d-UH? (The dis-Order of Urban Hermits?)
Founded by Greybeard the Pensive :), KSC, d-UH?, MM
 |
HOME |  |
GREYBEARD |  |
L'FCK |
What is Discordianism? ... and is it for me?
|
Discordianism (sometimes referred to as the Eristic Movement) is a religion founded in the late 1950s in a bowling alley coffee shop in Southern California by a couple of wastrels who had a vision while high on mu-chao tea. (Trust me, this is relatively sane compared to the founding of some religions.)
|
Our Lady of the Thumbed Nose |
Southern California is considered by many to be the New Holy Land as it bursts at the seams with so many religions. It is home to such other great world religions as: Mybankaccountism, The Holy Church of Celebrity Worship and The Temple of Automasturbation (the basic tenet of which is, "My car is costlier, classier and hipper than your car so I get to cut in front of you and I get all sorts of other special driving privileges such as backing through red lights, making right hand turns across three lanes of traffic from the left-hand lane, and parking on the sidewalk if there's no room in the parking lot or if I'm only going to be just a minute, nyah, nyah nyah!") amongst others too numerous to mention here.
-
The basic premise of Discordianism is that the ancient Greek Goddess
Eris Discordia (Eris is her Greek name and Discordia is
Her Roman name) is actually the Supreme Ruler of our lives here on Earth.
Zeus, Hera and the rest are powerful and have superior publicity agents
but they are not as directly important in our everyday lives as is Eris.
The others step in and out of our lives occasionally but Eris is always
there to trip you while you're carrying that birthday cake with all
the lit candles into the dining room, to place an iceberg in the path
of the Titanic (She finds great joy in deflating pompous attitudes.)
or to hide the pen on your desk every time they announce the winning
lottery numbers and if, by prostrating yourself before Her shrine and
ceaselessly begging for fifteen minutes, She will let you find the pen,
She will then hide any paper on which to write the numbers and will
laugh hysterically at your frustration.
- Who
is this Eris? Eris is the Goddess of Confusion, Chaos, Strife
and Discord. She is the twin sister to Ares, daughter of Hera and conceived
when Hera touched a plant. The identification of this plant has never
been clarified but the same one has, apparently, been touched quite
frequently by young women throughout the ages and it seems no more frequently
than of late.
- Yeah? So? She is most noted for being the Goddess who was snubbed at the wedding of Peleus and Thetis. All the Immortals of Mount Olympus had been invited to the wedding except Her, with the faulty logic that this would avoid any conflict. This snub (referred to as the Original Snub) ticked Eris off and so She decided to wreak a little havoc at the reception (a duty now fulfilled by somebody's drunken uncle) by rolling a solid gold apple into the reception hall, the apple being inscribed with the words, "To the fairest." The apple stopped rolling at the feet of Hera, Athena and Aphrodite who had gathered together to make catty remarks about the bride. Since each felt that they were deserving of the bauble, an argument ensued which soon turned into a screaming knock-down face-clawing hair-pulling match. (It has since been a favorite Discordian ritual to recreate this Sacred Event with three female members of the flock (or even complete strangers) in a vat of Jello ™, melted chocolate or whipped cream.) It was decided that a disinterested shepherd should decide the recipient of the apple and a poor sap named Paris was chosen. The bribe, decision and the subsequent payoff led to the Trojan war — topless towers of Ilium and all that stuff. Not bad work for a simple roll of an apple.
- Cool,
but for this I need a Goddess? Being in charge of Chaos is
not something to be denigrated. Zeus himself had to rely on Eris to
reverse the Sun in the sky so as to set in the East when He wanted to
fulfill a condition which allowed Atreus to assume the throne of Mycenae.
(Surely you've heard of the House of Atreus in this Age of Incomplete
Educations? The House of Atreus has a string of men's clothing stores
across the United States and they specialize in shoddily made suits
sewn together by virtual slaves in the mysterious Orient being paid
at three cents a day.) As modern science is finding out, Chaos is the
foundation of the Universe and Eris is in charge of it. So when things
go wrong, as a card-carrying Discordian, you will have an "in" with
the Goddess who controls "all that like chaos kind of stuff"
(a technical term — write it down for future reference). As one
of Her loyal mendicants, you get special treatment, if She's in a rare
mood, as well as a special decoder ring that helps you translate the
secret instructions She whispers in your ear at night while you're asleep.
(Well — She whispers in mine.) Once you're an official Pope,
the ring will arrive in the mail within three weeks. If it doesn't arrive,
write to the Postmaster General of the United States Postal System and
complain. Make sure you tell the Postmaster General that you are a Pope
so that your problem gets immediate and favored attention.
- Sounds
Great! How do I sign up to be cannon-fodder for Eris's Golden Apple
Corps and make sure I get put in the front lines in the Holy War against
the demon Greyface? Hey! Wait a second! Who is this demon Greyface and
does he have antipersonnel weaponry? Ah, you're too sharp
for us. Greyface is the head demon who thinks that the basis of the
Universe is Order rather than, as we know through experience, Chaos.
He thinks that if you make boxes for everything and put everything in
its little box, then the world will run like a Swiss clock and that
the buses will keep to a predetermined schedule. In fact, he insists
on it and forces the deluded masses of the world into thinking such
nonsense by using all the standard threats. His minions swear that without
Order there will be mass unemployment, relentless Regis Philbin for
President campaigns, food shortages, boo-boos on your fingers and mass
chaos. With Order you get the same thing but Greyface makes a profit
off of it. Since we, as Discordians, know that Chaos is the natural
dis-Order of things, we are not fooled by Greyface' s threats. The front
line in the Holy War against Greyface is wherever you are on a daily
basis. Once you have seen the light and refuse to be sucker-punched
by the lies of Greyface you will see countless examples of the populace
being led astray in the belief that a constant Sisyphean struggle to
bring unnatural Order to the world rather than succumbing to the bliss
of Confusion will somehow make their lives better, bring an end to the
squabbling and violence in the Middle-East, make the USofAian flag fly
truer and straighter and put deep-dish apple pie on everyone's kitchen
table, with or without the crumbly stuff on top.
- Okay! You've convinced me! How do I sign up? It's easy. Buy a copy of the Erisian Bible or convince someone to give you a copy. (Good luck in the latter endeavor as Discordians are notably a bunch of cheap ass bastards. Oh, they're great with the proselytizing and the bad jokes and writing letters to annoy any number of Greyface sponsored organizations but just try and call on one of them to part with a few grand ready cash and it's, "This is a recording. This is a rec this is a rec this is a rec," for five hours.) There are two extant versions of the Principia. They are identical except that one has a revealing in-depth introduction by one of the founders of the religion (the late, the great — Kerry W. Thornley) and that is the one I will reference here. Principia Discordia by Malaclypse The Younger with an introduction by Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, IllumiNet Press (a fine organization), Lilburn, GA, 1991, ISBN: 0-9626534-2-X, $9.95. The other version has an afterward by author/cofounder Greg Hill and an introduction by Robert Anton Wilson of Illuminati Conspiracy Theory fame. It is Principia Discordia by The Magnum Opiate of Malaclypse the Younger, Loompanics Unlimited (a fine organization), Port Townsend, WA, 1979?, $?. (No! I do not get a percentage!) Once you have one or both copies in your grubby little mitts, read it/them or not and then place it/them under your pillow and sleep on it/them for five nights. (Those who wish to attain higher levels of spirituality may put a stocking cap on their heads and then slip a copy of each book under the hat and over each ear and wear this all day and night for fifteen days.) Then, with the osmosis process being complete, you can put it/them on a shelf where it/they collect dust very nicely until you need to refer to some inconsequential point in a tedious and asinine argument with another Discordian during which one or both parties are bound to get excommunicated because all members of the flock are Popes. (It's a very democratic religion.) (Keep the book(s) handy as this time-draining occupation occurs frequently, mainly because acolytes have not yet learned how to abandon the error of their Greyface inspired ways and believe that there are rules to Discordianism. This occurrence is aided by the fact that the Principia Discordia, being the good Bible that it is, is packed to the gills (no reference to Christian symbolism) with inconsistencies and contradictions and so arguments are guaranteed to be initiated over what the Goddess really wants —Mother Chaos — get it?) That's it. Follow the instructions in the book(s) and get another Discordian to declare you a Pope or just do it yourself, we don't really care. We've got problems of our own, damn it. Who to know better when you've attained enlightenment than your self and that person who lives in your mirror and lies to you every morning about how your tits are getting bigger and firmer, your biceps are defining, your ass isn't too big, your belly is thinning down and that receding hairline gives you a distinguished je ne sais quoi look? And then rush right out to annoy the masses with your newfound enlightenment and get the shit kicked out of you by a Greyface goon.
|
|
KALLISTI "To the Fairest" |
That's it. Welcome to the club. Set up a Cabal with secret handshakes or sexual positions or whatever you want. You're a Pope. You're the complete and total master of your destiny — unless Eris has some wicked plan for your butt that will have those Mt. Olympian bastards rolling around on their divans laughing their asses off for a millennium.
As your religious advisor you have my permission to convert your bank accounts, stocks and bonds to small, nonsequential unmarked bills, drop them into a large plain envelope (or box, if need be and thank you all the more!) and send it to me at:
Department of Accounts
Bank of Zurich
Zurich, SWITZERLANDInside, with the moolah, place a slip of paper on which is written:
For Deposit Only
Acct #09877-67409-09239-77403-08849
I'll be sure to send you a postcard of thanks and a receipt for your tax accountant written with a crayon on a napkin from a fast-food restaurant. With luck, it'll probably arrive the same day as your decoder ring and you can get started right away on the road to religious ecstasy!
Painting of Golden Apple: ©Greybeard the Pensive :), KSC, d-UH?, MM
This page was created on the 3rd of Bureaucracy, 3167. It was last revamped — 6th of Discord, 3168.
(Infidel translation: This page was created August 10, 2001. It was last revamped — March 20, 2002.)