I am writing this article to combat a great injustice is currently taking place in the world. Terrorism, greed and war are all noteworthy injustices, but none can compare to this. Heinous though it may be, this crime has gone on for countless years unnoticed. Its impact on the world is... well, questionable, but I'd like to think the world would be a better place without it. I am talking, of course, of the continued allowance of smiling in synchronised swimming.

I know as much about synchronised swimming as the next man, assuming the next man is a hermit raised by wolves in the Sahara Desert with no concept of Olympic pools or swimming, let alone doing it in synchronisation with others. I'm not even sure how long smiling has been a part of the sport, but it's been going on far too long. All I know is that it needs to be stopped, and soon. Synchronised swimming isn't just a couple of people performing fancy-schmancy manoeuvres at more or less the same time; it's an expression of inner beauty and freedom of the soul, yet also a morbid reminder of the lack of individuality in today's society. Tell me, how can we take this seriously when the performers are grinning the whole time?

Now we've established the direct link between the "sport" and the state of the world today, it wouldn't be irrational to claim that the events of one have an inverse reaction on the other. Take for instance the recent grim events of September 11. In the following week, not one person is reported to have shown a greater interest in synchronised swimming than the aforementioned terrorist activities. If global attention in one area detracts from that of the other, the opposite must also apply. By allowing smiling in synchronised swimming, the authorities are unwittingly sucking the smiles - and the happiness - from the world. This cannot be allowed to continue.

Since I chose this random topic 20 minutes ago, not one politician has contacted me about the situation. Given the disgraceful lack of government initiative, only one option remains. I am calling on all TRC readers 'Ziners -nay, the entire world population- to boycott synchronised swimming as a spectator sport. This plan has already gone remarkably well. We have the unknowing support of 99% of the western world, which doesn't give a stuff about synchronised swimming. For the remaining one percent, I urge you - join our cause, and the world will be a better, happier place.

In a nutshell, I've just wasted two minutes of your life. How does it feel?