ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #37 continued

Rain Of Absolution

by: Courtney

"Mark, what do you think of these flowers?" Nina asks as she shows him a picture of a pink and yellow bouquet.

He shrugs, "Fine, I guess. I really don't know much about flowers."

"You don't have to know anything about them to know if you like the way they look," Nina says.

Mark sighs and looks at the book. "Yeah, those are nice," he says.

"If you don't want to help with this that's fine but I wish you'd just tell me once and for all," she says.

"Nina . . ." he looks up at her and sees that he's hurt her feelings. He gets up and walks over to the couch where she is sitting. He sits next to her and wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry, I really do want to help. I guess I'm just a little preoccupied worrying about Doug and Carol. I'm sorry honey."

"That's okay, I know you're worried about them," she says. She looks at him. "I just wish you'd talk to me, tell me how you feel."

"I know, I just . . . I'll try."

"You don't like to talk to me about your problems because I analyze everything, right?" she says sadly.

"No, it's not that . . ." Mark begins.

"Yes it is, I know it is. I really do try not to be a shrink all the time, Mark. I try to just be me but it's hard to separate two things that are so much a part of my life. I will try though."

"It's okay honey, I love to be psychoanalyzed by you," Mark says and kisses her forehead. They go back to the wedding books, with Mark working very hard to be interested.

"She makes him happy, doesn't she?" Susan asks Carol as they sit together at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

"Who?" Carol asks. Her mind has been in a million different places and she missed whatever it was Susan was just talking about.

"Nina, she makes Mark happy, right?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. He seems a lot happier since they got back together." She looks at Susan curiously. "Why do you ask?"

"I just want to be sure he's okay. I've felt really guilty about the way I left things between us."

"Well, he did miss you for a while but I think he eventually just realized he had to move on. That's when he started dating Nina again."

"I wanted him to move on, I really did . . ."

"Why do I feel a 'but' coming?"

Susan smirks, "I forgot how well you know me. I don't know, I guess now that I'm back I sort of expected things to be the same, like time froze in the two years I was gone and everything would be just like the day I left. But, instead I come back to find you and Doug together, Kerry Weaver practically running County, and I find . . . that Mark got over me."

"It took a long time, though," Carol says.

"I shouldn't say things like that. Mark deserves to be happy. And I don't deserve him, not anymore."

"Are you telling me you have feelings for him now?" Carol asks, only a little surprised.

"Well, no, I guess I just miss him having feelings for me maybe. Isn't that awful?"

"No, truthfully I can understand."

"The thing I hate now is how uncomfortable he is with me. We used to be best friends; we could talk about anything and everything without even blinking. Now . . . he barely says two words when I see him."

"It'll just take some time I guess," Carol tells her. "So, what about work, have you gotten that all straightened out yet?"

"Oh, yeah, my transfer to Mercy came through with no problem. I told them I wanted a few weeks to settle in though. I had unused vacation time so I just took it all right before I left. I've got another two weeks before my first shift."

"Don't you think it will be weird to work at Mercy? I mean, I just wish you were coming back to County."

"Yeah, me too in a way. I'd love to be at County because I know everyone but then again it might be better this way. I don't really think Mark would want to work with me, at least not this soon."

"He'll come around. He's just still a little embarrassed around you because of how he acted that day you left," Carol says.

"He shouldn't be, no one has ever done anything so wonderful for me. I really wish I had stayed," Susan says in a far off voice.

Carol turns quickly, "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I think I would have been much happier staying in Chicago than I ever was in Phoenix."

"There's a reason you weren't happy in Phoenix," Carol says with a grin.

"Don't start Carol, don't even start."

Doug hears the rain beat down harder on the windows and begins to stir. It takes him a second to realize he's fallen asleep in his car. He glances at the clock and his eyes fly open when he sees it's after 3pm. He wanted to be home hours ago. What was Carol going to think?

"He still hasn't been there and Sarah hasn't seen him. Where could he be?" Carol asks as she hangs up the phone. "How could he do this!" she yells.

"Don't worry, it'll work out," Susan assures her.

"Oh yeah, how? He left me when I needed him most and he hasn't even called to let me know he's alive."

Susan doesn't say anything. She's not sure what to say. She can tell Carol is getting very angry with Doug. "Maybe we should go get some lunch. I know you haven't eaten all day. We'll grab a bite to eat and he'll probably be here by the time we get back."

Carol is reluctant at first but finally agrees. They grab their coats and umbrellas and leave.

"Carol?" Doug calls as he enters the house. He shakes the rain off of his coat and goes quickly through the house in search of her. He realizes finally that she isn't there. 'Great,' he mutters to himself. He decides to go change for work then go out and see if he can find her before his shift begins.

At 5:30pm Carol and Susan arrive back at the house. "I can't believe he's still not here, no note, no nothing," Carol says as they walk through the house.

"Check the machine, maybe he called," Susan suggests.

Carol looks at the answering machine. "No messages," she says. She sinks down into the couch and puts her head in her hands.

Susan sits beside her and puts her hand on Carol's back. "It'll be alright. He'll come around. He just needed time to think."

"That's fine, I understand that. But he just left. He could have told me where he was going. Or at least called Mark and had him let me know he was okay. I don't want to be angry with him, Susan, but he's making it very hard."

Susan nods sadly. She understands why Carol is angry. She just hates seeing her friends like this. 'Where in the hell are you Doug?' she wonders.

Doug walks in to work at 6 o'clock. Mark looks up and sees him. "Ross, where in the hell have you been?" he asks.

"What? What are you talking about Mark, I'm not on till six. I figured you'd be happy I'm on time for once."

"That's not what I mean. Carol's been looking everywhere for you. She must have called here a hundred times today to see if you'd shown up and she called my house too. She's really worried about you."

They walk into the lounge together. "Did she tell you what happened?" Doug asks his friend.

"No, not really. Just that you two had a fight and she woke up and you weren't there. She didn't go into much detail."

"She wants to have a baby," Doug says.

"A baby? You mean, even after what her doctor said?" Mark asks.

"Yep. She came in last night and told me she wants to try anyway."

"Well, what did you say?"

"What could I say, Mark? I love her; I couldn't stand to lose her. I just can't take that chance, not again. I told her I thought it was a really bad idea and I didn't want us to try. I need her too much to risk that."

"But Carol feels differently," Mark says knowingly.

"Yeah, she's . . . well, you know she thinks about herself last. She wants this so much. I hate that I can't give her this but . . . look at the alternatives. What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, I hate to say it but I can see exactly where you're coming from. You don't want to take a risk with her, especially since you almost lost her a few months ago. But, on the other hand, I know it must be hard for Carol knowing she'll never have a baby of her own."

"Yeah, but we can adopt, hell, I'll buy her a baby if I have to. I'd do anything to make her happy," Doug says. He has a look on his face of total confusion.

"I know you would . . . but you know it's not the same. There's nothing like holding a baby that came from you. It's a feeling like . . . well, there's really nothing that compares to that."

"I know, and I feel terrible because she can't have that."

"You want that too," Mark says.

"Yeah, I do but . . . I can't lose her. I can't."

"It's going to be a hard road, buddy. You know if you ever need to talk . . ."

"I know, thanks."

"Well, we aren't too busy if you want to go home and see Carol for a while. I can cover for you for about an hour."

"No, I better not. She said she needed to be away from me for a while. I think I should just let her be alone," Doug says as he gets up from his chair.

"Okay, if that's what you want," Mark says. They head out of the lounge and back into the ER.

It's nearly 6am when Carol hears his key in the door. She has been up all night. She had called the ER and found out he was at work but he was in a trauma so she didn't talk to him. Then Randi said he'd come in a few hours before and that had made Carol angry. He hadn't even called her to say he was okay? Now, she gets up and heads for the door.

The door opens only a few inches. She has the chain on it. "Carol, hey," Doug says with a sheepish smile.

"Don't. Don't even talk to me," she says coldly to him through the door.

"What? What did I do?"

"What? What! Are you kidding? You stay out all night, it's been 24 hours since I've seen or heard from you, and you wonder what you did? Get the hell out of here, Doug." She slams the door in his face and leans against it. She slides down the door to the floor below as he knocks again.

"Carol?" she hears him say. "Please, let's talk about this. I'm sorry, I . . . I thought you needed time. Please don't shut me out."

She listens but she doesn't open the door back up. She just puts her head in her hands and cries and Doug finally turns sadly and goes back to his car.

"She wouldn't let you in?" Mark asks.

"Nope, she wouldn't even talk to me," Doug says sadly. Mark had worked the night shift so he was just getting home when Doug showed up at his and Nina's apartment. Nina had already left to take the girls to school when they got there.

"What are you going to do?" Mark asks as he hands Doug some coffee.

Doug takes the coffee but doesn't drink it. "That's a good question," he says. "I guess I should have gone over last night when you told me to."

"Well, she would have probably still been mad. I think you being gone all day with no one knowing where you were was what got to her."

"Yeah . . ." Doug agrees. "Man, I've really done it this time. She won't even answer the phone. What do I do?" He looks at Mark with a helpless look.

"You just have to give her time to be angry I guess. I don't know what else you can do. When she wants to talk to you she will."

"Yeah, I suppose . . ."

"Right now I think you need to get some sleep. You can crash on the couch if you want," Mark offers.

"No, the girls will be home from school before long and Nina will be here. I don't want to intrude. I think I'll just get a hotel room."

"You sure? It's not a problem," Mark says.

"No, thanks, but I don't know how long I'll be out of a place to live. I better stick with the hotel."

He gets up from the table and starts for the door. "Thanks for the coffee," he says even though he never touched his cup.

"Sure, hey, call me okay?"

"Yeah, I will. See ya," he says sadly and walks down the hall towards the elevator. Mark stands at the door and watches sadly as he goes.

"How many nights will you be staying with us, Mr. Ross?" asks the desk clerk at the hotel as Doug is registering.

"I wish I knew," he says sadly. He looks back to the clerk who is confused by this remark. "Um, I guess let's just start with two. I'll let you know if it'll be longer, okay?"

"Sure, that's fine," the woman, who's name tag says Hattie, says. She can see that Doug is upset and she gives him a warm smile. He tries to return the smile but doesn't do a very good job. "Enjoy your stay, sir. And be sure to let us know if there's anything we can get you."

"Thanks," Doug says as he takes the key card that she extends to him. He only wishes getting what he wants were really that simple.

Doug is struggling to open the door to his hotel room when he hears someone behind him say his name. "Doug?" asks the voice. He turns to see Susan Lewis.

"Oh, Susan, hey," he says.

"What are you doing here?" she asks curiously, though she fears she knows the answer.

"Carol kicked me out," he says sadly. "Well, actually, she didn't kick me out, she just wouldn't let me in." He continues trying to get the key card to work in the lock. "Damn this thing!" he says in frustration as the door remains stubbornly shut.

"Here, let me help you. It took me a few days to figure this thing out," she says as she takes the card and puts it in the door. Magically, the door opens.

"Thanks," he says. "Um, what are you doing here anyway?"

"Oh, I'm staying here. Just a few doors down as a matter of fact. Small world, huh?"

"Yeah," Doug replies. "Well, you want to come in?"

"Um, sure, for a few minutes," she replies. She walks in behind him and closes the door. "So, do you want to talk about it?" she asks.

Doug flops down on the bed. "I don't know . . . I really screwed up this time, Susan."

"She's pretty pissed, huh?"

"Yeah, I'd say," he says with a sarcastic smirk. "She wouldn't even open the door. I couldn't get her to talk to me . . . I have no idea what to do from here."

Susan sits on the edge of the bed. "She'll come around, don't worry. Doug, where were you anyway? She was really worried."

"I know, Mark said the same thing. I was just . . . I was thinking. I went driving, then I went to see my dad. Then, I was going to come home but . . ."

"But?"

"I stopped at the park to think for a while and I feel asleep. But I came home around 3:30 in the afternoon and no one was home. I went out looking for her for hours but I couldn't find her so I just went on in to work. I figured she needed to think about everything too."

"She was with me, I thought she should stop waiting by the phone for a little while because it was just getting her more upset so I took her to lunch. I'm sorry, Doug," Susan says.

"Oh, it's not your fault. No one stopped me from calling her to make sure she knew I was alright. I was a jerk; I shouldn't have just left like that. It's just, all of this . . . I don't know, I was confused."

"And now?"

"I'm still confused," Doug admits. He's still lying on the bed on his back and Susan is sitting nearby.

"I know you're scared to let her do this. But, I also know how Carol feels. If someone told me I could never have a baby . . . I'd want to fight that as long as I could. She doesn't want to give up."

"I don't either," Doug says. "I want this, too. I mean, I lost Sarah just like she did. I saw what that did to her and I know it broke her heart. And I want nothing more than to have another child with Carol, to get the chance to do all the things that we missed when we lost Sarah. I just . . . Susan I can't live without Carol. I know I can't."

"Why can't life just be easy, huh? Seems like every decision is always so hard," Susan says with a sad smile.

"Tell me about it," Doug replies.

"Well, I better let you get some rest. You look like you could use it. I'll be sure Carol knows where you're staying," she says as she gets up from the bed.

"Don't push her, I want to give her time," Doug says.

"I know, but it never hurts to point someone in the right direction," Susan grins.

Doug grins back, "Thanks Susan."

"Sure, I'll shut the door behind me," she says with a smile then turns to leave.

"Carol? It's me, Susan, pick up," she says into the phone. Carol hears the words on the machine and picks the phone up quickly.

"Susan?"

"Yeah, hey. How are you doing?" Susan asks.

"Not good," she replies. "I made him leave. He came home this morning and I wouldn't let him in. I just . . . I was so mad." She starts to cry. "Maybe I made a big mistake," she says.

"Where's Charlie?" Susan asks.

"School. She didn't want to go because she saw how upset I was but I made her. I don't want to drag her into this."

"Probably a little late for that, Charlie is very aware of what's going on. That's good though, that she went to school. Look, why don't you come over here? We can talk. What do you say? Should I come pick you up?"

"No, I can drive. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Okay, great, room 314," Susan says. They hang up and Susan smiles to herself. She glances over at the key to her room. In big, bold letters it say 310. When the occupant of room 314 answers Carol will get a surprise. She hopes it turns out for the best.

Carol knocks on the door to room 314 ands waits. It certainly is taking Susan long enough to answer. "Susan?" she calls as she knocks again.

Doug hears her voice and is instantly awake. At least, he thinks he's awake. Could this just be a dream? He gets up and walks to the door and looks out the peephole. It really is her. He pulls the door open. "Carol?" he asks in a shocked voice.

"Doug," she says with an equally surprised tone. "I . . . I thought Susan was staying here. She told me it was room 314 . . . Susan, I'm gonna kill her," Carol mumbles to herself when she realizes what has happened.

"Carol, listen . . ." Doug begins.

"No, I don't want to hear it, Doug," she turns to leave but he catches her arm.

"Please, give me two minutes. Please Carol."

She looks back at him and the look in his eyes is too much to walk away from. "Two minutes," she says.

Susan is down the hall watching through her peephole as this scene plays out. She smiles to herself as Carol walks into the room and they close the door.

"Okay, I'm listening," Carol says coldly as she stands in the middle of Doug's hotel room.

"Please, sit down," he says. She starts to protest but then decides to do as he asks and takes a seat on the bed then looks back at him expectantly. "I . . . first I want to apologize," he begins. "It was so wrong for me to leave and stay gone all day without letting you know I was okay. I'm sorry I made you worry."

Carol keeps listening but doesn't respond. "I also want to apologize for not discussing everything with you about the baby. I should have been more willing to talk about it." He sits down beside her and takes her hand. She looks down at the floor, trying not to forgive him but very close to doing so. "I'm scared, Carol. I'm scared that, if you get pregnant, I'll lose you. I just can't do that."

"Doug," she finally speaks, looking in his eyes. "I know you're scared. I am too. But I want this so much. It's worth the risk."

"I'm sorry, but nothing is worth losing you to me," he replies.

"You still don't get it," she says as she gets up from the bed. "Doug, I want to have my baby, *our* baby, that is worth everything to me. Don't you see that?"

"I know Carol, I understand . . ."

"No, I don't think you do. Sarah . . . Sarah was our little girl. She was *ours*. I carried her for eight months. She was alive, I felt her inside me. I loved that little girl more than anything in my whole entire life. She was a miracle," Carol is crying now but she continues to stand in front of Doug and when he gets up to comfort her she stops him. "No, let me finish. When I held that little girl, my baby, in my arms that day . . . I knew what being a mother meant. I knew Doug, I knew. I need that. I need to be a mother. Please, don't take that away from me, not now. Please . . ." she is crying so much she can hardly breathe and she finally allows Doug to wrap his arms around her.

He walks over to the bed and sits with her in his lap. He holds her against him and lets her cry. "I'm sorry, honey, I'm so sorry."

She finally looks up at him. "Can we at least try? See another doctor, see if we have any other options, please?"

He looks down at Carol's tearstained face and he knows he can't take this away from her. "Of course we can. We'll do whatever we can."

A few days later Doug is in the lounge of the ER on the couch. Mark walks in and sees his friend staring blankly at the ceiling, lost in thought. "Everything okay, bud?" he asks.

"I don't know . . ." he says.

"You want to talk about it?" Mark asks.

"It's just . . . we saw that specialist the other day, Dr. Stillwell."

"Yeah, what did he say?"

"Well, a lot of the same stuff as Dr. Mitchell. He still says there's a lot of risk involved in Carol having a baby and he says he wouldn't be able to make us any guarantees for her or the baby. But, he did say it was possible. As long as she stays on bed rest for the most part of the pregnancy and sees him every week, we can try."

"So, that's good news right?"

"Good? Yeah, I guess . . ." Doug says.

"You're still worried, though."

"Of course, I could still lose her," he replies.

"So, what now? Are you going to do it or not?"

"I don't know. I know she wants to. And I do too . . . I guess I'll just have to do some thinking." He turns to Mark. "Hey, would you mind if I took off for an hour or so? There's something I really think I should do."

Mark looks at him curiously but sees that he shouldn't question him. "Yeah, okay. You're okay though?"

"Yeah, thanks buddy," he says and gets up to leave.

"He's not there?" Carol asks Jerry.

"No, I saw him leave here about fifteen minutes ago," Jerry says.

"Did he say where he was going?" she asks.

"Is that Carol?" Mark asks as he comes up beside Jerry.

"Yeah," Jerry tells him.

"Let me speak to her," he says and takes the phone. "Carol?"

"Mark, where's Doug?" she asks.

"I don't really know."

"What do you mean? He didn't tell you he was leaving?"

"Yeah, he did. He was telling me what Dr. Stillwell said and he said he had a lot of thinking to do. Then he asked if I could survive without him for a while because he had something he needed to do. He didn't say where he was going," Mark says.

"That's okay," Carol replies. "I think I may know."

He walks slowly towards his destination. He hasn't been here in a few months, since before Carol got sick. He feels bad now that he's let it go so long. He kneels down and puts the bouquet of spring flowers on his daughter's grave. "Hey sweetie," he says softly. He runs his fingers over the letters of her name. "It's daddy," he says in a voice just short of a whisper. "I . . . I need to talk to you.

"I'm sorry I haven't been to see you. Mommy was sick. She's better now though. She misses you. And your sister Charlie misses you too. We all wish you were here." A tear slips down his cheek as he looks at the white marble in front of him and pictures his little girl's face. "I've, uh . . . I've been thinking about you a lot these past few days. I've been wondering why we lost you. I miss you, baby, I really do," he says as more tears fall to his cheeks.

He hears something behind him and turns to see Carol standing there. "Hey," she says softly.

He smiles at her through his tears then turns back to the headstone. "I need to ask you something, sweetie," he says to Sarah. "When your little brother or sister gets here, watch over them, okay? They'll need an angel." He says a quick prayer then gets up to walk over to Carol. She wraps her arms around him and he cries softly on her shoulder. Some of his tears are of sorrow for Sarah, some are of fear for Carol and what they have in front of them, and some are of joy for the miracle that they hope they can achieve. As they stand there in front of their daughter's grave, Carol is glad it has stopped raining.

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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