ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #35

Daybreak

by: Courtney

7:45am. All eyes are on the wall clock as it slowly ticks off the seconds, creeping towards 8 o'clock. That is when Dr. Michael Phillips is due in. It's been several hours since Doug had signed the release to have Carol removed from the life support machines. As soon as Dr. Phillips arrives, this order will be carried out. Now, Doug is sitting by Carol's bed, going over and over his decision in his mind. He wrings his hands and waits with a desolate expression, trying to decide if he's done the right thing.

Doug looks around the room. Helen, Lauren and Kate are sitting on one side of the bed. Helen is holding Carol's hand silently. Lauren and Kate are both crying quietly and trying to remain as calm as possible. Mark is also there, standing back from the others, looking as though he doesn't know what to do next. John Carter and Anna Del Amico have just come in, both coming off the night shift. They had heard about the decision to remove Carol from the machines and felt they should come and say their goodbyes. Finally, Doug looks directly to his right and sees Charlie. She is crying softly and watching Carol. His heart is breaking as he looks at the girl and sees what all of this is doing to her. She's lost so much in her life . . . and now this.

Doug looks back to Carol. Her face is ghostly pale. He watches her for a moment as the monitors beep around them and the ventilator moves up and down. Suddenly, he knows he's made the right decision. Carol could probably hang on for another week or more on these machines, but what good would that do? It would prolong the inevitable, nothing more. Carol wouldn't want to die that way. She's too strong of a person to allow her life to end in such a way. He blinks away a few tears and looks back at the clock. 7:55am, five minutes and counting . . .

"Good morning everyone," Dr. Phillips says as he enters Carol's room promptly at 8am. Everyone looks up as he enters. It's not his fault, but he is a very unwelcome sight. With him comes the realization that Carol is gone. Everyone watches as the doctor approaches the bed with a clipboard in hand. He checks the monitors and nods to himself, then notes the chart quickly. Then, turning to Doug, he says, "You're ready for this?" he indicates the paper on his clipboard. It's the paper Doug signed to have Carol removed from the ventilator.

"Yes," Doug says quietly.

"Is everyone staying?" Dr. Phillips asks as he looks around.

"If that's okay," Doug says, uncertain.

"Yes, that's fine," the doctor assures them all. "Okay, I'll be right back." He leaves only to return moments later with a nurse. He removes the tape that has been holding the tube in from around Carol's mouth. He slowly removes the tube. Carol's heart monitor continues to beep. Everyone watches carefully.

'Breathe,' Doug thinks, 'breathe.'

The entire room is silent, save for the beeping of the monitor. The whooshing of the ventilator is quiet now. Everyone seems to be holding their breath as they watch Carol. The seconds tick by like hours.

10 seconds: the monitor continues beeping steadily, but still Carol doesn't move.

20 seconds: the bleeps on the monitor start a slow decline, barely even detectable. Helen kisses Carol's cheek and whispers, "Goodbye baby," then retreats to her other daughters who hug her close and cry with her.

30 seconds: the monitor declines further; Carol has still not taken a breath. Carter and Anna step up now. "Goodbye Carol," Carter whispers. Anna touches her hand but is too upset to speak. They walk together back to the door and Carter wraps Anna is in arms as tears roll down her cheeks.

40 seconds: Mark moves over to the bed and says a quiet goodbye to his dear friend. He turns and walks slowly back to the doorway beside Carter and Anna. Carol's heart rate declines further as everyone watches.

50 seconds: the monitor seems to show a more rapid decline and Carol has still not moved. Charlie gets up and moves to Carol's side. She squeezes her hand and looks down as tears fill her eyes. Bending down close, Charlie kisses Carol's cheek. "I love you. Goodbye . . . Mom," she whispers. Charlie stands up and sucks in a deep, labored breath. She steps back and wobbles a little, her legs threatening to give way. Carter is instantly at her side. He puts his arm around her and she cries on his shoulder, unable to watch the rest of the scene before them.

60 seconds: Doug watches, one last glimmer of hope in his eyes. He squeezes his eyes shut and thinks one last time, 'Breathe.' Yet, he opens them to find that she still has not. The faint rhythm on the heart monitor confirms it. Carol is slipping away. Doug chokes back his tears and steps closer to her. He bends down close and kisses her lips tenderly. "I love you," he says. He strokes her hair, then says, "Goodbye my love," and slumps down into a nearby chair.

Dr. Phillips turns off the monitor. Everyone begins to leave. Soon, only Doug is left behind. He's sitting by the bed, still clutching Carol's hand. Charlie walks back in and sees him. "Doug?" she says quietly. "Doug? We should go."

"No, I can't leave her," he protests.

"Doug . . . it's time. You have to let her go. I don't want to believe it either, but . . . she's gone, Doug."

Doug turns around to look at Charlie. His expression is lost and hopeless. He searches her eyes for an answer. She simply nods her head at him, letting him know what he must do. He stares a moment longer, then returns the nod. Turning back to Carol, Doug brings her hand to his lips and kisses it, then gently places it at her side. "I love you," he whispers. "Always."

Doug rises and follows Charlie towards the door. He stops when they reach it and stands in the doorway to take one last look. He suddenly realizes he may never see her again. He must savor this last moment, not let it pass by too quickly. He watches her and a thousand things come to mind. Every memory he has of Carol comes rushing at him at once. He smiles a soft, sad smile, realizing the only memory he'll ever need is the memory of how much he loved her.

His face falling once again, Doug starts to turn to go. But, something stops him. He is almost sure he saw . . . no, it couldn't be. There it is again. 'Am I seeing this?' Doug wonders to himself. The movement he thinks he's seen is so slight it wouldn't be hard to imagine it.

"Doug?" Dr. Phillips asks from the hallway as he approaches. He can tell by the look on Doug's face that something is going on. "Is there anything I can do?" he asks.

"She . . . she . . . moved," he finally manages.

"Now, I'm sure you realize that is probably just an involuntary reaction . . ." Dr. Phillips begins his scientific analysis of the situation. However, Doug cuts him off, refusing to listen.

"I saw it, she moved!" he insists.

"She may have but . . ."

"Just check please," Doug interrupts. "If you don't, I will."

"Okay, fine," Dr. Phillips concedes. He walks over to Carol's bed and watches her for several moments as they wait for another movement. Once again, her chest rises ever so slightly, then falls.

"There, did you see that?" Doug challenges. He rushes to Carol's side and grabs hold of her hand once more.

Dr. Phillips is still unconvinced. He feels these movements are just muscle spasms or something to that effect. It's common in such cases. He reaches for the heart monitor, expecting the buzzing of the flat line to prove his theory. The monitor is switched on but, instead of the long buzz, Doug and Dr. Phillips are met with the sound of a heartbeat. It's a little weak, but it's definitely there. And it seems to grow stronger by the second.

"I knew it, I knew you wouldn't leave me," Doug whispers to Carol. As Dr. Phillips continues to listen to the monitor in amazement, Doug's hope is renewed.

Within an hour, the hospital is buzzing with the news of Carol's miraculous recovery. Although the doctors treating her are still very skeptical that this is a hopeful sign, Doug and her family and friends are too overjoyed to pay attention to this. Considering that they had all told her goodbye that very morning, it's more than they could have hoped for that she is now breathing on her own and has a steady heartbeat.

Helen, Lauren, and Kate come in to see her and Doug decides to let the women have a few moments alone. He walks out into the hallway and, literally, runs into Mark. "Oh, sorry buddy!" Doug says, stumbling back as they collide.

"That's okay . . . so, how's she doing?" Mark asks.

"The same . . . but she's still here. That's something," he replies.

"Yeah, it sure is." Mark looks at him and smiles. "You never gave up on her. Even when we were saying goodbye, I could tell you still had just a tiny bit of hope left."

Doug shrugs, "I just couldn't let her go. It was hard to imagine life without her. I still can't believe she almost . . ." he trails off, not wanting to think about it but unable to put the last few days, or even the last few months, out of his mind.

Mark leads him to the chairs near them. They both sit and Mark turns to face his friend. "She's going to be okay," he says.

"Is she? Dr. Phillips doesn't seem to think so . . ."

"Yeah, well, Dr. Greene is telling you that she will. I know Carol. She's strong; she's a fighter. Remember when she took those pills, remember what her chances were then? She had virtually no hope of waking up. Every doctor in this hospital, including her friends, including me even, figured she'd last a couple of days. We were wrong then, Doug. Carol came back. Now, she has more reason than ever to want to live. She has you and Charlie . . . she has everything the two of you have been planning together. She'll make it, I know she will."

"I hope so," Doug replies sadly, a forlorn expression on his face.

"Believe it," Mark says. Doug looks up at him for a second, then nods. "Well, sorry to rush off like this but I've got to get home. I've been here for two days and Nina's had the girls all that time. I need to get home and relieve her for a while."

"You need to get home and sleep is what you need to do," Doug says as they get up and start for the elevators.

"You should talk!" Mark scoffs. "But no need to worry, I happen to know Charlie and Sarah are on their way up here right now. If anyone can make you get a good meal and a good nap, it's those two," he laughs.

"Charlie *and* my mother?" Doug rolls his eyes. "Oh brother, I'm in trouble now."

"See you later, buddy. Page me if you need anything, okay?" Mark says as he steps onto the elevator.

"Yeah, okay," Doug says.

"Hey, and Doug?" Doug turns back to his friend. "Remember what I said . . . believe it."

"Yeah, yeah I will." Mark smiles and waves. Doug waves back as the door of the elevator shut. He turns and heads back towards Carol's room.

"Hey Doug," Charlie greets as she and his mother, Sarah Burgess, enter the hospital room. Helen and Carol's sisters have just left. They needed some sleep and Doug had promised to call if there was even the slightest change . . . in either direction. Doug turns now to see these two enter and smiles at them from his post beside Carol's bed.

"How is she?" Sarah asks.

"Still here," Doug says.

Sarah nods, "Thank God for that."

"Otherwise, she's been the same for the last few hours. She hasn't gotten worse, but she hasn't improved yet either. The doctors have been in and out of here all morning, but they're in the same boat we all are. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. It's pretty much up to her now," he says, indicating Carol.

"She's tough, we just have to have faith in her," Sarah assures him. Doug nods, still a little unsure. "Sweetheart, when was the last time you had anything to eat?" Sarah asks Doug, now transferring her concern to him.

He shrugs, "I can't remember."

"Well, you need to eat," she insists. "Go up to the cafeteria and get something. Charlie and I will stay with her."

"I can't," he replies, watching Carol all the while.

"Doug, you need to take care of yourself, too, you know," she says. "You probably haven't slept in a week."

"Can you really blame me?" he asks, now looking back at her.

"No, I guess not," she concedes. "But still, Doug, you can't keep this up. She's doing better now. She's stable. Just run up to the cafeteria and get a sandwich or something. You're still in the building if we need you."

"Mom, I can't," he insists. "I have to stay with her. What if she wakes up and I'm not here? Or what if . . ." he stops and looks back at Carol with a sad look. "I can't leave her, Mom, not now," he states emphatically.

"Fine, if you refuse to go get something for yourself, then I'll get it for you. I'll bring it down here and you *will* eat it," she says.

"Okay, alright, if that'll make you feel better," he says.

"It will, honey, it really will." She kisses his cheek and says, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Charlie offers.

"No dear, that's okay. You stay here. I won't be long," Sarah promises.

Charlie nods and Sarah leaves. She has been standing back while he and Sarah talked, just watching Carol and waiting. Now, she approaches Doug. He turns to look at her and smiles. "Hey kiddo," he says.

"Hey," she says softly, looking at Carol.

"How are you doing?" he asks, concern permeating his voice.

"Alright I guess," she says. She watches Carol a moment, then turns to Doug and says, "I'm really scared." Tears fall onto her cheeks and Doug can see the fear in her eyes. He stands quickly and wraps her in his arms. Charlie cries on his shoulder for a few minutes and Doug holds her close.

Finally, she pulls back a little. "I'm sorry . . ." she says weakly.

"Whoa, whoa, there's no need for you to be sorry. It's okay to be scared, you know. I mean, don't you think I'm scared, too?"

"You are?" she asks.

"Of course Charlie! I've never been so scared in my entire life! Just the thought of losing her . . ." he looks back at Carol. "I couldn't handle that," he says.

"Me either," she replies softly. "This morning . . . when I thought . . . when she . . . God, I didn't know what I was going to do, Doug!" she cries. "I thought, 'How am I going to make it if I lose her? What am I going to do? What are *we* going to do?'"

"Yeah, I felt the same way," Doug says sadly. "But, hey, she's not gone. She's still here, right? We're not going to lose her now."

"How can you be so sure? The other doctors don't seem to think . . ."

"Those guys don't know Carol. They look at her, all they see is a patient. But us, we know she's so much more. She's a lot tougher than she looks, believe me," Doug chuckles. Charlie still looks on the brink of more tears. Doug becomes serious again, "Hey, you can trust me, right, you know that?" She nods. "Good, then believe it when I tell you we are *not* going to lose her. We won't Charlie," he says. He takes her chin in his hand and gently turns her to face him. "Hey . . . we won't,' he assures her.

Charlie nods and sits down to hold Carol's hand. Doug watches for a moment and he's surprised at the speech he just gave. Mark was the one telling him this stuff just twenty minutes ago. Now, he's trying to convince Charlie of something he wasn't even sure he could believe himself. He smiles slightly, realizing he has more faith left than he had thought.

"I'm home," Mark calls as he walks into the apartment he shares with Nina. They had decided to move in together just after Christmas. Mark had wanted them to move into his apartment, but Nina had argued that it was too small for the two of them plus their two kids plus, as she put it, 'that dog you insist on keeping'. Finally, Mark had conceded and agreed to move in with her. However, he wouldn't waiver on one point: Nick; the dog stayed. She has reluctantly agreed.

"Hey hon," Nina says as she gets up from the sofa to greet him at the door. They kiss sweetly. "Rough night?" she asks, her voice full of sympathy.

"Yeah, not the greatest I've ever had. Probably the worst, actually."

"I bet." Nina shakes her head slowly and sighs, "It's really just so awful," she says.

"Yeah," Mark says, not really paying much attention. Finally, he realizes what Nina must mean. He had been calling throughout the night with news of Carol's condition. The last time they had spoken was at 7:30am when he had called to tell her about Doug's decision to take Carol off the machines. With everything going on, he had forgotten to call her back and tell her the good news. "Oh, Nina, I can't believe I forgot to call you!" he says.

She has been resting her head on his shoulder as they sat together on the couch. She looks up at him with a curious expression, wondering why he seems so happy. "Huh?" she says.

"Carol . . . she's okay," he says.

"Really?" Nina responds.

"Well, not really okay yet, but they took her off the machines and she started breathing on her own," he says.

"Wow, that's great news Mark!" she smiles.

"Yeah . . . I just wish she'd wake up, though," he says sadly. "Mike Phillips doesn't seem to think she will, but I just can't believe that."

"Mike's a good doctor, Mark," Nina says softly, not wanting to take away his hope but afraid he may be grasping at straws. She can't blame him for wanting his friend back, but she knows he could easily get hurt in this situation.

"I know, but I know Carol. She'll make it, Nina, she just has to." He looks down at Nina and smiles softly. "I love you," he says.

"I love you, too," she says, snuggling closer to him and laying her head back on his shoulder.

"Where are the kids?" he asks, wondering why, at nearly ten o'clock in the morning, the apartment is silent.

"Sam took them to the amusement park," she says. Sam is their neighbor who also has a daughter Rachel and Emma's age, Kelly.

"Poor Sam," Mark laughs.

"I know, she's a better woman than me to take those four for the whole day by herself," Nina says.

"Four? Who else went?" Mark asks.

"Sam's nephew, Ryan. He's twelve."

"She's going to have a day to remember, that's for sure," Mark comments.

Nina nods. She looks up at him. "You look really tired, honey. I know you haven't slept in days."

"I've slept," he protests.

"A short nap squished into one of those God awful chairs in the ER lounge does *not* count," she tells him.

"Well, you take what you can get," he tells her.

"Yeah, and now you're home and you can get into your own bed. You don't have to work, the kids are gone, and there's nothing else you have to do today. Go rest," she instructs.

"I'll tell you what, I'll go if you come with me," he replies.

"Mark, I said *rest*!" she says.

"And I will, it's just, I want you with me. I just want to hold you, I want to feel you next to me," he says in a sincere voice.

Nina smiles and kisses him gently. "Okay," she whispers. They get up from the couch and walk hand in hand back to their bedroom.

   Back      Forward

Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

This page hosted by Get your own Free Homepage