Exclusive! Down the Pub with Osama Bin Sock Puppet

According to George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and the terrorist Al Qaida network are the greatest ever threat to the free world. Osama Bin Sock Puppet couldn't be a greater contrast, a notorious party animal and all round drunkard, Osama Bin Sock Puppet is the toast of high society, I meet him, on a cold November evening, down the pub as usual.

"I could get in to the Met Bar, Groucho's, all places like that, but this is where I feel at home, down me local, the Dog and Duck" says the amiable former sock puppet of Islamic terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, "To coin a phrase, I'm as happy as a pig in shit, Bin Laden may be blowing things up and hiding in caves, but I'm getting drunk and loving it!" Hang on, aren't you Muslim? I ask him, "Nah mate, he says, as we sock puppets aren't technically alive, there's no afterlife, so I could sit around reading the holy book and making my wife wear a sheet over her head, but where would it get me? Nowhere, that's where, so I think a life of hedonism is the only way forward for a man with no earthly soul."

Life has been sweet for Osama Bin Sock Puppet since he left Sudan with Osama Bin Laden, "his luggage got lost and ended up in London and there I was, lost in a strange country with no friends," he says "luckily, I found some in the airport bar, it turns out that these friendly people were George Clooney, Brad Pitt and their respective entourages and they quickly introduced me to the joys of alcohol and women" George and Brad took him to the premier of their new movie and Osama Bin Sock Puppet became an instant hit with his drunken escapades, Liam Gallagher cites him as an influence, saying "That Osama Bin Sock Puppet, like, he's a fuckin' genius man, I mean, 'es turned getting drunk, smoking tabs and falling down in the gutter into an art form, know what I mean like?"

Osama Bin Sock Puppet, has turned getting drunk, smoking tabs and falling down in the gutter into an art form, apparently

After a few (well many) Drambuie and Canadian Clubs I ask him what he thinks of his former owner's recent antics, "Fair enough, he does his thing, I'll do my thing, he's happy, I'm happy, let's all get along now, la da da da da da dah! la da da da da da dah!" Does he know who Osama Bin Laden is? I ask him, "Osama Bin Who?" he replies "nah mate, I can't even remember me own name, let alone anyone else's, alright love, fancy a christmas present, then suck my cock, it's a cracker!" I made my excuses and left

Osama Bin Sock Puppet, as we saw, is a fun loving mischevious, womanising drunkard, who would you prefer as the biggest threat to the free world, the religious fundamentalist, or the pisshead? I know which one I'd plump for every time!

Reporter: Jeremy Rifkin Sock Puppet