Karoke is Japanese for Tone Deaf
Night time events during the Olympics tend to be among the most well received. After being sprung from Jail during the Nude Fishing Event, the hearty revelers gathered at Matts Japanese restaurant, Otaku for some fine foods and the Karoke Event.
The first floor of the restaurant was the eatery. In traditional manner, shoes were left at the door and slippers were worn inside. Due to Goddess Callistos penchant for making Matt eat pufferfish that was prepared in a hurry, the item was removed from the list for the evening.
Dinner went well. But then, all the action was happening downstairs in the bar.
Down in the sub basement where the karoke bar pulsed with life. Smoke hung above the heads of the patrons of the bar like personal rainclouds. Matt sat at a corner table with four bikers. The one on his left, the one called Scarlett, had true auburn hair, neither ginger or brown, but deep and burnished copper-color, and it fell to her waist in tresses that men would kill for and indeed often had. Her eyes were startling orange. She looked twenty-five, and always had. Something the biker in black who sat across from her, Dr. Raven Sable had said, made her laugh. Others nearby were filled with an animalistic rush at the sound of her melodic laugh. It was the rush of fear mixed lust and the knowledge of something big coming your way. Big like a no brake Buick.
The last two bikers played Uno and if anyone was counting, the sickly pale Mr. White --the one with empty chip bags around his chair-- was winning. The last biker said nothing and never removed his helmet.
The thing is, said Matt, the thing is, that no matter what I do, she wont notice me. The whole dynamic is different, things have changed. Matt nibbled at a piece of pizza.
You dont need that, said Sable, pulling the plate and remaining slice away from Matt.
Scarlett slid the pie back in front of him. Let him alone. It wont really matter when were done at Tadfield, anyway. She stroked the edge of her sword propped at her chair. Sable pinched his goateed face and slumped back in his chair, his heavy black boot kicking the scales at his feet.
Uno! cried Mr. White, as he slapped his last filthy card onto the table. The last biker scooped up the cards and shuffled them again. You know, Matt, said White, the thing with her, and I think Red here will back me up on this one, you gotta lay your cards out on the table with the likes of her. Sure, you might come home all bloody, but bugger it all for a lark if you get into any real hot water.
Yeah, maybe youre right. Well, its almost show time. You staying for the show? Tadfield aint going anywhere.
Yet, said the red head. Scarlett reached over and grabbed Matt before he could get up from the table and gave him a peck on the cheek. Sooner if not later, big guy.
Matt walked over to the stage where his team would assemble in a few minutes. He looked back at the table of bikers. Their jackets all read the same in studded metal bits, HELLS ANGELS REVELATIONS 6:2-8
Basically Bards was the first team to walk downstairs. Never ones to *not* make An Entrance (TM), Team Basically Bards wore drag from Pricilla Queen of the Desert. Galloway waved to Matt, who tapped his wrist. I dunno where theyre at, he yelled back.
Bello arrived shortly before Team Warriors and walked in after Jake and rest of the bards and couldnt take his eyes off of Red. She kept smiling and gave him a wink I know her, he said to Casila.
Cas: yeah, yeah. You say that about all the bar hotties.
Bello: No, its different than that. Hey my teams here.
And they were. Loudly. As team warriors passed the bikers, they began shoving.
Hudson made her way downstairs next, Wesser was with her. They rode in together. The rest of team Hudson walked in a few minutes later. Within a half hour all the teams were seated at their tables.
Team Hudson, sat closest to the stage. Wesser, Mich, Shaddy and Pandora bickered over what to order. Hudson was having sushi; compliments of the Kindling Gate Mall.
Jeff, Nick, Seraphix and Serge waited a few minutes for Saber to come back from the loo before ordering. Law, Religion and Red lights did everything as a team. Well, everything except loo going.
Warriors sat in the back, close to Matts biker friends. More than once, the sound of a bottle being broken and shoved in someones direction was heard. Mostly, it was Erin. Jake, Tower and Jason kept their attention between Erin and Bello, who kept staring at Scarlett. When she got up from her table and went up to the counter to get an order of fries, Erin seemed to calm down as the woman got farther away. Cheerios all sat up at the bar.
TJ: Im telling you, I did too see bigfoot out near Melissas place stealing the newspaper.
Dingane: No way. All the accounts Ive ever heard of the creature, it was never reported as being five foot five. It was probably Matt. He just woke up and his hair was down. Probably going out to get the paper. He is always staying over at his sisters place. Especially since the games started.
Stephen: I dunno, Ive heard some strange things over at the Monson place. Like that screaming that comes from the rear of the house.
Dingane: First of all, Callisto lives in the house, second, Matts scared of spiders, there is woods in the back, you know.
Stephen (to SunLady): I dunno, how hot are the hot wings?
SunLady: Well, Matt made the recipe, and he likes things hot. But he did invent it for the barbecue last week and he tried to get back at Hudson for walking in on him in the shower. It wasnt so much the embarrassment of being walked in on, but it was the fact that he had to stand in the back. And the laughter, oh the laughter.
Devon, Acean and the rest of team Look-a-Leick were chatting away from the stage, near the windows. Anyone who overheard the conversation picked up on some common words: explosion, seduction, extortion. Yeah, Devon and Acean had a mean streak.
TR: Hey Matt, whats shaking? (shakes hips)
Annie Lennoxs Walking on BrokenGlass plays. She came prepared The rest of her team: Michael, Alwheaties,Gene and a Fireman ordered some appetizers. Alwheaties got carded, but Matt waved the policy in this case.
Team Medic was getting antsy.
Michael: So, whos up first?
TR: (fighting the urge to say: Thats right! and lead everyone into a whos on first rally)
MP: well, I have to wait for my--Oh here they are.
MM: Hi twin, sorry were late, but we had a thing. You understand.
MP: Of course.
His twins brown hair, normally pulled back from her face, was kind of still in a top knot, kind of sticking tendril like out in all directions. Sherry looked to Brant, who was siting alone at his table, raised her finger to say something, but was too short of breath.
Debbie(nursing her pinky fingers knuckle. It was definitely a boxers fracture: Your team wont make it here tonight.
Brant: I figured (placed his head into his hands. But, he had prepared for this eventuality, and had Xena coach him in Hungarian Arias)
MP: Okay, enough with the chatter, the event will now officially begin. Each team has to sing three songs. It can be three best singers, it can be one singer who sings thrice, or it can be three people singing one song, as in a chorus. Whole teams are allowed to participate in that fashion as well. First up is Team Basically Bards, who gave us the idea in the first place.
Predictably, they did Shake your groove thang
As the pounding music from "Shake your groove thang" faded, the crowd cheered. Everyone knew that the Olympics was winding to it's end, probably not soon enough, and even tho this was make-it-or-break-it time to get your medals, the point of this evening was to have fun.
The bar's lone busboy, and thirty something year old balding man who went by the name Verbal, wiped off the serving trays and gave Michael the high sign when Matt had everything set up for the next song.
Michael made his way to the stage amid the chants of "RUUUUUUUUUUUUU", faced the crowd and cleared his throat.
MR: Hey gang. Um, I wanted to do something special, so Matt put this one into the karoke library.
Years before, Michael and Matt had a band together, "Pornography in Sound", it didn't last too long but they always kept in touch and helped the other out when possible.
MR: So, I wanted to do this one for Andrea.
Clears his throat
"Wasn't it yesterday?
I can hardly remember it now.
Compelling, yes --
But there is no way
There is no space in the window.
The walls have been built
The foundation laid
And there's no going back to try to pay.
I'm filling up my tank with fate
This time I won't be late.
And I'll learn from yesterday.
It's not what we do
It's what we don't.
It's if we take the time to
Fix what's broke
And if we know
When to let things be.
I was blind to judge
It's not up to me.
Content with working on myself;
It's the only cheese I need to chase.
And it's not easy to take off the shelf
The very things that hold you back from
The rat race --
And learn fron yesterday
And learn from yourself
And learn from total strangers
And you will find what you're looking for.
Wasn't it yesterday that I learned the golden rule?
What held me back from putting it into effect?
It's not what we say
Talk is cheap.
It's not what we say we're gonna do.
Actions are the ones to speak.
It's not what we do it's
What we don't.
It's if we say we will and then decide we won't.
When the heart is resisting and the soul is crying
To pick up the slack and bring this baby back
Just to let ourselves know that we're trying to crack--
The case that keeps us trying
The case that keeps us trying
To pick up the slack and bring this baby back
Just to let ourselves know that we're trying to crack--
The case that keeps us trying.
MR: So, uh what did you think?
[Thunderous Applause]
Matt and Verbal start rearanging the stage for the next song. Verbal helps where he can, but his hand is rather twisted and not very strong. Plus he has a limp. Matt had found him one day while he was out getting Melissa's paper.
(On the days he isn't living with his twin, he still drives over to steal her newspaper. He had made the mistake of picking Debbie up for a McBreakfast and soon the heckler blabbed it to the city As he was pulling into the drive, he saw Verbal sneaking off with the paper.)
After a brief struggle where Matt ended up with a split lip, Verbal was in the back seat and everyone was heading to Denny's.
(back in the crowd) (up at the bar)
Dingane: What do you mean "lights"?
TJ: What about the lights I see over her house? Every Sunday at nine.
Stephen: yeah, rationalize away the lights.
Wesser was busy prebussing the table.
HL: So I says to him, go pounds salt in your a--
Mich: Who taught yuo to talk like that?
HL: (nods over to Pandora
Pandora: Did not!
Shaddy: Did too. Taught me this (makes an obscene gesture with his foot)
Mich: Ok, now I know you're teasing me. That's something Matt does every morning to the mail carrier.
Meanwhile over at the Medical Table
TR: (emits a ear splitting sound.) well her pants do
Gene: Jeeez, girl turn down those hips. Bad enough they're hot pink and pleather, but you have an alarm on them?
TR: No, I don't kn--MATT!
(up on stage)
MP: sorry! Had to plug into them. Wanted to try something. (steps on a pedal on the floor
Iggy Pop's "Lust For Life" begins to thump thump thump out of Trancer's pants.
Now, it is a well known fact that this song, especially the intro drum sequence is what is referred to in the industry as "popo" music. CAlled such cause once it gets into your popo, you can't stop shaking it. The word popo being termed when an agitated and drunken Pat Sajak pleaded innocent to charges that he "(hic patted her on the popo"; the "her" being a stage hand on the "Wheel" set when they taped in New Cirra earlier this week. So in other words, a hinder is a popo. it is also a well known fact that Hudson loves this song.
Hudson began to shake her popo.
Trancer and team Medical needed an extra fifteen minutes to revive Wesser. Matt had the foresight to look away. The needed the extra time cause Trancer herself had some popo shaking going on as well.
(an hour later)
(Law Religion and Red Lights table)
Jeff: So is everyone taking notes on how many laws are being broken?
Serge: Do the ones that I'm breaking count?
Jeff: No.
Dingane, having seperated himself from the bar and an innane conversation about the large screen and MegaProjection TV's in Melissa's house that they use --yes they use both of them at the same time-- to watch The X-Files. Glowing and flickering lights....my god.
Dingane points to Matt who starts up Dingane's song. Adam Ant's Goody Two Shoes.
DG: When the words un spoken / get caught in your throat...
What was cool, was that he leapt about like Adam did when they were on SNL in the 80's
At the Warrior table
Tower to Erin: So like I was saying, if everyone wore paper hats...
(on stage)
DG: We don't follow fashion
That would be a joke
You know we're gonna set them set them
So everyone can take note take note
(back in the crowd)
Bello: No way, Tower, paper hats, really?
Tower: I swear, paper hats. And if Goddess would let Matt carry a hammer with him at all times. Put those two laws into effect and buddy, things will start getting done around here.
Verbal to Melissa: ...that reminds me of the time I sang in a barbershop quartet in Skokie Illinois...
MM: Uh-huh (Matt!)
On the other side of the bar...
MP: (What? Just let him talk. He's harmless. A good guy, just likes to talk. Tell him I need him in the kitchen.)
As Dingane ended his song, he found that it was rather hard to stop bouncing around. The cook had to come out from back and help him to his seat.
Galloway and Jason made their way to the spotlight. Verbal had placed two mics in a diffuse spotlight.
The pair representing Team Warriors took their places. Matt grabbed Melissa and went to sit at the Team Callisto table.
MP: This will be good.
(on stage)
Jason: ah-OO ah-OO AH-OO Ah-oo ah-OO ah-OO AH-OO Ah-oo ah-OO ah-OO AH-OO Ah-oo
Galw : When criminals in this world appear
And break the laws that they should fear
And frighten all who see and hear
The cry goes up both far anad near for
Jason: UNDERDOG!
UNDERDOG!
speed of lightning
Roar of Thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
UNDERDOG!
UNDERDOG!
Galw: When in this world the headlines read
Of those who hearts are filled with greed
Who rob and steal from those who need
To right this wrong with blinding speed goes
Jason: UNDERDOG!
UNDERDOG!
Speed of lightning
Roar of thunder
Fighting all who rob or plunder
UNDERDOG!
UNDERDOG!
Well, you can guess how nuts the crowd went for that song.
GC: Wow. I wish there was an Underdog back in my day. We could have used him when I was a kid.
MP: I have to go. (runs into the kitchen; I will not cry in front of the Goddess, I will not cry in front of the Goddess)
Sherry: What was his problem?
Debbie:
Weak bladder
Next up, Hudson took the stage and sang something from a CD that Matt had recomended. Wesser and the rest of her team had scooted their table close to the stage for this. She had taken voice lessons from Trancer, which can be good or bad. You knever know about those tricky Alaskinians.
Matt had returned from the kitchen under control and never able to watch the cartoon network ever again. He kept his mind busy by taking some orders and mingling with the crowd. verbal thought it would be funny to let it slip in front of TJ that rumors still persist about cattle mutilations in and around the Damocles Avenue house.
Dingane began to really hate the worker at the karoke bar.
(up on stage)
HL: Kiss me, please kiss me
Kiss me out of desire, baby
Not consolation.
Oh it makes me so angry
Cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry.
This is our last goodbye
Trancer. Wesser. Fireman. Thirty minutes.
Alwheaties, getting Matt's attention as he ran plates to the dishroom
AlW: The word "bijin" what does that mean?
MP: Hottie. A real looker. Why?
AlW: The cook keeps calling me that.
MP: I'l make him stop.
AlW: Like hell. Give him my number.
(back th the law Religion and Red lights table
Nick, the Tartan Terror: Ok, saber, you sure you want to go for fifty bucks?
Saber: sure. Ok, here you got a fifty spot? Good. Take it and place it over the back of your hand. I'll hold it down. Take this cigarette and place it on the money. If you can burn a hole large enough for me to pull the bill up the cig, I'll give you a hundred bucks. If you can't, or give up, I get your cash. Deal.
Nick, having mastered the art of fire since he was seven went for it.
Saber made the rounds that night and made seven hundred dollars.
GC: Ok, Ok. Listen, I have a song I want to sing. Matt, do you have "The Proclaimers" in the music box?
MP: : (damn, yes No)
GC: stop lying and put it on.
That wretched 500 miles song begins to play
GC: (grabs the mic and paces pantherlike before the crowd. This was unplanned for and Matt began to sweat.
GC: When I wake up, my first thought is gonna be,
it's gonna be about just where I will find you.
When I go out, well I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be hot on the trail right after you.
If I'm locked up, well I know I'm gonna flee,
I'm gonna flee and then I'm going to find you.
If your chakram, is directed right at me,
I'm gonna catch and I'll throw it back at you.
But I would burn five hundred towns,
and I would burn five hundred more,
just to be the one to burn a thousand towns,
and thereby kill your soul.
I'll find Joxer, and before the git can scream,
I'll give him a message to pass on to you.
When the people, want to put the blame on me,
I'll just make that all the blame gets put on you.
But I would burn five hundred towns,
and I would burn five hundred more,
just to be the one to burn a thousand towns,
and thereby kill your soul.
Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da), Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da)
Ay-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da), Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da)
Ay-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
I'll be Xena, and instead you will be me,
You'll look like me and I'll pretend that I am you.
And then Gabby, well she will be friends with me,
She'll be my little friend and not a friend to you.
She'll be my friend and she won't be a friennnnnnd -- to you.
But I would burn five hundred towns,
and I would burn five hundred more,
just to be the one to burn a thousand towns,
and thereby kill your soul.
Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da), Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da)
Ay-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da), Ya-da-da-da (Ya-da-da-da)
Ay-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
[stunned applause. who knew the goddes could sing? who knew she was so creative?]
Basically bards, being bards and therefore susceptable to infectious songs couldn't get it out of their heads. Griller even forced himself to sing INXS' "Disappear" to himself, but it wouldn't work. He went through the entire song catalogue, and gave up with "Baby don't cry"
(back at the bar)
Sunlady: look, there are no cattle mutilations at matt's hose cause he has no cows.
TJ: Oh, ok.
Mad Catter: Not any more...
TJ: What did you mean by that
Dingane: I hate my team.
Over in a corner...
Devon: Ok, if you place the green wire there?
Shanya: No, fool, that would start the ticking mechanism.
Kathy: What would that do?
Acean: let me just put it this way, MILKSHAKE! BOOM!
Matt returned from the kitchen, recovering from a tearjerking rendition of a "It's not easy being green" and "Rainbow Connection" medly by Melissa.
Then came Trancer. She was her own sound system.
TR: It's not unusual to be loved by anyone (da da da da da da)
for forty five minutes.
Sherry: That girl belongs in Vegas. You know, as a center stage performer, not a feather hat wearing wearing performer.
Debbie: You don't know about trancer and her feather hats?
Matt walks up to the stage.
MP: : Ok, I think that' sabout it for the songs, I want to thank you all for
Voice: STOP! I have a song!
Everyone turns to the door at the rear of the joint.
A rather ruffled Gabrielle is standing in the doorway.
Gab: You invited us to this Olympics and damnit I'm gonna participate!
She stomps her way to the stage.
Gab: Love Shack, meistro.
Gabby put a loose sign at the side of the
road that said "just a few miles to the" --
Hot... Tub! Hot tub yea-eah.....
I'm headin' down, the Amphipolis, highway.
Lookin' for the Laurel, getaway. Headed for the Laurel
Getaway... Laurel Getaway...
It's been a long day, and we're tired and sore,
so we're headin' on down to the Hot Tub.
We just met Minya, she's Hower's honey,
But I traded for a pan, 'cause we got no money!
The Hot Tub, is a little place where,
we can get together! Hot Tub baay-beee. (Hot Tub baby)
Hot Tub! Baby, Hot Tub! Hot Tub! Baby, Hot Tub!
Minya says: "Hey, get a clue! Hower's for me,
Gabrielle is for you!"
Now we're just kickin' back, in our funky ol' tub,
But I'm sittin' on the soap, makes it really hard to scrub!
Fish scales in my tank top, fish scales on the chakram,
fish scales under fingernails, fish scales on the chakram...
The Hot Tub, is a little place where,
we can get together! Hot Tub baa-beee. (Hot Tub baby)
Hot tu-uu-ub, dive in and scrub, Hot tu-uu-ub, dive in and scrub.
Splishin' and a splashin', subtext is a-flowin',
wearin' as much nothin' as TV can be showin',
Minya's very nice and all, but she just keeps comin'
around and around and around and around!
Warlords are a-movin', Giants are a-cruisin' baby.
(Wonder how we're gonna get out of this one)
Warlords are a-movin', Giants are a-cruisin' baby.
Think about it later! Right now I'm in the tub!
Xena caught an eel, it was as big as a whale,
and it hit me with its tail!
She caught some more fish, we can feed about twenty,
but without our pan, it's tough to cook them, honey!
The Hot Tub, is a little place where,
we can get together! Hot Tub baa-beee. (Hot Tub baby)
Hot Tub! Baby, Hot Tub! Hot Tub! Baby, Hot Tub!
Bang, bang, bang, with the pan, baby.
(Hit him a little harder, Xena!)
Bang, bang, bang, with the pan, baby.
(He's still moving!)
Bang, bang!
(Not our pan, Xena!)
Bang, bang!
(Our only pan!)
Bang, bang!
(Not our pan, Xena!)
Bang, bang!
You what?! My scrolls!! (Busted)
No one knew wether to clap or not. Brant however began whistling! General consensus at the time was "Callisto can't get us all!" So the applause flew.
Reluctanly, even Callsito admitted that it was funny.
MP: :(voice, we can't see him Ok, thank you Gabrielle. Sorry about the tire iron. I mean, I heard about the tire iron. Knew nothing about the roving band of thugs who locked you in a trunk and played Nina's "99 Luftballoons" through a small hole in the lid.
Gabby glares and goes to sit with Brant.
MP: : Ok, gang I guess there's only one last song to do. Mine. Trancer, Melissa! Sit down!
Matt walks out onto the stage. His hair is a little messed up, kinda spikey on top. He's wearing a sportcoat with those reflective sparkly dots that you see on prom dresses. He approaches the mic, a half ash cigarette tucked in his fingers.
GC: (smacks Melissa) You said he quit. Five years down the tub.
MM: Tube, Goddess. It's just effect. His "badass" look.
MP: : Ok, this one is for someone special. I'm actually suprised to see her here tonight; no no, don't look around. Heh. Ok, here goes. You've probably heard this on a car commercial, but here goes.
Matt grabs the mic, which Verbal had replaced with an older style microphone. The kind David Letterman has on his desk.
MP: : Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
Can't help it
Love's always been my game
Play it how I may
I was made that way
Can't help it
Girls cluster to me like moths around a flame
And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame
Falling in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
Can't help it
(major tempo shift to a jazz arrangement)
Fallin' in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
Can't help it
Love's always been my game
Play it how I may
I was made that way
Can't help it
Girls cluster to me like moths around a flame
And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame
Fallin' in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
Can't help it
(jazz instrumental interlude)
Girls cluster to me like moths around a flame
And if their wings burn, I know I'm not to blame
Fallin' in love again
Never wanted to
What am I to do?
Can't help it
MP: : Thanks. And good night.
Song Filks were taken from alt.tv.Xena
*"Hot Tub" by PenandSwrd
**"Ode to Xena" (500 Towns) Unknown
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