|
HOME
|
EPISODE II
(Interior, "The Davord And Dismembered Townie", Broccoli the Evil One is still on the floor, yadda yadda yadda.)
FLUFFY: Preg-pregnant? How, what? Zwerchicoogle? AIEEEEEEEEE! Fwoingle-fwoingle-goo!
(Fluffy slumps onto a barstool, sits still with a vacant look on his face. Starts to dribble.)
PEPPERMINT PATTY: I do not believe that any of us were expecting that kind of reaction...
(In bursts Uneducated Shampoo, brandishing a small pulsating red glowy thing.)
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Ha ha ha! Evil laughter! Et cetera! I feel an explanation is in order here, darlings. You see, my new, snigger, night club is a little more sinister than your average boit de nuit. It is in fact, as you may have guessed, the most crucial componant in my plan to destroy the world!
PEPPERMINT PATTY: What? That makes no sense! And what'd you do to Fluffy?
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Oh, him. You see, when I bumped into him earlier today I got the impression that he suspected my plans, so now I've used my ultra-zapper-glowy-rock-thing to melt his pathetic human brain! Ha!
BROCCOLI: You... you bastard! How could y- hang on, "pathetic human brain"?
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Oh, did I forget to mention?
(Uneducated Shampoo unzips his human costume to reveal a strange broom-like creature. Like that thing in Family Guy the other night.)
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: I am in fact an alien broom-style thing. Oh, and Broc - careful getting up, hun, that's not a human child you're carrying. It is, in fact, an alien broom-style thing embryo!
(Cuts to inside Toadettes. Le Enfant Terrible and Jezza are discussing matters of a certain nature over some coffee and considerably more chocolate fudge cake. A 17 year old bloke stumbles in. He looks like he's just been beaten rather severely up, although despite this he's still obviously dashingly handsome, brilliantly talanted at anything he turns his hand to, and quite possibly the greatest human being to grace this earth. He stands in the doorway for a few seconds before keeling over.)
TOADETTE: I'm not having all sorts just fallin' over in here.
LE ENFANT: Who is that, anyway? He's dashingly handsome.
JEZZA: Isn't he that Irish bloke that moved in a couple months ago? Whats-his-name... Galder Weatherwax's Hat. They say he's brilliantly talanted at anything he turns his hand to, and quite possibly the greatest human being to grace this earth.
TOADETTE: I'm not having all sorts just fallin' over in here.
LE ENFANT: Doesn't much look like any headwear I've ever seen. Dashingly handsome, though.
JEZZA: I think that that's just a name. You're right about the dashingly handsome thing, though.
TOADETTE: I'm not having all sorts just fallin' over in here.
JEZZA: Toadette's right. Let's get him in the back room and see if we can't bring him to.
LE ENFANT: Bring him to where? The zoo?
JEZZA: Just help me pick him up.
(Jezza and Le Enfant pick up Galder Weatherwax's Hat by his arms and legs and take him into the fabled back room.)
LE ENFANT: This isn't the way to the zoo...
(Cuts back to "The Davord And Dismembered Townie". Uneducated Shampoo has tied up Broccoli and Patty.)
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by that previous scene, both you and Patty have major roles to play in my little plot to colonise the world with alien broom-style things.
BROCCOLI: Didn't you say your plan was to destroy the world?
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Shaddup!
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Short attention span. Happens to people without an education.
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Shaddup! You obviously don't realise how expendable you two are!
(Waves ultra-zapper-glowy-rock-thing)
BROCCOLI: Didn't you just say we have major roles to play in your lit-
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: JUST SHUT UP, WILL YOU? SHUT UP! UP WITH THE SHUTTING, PLEASE!!!!
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Wow. Four exclamation marks. He's pissed. Let's humour him and see what happens.
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO (Calming down): Th-thank you. Ahem. Yes, both of you are quite important... but only for tonight. Broccoli, you are a test subject to make sure the arse-huggers are in full working order. We will know tonight if you are impregnated or not.
BROCCOLI: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't quite confused.
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Remember the other day when you were helping me unpack stuff for the club? You may have felt a little, ahem, prick down south when you bent to pick up the box of cocktail glasses.
BROCCOLI: That was an arse-hugger? Then I'm sorry for that kick in the nads.
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Quite, Ms. The Evil One. And as for you, Peppermint Patty, you'll come into play tonight at the club's grand opening. Ooo, speaking of which, I've gotta see a man about a hundred and fifty-seven time-activated auto-release arse-hugger cages, so I'll see you two tonight. Ciao.
(Exit Uneducated Shampoo. Enter Uneducated Shampoo.)
UNEDUCATED SHAMPOO: Forgot my human costume.
(Exit Uneducated Shampoo.)
(Cuts to Toadette's back room. Galder Weatherwax's Hat has been propped up in a chair. There's a table on each side of him. One is covered in empty glasses, the other in ones full of water. Periodically Jezza or Le Enfant Terrible pick up one of the full ones, chuck the contents into Galder Weatherwax's Hat's face, and put it down onto the other table.)
JEZZA: I think he's coming to.
LE ENFANT: Really? We'd best pack some extra sandwiches.
JEZZA: That gag is really wearing thin. Really.
GALDER WEATHERWAX'S HAT: Wha, ha, AGGGHHHH! NO! Project... escaped... fabled... 9.0... WHAT? AGGGHHHH! I told 'em... Millenium Hand and Shrimp... I told 'em... not to play God... No, no... Socialist... IT'S GOT... it's got Socialist Guerrilla!
JEZZA: Wow. Heavy.
TOADETTE: I'm not having all sorts just fallin' over in here.
(Cuts back to "The Davord And Dismembered Townie". Broccoli and Patty are still tied up.)
PEPERMINT PATTY: Well, we appear to be royally screwed.
BROCOLI: Not quite.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: How d'you mean?
BROCCOLI: Well, it just so happens that Fluffy told me that he had formulated a fool-proof, yet horribly risky plan to save the world if an event such as this ever occured.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Ah... but his brain has been melted.
BROCCOLI: Yes, but on our first date Fluffy told me that he suffers from a rare skin disease which means that should his brain ever get melted it can be restored to it's former glory using ordinary, everyday objects found around a pub. It's one of the reasons we invested in this place.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Interesting... but we're still both tied up.
BROCCOLI: Indeed, but Uneducated Shampoo will be back tonight to untie us to make sure he can proceed with his demented little scheme... that's our chance...
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Until tonight, then...
To be continued...
... right now
Similarly produced by Galder Weatherwax's Hat
(Interior of a police station. Parsley Possum and Karma Policewoman are here.) POSSUM: ... And this is your desk. As you can see, I've gone all out. You've got pens, paper, hole punchy dealies, little sticky post-it notes, and this here personal cumputational thing. Don't understand it myself, but it cost a bomb so it's gotta be useful. KARMA: Yah, great, fine. Look, like I said, I'm not actually a policewoman. Or a 'Ziner anymore, for that matter. POSSUM: Listen, there's an election coming up and some of the older 'Ziners have been at me for ages to put together some sort of police force. And since oldies are the only people who bother voting anymore, you're it. KARMA: But I've got absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do! My policing experience extends as far as that time I was arrested in connection to the... 'incident' involving the cheese and armadillos. POSSUM: Hmmmm, what? Anyway, I've got to show the Man With The Golden Bun around the new hospital and give the Despotic Banana the keys to our new primary school, so I'll leave you to it. (Exit Parsley Possum.) KARMA: Fair enough... (Looks around for a few minutes until her gaze settles on the PC.) Right, time for a game of Solitaire, methinks. (In bursts Jezza.) JEZZA: Quick! It's an emergency! KARMA: What?! JEZZA: Some bloke called Galder Weatherwax's Hat got attacked and we've got him recovering in Toadette's. He seems to have seen... something. KARMA: Galder Weatherwax's Hat? Isn't he a fellow member of the Irish 'Zine Elite? I hear he's dashingly handsome, amazingly talented at anything he turns his hand to, and quite possibly the greatest human being on Earth. JEZZA: True as that is, he's also amazingly beat up. KARMA: Right, best round up the Man With The Golden Bun too, then. Is it serious? JEZZA: Probably not. KARMA: What's the emergency then? JEZZA: I ran into the Dark Grey Lance-Constable* of Norbex out on the street, and he said he'd go ahead and start the questioning while I went and got you. KARMA: Shit, you stupid little tit-boy, shit! Let's hope we're not too late... To the Karma Mobile! JEZZA: You mean your Fiat Panda? KARMA: No time to argue! Let's go! (Exit both of them.) (* Writer's Note: I'm assuming the town of Enizagem has adopted the same police ranking system as that of the Ankh-Morpork Watch. It's my script, I can do what I bally want.) (Cuts to "The Davord and Dismembered Townie". Broccoli the Evil One and Peppermint Patty are still very much tied up.) BROCCOLI: Hey, Patty? PATTY: Yeah? BROCCOLI: Remember, before all this unpleasantness, when you called me a bitch and hit me? PATTY: You mean just after you called me a tart? BROCCOLI: Yah. Now, keeping in mind that I've just managed to get my foot free and am in perfect position to send the back of your shin out to see the front of your shin, what you really meant to do was tell me I'm great and give me some money, isn't that right? PATTY: What? No, you b- OW! And by that, I of course mean yes. And when you called me a tart? BROCCOLI: I meant every word. PATTY: Nothing like being tied up back to back for several hours to mend the friendship between two gals, eh? (Perplexed Crow enters from the bogs.) CROW: Ahhhhhh... nothing like an hour or five with a pocket TV and a bowl of Bran Flakes to clear out the pipes. (Pause) Phew... kinky... Am I interrupting something? PATTY: Yes, as you can see myself and Broccoli are engaged in an orgy of mad, passionate lesbian sex. Now untie us, you twat. CROW: Only if you let me join in. (Cuts to Toadette's. Galder Weatherwax's Hat, Toadette, Le Enfant Terrible, Dark Grey Lance-Contsable of Norbex, Caged Liberty, Sir Whence Pitchfork and Little Miss Clara are sitting around a table. It's a big table. Little Miss Clara is sitting on a booster seat so she can see over the top, and please don't hurt me Seaneen. Galder Weatherwax's Hat is slightly less unconscious, but he's still in pretty bad shape. Poor thing.) DARK GREY YADDA YADDA: Oh come on! You can't seriously expect me to believe that, can you? GALDERHAT: Sorry, what? DARK FECKIDDY LONG NAME: You know it's a felony to waste police time, sir? GALDERHAT: What are you cliving on about, you twozzer? I haven't actually said anything yet! DARK ARSEY: We'll leave that up to the cour- GALDERHAT: What, no! You just came in here, just now, sat down and said "Oh come on! Yo-" TOADETTE: That's 95p, I'm not runnin' a charity here. GALDERHAT: What? (looks down at cup of coffee) Oh, right, sorry. (fishes around inside pocket) Take euros? ENFANT: That coffee not too strong, is it? Only we thought you'd need a little waking up after your unconsciousness. GALDERHAT: Nah, 's fine. Though chewing a drink is a new experience for me. (Karma Policewoman enters with Jezza, the Man With The Golden Bun and Dr Robb Phd. As if the place wasn't full enough already.) KARMA: Galder Weatherwax's Hat? GALDERHAT: Yo. KARMA: I understand you've- (KP looks at Le Enfant Terrible, Caged Liberty, Sir Whence Pitchfork and Little Miss Clara) What're you lot doing here? ENFANT: Was here when the poor bugger 'dropped in', arf arf. CAGED: Hiding from Satan's Rubber Duck. CLARA: Badly worked into the plot to allow a few Hobbit jokes. WHENCE: It's a coffee shop. I'm drinking coffee. KARMA: Fair enough. Right so, Mr Weatherwax's Hat. You've, um, been attacked or something? GALDERHAT: Er, kinda. (Writer's Note [Yes, another one]: Right, well, I can't be arsed trying to write this into the general script anymore, so I'll just shove a monologue in now, and'll we let the plot advance a bit. Here it comes.) Thing is, for the past few months all of my adoring fans will have been let down to see that I've had little time for being on 'Zine. Not because WLW's been ignoring my letters, nonono, I've been busy working on... Well you know how Davord's a twat? (glares from some of the more zealous 'Ziners, Galder Weatherwax's Hat looks sheepish, but continues) Anyway, he is, so I've been building a bit of a replacement. Only it didn't quite work, and when I say it didn't quite work out, I mean it didn't quite work out 8 times. But then it did, only, um, a bit too well, so now the Fabled Project 9.0's escaped and we've got it out and about, hounding not only for the blood of Davord, but, well, blood in general. Sorry 'bout that. It's quite unbelievable strong, too. KARMA: Ye-es. I see. GALDERHAT: Oh, it gets better. It's got laser cannons and a tractor beam and psychic powers and beverage holder and stuff. And it's also got Socialist Guerrilla and no sense of morals. (Pause) GALDERHAT: Oh, and it's more than likely going to try to hunt me down. I, um, you know how it's illeagal to test cosmetics on animals? Great thing about 9.0, haha, is that leagally it doesn't count as an animal. CLARA: But we're safe here. They don't know you're here... do they? Do they Gandalf?! (Gandalf passes by outside the window, wheeling his bike along beside him) GANDALF: I dunno. I'm just off down the post office to collect me welfare. (Gandalf continues on for a few feet, then gets maimed by something.) GANDALF: Fool of a Took! (Before Gandalf's lifeless body hits the pavement the something is already in the door of Toadette's. It has a wide mechanical base with several long pointed mechanical legs, arranged like a spider. Above the waist the creature appears to be half machine, half organic, and resembles a Mewtwo with a mechanical helmet and gloves, covered in eletrical bits and bobs. Oo-er, Cuddy. Attached to the helmet is a short beam of pale yellow light, and at the end, encased in similarly hued light, hangs the unconscious figure of Socialist Guerrilla. Oo-er oo-er, Cuddy. Incidentally, 9.0 is bearing the spoils of cosmetics tesing on it's helmeted face, and the beverage holder is located in a humourous place.) TOADETTE: That's 95p, I'm not runnin' a charity here.
|
Waaaaaaaay back when Kilted Englishman started the original 'Zine soap on World of 'Zine, he put out a request for anyone who'd like to write a script or two. Being the obliging bloke I am, I went ahead and mussied up one or two. But, er, also being the lazy bloke I am, I took my time doing them, and on the very same day I wrote them, Kilty posted his version of Episode 2 on World of 'Zine. Ho-hum. Anyway, now that I've got my own 'Zine site to mess around with (er, I mean, now that I've got access LMC's and SRD's own site, haha), I thought I may as well release these hidden scripts onto the unsuspecting public. And not just as an excuse for another update. No siree. ***** NB - It might be worth pointing out that these were written quite some time ago. While I've updated a few bits (er, I changed my age and introduced the Lord of the Rings thing towards the end), I did decide to leave in the "hiding from SRD" gag, which isn't really valid. Friends of SRD will know what I mean, the rest of ytou, just let it sail over your heads and don't worry about it. |