ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #37

Rain Of Absolution

by: Courtney

With hush of apprehension

And quaking of the heart,

There breed the storms of anger,

And floods of sorrow start.

And there shall fall,--how gently!--

To make them fertile yet,

The rain of absolution

On acres of regret.

~ Bliss Carman, excerpt from Weather of the Soul

Doug walks in and looks to the window. She's still sitting there. She's been in the same place for the last four hours. Actually, she's spent most of the last few days since the doctors visit in front of that window. She's taking this whole thing very hard. "Still raining?" he asks softly.

"A little," Carol replies without looking up from the dreary view.

"You hungry? Me and Charlie were thinking about going out for pizza and we thought maybe you'd like to . . ."

"No," she interrupts. "I'm not hungry. You two go, though."

"Nah, we can just order in. It's pretty nasty out anyway I guess," he says as he walks over to kneel down beside her chair. He takes her hand in his and kisses her knuckles. "Talk to me," he whispers.

"There's nothing to talk about," she says sadly without looking at him.

"Yes there is, there's plenty to talk about. We still have a home, a family, a life. This is awful news but it's not the end of the world. We can get through this. But we have to stick together. We can't shut each other out, not now."

Finally, she looks his way. "I'm sorry, I just can't see past this right now," she says. Her eyes well up with tears as she looks at Doug. The pain in her expression sends a shot of pain through him that seems to tug at every nerve.

"I know," he says as he wraps her in his arms. "I know this is hard. I know you wanted this so much . . . I'm so sorry this is happening to us." She lays her head on his shoulder but doesn't allow herself to cry. Doug pulls back after a moment. "You know, there are other options. We can still have a baby. I mean, there's always adoption. Lots of kids need good homes and the kind of love we could give them . . ."

"I just don't know if I'm ready to think about that," she says.

"It's okay, I understand. We have time." He starts to get up. "I'm going to go down and tell Charlie to order the pizza. You're sure you don't want any?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," she says softly.

"Okay," he replies and kisses her forehead then turns to go. He looks back once from the door and sees her gaze has turned back to the window and the rain that won't seem to stop falling.

"Well?" Charlie asks expectantly as Doug comes downstairs. He shakes his head sadly and her face falls. Doug continues down the stairs and puts his arm around Charlie's shoulders.

"Don't worry, she'll be okay. She just needs some time. This is a pretty big shock."

"I know," Charlie says. "I just hate seeing her so upset."

"Yeah, me too," Doug says as they walk together to sit on the couch. "So, you want to order a pizza? We can stay up late and watch movies. It'll be fun."

"Is she eating with us?"

"No, she's not hungry."

"She needs to eat," Charlie protests.

"I know but I don't want to push her right now. She just needs a little time alone. I'll be sure she's okay though, don't worry."

Charlie doesn't really like this answer but she decides to accept it, for now. "I'll go call for the pizza," she says, getting up from the couch.

"Okay, I'll get a movie for us to watch," he calls after her.

A few minutes later Charlie walks back into the living room. "They said it'll probably be about thirty minutes or so," she says as she comes around the side of couch. She stops when she sees Doug. A small smile crosses her lips. He has his head against the back of the couch and has fallen asleep. He looks so peaceful. She hates to wake him up since she knows how little sleep he's gotten lately. Instead, she goes over and gets a blanket that is draped across the back of one of the chairs and covers him with it. "So much for movie night," she whispers with a smile. She turns off the light and heads upstairs.

A soft knock on the door wakes Doug. He looks around and realizes he has fallen asleep on the couch. It's nearly midnight. He wonders how he ended up tucked under a blanket, then he sees a note on the coffee table. He reads it quickly, it says there is pizza in the refrigerator if he wakes up hungry and it's signed 'Love, Charlie'. He smiles a little and is rather lost in his thoughts until the knocking at the door persists.

"Coming," he says. He shuffles quickly to the door to keep the knocking from waking Carol and Charlie. He opens the door to find Susan Lewis. "Susan? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" It's still raining out and she's drenched.

"Um . . . Carol called . . ." Susan says with a confused expression.

"Carol? Oh, I thought she was sleeping . . ." he seems to be as confused as Susan is. She's still standing on the porch, soaked. Suddenly, Doug becomes of aware of this. "Oh, sorry Susan, come on in." He steps back and Susan walks inside.

Just then, Carol appears at the top of the stairs. Doug and Susan both look up at her with curious expressions. "Carol? Honey, are you okay?" Doug asks.

"Fine, I just needed to talk to Susan," she says. She avoids looking him in the eye and he is very aware of this.

Susan squeezes his hand and whispers, "Don't worry." He looks at her and nods, still a bit confused. He watches as Susan walks upstairs and then she and Carol disappear into the bedroom and close the door.

Doug wanders back over to the couch. He sits down and lays his head back against the cushions to stare at the ceiling. 'Why can't she talk to me?' he wonders. Maybe he really just can't understand what she feels. This thought makes him feel even worse.

"What's going on? You sounded upset," Susan says quietly as she and Carol enter the bedroom. Carol had called her a little less than half an hour ago at her hotel and asked her to come over because she needed to talk to her. Susan had heard Carol's voice and grabbed her coat and shoes and come right over.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get you worried . . ." Carol says as she sits on the bed.

Susan sits beside her. "Oh, hey, it's okay. Is there a reason to worry?" she asks.

"In my life there always is," Carol replies as her eyes start to fill with tears.

"Aw, hey, it'll be okay," Susan says as she hugs her friend. "Things will get better."

Carol pulls away and looks at her. "When? How? Nothing can fix this . . . it'll never get better." She hangs her head but still doesn't let her tears escape.

"I'm sorry . . . I know I can't even begin to understand . . ." Susan says quietly.

"No, Susan, I'm sorry. I called you over here and now look how I'm acting. It's just . . ." she stops and gets up to walk over to the window.

Susan follows her and stands behind her. She places a hand on Carol's shoulder. "Carol," she says quietly to urge her friend to continue.

"I've been sitting here looking out this window all day today. I've been watching it rain and thinking about everything. I just don't know . . . I just don't know how I'll keep on going when I know what lies ahead." Her voice cracks as she finishes this sentence.

"You'll keep going because you still have so much left to keep going for. You've got Doug and Charlie and all your friends and family. You'll never be alone, Carol."

"I know . . ." she says, sounding very unsure. "Susan, can I tell you something and you swear not to tell anyone, not even Doug?" she asks suddenly.

"Sure," Susan says, curious as to what this revelation could be.

"I've been thinking about everything that Dr. Mitchell said." Carol begins to walk towards the bed. "I've thought about the risks and the consequences and the what ifs and . . ." she turns back to face Susan, "I want to do it anyway."

Susan doesn't respond for a moment. Finally she says, "You want to . . . you mean you want to get pregnant anyway? Carol, you can't be serious!"

"Yes I am. I've never been more serious about anything. I want to have a baby, Doug's baby. I want another chance. I think Doug and I deserve another chance."

"Well, I think so too but you have to know it's not really a question of if you deserve the chance or not. This could be very dangerous. The chances for the baby aren't very good. And," she lowers her voice a little to almost a whisper as if she doesn't even know if she wants to hear herself say the next words, "this could kill you. Are you ready to take that chance?"

"I really and truly believe that I am," Carol says.

"Have you talked to Doug about this?"

"No, I've been sitting here all day trying to figure out a way to bring it up."

"Well, I think you need to talk to him."

"Yeah, yeah I guess you're right. Thanks Susan."

"Sure, anytime," Susan smiles. She starts for the door.

"You're welcome to stay here tonight if you want," Carol offers as they make their way downstairs.

"No, you need to talk to him," Susan says quietly. "Besides, I've still got some things to figure out so I could use a nice rainy night to sit alone and think."

"You know, if you ever want to talk . . ." Carol begins.

"I know, I know just where to come," Susan smiles. They reach the bottom of the stairs and hug quickly.

"Call me," Carol says.

"I will. Bye." She looks into the living room and sees Doug's head against the back of the couch, fast asleep. "Tell him I said goodbye, okay?"

"Sure thing," Carol smiles and then watches as her friend gets into her car and drives away. She closes the door to the cold, rainy night and looks towards the living room. Should she wake him up to talk about this now or wait until morning? She figures she may never have the courage again so she had better do it now.

"Doug?" Carol whispers as she sits beside him on the couch. She touches his cheek softly. "Doug?"

"Huh? What?" he says as he begins to wake. He sees her sitting there and feels her hand on his cheek. His hand comes up quickly to cover hers. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"I think so," she replies. "Listen, I know it's late, but I really need to talk to you."

"Sure, you know you can always talk to me," he tells her.

"I've, uh . . . I've been thinking . . . well, I think that, uh . . ."

"Carol, what is it?" he asks gently.

"Doug, I think we should have a baby," she blurts out.

His eyes grow wide in surprise for a moment, then he says, "Carol, you know what Dr. Mitchell said . . ."

"I know, but I don't care about that. I want us to try anyway. Dr. Mitchell said it would be very hard and she wouldn't recommend it but that doesn't mean it's impossible. We've beaten the odds in everything we've ever done, what makes this any different?"

"You, Carol. You are what makes this different. I'd be willing to risk almost anything to give you a child. I want this, too. And I'd do a lot of things to make it happen, but . . . I won't risk you. I almost lost you once; I can't take the chance of that happening again. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"But Doug, this is important to me. It's important to us. I need for us to do this," her eyes hold a pleading expression as she waits for his response.

"Carol . . ." he looks away from her and stares at his hands. "I'm really sorry," he finally says, "but I can't let you do this. I think it's a really bad idea."

Her face falls and she just stares at him a moment. She knew he'd be against this but she's surprised he won't even consider the possibility. Suddenly, anger rises up within her at his abrupt and final decision. "Fine, that's just fine," she says as she jumps up from the couch.

Doug reaches out and grabs her hand. "Wait, we should talk about this," he says.

She pulls her hand free and glares down at him. "There's nothing left to talk about. I want this and you don't. That's all there is to say." He sees her anger soften just a bit as sorrow begins to creep into her face. In a quiet voice, she says, "I really need to *not* be with you right now." With that she turns for the stairs to head to the bedroom.

Doug hears the door close but he doesn't follow her. He remains on the couch, looking lost. What just happened? Was this a fight? Was she just upset? Would she realize this was crazy? Doug has no idea what he can say to make Carol see that having a baby, while it would be wonderful, is not worth risking her life. He needs her too much to consent to letting her do that. The only problem is, for her, it's more than worth that cost.

Susan walks into her hotel room and flops down on the bed. "What a night," she says out loud to the empty room. She lays her head back and stares at the ceiling and wonders what is happening over at Doug and Carol's right about now. She hopes things are going well but she suspects differently. How eager is Doug going to be for Carol to risk her life to have a baby? Susan knows her friends have a long road ahead.

She sighs and rolls over to stare out the window. The rain has picked back up and it's falling down in sheets now. As she stares out she almost thinks she hears a whistle over the roar of the storm, like a train whistle, but she's sure it's just her imagination. This past week she's thought a lot about trains, one in particular. She still remembers the look on his face when she told Mark she had to leave. She had hated hurting him like that. She hadn't been able to close her eyes for weeks after she left without seeing his face as he began to cry when the train pulled away. 'I do love you, Mark,' she had said . . .

'That was so cruel,' she thinks now. 'How could you leave him there and tell him you loved him? He was pouring his heart out and you made things seem like you had this sisterly feeling towards him, like his feelings were just a silly crush . . .' But were they? The more she's thought about it these past few years the more certain she has become that she made a big mistake that day. She should have stayed with Mark. Maybe, if she had, she'd be happy now . . .

Still, it's too late to think about that. Mark has Nina and he's getting married. Despite the awful way she rejected him he had managed to find happiness with someone else. She's happy for him. He'll finally get his happy ending and there is no way she's standing in the way of that.

Carol opens her eyes and looks at the clock. It's only 5:30am. She has been laying here for hours, tossing and turning, trying to sleep, but without much success. She's drifted in and out but none of her sleep has been restful. Now she cannot stand to lie here any longer. This is something she and Doug need to discuss. She gets out of bed and heads downstairs.

The house is quiet, which is to be expected when it's still an hour before sunrise. She figures he must be sleeping on the couch but since he's not on until tonight at 6pm she decides to wake him up. There can't be any better reason for them to talk than this. She walks into the living room and turns on a lamp. He's not there. She looks around but sees no sign of him.

'Where could be have gone?' she wonders. She goes into the kitchen but he's not in there either. A thorough search of the house turns up nothing. Finally, she checks the driveway. She finds what she feared she might; his car is gone. 'He left,' she thinks as she goes back inside and closes the door. She sinks down to the floor with her back to the front door. 'Now what?'

The sun is just coming up as Doug pulls into a gas station. He's been driving around the dark, rainy streets of Chicago for hours and his tank is finally on empty. He fills it up and watches the horizon as the sun starts to peak over the skyline. He finishes pumping the gas and goes inside to pay. Then he gets back in the car and gets back on the road. He's not sure where he's headed. Then again, he's been driving for nearly three hours and he has yet to determine any type of destination. An aimless journey seems more appropriate anyway. He has no idea where his life is headed right now either.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to Doug. He's not sure why, but there is someone he feels he must talk to about this. Every thought tells him not to do it, but he turns the car around anyway. Depending on the outcome, this could be the best or worst thing for him to do right now.

Doug knocks on the door. "Coming!" says a gruff voice from inside. Doug can tell by the voice that the man is rather irritated. He waits.

After a moment, Ray Ross opens the door in a robe and slippers. "Doug?" he says in an astonished tone.

"Ray," Doug acknowledges.

"I, um . . . sorry, I'm just a little surprised. This is rather . . . unexpected," Ray says.

"Can I come in or are you busy? If you are I can come back . . ." Doug begins to turn around.

"No, no," his father says. "Come in." He steps back from the door and Doug enters the apartment. It's much nicer than he would have thought. Everything looks clean and in place. This immediately makes Doug suspect Ray must have a woman living with him. As if he can read Doug's thoughts, Ray says, "I have a housekeeper, she just came yesterday."

"I didn't say anything," Doug says.

"No, but you were thinking it. Don't deny it, Doug," Ray says. Doug just nods and remains silent. "Coffee?" Ray asks over his shoulder as he starts for the kitchen.

"Uh, sure," Doug says absently. He's still surveying the apartment. It's nothing like he would have expected at all. This just reminds him how little he knows his own father.

Ray returns momentarily with two cups of coffee and hands one to Doug. "Have a seat," he offers as he sits in one of the chairs. Doug sits on the nearby couch. "So, what brings you here this morning?"

"There has to be a reason?" Doug asks.

"No, you can visit me anytime you please but I know you too well to think this is a routine visit. Besides, it *is* 6am," Ray reminds him.

"Yeah . . ." Doug says as he runs a finger around the rim of his coffee cup. He keeps his eyes from meeting Ray's. He's beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to come here. Maybe he doesn't know this man well enough to expect him to understand . . .

"I'm sorry I never came to the hospital, son," Ray says. Doug looks up at this. "I . . . I wanted to . . . it was just . . . well, no excuses. I should have come and I didn't. I'm sorry." Doug had been very angry with Ray for never calling or coming by to check on Carol when they weren't sure if she'd make it or not. But, with everything else on his mind today, he had completely forgotten about that.

"I'm curious . . . I'd like to hear your excuse," Doug says.

"What?"

"Your excuse, I'd like to hear it. What kept you away?"

"I . . ." he looks at his son, not sure how to answer. Finally he sighs and sets down his coffee. He looks Doug in the eye. "I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't feel like I belonged there. I've never done anything to deserve to be your father and I knew, if she didn't make it, you'd want to be surrounded by the people you could count on . . . I guess I've always known I wasn't one of those people."

"So, the woman I love was about to die and you felt like you'd be intruding?" Doug asks as his anger begins to mount.

"I . . . Doug, is this what you came here to talk about?" Ray asks.

"You brought it up!" he yells.

"I know, and if you want to get into a discussion on how I'm a lousy father we can do that, but I got the feeling you came here to talk about something else. Was I wrong?" Doug falls silent at this. "Doug?" Ray says quietly.

"Carol can't have children," Doug says.

"What? Oh, I'm so sorry."

"We saw the doctor last week. We wanted to start trying again . . ."

"How's Carol? She must be very upset."

"Yeah, no less than I would expect. But, last night, she comes in telling me this crazy idea . . ."

"What was it?"

Doug looks at his father. "She says she wants to try to have a baby anyway. She doesn't care about what the doctors say or what the odds are. She wants to go against all that and try anyway."

"And that's crazy? You've never been one to follow the rules, Doug," Ray says.

"Yeah, that's usually true. I mean, if we were talking about anything else she wanted this badly I'd say to hell with what everyone else says, but . . . we're talking about her life. I could lose her." He looks down at the coffee cup he is now clutching in his hands again. "I don't know if I can risk that."

Ray nods, beginning to see his son's dilemma. "Well, I can't tell you what to do here, son. This is something you and Carol have to work out. My only advice would be follow your heart."

Doug looks at his father, surprised to hear such words from him. He thinks about what Ray has said for a moment, then slowly begins to nod. Ray smiles slightly at his son. "Um, I should probably go. Carol's going to wonder where I am," Doug says as he starts to get up.

"Well, anytime you want to talk you know where I am," Ray says as he follows Doug to the door. "And Doug," he says as they stand in the entryway. Doug turns around to look at him. "I really am sorry I never came to see Carol . . . or you. I should have, I . . ."

Doug stops him. "Ray, it's okay. I understand." Ray nods. Doug looks back one last time at the apartment. "We really do need to get to know each other," he says.

"I'd really like that," Ray smiles.

Doug then does something that surprises him almost as much as it surprises Ray. He hugs him. "Thanks Dad," he says quietly. Ray can't find his voice to respond; he just hugs back.

"Good morning," Charlie says as she comes into the kitchen dressed for school. Carol is sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. At first, Charlie doesn't notice the far off look in her eyes. "Where's Doug?" she asks as she gets herself some coffee and sits down at the table with Carol. Finally, Charlie notices Carol's expression. "Are you okay? What happened?" she asks.

"He's not here," Carol says in answer to her question about Doug. "I'll get dressed and take you to school." She starts to get up but Charlie catches her arm.

"Carol, what happened?" she repeats.

"We had a fight. It'll be okay, don't worry about it. Now, I need to go get dressed so you won't be late." She pulls away and heads for the stairs. Charlie is left in the kitchen with a confused look on her face. All anyone ever tells her to do around here is not worry yet they all always seem to have something for her to worry about.

Doug is back in his car after his visit with Ray. He feels strangely better after talking to his dad. He hadn't expected Ray to help him that much but now he's glad he decided to go by there. Still, things aren't looking too great this morning. It's nearly 8 o'clock and he knows Carol has realized he left. She's going to think he left because he was angry. He's not sure what he'll tell her.

He decides, before heading home, he needs to be alone for a little longer to think about all this so he drives to the park and sits in his car and thinks. His mind is reeling with all the questions he has no answers for. Even with all this confusion overtaking him, though, he can't fight sleep for very long. He's only been at the park for about twenty minutes when his eyelids close and he gives way to his exhaustion.

"Ready to go?" Carol asks as she comes downstairs with her purse in hand.

"No that's okay," Charlie tells her. "I just called Michelle. She hasn't left yet so she said she'd swing by and pick me up."

"Charlie, I can take you, it's no problem," Carol insists.

"No, really, Michelle doesn't mind," Charlie assures her. "So, you think he'll be back today? Where did he go?"

"I don't know. And I have no idea when he'll be back. But, please, don't get yourself worked up about this. Doug and I will work this out. It's nothing you need to worry about."

'Easier said than done,' Charlie thinks. Just then, the honk of Michelle's car horn sounds and Carol gets a reprieve from any more of Charlie's questions, at least for now.

"So, you haven't got any ideas about where he would go?" Susan asks. She and Carol are on the phone and Carol is getting more and more upset that she hasn't heard from Doug.

"I have no clue. Mark says he hasn't been at the hospital all day, he hasn't called, no one else has called me to say they've heard from him . . . he's probably off somewhere getting drunk," she says sullenly.

"Now, come on, do you really think that?" Susan asks.

"No, I suppose not. But how could he do this? I mean, we're having a major crisis in our lives and he just disappears. It's really hard for me not to see this as something the old Doug would have done. He always ran from situations he couldn't handle. I thought I'd finally gotten him to stop running, but maybe . . . well, maybe I was wrong."

"Or maybe he's just as confused as you are and he just needs time. Think about it Carol, you're asking him to say it's okay for you to risk your life. Doug heard the same things from Dr. Mitchell that you did. He knows there's a 50% chance you could not make it through this. And, aside from that, she didn't give you very good odds on the chances for the baby. Don't you think Doug might be scared to lose another child, scared he can't do that again?"

"I know, I know you're right, but . . ." Carol's voice cracks as she tries hard to hold back tears. "I just need him right now and he's not here."

"I know, I know this has to be hard for you. Do you want me to come over?"

"Do you mind? I mean, I feel like all I've done since you got here is run to you with my problems."

"Carol, don't ever worry about that. Its just part of being a friend."

"Thanks Susan, you don't know how glad I am to have you back."

   Back      Forward

Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

This page hosted by Get your own Free Homepage