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Odd Odd Odd
Don’t trust the world? Noticed something . . . odd, recently? Think a thought which didn’t quite . . . fit in with the others? Got a really strange one-liner? Report it to the Odd Odd Odd Committee at the email below, and if accepted, it will be posted in this collection of Random Things Which Amuse Me. Read on!
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that if there is a god, he must be a really laid back guy, because if I was god, I’d be out all the time smiting people for being such bleeding morons. But so far as I know, God has restrained from smiting almost everyone. Good for him!
"The church says the Earth is flat: But I know it is round. For I have seen the shadow on the moon. And I have more faith in a shadow than the church."
Aalwayys usse Maggik Mmarkkers ina wellwell ventiillatedd areaea. Alawayss.
I wonder if Lemming mothers use the "If all the cool Lemmings were jumping off a bridge, would you do it?" Bet it doesn’t work very well.
You ever feel this intense gripping obsessive urge to write OK in the "Do Not Write In This Area" part of a scansheet? Ummm . . . me neither.
When animals go skinny-dipping, do they take their fur off, or put clothing on?
It’s time for a few geography confessions. I always laugh when I see the country Uruguay. I still can’t tell the difference between Wyoming and Colorado. I was disappointed when I found out the thick white line around Alaska and Hawaii wasn’t an enormous force field. I never knew where Abu Dhabi was, but I always acted like I did. I get all those former Soviet Republics confused. I like to pronounce Illinois with the s. I’m glad I got that off my chest.
Here’s a list of people who just have no sense of humor: The FBI, The IRS, Airport Security Officers, the Secret Service, and 911 Operators. Sheesh.
If I was a stock broker, I’d run on to the exchange and yell "Oh, God!! Sell, Sell, Sell!!!" Just to see what would happen.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I would make a sexy French Maid.
"I hope Mickey dies. I do, I hope he dies. I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese."
Have you ever listened to that safety lecture on airplanes? You know the part where they explain how to use the seat belt? Why do they bother? I mean, wouldn’t it be more efficient to just thin the herd a little?
"I’ve never killed a man, but I’ve read many an obituary with pleasure."
Joke.
Had this been a real joke, it probably would not have appeared on this website.
Corloth Writes,
I was vacationing with my family to Chicago, where one morning I woke up at 4:00 to find the local TV station running old episodes of that Andy Griffith Show spinoff, Gomer Pyle USMC. During a commercial break, I saw a phone sex ad for 1-800-473-HOTT. What type of people would be watching Gomer Pyle USMC at 4:00 AM but would also be interested in phone sex? Evidently, people in Chicago...
Nate of Debate Writes,
Traditionally, India had always been east of Spain and Portugal and the rest of Europe, so what made Columbus think that sailing west would be shorter? And why did the reigning King/Queen/Short Guy let him go? Wasn't that awfully irresponsible, given that the world was flat at the time? Maybe they were trying to finish him off by sending him over the edge. . .
I think it would be really funny if an epidemic swept the nation and thousands of people died from the same disease. At least, if the disease involved an uncontrollable urge to yell "Ch-Ch-Chia" and then water yourself. And it was called "The Chia Pet Disease".
"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."
Here's a recipe for fun: 7 cups of coffee, a French Vanilla Cappachino and a cup of green sour cream! Mix well, don't sleep, and then break into a violently shaking rendition of "Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue" during that big history final. The result? A fun-filled drug test in the principal's office!
T.S. Elliot writes,
What is up with those genetics conference protesters? Prancing about declaring, "No way man, i dont like GM Stuff." Seriously. I am tempted to go out there and tell them to their face "Get a job, please!" I think someone ought to do it. In fact. I DARE someone to do it.
If I ever enter a nursing home, I'll be the angry bitter old man in the corner who's mean to the girl scouts who come sing and is rude to the nurses but has a secret sensitive side. Also, I'll constantly mutter about the war.
I think, if you have a crush on someone, a good way to express your feelings is to mail them a raw cow's heart wrapped in newspaper with "Obsessed with you ~ XOXOX" written in blood. You know, sort of a secret admirer note.
I wish I had superpowers, like I could read people's minds. Then I'd know all the answers on that "Who wants to be a Millionaire?" show! Oh, yeah, and I'd ummm . . . catch criminals or something.
Do you ever just sit around and think to yourself, gosh, what if I were the Sultan? That would be a great pick-up line!
Ever stop and wonder why the Lincoln memorial looks so darn uncomfortable? I wonder if it really, really has to go to the bathroom, but they won't let him. I mean, it would ruin his whole "statue" reputation, wouldn't it? I bet that can lead to some kidney and bladder injuries after a while.
Piglet writes,
If heaven is perfect, but all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, can you still listen to them in heaven?