Goodbye

This review is pure humorous fiction. None of the comments and opinions expressed in the article (with the exception of those made by yours truly) are real.

Summary

Playgirl takes the stand in the infamous "Rest Room" scadal.

Analysis

"HEADLINES" -- South Florida, herrings concluded this week in the infamous Rest Room scandal in which two Road Rules cast members were suspected of having illicit relations inside an Atlanta based T.G.I. Fridays rest room the week before, according to reports from The Associated Travel Press.

The investigation was headed by Theo Vanternkowski, a 19-year-old aspiring magazine editor from the University of Louisiana. Titled "The Vanternkowski Report", the investigation centered on the apparent attempts by a 21-year-old Cornell student to cover up the facts surrounding the incident.

"Kathryn was just a big ole liar and my investigation proved that," said Theo. "You know at first I didn't have anything substantial to go on... of course most of the time I don't have anything substantial to say, but eventually I was able to pry the truth from Kathryn's lying lips." When asked to comment on his other case subject, Laterrian, a 22-year-old UNC graduate, Theo stated that Laterrian's a cool guy who got taken for a ride on the Kathryn manipulative express.

As for the two parties in question, both Laterrian and Kathryn declined our request for an interview; nor did they return calls made to their Embassy Suite room on Tuesday and Wednesday. However, they did make a request for us not to disclose their last names, citing issues with the case.

"You know dude, things just didn't match up," said Theo. "Kat tells her boyfriend Reed one lie, then she goes and tells Laterrian another one, and it's like everyone's lying to each other dude, and I just couldn't respect that!"

Reporters attempted to contact Reed to get his intake, but later found that he was unavailable for comment- after being debriefed by B-M travel escorts.

Theo denied allegations that his intense pursuit of this case was due to his opposition to interracial relationships. "Ya, I dated this one black girl named Hollay, she was pre-med," he said. "Still, I don't think we blend all that well together; but that doesn't mean I have anything against coloreds and whites mixing--or colored people in general. After all, my gardener's black!"

The emotional stress from the scandal was so great on Kathryn that she even contemplated leaving the show at one point; however, her travelmates urged her to reconsider her pending decision and stay. Eventually she did and all were pleased.

"I'm glad Kat decided to sack up and face the music," said Theo. "I've acted like the backwoods butthead that I am throughout this whole case. And you know it's cool if Kathryn and Laterrian wanna sack up dude, but don't act like we aren't supposed to know what you know when in reality we already know what you know, ya know?"

Opinion among the other cast members varied to a certain degree.

"Dude, I really don't feel comfortable discussing what went on between Kat and LT in the rest room," said James Orlando, Laterrian's best friend on the trip who frequently provides him with advice concerning relationships. "Dude, I knew things were getting pretty heated between those two dude, and Reed's visit just threw the match on the gasoline. So dude, I told LT to like come true dude, fess up to what went down that night."

Eventually Laterrian spilled the beans in a deposition so racy it nearly violated the show's TV14 rating. "Dude, that was more than I wanted to know," said James upon hearing Laterrian and Kathryn's testimony. "Funny thing is dude, this whole Kat/LT fling seemed like an elaborate hook up ploy by the producers," he said. "Much like what they pulled with Holly and I at the beginning of the trip. But now that everything's cool dude, I say bring on the bunnies!"

Bunim/Murray Productions refused to comment on air regarding allegations of tampering with the cast' personal affairs. However, they did release a written statement which read:

"We at Bunim/Murray Productions would never resort to manipulating the dynamics of a season just for ratings--even if those ratings are being lost to shows like: Survivor and Big Brother every week."

Holly Brenston, a 20-year-old self proclaimed "glamour queen" and recovering sexoholic, has been rumored to be in a relationship with James for the past seven weeks. Sources are uncertain as to whether the relationship was doctored, and neither James nor Holly would talk to reporters about the matter.

"Dude, BACK UP! Will you please back up," said Holly when reporters apparently got too close while attempting to conduct an interview in the Atlantic University gymnasium. "Kat and I are the only one's on this trip who have seen any water," she said. "Therefore this mission is resting squarely on my shoulders, and if you guys keep interrupting my practice routine, I won't be able to carry my team to victory! This is a big deal to me. I don't want those playmates to walk away with my money, I don't want them to walk away with my glory."

Duluth, Ga, resident Kyle Reeves is a 23-year-old computer science major who we conducted an interview with last year on the highly publicized S.A.S Booze Bust. In an interview conducted several months after the case, he laughed when asked to comment on the Rest Room scandal. "That was one funny soap opera," said Kyle who like so many other viewers frequently watch the fully edited reality based documentary series every Monday Night. "Kathy brought this whole 'ordeal' on herself by being dishonest to Reed, Laterrian, and the rest of the group; then when she's finally called to fess up, she gets all wishy-washy and runs to mommy dearest to sob about her excruciating trauma, citing that if she doesn't get out of this she's gonna die. Aww, BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO! Cry me a river honey."

Kyle went on to criticize Kathryn for quote, "leading Laterrian on", then later lying about her intentions on the stand. "Laterrian's testimony speaks for itself," he said. "Her dress was down, her bra was off, yet Kathy still insisted that she had NO plans for sex what-so-ever. Either she lied or that was one heck of a make-out session! Either way Reed and Kathy are finished!"

Latest opinion polls seem to indicate that by far, the public disapproves of Kathryn's conduct throughout the scandal.

When asked to comment on Theo's handling of the case, Kyle vented by calling Theo's investigation the biggest waste of airtime since the Republicans' mock impeachment trial of President Clinton. "Ya that's right, I said it! It had to be said," he said. "Three weeks of prodding and poking, and for what you may ask, for what? Lying about a make-out session in the rest room? Now granted, it does make for fine entertainment, but what stake does Theo have in all of this? Why is finding the truth such a concern for him? And where in the hell was M'saada during all of this?"

Following up on Kyle's question, reporters attempted to contact M'saada Nia, a 22-year-old tap dancing queen from South Central, LA, for an interview, but she declined stating that the editors didn't seem to care for her opinion- since in general she's hardly ever shown on camera.

"Poor M'saada, she's like the token background cast member who's just 'there'," said Kyle. However, M'saada did offer to share her first impressions of Kathryn's boyfriend Reed. "Oh my God! He was like, so small!" "Hehe, ya, he was like a scrawny Matt Damon, but I won't hold that against him," replied Kyle.

According to Theo, his seemingly intense pursuit to pry the truth from Laterrian and Kathryn didn't stem from any jealousy, resentment, or attention seeking, but rather from a sense of responsibility, respect, and duty.

"Kat asking everyone to like turn the other cheek while she fed Reed a line of BS was just wrong and I couldn't respect that," he said.

Kyle said he agreed with Theo's assumptions, but not with his actions. "I can understand Theo's anger with Kathy's dishonesty to Reed," he said. "But he might as well had called Ken Starr to assist him while he was at it."


NEXT WEEK: Playgirl shoots for her pilot's license.


Jump straight to "My Louisiana". Or go back to "Love, Lust, & Lies".

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