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MM: Any particular order you would like to do this in Goddess?
GC: How about alphabetically backwards, with cross referencing for box size and wrapping paper color?
MM: ((blank stare))
GC: Well?
MM: Would you like that from largest to smallest? Primary colors first? What?
GC: Smallest to largest, I should think.
MM: ((blank stare))
GC: Well?
MM: ((blank stare w/ touch of on setting panic))
GC: ((big grin)) Oh Look Hudson! She's doing that Little Hercules face!
HL: You were right! She does look like Little Herc.!! Make her do Gabrielle.
GC: You can't just make her do Gabrielle. Unfortunate, I know. But it makes it all that much more special when she does. ((ruffles my hair)) Oh relax little one. Just start giving me the gifts in any 'ol order you choose.
MM: Ok, this first one is from Michael.
GC: ((opens gift very carefully so as not to tear the paper, who knew the Goddess would be one of those people.))
((It is a sword. The blade of the sword is crafted out of diamonds (so it can cut through anything) and the handle is made of gold studded with sapphires and emeralds. The handle also has the title GODDESSCALLISTO engraved on both sides.))
Michael: ((blurts out)) It's a sword, Goddess!
GC: I can see that dear man, I am not a fool.
MM: ((shakes her head thinking, "newbies"))
Michael: Why no of course not Goddess, I didn't mean to imply that you were a...
GC: ((holds up a dismissive hand)) I suggest you stop while you are only a little behind, unless you would like me to make you an integral part of this sword's Christening ceremony. Hmmm?
Michael: I'm Sorry Goddess.
GC: Yes, well that can't be helped. Next gift please. ((hands the sword to HL who gets a disturbing glimmer in her eye))
MM: This next gift is from Matt.
GC: Well this should be good.
MM: Goddess, Matt spent a lot of time searching for just the right gift. And while your sarcasm is always appreciated, I don't think you should judge the gifts until after you open them."
GC: Are you quite through?
MM: Yes.
GC: Well then. Matt owns the mall, right?
MM: Yes.
GC: Then, as I was saying, this *should* be good.
MM: Oh.
GC: Really, Melissa. I would think by now you would be able to tell the difference between sarcasm and sincerity.
MM: uh, sorry Goddess. I, uh...
HL: ((whispering to GC)) Is *that* it? Is that the Gabrielle look?
GC: ((To Hudson)) No, but it was worth a try. ((To Melissa)) Well what are you waiting for?"
MM: ((hand GC the gift))
GC: ((very meticulously unwraps it))
((It is Jeopardy: The Home Game!))
GC: ((big grin)) Oh Matt, how did you know?
MP: I just know you Goddess. And it screamed your name.
MM: ((thinking: well sure after I told you that was her favorite game, you...))
GC: What was that Melissa?
MM: Nothing Goddess.
GC: Next.
MM: It's another gift from Matt
GC: ((slowly opens the second gift from Matt))
((Its a Charlie Brown poster))
GC: ((chuckling to herself)) Oh that Charlie, he is such a character. ((realizes she said that out loud)) uh, uhm Thank you Matt.
MP: ((confused))
MM: ((sharply to Matt)) Say, You're welcome' idiot.
((can you see it coming?))
MP: You're welcome.
((phew))
MP: idiot. ((realizes he said *that* out loud!!))
((I think everyone in the room said a little prayer for Matt that day. And for no apparent reason, they were answered...The Goddess only knocked him half way to Tartarus and back.))
MM: It's another gift from Matt.
((It's a Dress))
GC: ((Blank stare))
HL: Oooh, that is lovely!
GC: Ya think?
HL: Oh yes, it will look stunning on you, I am sure of it. I have one just like it at home.
((For the record, it looks stunning on her))
GC: Hmmm. Yeah, well ok.
MM: This next gift is also from Matt. ((can you say, suck up'?"))
((I think everyone said a little prayer against Matt that day.))
((It's an autographed picture of Pat Sajack))
GC: ((Much to everyone's surprise, Callisto actually jumped up out of her chair with delight)) Oh Matt, I could just kiss you!
It took Trancer and two firemen forty five minutes to revive Matt.
MM: This next gift is from Wesser. ((It's a Callisto action figure, w/ bloody sword and plastic round killing thing!))
GC: Why would you get me a figurine of Hudson?
Wesser: It's you, Goddess.
GC: It looks nothing like me.
HL: You can kind of see the resemblance, here in the eyes. Can I have it?
GC: ((shrugs) Sure. ((Hands the action figure to Hudson, who gets that gleam back in her eye as she places the Chakram in it's hand))
GC: ((to Wesser)) Well? What is? Why are you still standing here?
Wesser: Uhm, I also have something for Hudson.
GC: Well what are you waiting for? Bring it up here.
((It's a card. Across the top is inscripted the HLAG logo. Inside, the card reads: The number one question I would ask Hudson: "How do you Leick it here in Cirra?"))
Wesser: ((Who had been practicing all night, ok let's face it, all month, just what he was going to say to Hudson, found himself suddenly unable to speak in her presence. Shoves a note into her hands.)) Here. ((scurries off stage))
GC: ((to Hudson)) Looks like we may have just met your number one fan.
MM: ((interrupting their laughter)) Ok, this next gift is from DR. Billy.
GC: ((begins to slowly unwrap it))
HL: ((Losing patience with Callisto's gift opening style, snatches the present from Callisto's hands and tears into it, who knew Hudson would be one of those people.))
((We all said a little prayer for Hudson that day, but apparently she didn't need it, because the Goddess just smiled and peaked over Hudson's shoulder to see what she had gotten.))
((It's a Gabby doll and matching Guillotine))
HL: Ooooo, I like it! ((Picks up Wesser's action figure and beings mock battle with Gabby doll.)) Now Gabrielle and I can fight for eternity!
MM: This next gift is from Bello.
((As Hudson is now preoccupied with terrorizing the Gabby doll, Callisto resumes her meticulous opening of the gifts))
((It's a sharpening stone so as to allow her to keep her swords and knives real sharp to hurt people))
GC: Oh look Melissa, a gift for you.
MM: Huh? It's a sharpening stone for *your* swords Goddess.
GC: Well, just who do you think is going to do the sharpening? Hmmm?
MM: Oh. This next gift is from Erin, but it is too big to wrap so....
Erin: ((Enters the room with a racehorse. What can I say, it's a big room!))
GC: ((big grin)) Oh Erin, I love him! Or is it a her?
Erin: Her. And she's really fast Goddess. I know you haven't had much luck in that area with your past ones, but this horse is a direct descendant of Man o' War, Secretariat, Regret and Native Dancer. What a find! Do know how rare that lineage is?!
GC: Well I am sure I don't. ((snaps her fingers and an exact clone of the horse appears)) But I do appreciate your enthusiasm. It's a lovely gift Erin.
Erin: Thank you Goddess.
MM: This next gift is from Devon.
((It's a big screen TV))
MM: ((Thinking: Praise Be! Now maybe I can have my place back to myself .))
GC: ((arches eyebrow))
MM: ((Thinking, Dear Gods, I didn't think that out loud did I?))
GC: Hey Hudson look, it has picture in picture! Now we can watch all your shows at once!
HL: Fantastic!
GC: But I don't think I will be needing this. ((returns remote control to Devon)) I already have one. ((glances at Melissa)) Speaking of whom, why don't I open your gifts next Melissa?
MM: Uhm, ok Goddess. ((Hands Callisto the first gift))
((It's a Leather Harley Jacket))
GC: ((Very big smile, one might even classify Callisto as giddy over this gift, you know, if one didn't want to live very long)) Oh Melissa, how did you know!
MM: You've only been hinting at it non-stop every since you saw that....
GC: ((shoots the bard a look that literally sends her stumbling backward)) Watch it!
MM: ((barely regaining her balance before tumbling off the stage.)) Sorry Goddess.
GC: ((Smiling again, puts the Jacket on, modeling it for all her worshipers))
MP: ((goes out again))
MM: uhm, Trancer, could you?
GC: What else did ya get me?
MM: ((Hands the Goddess her second gift))
((It's a ))
GC: Slinky! ! ((Slack jawed with amazement, sets the Slinky in motion from her left hand to her right. Giggles. Puts it on the stair case)) Melissa! It walks down stairs!
MM: Yes Goddess, I know.
GC: No I don't think you do...alone or in pairs. ((mouths the word, Slinky')) What a wonderful toy!
MM: I am glad you like it. I have one more thing for you Goddess. ((Melissa rushes into the other room, returning with a fluffy little puppy.))
GC: ((blank stare)) What is this, Melissa?
MM: A Puppy!
GC: I can see *that*, but why?
MM: ((pout))
GC: ((Grabs Hudson's arm, points at Melissa)) *THERE*, did you see it? That's her Gabrielle face. Pretty good, no?
HL: Yes, well worth the wait. But Cally, I think you really hurt her feelings. I mean look at the poor girl.
GC: Yes, I see what you mean. That is a real downer. Smile, Bard.
MM: ((force a smile))
GC: Better?
HL: It will do. Anyway, *I* think the puppy is adorable. Can I have it?
GC: ((shrugs)) Sure ((Hands Hudson the puppy))
HL: ((Hugs the puppy and proceeds to talk baby talk to it.))
Mitch: ((Thinking to himself that Hudson looks very much like she did in TBAA begins to silently recite the script, which for some mysterious reason, he knows by heart. Unfortunately for him when he gets to)) I wish I had a tail. ((He says it out loud...let it never be said that the Goddess doesn't grant wishes.))
GC: You're taking too long bard. ((rips the gift list from Melissa's hands)) Let's see, who's next? Ahhh, and Miss Trancer ((cause she's nasty))...what is it that you brought me? ((rips into packaging))
Trancer: ((grins in anticipation)))
GC: I don't get it. Trancer, my dear, why do you get me wood for my party?
Trancer: It's not just wood, Goddess. It's Log.
GC: I know it's a log. That brings me back to the question at hand. Why a stump of wood?
Trancer: ((flustered)) No, Goddess. "It rolls down stairs. Alone or in--
GC: No, no, no, no, no. That is my slinky. My bard got me that. You, however, got me oak.
Trancer: it fits on your back. is great for a snack?
GC: I'm not putting my mouth on that thing. I'll get a splinter. Splinter giving gifts are not acceptable, Trancer.
Matt: (tries to change his voice)) Make her spin the wheel! Make her spin the wheel! C'mon Tickle Fight!
HL: Shh. No one's getting a Tickle Fight, buddy.
MP: Make Hudson spin! Tickle Fight Tickle Fight! ((Is silenced by The Look of Death (TM) by Melissa))
MM: I think, Goddess that Trancer gave you a rare gift. The most imagination inspiring toy of the ages. You can make Log into any number of things.
GC: Like ((smashes log through Melissa's big screen)) it makes any TV remote control?
MM: ((Blank stare of disbelief, tho why this should come as a surprise is beyond reason.))
GC: Don't worry little Bard, we can put my new one in here.
MM: ((silent scream!))
GC: Ok, let's see who's next. Tower.
((It's a Hi-Tech Chakram. Designed by the boys (and girls) at C.S.T.F. It's made from adamantium (not even the goddess herself can break it). It slices through anything (armored soldiers, tanks, concrete barriers etc) except other things made from adamantium. It's more lethal than Xena's old one and it's perfectly design (by computers) that it can fly farther, is more accurate and always has a sharp edge. Plus it comes in a nice (black) leather carrying case. Appearance wise, the adamantium Chakram looks of polished silver. This item is expensive (adamantium is rare in the comic book world).))
GC: ((gets glazed look in her eye, holds the Chakram so that the light glints off of it)) Mmmm, Chakram. ((sounds much like when Homer Simpson says, Mmmmm Beer.)) Let's give it a test run, shall we?
((Callisto flings the Chakram across the room, bounces off far wall, chandelier, Bello's sword, Jason's sidearm, Chief Jeff's badge....))
GC: Hold still Tower.
((...the bard's laptop, and Erin's dagger, before WHOOSHING straight towards Tower's head))
GC: ((Snags the Chakram out of the air, just millimeters before it slices into Tower))
Tower: ((passes out)) ((It took two firemen forty-five minutes to revive Tower....hey, where the heck is Trancer?))
HL: Wow! That was great! Can I give it a try.
((Several nervous Cirrans search out the nearest exit))
GC: Maybe later. It's a bit more tricky than it looks.
((Collective sigh))
GC: Ok, This next gift is from Jeff.
((It's a big stamp and ink pad, the stamp reading "Property of Callisto, Goddess of Obsession". I'm thinking that it should prove useful for when her possessions are going to be outside the borders of Cirra.))
GC: ((sly grin)) Come here Jeffery.
Jeff: ((hesitantly approaches Callisto))
GC: That's it. That's a good boy. ((When he is with in range, she pounds the stamp into the red ink and presses against Jeff's forehead)) There. Now you are mine. ((Turns to her Bard)) Come here Melissa. ((sees Matt trying to slink away)) Oh no you don't. Come back here precious.
((Needless to say with in the blink of an eye we were all officially branded, "Property of Callisto." I think we all said a little prayer against Jeff that day.))
GC: ((Hands the list back to Melissa)) Make yourself useful.
MM: This next gift is from Tartan Terror.
GC: A last name? A bit pretentious, don't you think?
Tartan: Well I, uh...
GC: Have you never heard of a rhetorical question?
Tartan: Well I, uh...
GC: ((to Hudson)) Do you see what I have to deal with? Same old torture everyday, everyday.
HL: I don't know how you do it.
GC: ((shaking her head)) Nor, do I. ((To Tartan Terror)) Well are you just going to stand there all day?
Tartan: ((shakes his head, turns to leave))
GC: Aren't you forgetting something?
Tartan: ((blank stare))
CG: THE GIFT, YOU FOOL!
Tartan: "oh."
((It's a 4ft x 6ft oil painting of Joxer's execution, set in an elaborate, golden frame - it depicts the Goddess with her sword poised high above her head, ready to chop off Joxer's head, the sword shinning in the sunlight, and a sparkle in her eye.))
GC: Art? Nobody ever gave me art before. Thanks Tartan.
Tartan: Uhm, your welcome Goddess.
MM: This next gift is from Gene. And from the way the box is moving around, I'd say it was alive too. ((to Gene)) Ya, might want to put holes in the box next time, buddy.
((It's a Cerberus puppy. Vicious, horrifying, destructive but still cute. GC could take it for walks around Cirra. It could sit on the side of her throne. Also, Little Hercules would have a playmate.))
GC: Oh! He's adorable. ((To Hudson)) Let him play with Xena ((Yes she Named the DOG Xena...uhm hi there Tower.))
HL: ((Puts the puppy she has been holding on the floor to play with the new Cerberus puppy))
((Due to the graphic nature of what issued, we are unable to bring you the details. Suffice it to say, there was one less puppy that day.))
((ok, ok, don't worry, the folks over at the Animal Hospital were able to fix up the Cerberus pup quite nicely....Geez, just because we are blood-thirsty, psycho-Goddess worshipers, doesn't mean we don't have a heart!))
MM: The next gift is from Serge
((It's a subscription to Modern Pillager, which is kind of cool 'cause you get the free relightable-thatch-hut-burner for free with your subscription.))
GC: ((Opens up the first complimentary issue and begins reading. Mumbles)) Yeah right, Draco. ((Snorts with disbelief)) 10,000? I don't think so. ((rolls her eyes)) A quarter-staff! Pah-lease! ....... Cupid? ..... Eros? ..... Gabrielle?! ((flings magazine across the room beaming Serge between the eyes)) Such trash! I think I would sue. Serge!
Serge: ((rubbing his forehead)) Yes Goddess.
GC: Where is my thatch-hut burner? It says right here that this magazine comes with one.
Serge: You have to send in for it.
GC: *I* have to send in for it?
Serge:
Er, I mean, *I* have to send in for it.
GC: Make it so. ((Apparently the Goddess is a Trekker.))
MM: Ok, the next gift is from Darth Skeye
((It's a....oh dear Gods....another Chakram. And this one isn't even all spruced up like the one from Tower.))
GC: Melissa?
MM: Yes Goddess?
GC: Didn't you check for duplicate gifts?
MM: Well, I...uh....
HL: ((blurts out)) Can I have it?
GC: Huh?
HL: You said you'd show me how to use it and well since you already got one I thought maybe....
GC: True. So sure, you may have it. You don't mind do you Darth?
Darth: Mind? Why no, Goddess of course not. ((big sigh of relief))
GC: Good it's settled. ((Hands the Chakram to Hudson, who holds it up peering through the hole.)) ((To Darth)) Well, what are you still standing there for? Shouldn't you be headed to the Mall or something?
Darth: The Mall?
GC: You can't very well come to the party empty-handed, can you?
Darth: But Goddess, I just gave you a ....
GC: I very distinctly heard you say that the Chakram was for Hudson.
Darth: Yes, but...
MM: ((thinking: DEAR GODDESS! Haven't these people learned by now?!!))
GC: : Please, tell me you are NOT arguing with me?
Darth: Uhm, I am not arguing with you.
GC: Now normally Darth, this would be the part where I inflict some sort of excruciatingly painful harm upon you, but as this is a party, and I am feeling in a festive mood, I am just going to let you off with a warning this time. Now, I suggest you make tracks and get yourself to the mall!
Darth: ((turns and runs the hell away))
GC: Oh! and Darth ((evil grin)) make sure you are back before the party games start.
MM: This next gift is from..
HL: Wait! I want to go next. ((hands the Goddess a package))
((It's A rolly tape lint picker-upper))
GC: Why Hudson, you shouldn't have! What is it?
HL: Why a rolly tape lint picker-upper, of course. We can't have a Goddess who is all linty, now can we?
GC: No, I suppose not.
HL: And ((hands the Goddess a hand written coupon to abuse "The Bard and the little weird guy from the Mall))
GC: ((Big Grin)) Oh Hudson! You know me so well! It's just lovely, I will use it sparingly.
MM & MP: ((Thinking, "I'm sure."))
GC: What do you think Melissa, Isn't Hudson just marvelous?
MM: The best.
GC: (arches an eyebrow at her sarcastic little bard))
MM: ((changing the subject)) Uhm, this next gift is from ALWheaties.
((It's a haircomb. Now, Not just any haircomb mind you! It's specially made from Xen...ur...The Destroyer of Nation's breastplate, cleverly stolen while she and Gabby...um?...Catch Fish! Now what will she wear?! The present itself is not so much the haircomb, but Xena's humiliation!!!))
GC: ((with a quiver in her lip and a tear in her eye)) Oh Angela, I don't know what to say. Nobody has ever given me such a thoughtful gift. ((sniffle)) Xena's humiliation. I will treasure it always.
ALWheaties: ((dumbstruck by Callisto's show of compassion, Angela is not sure what to say, so she blurts out)) And it can hold your hair back too. ((good one Angela))
GC: Yes, yes it can. ((sigh)) Thank you.
ALWheaties: You are welcome, my Goddess.
((Well that put a real damper on the festivities))
MM: Goddess, are you alright?
GC: Yes, my bard fine. What's the next gift.
MM: Well....This one came in the mail. There was no card or return address.
GC: Hmmm? Did you have security go over it?
MM: Yes.
GC: Just to be safe, perhaps you had better open it.
MM: Me, Goddess?
GC: Unless you have a better suggestion.
MM: Actually....Matt!
MP: Yeah right.
MM: ((mumbling)) Damn that women's liberation movement. ((carefully unwrap the package))
((It's a Lava Lamp so that she could enjoy all those wonderfully painful memories of being in the toasty lava.))
((Well the tension in the room grew so thick you could just about cut it with a Chakram...and the Goddess, now had two!))
((Now I don't know if it was dumb luck or by the Grace of the Gods, but for no apparent reason, the irony of the Gift was lost on the Goddess...maybe it had something to do with the fact that those goofs down at the mall sent the blue/green lamp, instead of the red/orange one.))
GC: ((mesmerized by the colors)) Fascinating. The way those little blobs just kind of spring up from the bottom like that and then....oops ((giggle)) just pop!
MM: This next gift is from Seraphix.
((It's the RuneSword of Atlantis.......Tipped with a potent mixture of cyanide and the blood of the Hind, this sword promises to kill both mortals and immortals with a single swipe. Perfect for intimidating Ares, fighting Valesca or letting that special Bard in your life know that when you say now, you *really* mean now.))
GC: Very impressive, Seraphix.
HL: ((eye balling the sword with what I can only describe as maniacal fascination.)) I'll say.
Seraphix: Thank-you Goddess. I am glad you approve. Uhm, you too Hudson. ((wink))
HL: ((reaching for the sword, which the Goddess is currently holding just out of range))
GC: Careful now Hudson. This one's a bit more dangerous than the last one. ((hands Hudson the sword))
HL: Mmmmm, Sword. ((sounding much like Homer Simpson))
MM: Just one more gift Goddess, it's from Jason.
((It's a dart board that has Xena's face photographed on it!))
GC: ((evil grin)) Set it up Jason! I think it's time to start playing those party games.
((I think we all said a little prayer against Jason that day.))
To be continued.....
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