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Not that long ago in a jungle that's actually quite close, there are trees, plants, insects, and horrible little biting things that don't have a name yet, because everyone who saw them was mad, and nobody listens to madmen who go around saying they were bitten by a pink-and-yellow polka-dotted paperclip. There is also someone else and his little friend who flies around his head. His name was Maize, Chris T. L. Maize, and his friend was The Helper.
1Nobody could see The Helper - actually, everyone could see The Helper, but no one wanted to admit they saw a red flying two-inch tall elephant (Look! Deviant collocation! Ooooooh!!), so everyone thought that no one else could see The, when in fact everyone could see The, and it wasn't just the sixth glass of brandy working.
Anyway, Chris and The Helper were wandering through the trees stamping on green-and-cyan striped staples (the less vicious and less colour-coordinated cousins of the pink-and-yellow polka-dotted paperclips) and doing a general all-round absolute zilch. (Of course, Chris was doing the very necessary breathing, and The was doing the very necessary thing-that-red-flying-two-inch-tall-elephants-do.) They were having a telepathic conversation about major philosophical questions like "Is there a God?", "What's the point of life?", and "Why is it that the television reception only ever goes faulty when the finale of Star Trek is on?".
(A curious fact: about 4.6 out of every 57 red flying elephants are telepathilliterate and can't communicate telepathically - these are the friends of the people who have conversations with themselves.
2)They were getting to the finer points of a discussion about the Star Trek fanzine 'Trekkies Who Trek' when bowls, cornflakes, and IceColdMilk™ started falling from the sky.
"Oh look," remarked The very observant Helper, "bowls, cornflakes and IceColdMilk™ are falling from the sky."
We now interrupt this cereal to say something that has absolutely positively one-hundred-percent nothing to do with anything whatsoever in this story at all.
Orange teapots.
OK, that was it. The world will be a much nicer place to live in now.
It saw them. It saw them stop for cornflakes and IceColdMilk™. Stealthily, it stalked towards them. It tried to go unnoticed by using available cover. It remained unnoticed because of the available cover. It leapt. The split-second after it leapt, it realised it had made a crucial mistake. Was this the end for it? Or for The? Or even for Chris? Find out.........on the next line!
Squish!
Chris T. L. Maize twelve points douze points.
Pink-And-Yellow Polka-Dotted Paperclips no points nil points.
All of a sudden, some really scary sounding music appeared (sorry, sounded) from nowhere.
Dum dum dum didly dum dum DUM!! Dum dum dum didly dum dum DUM!!
This meant only one thing (apart from showing the music composer has a very limited vocabulary), it meant that the evil horrid bad nasty disgusting filthy dirty corrupt evil (oh wait... I've said that one) Davord, Lord of Tharg
3 was approaching!!! (There is a piercing scream every time his name is mentioned - no not Chris's, the other guy, Davord, Lord of Tharg (Aaaaaaaargh!) like that. Now close the brackets.) (Thank you.) Chris and The didn't know that that was what the music meant, as he hadn't been taught about Davord, Lord of Tharg (Aaaaaaaaagh!) at school. It was stupid not teaching young children about Davord, Lord of Tharg (Aaaaaaaargh!) (OK, now it's getting silly and the a key on the keyboard is about to break. Just assume that there is a piercing scream whenever Davord, Lord of Tharg's name (Aaaaaaaargh!) (Like that one) is mentioned. (Uh oh I think I've got bracketitis.)) as this could save them from certain death at the hands of the evil Davord, Lord of Tharg (Resist the temptation! Resist the temptation! Uh oh - too weak. Aaaaaaaargh!) but instead, teachers insisted on teaching children things that will never save their lives, like trigonometry and physics.Chris kept walking forwards. Forwards towards a clearing in the trees. Forwards to unimaginable torture! Forwards to immeasurable pain! Forwards to - erm, I can't think of anything else, any ideas anybody??
All of a sudden, some really nice sounding music appeared (sorry again, sounded) from nowhere.
La la la didly la la LA!! La la la didly la la LA!!
This meant only one thing (apart from showing the music composer has a slightly larger than before but still very limited vocabulary), it meant that the good great almighty fantastic stunning beautiful divine angelic saviour WLW
4 was nearby! Yet again, Chris didn't know this, but at least this wouldn't get him killed.He reached the clearing, which was oddly square shaped with three elasticy plants stretched round it. Also, one corner was filled with blue plants, and the opposite one was filled with red plants. There was a black and white striped person standing in the middle.
"In the red corner, weighing in at 220 pounds and 75 pence," cried the stripy man, "we have, on the side of Evil, Davord, Lord of Tharg!!!" At this, there was a lot of booing, and the odd occasional piercing scream. "And in the blue corner, weighing in at 6 pounds and 99 pence, the cheapskate of the side of Good, WLW!!!"
First Davord, Lord of Tharg, moved out of his corner and then WLW moved out of his and the black and white striped person moved out the way but Chris T.L. Maize and The Helper were stuck in the middle. Davord, Lord of Tharg, attacked first with his Evil Kenevil move, but WLW countered with Goody Twoshoes. Chris cowered in the middle with The cowering beside him. WLW attacked now with his Jokeslam move which hurt Davord, Lord ofTharg a lot. Chris was still hiding with The. Davord turned around and began to runaway from WLW but he ran into the elasticy plants and was catapulted back into WLW. WLW was hurt a lot by that. Davord, Lord of Tharg cheered, then disappearer into nothingness, leaving behind a large metallic device which started to tick uh oh time to run methinks tick tick tick tick tick tick boom.When the bomb went tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, BOOM!! Chris T. L. Maize and The Helper were shot up into the air, began to fall, then hit the ground with a thud. For a few minutes, Chris felt like he was drunk. (If you don't know what being drunk feels like, ask a glass of water.) When the period of dizziness passed, he looked around him. The was there, that was good, the ground had stopped wobbling about, that was better, and WLW was lying there, that was great. To Chris, WLW was the most godlike awe-inspiring etc creature
5 he had ever seen. WLW's eyes flickered open, and on seeing Chris, flickered with recognition."Look, I'm your father -" started WLW.
"Really?!?!?" exclaimed (and interrupted) Chris.
"Hey! Let me finish! I'm your father's aunt's brother's primary school teacher's mother's ex-boyfriend's husband's bank manager's son's daughter's twenty-fourth cousin five times removed."
"Oh." (Pause) (Longer pause) (Even longer pause) "So you're no relation of mine at all?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
For the rest of the story, send £500 or your last Rolo to: 123456 Main Street, London, AB3 4EF.
1 The Helper is not actually his real name, but due to a queer evolutionary quirk, he can only say his true name in a very high squeaky voice. 'Bob' doesn't sound too threatening or scary when said in a very high squeaky voice, so he chooses to be called 'The Helper'. He has practised this, and can now make it sound very Very VERY threatening and scary.
Back to the story.2 This information was gathered by 'National Red Flying Elephant Census PLC'. Mind you, this company also stated that every red flying elephant had 3½ legs, a llama, two private jets (these are reasonable), and 4 Hear'Say CDs (this is impossible - red flying elephants have taste).
Back again.3 Davord, Lord of Tharg (Aaaaaaaargh!) is the most evil looking creature ever. He isn't described for many (OK, only two) reasons:
- His form is whatever your worst nightmare is, be it arachnid, big hairy rabid dog, mushroom, or your teacher.
- My brain has seized up.
4 In case you're wondering where I get these names from, I mash the keyboard with my forehead and the result is what you see here. I do that quite often, usually when the computer beeps at me and tells me it's broke. Maybe I should have taken my friend's advice and bought a plank instead - they're simpler.
Up you go.5 WLW isn't described for the same reasons as Davord, Lord of Tharg (except replace evil with good). There is only one condition though - he/she/it MUST have blue hair. Don't ask why, but the hair must be blue. Period.
Go on, guess. Want more??? Visit Part 2!!!Copyright of Satan's Rubber Duck 2002
And, of course, the Twidgery itself.
*****
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