Wonderful Life

	Rolling violins. Hugh is standing at a bridge in the snow, red-eyed,
	hopeless waves of despair rolling and breaking over him. He is unshaven 
	and a trail of blood comes from his lip. He stares into the swirling 
	waters below, shaking his head. He has an Australian accent.


Hugh		It's over. It's all over. Just end it. The whole bloody thing's
		gone, finished, over with. Face it, the world would be a better
		place without you. I should never have been born. Oh, Jesus.

	He bites his knuckle in despair. Stephen approaches him in the 
	background. Hugh climbs over the bridge.

Stephen		Don't do it, son. Oh my.

	Splosh! Hugh has jumped in. Stephen sighs and jumps in after him.
	   Cut to: Cabin. John, as a hugely double-taking old man is staring 
	and gulping and starting in the background.

Hugh		Who? What? I ... what the? I ... who? But ... I never ... oh
		God ... what the ... how many?

Stephen		There now, there now. Take it easy.

Hugh		But I ... I should be dead. How the hell did I ... ? Who are
		you?

Stephen		Me? Clarence Cosy, angel, second class. And your name is
		Rupert.

Hugh		How did you know that?

	John's goggling takes and double-takes propel him backwards. He looks 
	at his tea-pot and shakes his head.

Stephen		I've granted your wish. You've never been born.

Hugh		Oh Jesus. That's all I need. Hey!

	He rubs his chin and is amazed to discover that he is no longer 
	unshaven and he no longer has a cut coming from his lip.

		Well shag me twice.

Stephen		What's that?

Hugh		Water must have healed my cut.

Stephen		What cut? There's never been any cut. You were never born.

Hugh		Look, angel, do us a favour, will you? Fly away, for
		Chrissakes.

Stephen		Can't. Haven't got my wings yet.

John		(goggling) Doh!

Hugh		I'm getting out of here.

	Hugh runs out into the street. Hugh looks with amazement at an empty 
	parking space.

		Oh great. That's all I need. Now some cockwit has stolen my
		sodding car.

Stephen		(coming up behind) But you haven't got a car. You were never
		born, Rupert.

Hugh		Look, I don't know who you are, and I don't know under what law
		you have been released into the community, but just frig off
		will you?

Stephen		Angels don't frig, Rupert. We don't have the training.

Hugh		Look. Get this, tiny Tim. I own the largest conglomeration of
		newspaper and satellite television companies in the world, and
		right now I have better things to do than stand here talking to
		a chocolate cake like you.

Stephen		Oh dear. Don't you understand? I am your guardian angel. I'm
		going to show you what this town would have been like if you
		hadn't been born. That way I'll show you that your life is 
		worth living after all. The countless differences you've made
		to people's lives, the joy you've spread, the difference you've
		made.

Hugh		I'm going home. Where's a bloody mini-cab?

	A black London taxi cab pulls up and John, the cheery driver, pulls 
	down the window.

John		Where to, guv?

Hugh		Wapping High Street ... wait a minute ...

Stephen		See? What a difference you made?

	Inside the cab.

		If you'd never been born, there would still be black cabs like
		this, with drivers who actually know where they're going. But
		you came along and told everyone that black cabs were a wicked
		monopoly, and that everyone had better use mini cabs belonging
		to the company that you own. Knackered old Datsuns with no
		brakes and drivers who've just escaped from Pentonville.

Hugh		I did that?

Stephen		Exactly. You see? You made a difference.

	The cab pulls up and Stephen and Hugh get out. Stephen pays off the 
	driver, who departs with a cheery wave. Hugh looks round the street.

Hugh		Wait an arsing second here. Where the hell are all the
		satellite dishes?

Stephen		There aren't any.

Hugh		What the ... ?

Stephen		You haven't been born, I keep telling you. People don't have
		satellite television, they don't have the chance to watch World 
		Wrestling and Wheel of Fortune and Video Bloopers twenty-four
		hours a day. They're still forced to sit and watch BBC and ITV,
		with all those drama and sport and news programmes. You did
		away with all that.

Hugh		I did?

Stephen		Swept it away. You pretended it was to give people more choice,
		but it was actually just to make you fabulously rich.

Hugh		Wow.

Stephen		Come on.

	Inside a pub. Black and white patrons, standing shoulder to shoulder.

Hugh		Steady on. Not my kind of place.

Stephen		What do you mean?

Hugh		Black people.

Stephen		Don't you like black people?

Hugh		Well, I mean, I don't think they're gonna like me much ...

Stephen		No, no, no. I keep telling you. Because you've never been born,
		the Sun newspaper has never been able to tell anyone to hate
		their neighbour because they're black, or gay, or left-wing.
		Without you, people might have grown up liking each other. And
		liking this country. They might even like you.

	Hugh is leafing through a tabloid paper, while Stephen orders a couple 
	of drinks.

Hugh		Jesus mothering arse! Where the hell are the tits?

Stephen		They're on the front of women's chests. I think the editor
		probably thought it wasn't much of a news story.

Hugh		Yeah, but you've got to have tits to sell a paper ...

	The barman brings the drinks.

Stephen		Well apparently not. Apparently, without the Sun debasing
		people's view of the world with every sentence it produces,
		people turn out to be interested in all sorts of other things.
		Strange, isn't it?

	The drinks arrive and Hugh pushes aside Stephen's offer to pay.

Hugh		I'll get these.

	He brings out some coins and stops.

		Bloody hell. Who's this?

	He holds up a coin showing the Queen's head.

Stephen		It's the Queen. They still have one, you see.

	People start singing a carol in the background.

Hugh		Christ, get me the cock out of here.

	Stephen and Hugh walk through the street back towards the bridge.

		(looking over the bridge) It's brilliant. Totally bloody
		brilliant. Big red buses, free hospitals, an amusing royal
		family, proper taxis, decent newspapers, best television in the
		world. People getting on with each other ...

Stephen		You like it? You really like it?

Hugh		It's fantastic. It's paradise. Help me Clarence, please, I want
		to live again. Jeez.

Stephen		Well, Rupert, this is marvellous news I must say.

Hugh		Just think of the money I could make in a world like this. I
		could introduce big tits, I could break up the broadcasting
		monopolies, I could destroy The Times, the BBC, the Royal
		Family, I could make a bloody fortu-

	Stephen pushes him over the side and watches him fall.

Stephen		Twat.

Hugh		My wife was pulled down the other day and rebuilt just north of
		Leicester. Damn shame.