ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #36

My Silent Heart

By: Courtney

Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart;

My silent heart, lie still and break:

Lie, and the world, and mine own self, are changed

For a dream's sake.

~excerpt from Mirage by Christina Rossetti

Carol props herself up in bed and looks at Doug as he enters the hospital room. "Well?" she asks hopefully.

"It's a go," he smiles. "Dr. Phillips says you are free to go home as of today."

"Great!" she says excitedly. "I am *so* ready to be at home!"

"And I'm ready to have you there. Charlie and I are lonely without you," he says. He sits on the edge of her bed and wraps his arms around her, then pulls her close for a kiss.

"Umm," she says as they part, "I've missed more than just the house."

He grins slyly, "Tell me about it!"

Just then, there is a knock on the door. "Can I come in?" a voice says from the doorway. It's Charlie.

"Sure, come on in," Carol says.

Charlie comes inside and smiles as she approaches. "So, I heard the good news. You're coming home today, huh?"

"Yep," Carol says enthusiastically.

"It's about time," Charlie says. It's May 10th and Carol has been in the hospital for three weeks since she woke up. She had even celebrated her birthday here last week.

"I know. I can't wait to get out of this hospital," she replies.

"Well, that's good," Doug says, "because you won't be back for at least a month."

"A month?" Carol says.

"Yep, that's when Dr. Phillips expects you'll be cleared to get back to work."

"That's a long time. What am I going to do between now and then?" she asks.

"Oh, you'll think of something," he laughs.

"I suppose," she says, obviously still not pleased that she will have to stay home for so long.

"Well, we can worry about that later. Let's get your stuff together and get you home," he says.

Carol brightens back up at this, "The sooner the better," she says. Charlie and Doug begin gathering Carol's things together as she heads off to get dressed to leave.

"Hey Charlie," John Carter says as he is coming out of exam three.

She looks up and smiles, "Hey John."

"So, Carol's going home today, huh?" he says as he signs off on the chart in his hand and they walk towards the nurse's station together.

"Yep, she just wanted to drop by and say hello to everyone. Or maybe I should say goodbye."

"What do you mean by that?" he asked.

"Well, she's not too thrilled about Dr. Phillips making her wait a month to come back to work," Charlie tells him.

"Imagine that," Carter laughs. "What did you guys expect? She's not exactly the type to want to lounge around the house you know."

"Oh no? Come over this Sunday," Charlie giggles. They drop off Carter's chart and walk together towards the lounge to join Doug, Carol, and the others.

"Doug, quit babying me! I'm capable of doing this you know," Carol protests as he carries her suitcase up the stairs.

"You might as well give it up," Charlie says from behind her. "He's not listening."

Carol turns to Carol and grins, "Like he ever does," she says.

"Hey, give a guy a break," Doug says as they reach the second floor.

"Oh, you know we still love you," Carol says. She wraps her arms around him and kisses him. Doug puts down the suitcase in his hand and puts his arms around Carol.

"Oh brother!" Charlie says. "Well, gotta go. Don't miss me too much or anything." Doug and Carol aren't paying any attention to her. "I'll be home next week. I'm going to Paris with Josh." Doug raises a hand to wave to her but continues kissing Carol. "Jeez, later you two," Charlie says with a giggle.

After she's gone, Carol pulls back a little and says softly with a smile, "You think she's really going to Paris?"

Doug grins and says, "Nah, she doesn't have a passport." He then pulls Carol close for another kiss.

"Umm, I missed you," Carol says as they are lying in bed together almost an hour later.

"Not as much as I missed you," he growls as he wraps his arms tighter around her.

"You know what I was thinking about Doug?" she begins.

"What?" he asks as he kisses her neck.

"A baby," Carol replies.

Doug stops kissing her and looks at her, his expression growing serious. He sits up a little so that his back is against the headboard of the bed. Carol scoots up to a sitting position beside him.

"Say something," Carol says, her tone reflecting the worry his reaction is bringing her.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Doug says. "I didn't mean to . . . Carol, I'm not being quiet because I don't like what you're saying." He pulls her close to him and looks her in the eyes. "The truth is, ever since you woke up I've been looking forward to the day we could finally have this conversation."

"Doug, I . . ."

"No," he cuts her off, "let me finish." He touches her cheek with his hand. "I . . . I almost lost you," he says softly. "And with that I would have lost the opportunity to be a father again. I never realized just how important that was to me until I saw all of it slipping away."

Carol has tears in her eyes as Doug continues. "I love you . . . more than I can tell you . . . more than any words can express. When I thought you were dying . . . part of me was dying, too. I'd never be the same without you, Carol. I'd never even know how to begin trying."

"Oh Doug," she says softly. He stops her again.

"I loved Sarah so much, Carol. She was . . ." he hesitates, trying to find the words. Finally he says, "perfect." Carol smiles and nods. "You gave me a wonderful gift by bringing her into this world. Even if we lost her . . . she'll always be ours. I want that again. I want to have another child and this time be able to watch them grow up and be there for them and all of the things that come with being a father. I know I don't deserve it, but I want a second chance."

Carol's threatening tears finally spill to her cheeks. Doug wraps his arms around her and hugs her to him. "You deserve it," she whispers. He hopes so.

"You coming in today?" Mark asks into the phone with a grin.

"What do you think?" Doug replies. It's Thursday morning, a few days after Carol's release. It's nearly 10am and Charlie has already left for school but Doug is still in the bed.

"Is she still sleeping?" Mark asks.

"Are you kidding me? She's in the shower," Doug tells him.

"Oh, I guess Nurse Hathaway isn't getting much sleep with you around, huh?" Mark kids him.

"Hey, I've heard no complaints," Doug says.

"You're so bad, quit teasing him," Carol says as she leaves the bathroom. She's wrapped in a towel and combing through her mass of wet curls.

"Uh oh Mark, I gotta go. I have things to do," Doug says.

"Sure, I know what kind of things you have to do," Mark says.

Doug laughs, "Talk to you later, buddy." He hangs up the phone and gets up to sit beside Carol on the edge of the bed.

"What did Mark want?" she asks.

"To be nosy," Doug replies as he begins kissing her neck.

"Doug, stop!" she giggles. "Seriously, I have to get ready."

"Oh, come on Carol," he says as he moves his arms around her. He tugs at the towel she has wrapped around her but she pulls back, keeping it in place.

"Doug, really, we need to get going. My appointment is at 11:30." She has an appointment this morning with Maureen Mitchell, her OB/GYN.

"We have plenty of time," Doug assures her, still tugging at the towel and kissing her neck.

Finally, Carol gives in to temptation. She releases the towel and lets it drop to the bed. "Well, okay, but you better not make me miss this appointment, Ross," she warns. He responds with a deep kiss on the mouth. She sighs and falls back on the bed.

"I knew this would happen," Carol hisses as she and Doug walk quickly down the hallway of the medical building that houses Dr. Mitchell's office. It's 11:45am and they are already 15 minutes late.

Doug laughs, "Oh believe me honey, it was worth it." He grins slyly at her and she tries not to smile back but fails miserably. After all, he's right. It was well worth it.

"Cheryl, I am so sorry . . ." Carol begins as they approach the receptionist.

Cheryl smiles, "No problem. It's not a busy day anyway. Go on back," she says.

"Thank you," Carol says, smiling at her and jerking Doug roughly by the hand to follow her as she leads the way back.

"Doug, Carol, nice to see you both," Dr. Mitchell says as they enter.

"Nice to see you, too," Carol says warmly. "I'm sorry we're late."

"That's okay," she tells her. "Sometimes things just come up unexpectedly."

Doug grins from ear to ear at this but Carol elbows him inconspicuously in the ribs and he says nothing.

"So, what brings you two in today?" Dr. Mitchell asks. Carol had called a few days before and made this appointment but had not really specified her reasons.

"Well, we want to have a baby," Carol explains cheerfully.

"That's wonderful," Dr. Mitchell says. She then furrows her brow, "Are you having trouble?"

"Well, no, but I've been sick. I was in the hospital for quite some time," she explains.

"Yes, yes, I heard. I'm so glad to see you up and around again," the doctor says.

"Thank you. Well, see, the problem is really not so much a problem at all. I just thought . . . *we* just thought," she corrects, "that it would be best if I were to have a check up before we start . . .trying."

"I'd say that is very logical," Dr. Mitchell says. "Why don't we go ahead and get started then?"

"Great," Carol says. Dr. Mitchell leaves the room for a moment and Carol turns to Doug and smiles. It won't be long now . . .

Half an hour later, Carol is on the exam table in a gown. Doug is by her side, holding her hand, and Dr. Mitchell is examining her. Carol looks at Doug and he touches her cheek with his free hand and mouths the words, 'I love you.' She mouths back, 'Me too.'

"Okay, that should do it," Dr. Mitchell says. "You can get dressed now," she says as she starts from the room.

"Wait, how does everything look?" Carol asks hopefully.

"I . . . I need to run some tests first to be sure, Carol," the doctor says. She seems to be avoiding something. Carol senses this and it scares her.

"Please . . . tell me."

Dr. Mitchell sighs and sits down beside the exam table as Carol sits up. Doug puts his arm around her and they wait for the news they are no longer sure they want to hear. "I wish I could tell you something hopeful . . . but the truth is . . . things don't look so good."

"What?" Carol breathes.

"I'm not sure what caused it . . . the illness maybe . . . maybe something else. But your uterus is very weak. Frankly I have my doubts you could carry a child to full-term." She looks sadly at them; she's obviously sorry she has to tell them this.

"I . . . I don't understand. I carried Sarah for eight months; I never had one complication. How could things change so suddenly?"

"Well, first off, you were very sick for a while. No doubt that had an effect. Plus, when you lost Sarah it was very traumatic to your system. I can't pinpoint the cause for sure though."

"So, what happens next?" Doug asks. "I mean, can she be put on bed rest during her pregnancy? What can we do here?"

Dr. Mitchell nods sadly. "I'm afraid I would have to recommend against you trying to have a child."

"Ever?" Carol asks in a shocked voice.

"I'm afraid so," she says.

"Well, that's just not acceptable," Doug says, his anger growing. "There must be something that can be done here . . ."

"I really don't know what that would be. It's not only that you can't carry the child to term. There are other factors. Because of complications, probably due to your illness, it would put your health at great risk to get pregnant. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the bottom line is pretty grim. If you do go forward with this, there is a 75% chance you'll miscarry within the first trimester. And there's a 50% chance you yourself won't even survive this pregnancy. It would be very ill advised to go ahead with this. I really am very sorry."

Doug and Carol sit together in shock, not sure what to say. The doctor excuses herself to let the two have a few minutes to themselves. "Is this really happening?" Carol asks quietly. Doug doesn't answer. He just wraps her in his arms as she starts to cry.

By 1pm, Doug and Carol are in the car on their way home. Carol is staring out the window, not saying a word. "What are you thinking?" Doug asks softly.

"Huh?" she turns to him. She snaps back to the present and shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess I was just thinking about the rest of my life," she tells him sadly.

"It'll all be okay," he says. "We'll get through this."

She nods and turns back to the window. She hears his words but she can't make herself believe them. What could possibly make this better?

"June 12th," Nina says.

"What? Are you crazy? How will we ever pull that off? That's less than a month away!" Mark says. They are sitting at the table going over plans for their wedding. When Carol got sick, everything got postponed. But, now that's she's on the road to recovery, they can start thinking about things again.

"Oh Mark, we can do it. We already had a lot of it planned before anyway," Nina assures him.

"I don't know about this," he says.

"Well, did you call Doug about the tux yet?"

"Yeah, this morning. He was . . . lets just say he had his mind on other things," Mark grins.

"Oh, I see. Well, I guess we need to give Doug and Carol some time to get . . ." Nina searches for the right word, "reacquainted before we try to get them involved in this circus, huh?"

Mark laughs and nods as they turn back to the calendars and wedding planners spread out before them. This will be one wedding he'll never forget.

"Excuse me," the woman says politely as she squeezes past several other passengers to take her seat by the window. She looks out at the blue sky and smiles. It's a nice day to travel. She hasn't been so happy to be going somewhere in a long time. Life seems to have pulled her on a lot of journeys these past few years, but she has a feeling this one will be different. She wants to reach her destination and stay for once. She's ready to let her life take root somewhere. 'Finally,' she thinks and turns back to look at the sky once more.

"I'm home," Charlie calls as she comes into the house. With the way Doug and Carol have been this week, she's pretty sure a little advanced warning of her arrival couldn't hurt. She closes the door, not paying attention to whether she slammed it or not. Suddenly, Doug appears at the top of the staircase.

"Can you keep it down a little please?" he hisses. "I just got her to sleep."

"Who?" Charlie asks.

"Carol of course," he responds and starts down the stairs to continue this conversation.

"Why? What's wrong with her? She's not getting sick again . . ." a look of alarm rises immediately to Charlie's face.

"No, not exactly," he says as he reaches the bottom of the stairs.

"Doug, you look awful!" she says. "What is going on around here?"

"Come in here," he instructs and puts his arm around her to lead her into the living room. They sit together on the couch. Charlie looks at him, waiting for an explanation. "We saw her obstetrician today," he says sadly.

"I didn't know you were going there," Charlie says.

"We didn't tell you . . . we wanted it to be a surprise. We've been talking about . . . I mean we want to . . . have a baby," he finally finishes.

"Well, I think that's great. So, what's the problem?"

"Dr. Mitchell says Carol can't have children," he says in a pained voice.

"What?" Charlie says, her eyes growing large. "How can that be? What about Sarah?"

"Well, apparently the accident and then her getting sick have done some damage that . . . well, that can't be repaired. She can probably get pregnant, but if she does, there's a good chance she'll lose the baby. And . . ." he hesitates but then finally continues. "There's also a chance she could die."

"Oh God . . ." Charlie says in a whisper. "That's just awful . . ."

"Yeah, she's pretty torn up about this whole thing," he says.

"I'm sure she is," Charlie nods. She looks at Doug and sees the expression on his face. "You are too, I can tell. You wanted this as much as she did. I'm really sorry." She wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him. He just sits there for a moment, then he returns the embrace. They sit there on the couch, holding each other, for a long time.

"Ladies and gentleman, we are about to begin our final approach. Please take your seats and fasten your safety belts. Thank you for flying United."

The woman takes a deep breath and thinks, 'Well, this is it.' She fastens her belt as the flight attendant had asked and looks out at the city below. She can see O'Hara below them as they circle around to begin landing. It's been a long time . . .

The phone rings and Charlie quickly answers it, "Hello?"

"Hey, Charlie, it's Mark. Can I talk to Doug please?"

"Um, I'm not sure. Hang on . . ." she puts down the phone and walks across the hall. The door is opened just a crack and she looks into Doug and Carol's room. Carol has woken up and she's crying. Doug is sitting beside her on the bed, holding her in his arms. Charlie turns and walks back to her room.

"It's not such a good time right now," she tells Mark.

"Is everything okay?" he asks.

"Well . . . not exactly. Look, I'll tell Doug to call you, okay?"

"Sure, okay Charlie. Thanks," Mark says and hangs up the phone.

"What was that about?" Nina asks.

Mark shrugs, "I don't know, but I'm about to find out."

Charlie looks at her homework problems but the tears in her eyes keep blurring the page in her algebra book. She finally gives up and slams the book closed. She's been sitting here for hours and she can't keep her mind on anything but what Doug had told her. It's just so awful . . .

The phone rings again and she quickly picks it up. "Hello?" she says, trying to wipe away her tears.

"Charlie?" says a familiar voice. It's Josh.

"Yeah," she says.

"What's wrong, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess . . ." she says.

"Something happened. What is it?" he says.

"Nothing, it's . . . nothing. What's going on?"

"Um . . . I . . ." hearing Charlie's voice sounding so upset has made him forget why he called for a moment. "Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to get together and work on homework tonight. I'm having trouble with my French homework. Plus, I'd really like to see you," he adds.

"I . . . I don't know . . . I'm not in much of a homework mood. I might just slack off on it today," she says. That's not like Charlie at all and this worries Josh instantly.

"I'm coming over," he says.

"No, Josh . . ." she begins protesting.

"No Charlie, I am," he insists.

"Okay, but don't ring the bell. I'll watch for you," she says. He agrees and hangs up the phone then grabs his coat and keys and heads for the door.

The doorbell rings and startles Charlie. "Damn it, Josh," she mumbles as she gets off the bed. "I told you *not* to ring the bell." She starts down the stairs as Doug looks out his bedroom door. "Don't worry, I'll get it," she says to him. He nods and returns to Carol.

"Josh, I thought I said . . ." she begins as she opens the door. But, it's not Josh. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else," she says to the visitor. "Can I help you?"

"Yes," the woman smiles. "Um . . . does Carol Hathaway still live here?"

"Yeah, she does. Uh . . . are you a friend?"

The woman nods and her smile grows wider. "Yes, a very good friend."

"Okay . . . um . . . come on in."

Charlie steps back and the woman enters. She glances around the house. "Still looks just the same," she says under her breath. "It's nice to see some things never change," she tells Charlie.

Charlie nods and gives the woman a strange look. Why does she look oddly familiar? "Um, have a seat and I'll go get Doug," she says.

"Doug?" the woman seems slightly surprised.

"Um, yeah, hang on," she says and turns towards the stairs. Before she can make it halfway up, the doorbell rings again, "Josh!" she hisses again and turns to go back downstairs.

"Charlie, what's going on down there?" Doug asks as he looks out of the bedroom again.

"Oh, nothing. Um, there's a woman here who says she's a friend of Carol's."

"What's her name?" Doug asks.

"She didn't say. She just said they were old friends."

"Okay, I'll be right down," he says.

Charlie nods and the doorbell rings again. "I'm coming, I'm coming," she mumbles. "Hold your horses." She opens the door, expecting again to see Josh. But, this time it's Mark Greene. "Oh, hi," Charlie says, surprised.

"Hey, I just came by to uh . . . well, you sounded upset and I was afraid something was wrong so . . . I came to check on you guys," he finishes.

"I . . ." she starts but she's cut off as Doug starts down the stairs behind her.

"Mark," he says. "What are you doing here?"

"Just checking up on you," he says.

"I see . . ." he says with a halfhearted grin. "Well, come on in. We seem to have a mystery guest to see Carol. Let's go find out who it is, shall we?"

"Sure, okay," Mark says and walks inside.

Charlie looks out and sees Josh pulling up so she steps outside and closes the door and sits on the front steps to wait for him. He parks his car and jumps out then goes quickly to sit beside Charlie on the steps. "Hey," she says as he puts his arms around her shoulders.

"Hey yourself," he replies quietly. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really . . . not now. Just hold me, okay?"

"I can handle that," Josh says softly and pulls her into his arms.

Meanwhile, back inside, Mark takes off his coat and follows Doug into the living room. "So, what kind of mystery guest are we talking about?" he whispers.

"I don't know, I haven't seen her yet," Doug answers.

"Well, I wonder if we . . ." Mark starts but then stops. The woman has risen from the couch and turns to face the two of them as they enter the living room.

"Hi you two," she says.

"Oh my God," Doug says.

"Yeah," Mark says quietly from beside him.

"Susan?" Doug asks incredulously. Mark is still standing beside him in stunned silence.

"Yep, it's me," she says, flashing them her toothy grin.

"Wow, what a surprise . . ." Doug says. He walks over and gives her a hug. "It's great to see you. How have you been?" he asks.

"Great, I've been great. What about you? What are you doing here? And who was that girl that answered the door? Is Carol home?"

"I . . . well, that's a *very* long story. Um . . . I live here, with Carol. We're together. We have been for almost two years now."

"Wow, that's so great! I always knew it would happen eventually," she tells him.

"Yeah . . . that girl, that was Charlie. We adopted her."

"Adopted? Wait, the same Charlie that used to come in the ER?" Doug nods. "Really? Wow, and I thought nothing would have changed back here in Chicago," Susan marvels.

Doug smiles and then looks back to see what Mark is doing. He's still standing in the entryway, unmoving. "Mark? Yo, Mark! You okay?" he asks.

"Uh . . . me? Yeah, yeah, fine," Mark says. He smiles uneasily and walks further into the room. Susan smiles softly at him and he hugs her awkwardly.

"I missed you, Mark," she says softly.

"Yeah, me too," he replies into her hair. They part and both seem a little uncomfortable.

"Um, where's Carol? Is she home?" Susan asks.

"Yeah, but uh . . . she's not feeling too well," Doug says.

"Is everything okay? Do you think you should take her to the hospital?" Mark asks, suddenly very worried.

"No, no, it's nothing like that. She just had some bad news at the doctor today."

Susan looks very confused as she sits on the couch beside Doug and Mark sits in a nearby chair. Doug tells Susan quickly of Carol's illness and how he had almost lost her. "We got really lucky," he says.

"Sure sounds that way," she says quietly. "I wish I had known . . ."

"But, she's better though. She's getting her strength back. But, today . . ." he stops, getting a little choked up.

"What happened?" Mark asks.

"It's okay," Susan says gently as she takes Doug's hand.

"We went to see Dr. Mitchell, Carol's obstetrician," he begins. "We wanted to be sure she was okay because, well, we wanted to try to have another baby."

"Another?" Susan asks.

"Yeah, uh . . ." Doug starts.

"It's okay, I'll tell her later," Mark says to him. Susan nods and urges Doug to continue.

"Well, Dr. Mitchell says it's not a good idea. Something about complications . . . I don't know. She can't have any more children . . . ever," he finishes with his head down.

"Oh God, Doug, I'm so sorry," Susan says. She puts her arms around him and hugs him.

"That's a shame," Mark says. "I know you two really wanted this." Doug nods and pulls back from Susan.

"Is she sleeping now?" Susan asks.

"No, I don't think so. She's just in bed. She's pretty upset."

"I can only imagine . . . Is it okay if I go check on her?"

"Sure, seeing you might do her some good," Doug says. Susan nods and heads up the stairs to Carol's room.

"I'm really sorry about all this, Doug," Mark says again.

"Yeah, me too," Doug replies. "Hey, what's up with Susan? Did you know she was coming?"

"No, not me," Mark says. "I didn't look shocked enough for you?"

Doug laughs, maybe for the first time all night, "Yeah, I guess you did."

"Carol? You awake?" Susan asks through the bedroom door.

"Who's that?" asks a strained voice.

Susan opens the door and peeks inside. "Remember me?" she asks with a grin.

"Susan!" Carol says. Susan walks quickly to the bed and sits down to hug Carol. "What on earth are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming to visit?"

"Because I'm not . . . here to visit I mean. I'm back. I'm here for good."

"Wow, what happened?"

"Well, I just wasn't happy. I haven't been in a long time. I mean, I love my sister and Susie, but I just couldn't build a life around them. They don't need that. They have their own lives. I just felt in the way. I sat down and started thinking of when the last time I was happy was and the first thing I thought of was Chicago. So, here I am!" she smiles.

"That's great. I'm so glad you're back. I really have missed you."

"Me too," Susan says. "So, Doug and Mark were just catching me up on things downstairs," she says.

"Mark's here?" Carol asks.

"Yeah," Susan says. "But I didn't come up here to talk about Mark. I came to see how you're doing. Doug told me what happened today. How are you holding up?"

"Not so good," Carol admits. "I mean, I never really thought much about kids, you know? I figured, someday . . . But, when I lost Sarah, I think I just sort of realized . . ." she trails off.

"Sarah?"

Carol takes a deep breath and sighs. "Yeah, she was my daughter. Well, Doug's and mine. Last July, I was eight months pregnant. I was driving to work and . . . I was hit by a drunk driver." Tears stream freely down Carol's cheeks. "She died before they got her to the hospital," Carol says softly.

"Oh Carol, I am so sorry," Susan says as she hugs her friend. "God, you've been through so much."

"I'm glad you're here, Susan," Carol says softly.

'So, am I,' Susan thinks, 'so am I.'

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