My confusion lies in the fuzzy lines Moscow's militsia draw between disciplinary actions, bullish interference and sheer stupidity.

So I've been wondering: Do these men in gray have a secret book of codes, a book that gives a militiaman suggestions as to what to do and how to act?

Think about it. How else can someone of limited initiative come up with so many imaginative reasons to give someone, anyone, as of late me, such a hard time? They must have guidelines, and I'm guessing here, but they probably run something like:

Code No. 3: "Look Tough, Act Tough, Be Annoying." An early code every militiaman learns in his first week on the job.

Code No. 12: "Give No Answer at All and Walk Away" is always a militiaman's favorite whenever directions or general advice is needed.

Code No. 46: "I'm Bored, Therefore I Will Make Something Up," was applied when I was reprimanded for being a foreigner out on the streets after 11 p.m. That, apparently, was illegal and I was fined.

Code No. 289: "Document Abuse." Another firm favorite, particularly with the old, paper visas that can very easily rip when being looked at. And of course, a ripped visa is a finable offense.

Code No. 577: "Give the Worst Possible Advice and Benefit From It" was acted upon when, asking where the nearest toilet was, I was told to simply nip behind a kiosk and do what I had to there. Of course, it was the same militiaman who then fined me heavily for taking an illegal pee.

Sounds familiar? Then I'll press home with a recent incident of militia creative thinking.

A friend of mine was passing through Moscow and, wanting to send him home with a message of good cheer to other mutual friends, I thought a photo-shoot on Red Square was in order. The photo-shoot involved me standing in front of Lenin's tomb holding a large piece of paper with the word "Hello" on it.

No sooner had the piece of paper been unfolded, than three militiamen came running at me.

"You can't say that here," one of them said, pointing to the piece of paper.

I looked at the word Hello and asked them why. It soon transpired that the militiamen had not seen past the first four letters of Hello and had jumped to the conclusion that I was either sending an SOS back home or trying to converse with the devil.

So, would that have come under "Code No. 49,516: "Satanic Messaging Has No Place in Moscow" or "Code No. 1: Foreigners Doing Something Silly. Bust 'em?"