The following is an email I wrote my good friend Jon when I was in a gothic identity-crisis about four to five months ago. Even though I might not feel today as I felt back then, it is still the best example to date of what goes on in my head and how I let it out.

If you have any objections to me putting this online Jon, please let me know.

Having been fascinated by it for a few years now I am slowly beginning to get drawn more and more towards it... The Goth Scene... Up until this point I have never spoken my mind about this fascination, so listen good, for I will probably never again talk about this...

Several of my ventures into the scene have been met with protest from certain people in my surroundings, calling me anything from a bat-wannabe to a straight-up poser... As I like to go about my business causing as little stress as possible these encounters have left me numb and scared... One thing that bugged me from square one was calling myself a Goth... For I do not truly know if I am one, although I sure as hell feel like one most of the time...

This brings me to another one of the hated topics... What makes one a Goth... I will not bother you with a little checklist of reasons why I see myself as a Goth... For one of the most pointless things to do is to defend a claim which is, in the end, your own choice and not another's... It also hints, to me at least, of fraud... All too many times have I stumbled across girl in the age-range of 14 to 17 calling themselves Goth because they, to their saying, fit the bill so to say...

Feeling afraid that I will quickly run out of things to say... I will, as blatantly posing as it is, run by your little FAQ point by point and give you my opinion on each point... The things that make me tick and mean the world to me... I would hate to use you as some sort of 'Goth-o-meter' but any verdict that would bring my inner self closer to salvation would be greatly appreciated... For I am afraid that me calling myself Goth will wake up the daemons that scorned me before... Sad as it is, I need the opinion of one who walked the path himself to set myself free...

First off there is my soul... What I feel... What I think... I have tried to push myself away from all things mainstream ever since I have come into contact with the sound of Iron Maiden... It might sound strange, but it was the music of this truly great english heavy metal band that became the first installment of the rollercoaster that has been my life for the last few years... Up until a year ago I tried to be like my friends as hard as I could... I tried to listen to the same music and like the same things... Something inside me snapped at a certain point and I started to push away from them too... I started to listen to very old music and I even began to like bands such as The Beatles and recently Moody Blues... I found myself trying to be as individually as possible... My opinions on many different subjects differed greatly with my friends and even they started to slowly shun me... Born was the joker... I created this little persona to stay in touch with my friends... I would, and still do, act a bit off just so they would not completely shut me out... It was about four to five months ago that I met Michael, Adam and you... Now, after many a conversation via email and MSN I see Adam as my closest confidant, even though we don't speak to eachother as often as we used to... Michael is slowly becoming a close friend as I am slowly getting used to his quirks... And you are slowly rising to the same position as Adam... You guys are my true friends... My second family...

Faith... Well... I am a born and bred atheïst... No question about that... Although Buddhism does interest me... As for devotion... As long as I take a real liking to people I tend to actually be ready to take a bullet for them...

Fashion... Ah, the old stereotype suits me... Black, black, black and the occasional white... Well, a man has to wear socks... We are humans, not animals... My spikes... Ah, my spikes... I have had a lot of discussions about them... My friends think I am merely trying to shock people... But to be honest I wear them because I do not feel complete without them... Not wearing spikes to me is akin to being naked... It is just not right...

Music... Glorious music... It once began with softness such as Iron Maiden and Metallica... I was an aspiring metalhead... Wanting to be nothing more than someone who loved the soothing sound of a rocking guitar riff... After that came bands such as Cradle of Filth and Children of Bodom... Most people never understood why I liked it... And most probably never will... What Black Metal, if I might be so bold as to name the genre, taught me was that I seemed to like the symphonic parts in some of the songs... After that came a short period of punk and punkrock... This was around christmas last year... Mostly because there was some friction between me and my ex-girlfriend... She was Christian and did not really understand my love for black and dark music... Well, my love for her drove me into the arms of bands such as Blink 182 and The Offspring... In the aftermath of this rather emotionally straining period came the music I still listen to today... A mix of, if I once again might be so bold, hard rock such as Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath and Meatloaf and the truly peaceful sounds of bands such as Moody Blues and The Beatles... Throw in a little classical music from time to time and you have my musical interest in a nutshell...

Last but not least... Artistic expression... Back in time, before highschool I used to draw all day... I would draw entire worlds of my own creation... The first few years of highschool, up until about a year ago were artistically desolate... I did not do any drawings anymore and I hardly listened to music... In the past few months, started by me joining Imperial Literature and submitting 'The Beginning of Something Big' (rather fitting title now I think of it), I have started to write stories and poetry... My stories have had a hearty welcome and have been praised as being rather good... Something that brought a smile to my face, as I absolutely love it when people like what I create... My poetry has also been applauded, although I have dismissed this as just people being nice to me... The time it normally takes me to write poetry is so short it makes me feel I am just churning out some sort of mass-product...

Well, there you have it... What started out as my take on certain things has developed into my life story... I am truly sorry you have to read all this and I will not blame you for refusing to do so... I hope this little peek into my mind has given you a bit of an idea about me...

Goth or not, your mate and confidant for life...

Jer.