ER: Doug and Carol Series

Story #39

To Have and To Hold

by: Courtney

"Emma, sit still," Nina says to her daughter as she tries to put small sprigs of baby's breath in the girl's hair.

"Here, I can do that," her sister, Jill Summerland, says. She takes the dries flowers from her and continues weaving them around the tight braid in her niece's dark brown hair. "Nina, calm down. Are you sure everything's okay?" Jill asks as she sees that her sister is again pacing the floor.

It's Saturday morning and the Nina Pomerantz and Mark Greene are scheduled to become man and wife in less than two hours. Nina has spent the better part of the morning walking the floor of the bridal room wringing her hands together.

"Hey, Em, Rach, why don't you two go have a look around outside the church?" Jill suggests. "Just don't get dirty and don't mess up your hair. And be back here in an hour to get your dresses on, okay?"

"Okay Aunt Jill," Emma says excitedly and takes Rachel's hand to pull her along towards the door. The girls have been bugging them all day to be allowed to explore the gardens outside this old church. It's the perfect way to get rid of them for a little while so Jill can have a heart to heart with her nerve-wracked older sister.

Once the kids disappear out the door, Jill turns to Nina. "Spill it," she says.

"What?" Nina says, confused.

"Something's wrong, I know it is so don't even deny that Nina." Jill says firmly. Nina rolls her eyes. Subtly was never one of her sister's strong suits. "So, tell me," Jill says as she sits beside Nina on the small sofa.

"Am I doing the right thing, Jilly? Should I be doing this?" Nina asks, her voice shaking with uncertainty.

"You mean by marrying Mark? He seems great, why would you be worried? I thought you were in love with this guy Nin?"

"I am . . . but what if he doesn't love me?" Nina's voice shakes even more as she says these last few words.

Jill lays a hand on her sister's shoulder. "Now why would you say that? He sure seems like he's crazy about you."

"It's this other woman . . ."

"Other woman? There's someone else? You mean he's . . ." Jill is shocked and starts immediately to get angry.

"No, Jill, calm down. He's not cheating on me. He's not like Paul," she says. She can't even say her ex-husband's name without hating him for all the times he cheated on her. And as much as she hates the kind of man Paul was, Jill hates it twice that much. To be younger, she is certainly very overprotective.

"I told you about his friend Susan, right?" Nina continues. Jill nods. "Well, I didn't tell you the whole story. He used to be in love with her. He . . . he wanted to be with her. But she left him. She moved to Phoenix and Mark was devastated. It was right after she left that he and I started seeing each other. I had just broken up with that guy Rob, and I think we were both just sort of on the rebound.

"Things didn't work out. We broke up. For a while I just sort of blew it off as another relationship I had rushed into too quick that was destined to fail. But then I saw him at the hospital one day and . . . I don't know Jill. It was just like he was different. He wasn't the vulnerable, heart broken guy he was before. He had changed. It was almost like I could see in his face that he was moving on with his life. So, he asked me out and I went. After that the rest just fell into place.

"I really thought he loved me and to tell you the truth I still think he does, but . . ." Jill looks at her, urging her to go on. Nina has tears in her eyes but keeps talking. "I saw him dancing with her, with Susan, on the day the hospital staff threw her a welcome back party. It was innocent enough. They were just dancing. But somehow the look on his face when he looked down at her sent a chill down my spine. I knew then that he would never truly be rid of his feelings for her. They'd always be there somewhere, under the surface. Out of sight, maybe, but never out of mind."

Nina looks sadly down at the floor and begins to cry. "Nina," Jill says as she puts her arms around her big sister and tries to comfort her. "When you love someone that much it's hard to let that go. You're probably right, it probably never goes completely away. But, eventually you move on. Some things just aren't meant to be. Mark wasn't meant to be with Susan. He was meant to be with you. He loves you. He wants to marry you."

She sniffles and looks up at Jill. "It's not the fact that he still has feelings for her . . . that's not what really bothers me. It's . . . I'm just afraid that he might not love me the way he loved her. I don't know if I can live my life being the next best thing," she says sadly. Jill doesn't respond. She's not sure what there is to say.

"Doug," he barely hears whispered in his ear. He feels her lips brush his. "Doug?" she whispers again, this time kissing him harder. "Wake up sweetie, you've slept long enough," she says.

"Hmm?" he opens his eyes slightly and squints up. He sees Carol sitting beside him on the bed. Her hair is straight and curled under at the ends; she already has on her dress and her makeup.

"You're going to be late," she says as she kisses him gently. "Get up," she says and climbs off the bed to try pulling him up. He offers no help and she lets go to allow him to fall back onto the pillows. "Doug! Your best friend is getting married in a few hours!" she says.

"Who has a wedding that starts at 11am?" he asks with a pout.

"Mark and Nina," she reminds him.

"Ugh!" he groans and pulls the blankets over his head.

Carol pulls them back. "You know you wouldn't be so tired if you hadn't been up half the night," she smirks.

"But tell me you didn't enjoy it," he replies and pulls her down beside him to kiss her.

"No way Doug, I am not letting you make me late for another social event. Up, now!" she commands as she hops off the bed.

"Jeez, okay, okay, I surrender. I'm getting up." He trudges into the bathroom and splashes water on his face then starts brushing his teeth. Carol stands beside him at the counter. He rinses his mouth and turns to her. "You look nice," he comments.

"Thanks," she smiles. She has on a long, pale pink dress, very appropriate for a summer wedding. "You know," she says as he goes to turn on the shower and get undressed, "I was up in the attic yesterday while you were at work. I think maybe we should get some of the furniture back down for the nursery."

Doug has already stepped into the shower and looks quickly back out the curtain. "Isn't it a little soon for that? You aren't pregnant yet," he reminds her.

"I know . . . I just want to be optimistic," she says with a smile.

He ducks back into the shower to rub shampoo into his hair. "Well, I'm all for optimism," he says from under the rush of water, "but I don't want you to get your hopes too high yet. You know all the statistics. I just don't want you to be hurt again."

Carol smiles slightly, he's always looking out for her. "I know," she says. Steam starts to fill the bathroom and Carol says, "I'm getting out of here before my hair curls back up. Lord knows I spent an hour straightening it out this morning."

Doug laughs. "Okay, I'll be out in a minute."

Carol leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind her, and goes to the vanity to check her appearance. Her hair is still behaving so she doesn't have to do anything to it. She touches up her lipstick, which smeared when she was kissing Doug to wake him up. Then she gets up to check and see if Charlie is almost ready.

She knocks softly on Charlie's door. "Charlie? You almost ready?" she calls in.

"Yeah, come on in," she hears the girl say. Carol opens the door to find Charlie sitting in front of the mirror putting the finishing touches on her makeup.

"Doug awake?" Charlie asks.

"Yeah, finally," Carol grins and sits down on the edge of the bed. "That man is the biggest kid on the planet," she says with a chuckle.

"Yeah, but that's part of the charm, right?" Charlie smirks.

"I suppose," Carol rolls her eyes and laughs.

"You know, once there's a baby in this house you'll really have your hands full," Charlie comments.

Carol smiles genuinely at this. "I've been meaning to ask you, what do you think about all that?"

"About you two trying to have a baby? I think it's great. I think if this is what you both want and it makes you happy I'm all for it." She turns to look at Carol now and says, "But I have to admit, I'm a little scared by all that stuff the doctors told you. I know how Doug feels, it's hard not to worry."

"I know, I'm worried too," Carol admits. "But I just know we're doing the right thing. It'll work out for the best."

"I'm sure it will," Charlie smiles back and turns to finish putting on her mascara.

"Well, I better go hurry him up so we won't be late. Will you be ready soon?"

"Yeah, give me about five minutes," Charlie says.

"Okay, that's fine," Carol says. She pats Charlie's shoulder and smiles at her in the mirror, then turns to leave and head back across the hallway.

Carol enters to find Doug sitting on the bed putting socks on. He has his pants on already and his shirt is on but not buttoned. His suspenders hang loosely at his side. His hair is wet and has been brushed back. "Almost ready?" Carol asks as she enters.

"Yeah, just about," he replies as he slips on his left sock and stands up to looks for his shoes.

"Here," Carol says, stopping him to button up his shirt. He stands still and lets her work her way up the shirt then she lets him tuck in his shirttail before she grabs his tie to tie it for him. "You look very handsome," she smiles as she looks him over.

"Thanks," he says as he bends down to kiss her sweetly.

"Almost makes me want to be the one getting married," she comments.

"Well . . ." Doug says with a grin.

"I said almost," Carol says. "I think we have enough things to worry about without throwing that into the mix," she tells him.

He nods, "Yeah, I have to agree with you there."

"Okay, find your shoes, Ross. We need to get a move on."

"Yes ma'am," he smirks and goes off to the closet to find his shoes.

It's 9:45am when Doug knocks on the door of Mark's apartment. He spent last night here so he and Nina wouldn't wake up together and see each other on their wedding day. "Come on, Mark, open up," Doug says as he stands in the hall and waits. He's still in his tux and his hair is fixed now. He really does look very handsome.

The door opens and Mark smiles at his friend. "Sorry, I was looking for my shoes," he explains.

Doug laughs, "You too huh? Carol had to direct me to mine this morning." Mark laughs at this.

"So, you nervous?" Doug asks.

"Nervous? No. Absolutely terrified? Yeah, maybe just a little," Mark says.

Doug slaps him on the back. "You'll do just fine. You've already done this once, remember? Shouldn't you be an old pro by now?"

"Not funny, Ross," Mark smirks.

"Well, you know, you have to see the humor . . ." Doug kids. He looks at Mark, who seems to be a lot more nervous than Doug had expected. "Hey bud, are you sure you're okay? You look a little . . . well, pardon the pun but you look a little green."

Mark smiles at this. Then he frowns again and sits down on the sofa. "I don't know, maybe it's just nerves. I just have this feeling that something isn't quite right today, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"You're just getting wedding day jitters, it'll be fine," Doug assures him. "Come on, let's get you to the church so you can get this over with. After today you and Nina will have the rest of your lives together. All you have to do is make it through the ceremony."

Mark nods and gets up to leave. Doug watches after him, hoping that it'll be as easy for Mark to get through this as he just made it sound.

At 10:30am Carol is sitting in the church with Charlie, watching as the guests start to arrive. A few of other staff members are there already a few more are supposed to attend. Susan Lewis is the next person to walk in the door. Carol waves her over.

"Hey, you look great, both of you," Susan says as she sits down beside Carol and Charlie.

"Thanks, you too," Carol says. "I love that dress."

"Thanks, I realized the other day I had nothing to wear to this so last night I was at the mall until closing trying frantically to find a dress."

"Well, you made an excellent choice," Charlie smiles.

"Why thank you," Susan smiles back. "So, any sign of Mark? Is he nervous?" she looks back to Carol.

"I haven't seen him but Doug came out here a few minutes ago and said Mark seemed really on edge. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about though. As soon as he gets up there and sees Nina it'll all fall into place."

Susan smiles, a hint of sadness hiding behind the smile. "Yeah, he deserves to have things work out for him," she says.

Carol touches Susan's hand gently and Susan looks at her. Carol just gives her a reassuring look and Susan nods without saying a word.

"Okay, t minus 10 minutes and counting," Doug announces as he walks back into the room where he and Mark are waiting for the ceremony to start.

Mark sighs deeply and goes to look out the window into the churchyard. He wonders what Nina's thinking right now. He wonders if she is as nervous as he is at this moment. The feeling of foreboding that he woke up to has not gone away. If anything it has intensified as the morning wore on.

A knock at the door breaks Mark's thoughts. "Who could that be?" Doug asks. Mark shrugs. Doug shrugs too and walks over to open the door. He's shocked to see Nina standing before him in her wedding gown.

"I need to talk to Mark," she says quietly.

"You know, it's bad luck . . ." Doug begins. The look on Nina's face tells him superstition is the least of her worries. "I'll wait outside," Doug replies and steps back to allow her to enter then leaves, closing the door behind him.

"Hey," Nina says softly to Mark once they are alone.

"Hey," he responds, looking her over to try and figure out what this is about. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"We need to talk," she says.

"About . . .?"

"About us. Before we do this, there are a few things I need to know."

"Like what?"

"Like . . . Mark, do you love me?"

Mark looks stunned by this question for a moment. Then he walks quickly over to where Nina is standing and cups her face with his hands. His thumbs massage her jaw line as he says in a whisper, "You know I do."

She nods and looks into his eyes as he stares intensely back at her. The vulnerability in his eyes, the need she sees there, take her breath away. She's always known there was a space within him that needed to be filled. Jennifer never filled that space; she was always too bound by her own dreams to be happy with just making Mark happy. They had wanted different things and their break up had been both of their faults. And Susan . . . well, Susan filled that space perfectly except that she didn't really want to fill it. She needed to find herself before she gave her heart to someone else. Nina had really been a perfect medium. She and Mark had the same dreams, the same mind sets, so they wanted the same things out of life. And she knew who she was; there was no question in her mind about that. She wasn't searching for her identity. It was already there.

The only thing Nina has ever wanted for was a person to fill the missing place in her heart. She wants not a companion, or a lover, but a partner. She needs someone who can pledge himself to her forever and someone she will never have to doubt. For a long time, she has believed Mark was that man. She knows he would be faithful. And if he stands up there today and says he loves her and wants to be with her forever, he will. She doesn't have to fear that Mark will leave her or stray to someone else. As she looks into his eyes, only one thing worries her, only one nagging question persists.

"Do you love me the way you loved Susan? Do you love me forever, no matter what? When you picture every wonderful moment that you want to share with someone in this life and any other, who is standing by your side? Is it me? Or is it her?"

Nina waits as Mark takes in her questions. He looks into her eyes for a moment longer, and then he releases her face and walks back to the window to stare out. "Loving you isn't enough? Why can't it be enough that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, that I love you? Why do you have to drag all this up?" he asks. "I mean, I know it bothers you that I had feelings for Susan once. I can't take that back now, Nina." He turns around to look at her. "I won't apologize for having loved her."

"And I wouldn't want you to," Nina assures him. "If you are the man I love, you would never do that. I just need to know, if we get married today, are you ever going to love me that way? When you're eighty years old and you think back on the love of your life, who will she be?"

Mark looks back outside. What should he say? He searches frantically for an answer but doesn't find one in the view of the churchyard. He turns back around. He knows the only place to find the answer is within himself. He opens his mouth to speak.

"The truth," Nina says. "I deserve that."

Mark nods and takes a deep breath. "I love you. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't. You make me happy and the thought of building a life with you makes me anxious to get on with our future. In my head, you are the only woman I see. But, I can't lie to you. If you want to know who the one great love of my life has been, I'd have to say . . . it was Susan." Tears roll down Nina's cheeks but Mark has to keep going if he is ever going to make himself confess all of this. "There's something . . . I don't know what . . . but something draws me to her."

Nina watches him as he paces in front of her. "But, Nina, you are the one who has been there for me. You are the one I love. You are who I want to grow old with. I do love you. I want to marry you."

Nina nods as more tears spill onto her cheeks. "I love you, too, Mark. I . . . you make me happy. You make me complete."

Mark looks at her, somehow knowing what is coming next.

"I can't marry you, Mark," she says softly. "I don't want to leave things like this . . . but I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if . . . if you settled for me. I really am sorry," she says as her sobs overtake her. She turns and runs from the room before he can respond. Doug sees her dash past and goes in to see what happened. Mark is standing there looking at the spot where she just was in stunned silence.

"Mark? What happened?" Doug asks as he slowly walks in.

"I . . . she left. It's over." He shakes his head in disbelief and looks at Doug. "She's never coming back."

"Mark . . . I'm sorry," Doug says sadly.

Mark nods, but says nothing. He still can't believe all of this is happening.

Doug walks slowly into the now crowded church. Everyone has arrived and it is almost 11:30. Doug has spent the last twenty minutes getting most of the story from Mark and now he has to come out here and tell all of these people that there will be no wedding today for Mark and Nina . . . there never will be.

"Um, can I have everyone's attention?" Doug says over the crowd. They stop their conversations and look towards him. "I'd like to thank everyone for coming. I'm sure Mark and Nina both appreciate it. Uh, I have some rather bad news. It seems there won't be a wedding today. I . . . I'm sorry." He walks away and out of the church as everyone starts chattering away about this announcement. Carol, Susan, and Charlie get up to follow Doug and find out what's going on.

"Doug!" Carol calls to him as they walk down the hallway behind him. He turns to see them all approaching and stops to let them catch up. "What happened?" Carol asks softly.

Doug shakes his head. "Nina just came in right before we were going to head into the church and said she had to talk to Mark. I waited about ten minutes and then Nina came running out in tears and Mark said she had called it all off. I didn't get all the details but he was pretty shaken up."

"Where is he now?" Susan asks.

"He left. He said he needed to be alone. I told him Rachel could stay with us tonight." He looks to Carol. "I hope that's okay?"

"Yeah, sure. That's fine," Carol assures him.

Doug nods. "Jenn and Craig are supposed to come pick her up in the morning."

"Any ideas about where Mark went?" Carol asks.

"Not a clue," Doug says sadly.

Susan looks at the two of them. "I have to go guys."

"Where to?" Carol asks curiously.

"To see a friend," she says then turns to leave.

Carol looks after her, then back to Doug. "Do you think she . . ."

"I'd bet my life on it," he replies and pulls Carol into his arms.

Mark sits quietly by the water's edge. He's still wearing his tux with the tie undone and hanging loose around his neck. He picks up a stone and skims it across the water, watching the ripples it leaves behind.

"How are you holding up?" he hears someone ask behind him.

He turns in surprise to the familiar voice. It's Susan. "How'd you know where to find me?" he asks.

"I'm not sure, really, I just knew," she says. She walks over to where he's sitting. "Mind if I join you?"

"Sure, be my guest," he says in a miserable tone.

She sits down beside him and lays a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I'm really sorry, Mark," she says.

"Yeah, well, I deserved it," he replies.

"No, you didn't. You deserve to be happy," she says.

"Apparently someone disagrees with you on that one. It seems like every time I get close to being happy someone pulls the rug out from under me."

Susan sighs and her gaze wanders to the water in front of them. "It's beautiful here, peaceful," she comments.

"Jenn brought me here when she told me she wanted a divorce," he says. She looks at him in silence. "I guess this just felt like the right place to be today."

"Do you need anything? Would you like to go somewhere and talk? I'll be glad to listen," she says.

"I'm sorry Susan, but if you don't mind I think I'd really like to be alone. Is that okay?" he asks. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he knows he has some things he can only sort out with himself.

"I understand," Susan assures him with a smile. She gets to her feet. "If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call me. Or come by . . . whichever."

"Thanks," he says sincerely. She gives him a reassuring smile and turns to leave. When she is halfway back to the road, she looks back. Mark is looking back out at the lake. Susan can almost feel his heart breaking and that hurts her more than anything else could. She brushes away a tear and turns away to continue to her car.

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Created by Courtney Stovall © 1998

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