabbily by JNT, who had promised to make the 'rug' an Associate Producer. JNT even had the audacity to wear the Wig in public. In fact, there is not a single photograph of JNT from the early Eighties in which he's not wearing the Wig. The Wig quit the show in protest when Colin Baker was cast as the Doctor, having as he did, a wig from a previous appearance. The bubble had burst for the Wig. Once the leading light of British television, wig was now reduced to appearing as one of Kate Kestrel's wigs on Gerry Anderson's TERRAHAWKS puppet series. The tabloids also began printing vicious articles saying he slept with all three purple wigs from UFO. The most distressing article claimed he had a relationship with Ed Bishop's wig from that same series.
Wig, unable to keep up with 80's straight hair trends, retired from showbusiness, making his last appearance on top of an Auton in the THIRTY YEARS IN THE TARDIS documentary. He died early this year from dandruff. He was thirty-two.
Upon making the discovery, the assembled archeologists said, "bugger this for a sausage," abandoning the reconstruction of the Globe. They then called in the bulldozers to clear the ruins in the hope that other missing cult wigs might be found such as those sported by Martin Landau, William Hartnell, Sean Connery and Chris Barrie. Wig's remains are now on display in the Shatner Institute.
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GALLIFREY- Rutans. The Doctor is in trouble with the Gallifreyan courts once more as he fights attempts to have his license revoked by the Department of Transport. Up before the Inquisitor, the Doctor pleaded not guilty to charges of reckless endangerment of innocents by his poor driving/piloting/flying skills. The prosecutor, the Valeyard, submitted a number of damning films alledging to show the Doctor committing reckless acts at the controls of various modes of transport. The Doctor's skills as a TARDIS pilot were called into question when it was revealed he had been caught on film several times performing 'doughnuts' with his time machine- the first such instance dating to the time of border conflicts between the Draconian and Earth Empires (Frontier in Space). There was also footage of erratic piloting (Image of the Fendahl), getting caught in CVE's (Full Circle), and most shocking of all, being involved in a Time Ram (Time Monster) with fellow renegade Timelord, T. Master (absent) being named as co-defendent.. It wasn't just misuse of a TARDIS the Doctor was in trouble for. More evidence was produced showing the Doctor's antics on a motor-scooter- illegally doubling up without wearing helmets (Day of the Daleks), abandoning moving hovercrafts, driving over tramps in said hovercraft (Both Planet of the Spiders), performing burnouts in an automobile (Battlefield), dangerous driving of a motor cycle (Delta and the Bannermen, Survival)
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First officer of the USS Enterprise, Commander Spock, has revealed to the 
Federation that he once lied. Speaking on the Ricki Lake Show, he stoically
admitted to telling fibs as he launched his book "Of course, I'm Spock". His
friend, Captain James T. Kirk, leapt to his friend's defence. In an eloquent
and moving speech, he told the audience, 'You ...can't tell me .. .that ... Mr...............................................................Spock ... is anything other 
...... than ................................................................................................ ...................................hundred...........................................................
................and fifty per.................................................cent
honest.' Mr Kirk had to be restrained by security guards when it was feared his exaggerated hand gestures might injure someone. Other character witnesses for Commander Spock, also known as Mister or erroneously as Doctor, were the Enterprise's CMO Doctor Leonard McCoy. 'The green-blooded son-of-a-bitch couldn't lie his way out of an encounter with a Jehovas Witness.' The next testimonial came from Montgomery Scott, Chief Engineer, who simply said, 'He's no liar.' When pressed further, he simply said, 'I canna give you anymore.'

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