In my dreams, it grew colder...and so I awoke. The sun had passed over the castle, casting the entire rose garden into shadow. For a moment, I couldn't remember how to get back to Talia's rooms...and then I recalled. But it was probably hours until suppertime, and so I decided to take a look at the castle. Past the rose gardens I headed for the main entrance, and eventually found my way into a large hall. Florimel was there, as were a great many nobles...they were already arriving for the ball....
Flora was busy speaking with someone named Lord Matheus...something about resitution and recognition of services. She smiled and looked calm, but I could feel her irritation...and for a moment I understood how much she really wanted to strangle him. I smiled at her...glanced away embarrassed, and then looked back at her, trying to give her some show of commiseration. She nodded to me, and I continued on. Beside Matheus stood two children, a young boy and his younger sister. The boy stood very stiff, doing his best to display good manners, but his sister was impatient and wanted to see the fountains...and so did I for that matter.
How can I explain this? I should be doing what she's doing...fidgeting...playing...acting my age. But I cannot. I just want to run through the halls...play hide-n-seek with the other children...ride down large staircases on serving trays...make a complete nuisance of myself and then laugh all the way to my rooms. But I cannot. He took that away from me...made me grow up too soon. If I behave like anything less than a proper adult, they'll put me away...send me to a boarding school or an asylum. I just want to take her hand, this daughter of Matheus, and show her the garden...play with dolls...laugh and have fun. But I cannot.
Looking around the room, I was amazed by all the costumes...although I suppose here they're just clothes, really. But to me, it was like stepping into a play, or a movie about the middle ages. Of course, I was wearing a gown of my own, simple though it was. At that point, the horns sounded and the large doors at the end of the hall opened. Arthur entered, clad in a long ermine cloak, wearing a crown. Fiona stood at his side, and so did Gerard. I admit I panicked when I first saw him, and stepped to the side. I guess I kind of hoped he wouldn't notice me...maybe he hadn't heard about me yet. When I was little, it was easy to hide in a crowd, but now I'm a full-grown woman...and pretty I suppose...and so I can hide no longer.
Lord Matheus and his court approached Arthur; the little boy delivered his speech...wants to be a knight or some such. The little girl looked awestruck at the sight of Arthur. I have to admit that I was a bit awed as well. Gerard and Fiona noticed me. He looked confused at the sight of me, and as Fiona spoke, comprehension dawned over his features. Arthur seemed to pass me by, but then stopped and turned to me. He greeted me, asked how I was feeling. I stammered a bit, and said that I was feeling much better. In truth, I was. The nap in the garden had gone a long way to restoring my strength. He was kind to me...and more importantly, he was sincere. Konrad had warned me that he could go either way; I guess I'd feared the worst. I was wrong. I said that I needed nothing at present, and thanked him. He smiled at me, and then continued on. Fiona noticed me, too, but her gaze was neither friendly nor unfriendly. She is as inscrutable as Konrad described. But at the same time, she is so pretty...so strong. I would be like her if I could. I think I understand why Cassilda so respects her.
My heart beating far too quickly, I left the hall before any of the noblemen could accost me, for they were curious, and hurried to my next destination, the hall of portraits. There was no picture of Konrad there...and I felt so sad about this, that I feared I would cry right then and there. I'm the only one who understands what really happened...the only one who ever really loved him. And that's all he ever really wanted. They just want to forget him.... I'll make my own portrait of him and hang it here...mayhap Arthur will be persuaded. He's my father, and I owe him this at least...to not allow him to be completely forgotten.
On the way out, I passed a portrait of Talia with a young boy. At first, I didn't recognize him...but it was Nicholas as a child. Strange that I Katherine would stand her in my new adult body and regard an image of my father as child. I miss you, too, Nicholas...but I'm not certain that I want you back just yet. I am not certain that I'm ready for you.
After this, I hurried back to Talia's quarters. So hard not to laugh and shout as I rushed back. This place is so much more alive than anything I've ever known! The clothes, the weather, the sun and sky and the sheer pagentry of this place...! It's like being in a fantasy world. After my brief sojourn in Hell, Amber is almost too much to believe. I don't want to ever leave!
I knocked at Talia's door...and then re-thought that, and just entered. After all, I live here now. Cassilda was there...looking more than a bit irritated, though not with me or Talia. Nicholas calls it empathy...I inherited it from him. I can't tell what people are thinking, but I almost always know what they're feeling...and Cassilda was feeling angry and betrayed. She told me that a package had arrived for me from Europe. Instantly excited, I asked Talia if I could go fetch it...and she agreed...looking somewhat annoyed with me. She's tired of my questions, I fear...and she still hurts from what happened there.
Cassilda and I talked in the hallway...but she would tell me nothing about what had happened. She said enough that I suspect Quynn did something wrong, though. I wish I understood her a little more, but she's always kept her own feelings hidden from me...from Konrad, too, for that matter. Her rooms were fairly bare...I doubt she actually spends much time there. The trunk was rather large, so she summoned servants to carry it back to Talia's chambers. I thanked her, and lead the servants to place it in my room.... The room...my room...is incredible. There are hanging plants everywhere, and nice rugs spread over the stone floor. There are large glass doors leading onto a balcony that faces the gardens. In the center of the room is a large four-poster bed, festooned with gauzy white cloth that moves when the wind blows into the room. The fireplace has a large mantle for displaying knick-knacks; there's a large armoire made of wood, with little keyholes on the front so I can lock away my dresses. Not that I have any dresses, really, as they're all things that Talia loaned me, and don't fit too well.
I shut the door behind me, 'cause I wanted some privacy, and began to look at the trunk. The lock was a combination lock...but I knew how to get around that. Konrad always used the days of our birthdays for his briefcase lock...14-30-8. Piled in the trunk were all manner of things: dresses, tools, dolls, cards, paints and brushes...all my toys and tools...and atop the pile a letter. I recognized the handwriting immediately...it was from Konrad.
Katherine,
This letter will no doubt seem a strange gesture, words from a man now gone. If you have not been told already, then know that I died to protect you. I always thought that it would be more difficult to live for someone than to die for them. Sacrificing one's life seems a simple gesture...and brief. Living for someone can consume years...decades. And yet living for you would only condemn you to misery and corruption. I want you to be free, my daughter, and so I go...and it surprises me how hard it is to leave you.
I have packed your belongings...your tools and toys...some of your favorite dresses. Cassilda will take care of you in Amber; perhaps Talia will give you her support as well. You will make friends with Iris and Alexander, and live amongst your extended family in happiness.
I can't think of what to give you to remember me. Take my ring. It will warn you of danger, and aid you in your magic. ItŐs a small gesture, but maybe it will prove useful for you.
I miss you already, Katherine. Be strong in Amber; be brave. I've told you all I could about your cousins; I hope it's enough. And tell this to Nicholas, 'Though it may surprise you, I loved you for a time.'
I will love you for all eternity, daughter.
Konrad
"...make friends with Iris and Alexander...." But they're both dead father...and so are you.
Why did you leave me, Konrad? I've never needed you so much as I need you now...now that I'm in Amber all alone.
I sat awhile and cried...sorting through the trunk. He's packed all my favorite dresses and shirts, but they were all too small for me now. I found my dolls, including the doll I'd made of him...and I held it to my chest and cried for a while longer.
He'd packed everything so thoroughly...so carefully. I can almost imagine him folding and packing all the toys and dresses.... I wonder if he cried while he did it. Oh, father, I wish you'd chose to live for me instead.
There were all manner of dresses, shoes, leggings, shirts, gloves, scarves, and hats, and none of it fit me. He had packed my metalworking tools, which I use to make my clockwork toys. My dolls were in there, as I said earlier...one of Nicholas, Talia, Cassilda, and Konrad...and the one of Konrad had twelve tiny porcelein masks showing other faces. He remembered my sewing and painting supplies, and my drawings and letters from Xavier and Iris. There was the ceramic mask I had made of Talia while in school...but had never gotten around to giving her. My brushes, combs, hand mirror, ballet slippers, awards from school for good penmanship and horseback riding...my favorite cookbook...a figurine of a horse...my witch stuff, including herbs, wax blocks, a crystal ball, and a bunch of other odd bits...it was all there. In a long flat box was the dollhouse Nicholas had made that resembled our home in the Channard Institute, and the trumps he had given me, which I quickly hid in my purse. I found Konrad's topaz ring in a small golden velvet bag, and placed it on my finger. It always used to be too big for me, but now it fits perfectly. There was the trump of Mandor done in his own hand...a relic from Konrad's time at the Library, and a steel sphere...one of Mandor's as well. There were some paintings in there...of each of us alone and as a family. He had packed my magic bow and quiver, which caused me to smile. I briefly remembered hunting with both of them, though in truth only Nicholas and I hunted. Konrad just rode along quietly, happy to be with both of us. And lastly, at the bottom of the trunk was a heavy bag of coins...in it were jewels, gold and silver coins, paper money of all kinds, including a large wad of bills that were from Earth. I guess this was his way of seeing to my future.
I put a lot of it away...but took the mask of Talia.
When I looked in the mirror, my eyes were puffy from crying...and so I went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. Looking in the mirror, I couldn't recognize this face...was it really me in there...was he really gone? I briefly wondered the likelihood of my awaking any moment....
Talia regarded me calmly as I entered the room. She talked to me softly about loss...provided words that should have been comforting, but weren't. There is no warmth or comfort from here. I understand her too well. No one was there to comfort her when times were tough, and so why should she do as much for me? She couldn't even mutter some optimistic nothing phrase...it would have been a lie anyway. Perhaps I should be glad of her honesty...that she tries to make me strong. But in all honesty I feel her distance to be a sign of weakness. She's afraid of weakness...which is no different than being weak.
We talked, but she had little to say that could help me. But I was allowed to go to the ball. She had arranged a spot on the third floor balcony where I could watch the festivities. I admit this lightened my mood somewhat. I mentioned that I wanted to see Xavier...but she wasn't sure he'd be here for the ball. I gave her the mask then...she smiled and took it, but it really wasn't a sincere smile. I could feel that much. I took her into the room to show her what he'd brought...she asked that I give her Mandor's sphere...and so I did. In all honesty, I didn't want it and now she thinks she's protected me somehow. Now everybody's happy.
While we were dressing, I asked her about Lorian, who it turns out is the daughter of Corwin and Moire (from Rebma?). I remarked that I had wondered why she was giving me the hairy eyeball, and Talia started to laugh...which quickly hurt her cracked ribs and became a rather frightening wheeze. "She's fat and rude," was the only other thing Talia had to say about Lorian. I'm not entirely certain what brought that on...I guess grandmother doesn't like her.
Julnar insisted I wear a corsette...which I disliked intensely. I don't care if it does make me look 'pretty'...I will not be wearing that evil thing very often in Amber. The dress, though, was beautiful. It was a midnight blue so dark as to almost be black, and it was cut fairly conservatively...which is important to me, as I have no intention of making my debut in Amber wearing a gown that shows my breasts. Julnar put my hair up in curls, and gave me gloves and a purse.
Then Merlin arrived.... I find it very hard to remember that he is the Emperor of Chaos...he doesn't act like an emperor. Of course, how should an emperor act? Anyway...he doesn't seem very...commanding...or even intimidating. I wonder if this is why Nicholas feels he could take the throne from him...? I asked Merlin whether or not Xavier would be here tonight, and learned that he wouldn't. It would have been nice to have someone familiar around. There is Cassilda, but in all honesty, she's kinda weird. I wanted to talk to someone my own age...which is a puzzle in and of itself.
I left Merlin and Talia to talk, and had Julnar take me to the balcony. I wasn't there very long before Talia arrived. She had decided to take me down for the beginning of the ball...before things got to busy. She gave me a trump of herself, and instructed me to use it at the first sign of trouble. Actually, I already had one by Cassilda, but a second one can't hurt. We went down to the main area and stood off to one side as the procession began. It was pretty boring. I saw Chadwick for the first time...and saw Lorian again. Who else did I see? Caine, Torrence, Flora, Fiona, Gerard, Llewella, Quynn, Cassilda, Merlin, Corwin, and a lot of others...I can't remember who all was there. Julian wasn't there...nor Lord Bleys the Babykiller...and Nicholas didn't come either. I doubt he was invited.
Everybody came up and swore their loyalty to Arthur. Talia went up and did the same. When I asked her about whether or not I should, she said not until I had been recognized. Corwin, Lorian, and Merlin approached together.... At that point, Corwin turned and looked at Talia, and made a slight motion for her to come. She looked startled by that, and so I said, "I think he wants to go up, grandma." She gave me an evil glare...and I tried not to laugh. Sometimes it's just too fun to state the obvious. And then Corwin looked straight at me, and said to everyone present that I was his great-granddaughter, and it was my turn to be startled. I could have died at that point...but I kept control...did not even turn red...just smiled and approached. And when it was my turn, I stepped toward Arthur and said, "My loyalty to you, Arthur, and to Amber." And then I went back to my place. Talia seemed strangely pensive...and she said that it was the first time that Corwin had publicly called her daughter. Empathy...I could feel her sorrow for a moment. I can't hate her...she's been through so much. She's not my mother...can never be that to me...but I hope we can be friends at least. In all honesty, maybe she does understand what I'm going through...maybe she knows what's best.
After that, I went over to talk to Corwin. He was standing with Dierdre and a woman I later learned was Dara. I asked him if he would dance with me...and at first he stammered, but then Dierdre said he should. And so we danced...and he was a very good dancer. I thanked him for recognizing me, and he said, "Thanks for not holding things against me," which made little sense to me. I just laughed and said that I'm not like my father...let him decide which one. He asked what I liked to do...kind of hesitantly...and I said I like to go hunting...which made him grin. I mentioned that I wanted to go hunting with Julian, to which he responded negatively, saying that Julian wasn't really...friendly. He had wanted to say something foul about Julian but thought better of it. He offered to take me hunting...to which I said yes. After the dance, he returned to Dara, and I went to the table to get something to eat.
Lorian and Dana were at the table, and right away Lorian began asking intrusive questions. Well...not really questions...more like questioning comments...about Talia...about why I was grown-up so suddenly. And she asked me if I was staying with Talia...to which I responded, yes. I could tell that confused her, so I added quickly that though Talia was being kind enough to chaperone me in Amber, I was a grown woman and she wasn't serving as parent or anything. Lorian was discomfited by my living with Talia...I could feel that from her. It occurs to me that by living with Talia I am causing people to question my maturity.... Maybe it would be better to find my own quarters.... I also met Dana, who is Dierdre's daughter.
I really don't understand why the women of Amber dress this way.... I kept wondering why Dana didn't find her dress...drafty. And Lorian had a neckline that went somewhere near her knees.... Of course, maybe that's normal for Rebma. Anyway...Dana was nice...asked me if I was enjoying Amber...so nice to meet someone who knows how to make small talk...as opposed to interrogating me publicly like Lorian!
The more I think about it, the more I resent her nosiness. Maybe I'd better do something to make her mind her own damn business.
I made one big slip-up at the ball.... When Dana asked me about my parents, I immediately responded that I was Konrad's daughter. Immediately I sensed a wave of disgust from Lorian...and she quietly retreated mentally from me. That hurt...it upset me. Dana was confused by it as well...but hid it much better than Auntie Lorian. I felt ashamed for a moment...daughter of Amber's biggest freak...and then I felt angry at myself for being ashamed of him and angry at them for making me feel this way! I will not deny him...not even for their kindness. If anything, this steels my resolve...I will hang his painting in the hall of portraits!
At that point, still feeling hurt and angry...Chadwick and Talia came. I only vaguely remember what he said...just caught the end of it...him asking Talia, "Where have you been keeping her?" Talia said, "In shadow." I immediately wanted to yell at him.... Hello! I'm right here! If you have a question about me, why don't you just fucking ask me! I realized that I was close to losing my temper...and so curtseyed and left.
I will be calm...I will not let him anger me.
I just don't like it when grown-ups do that...talk about me like I'm not there...like I don't count. And damn it, I'm a grown-up now...and I don't have to tolerate his rudeness.
Lorian had followed along, and we chatted a bit. I noticed Talia limping along as well, and realized that it was getting late. So I headed up to the balcony, leaving Talia and Lorian at the dance. I watched for a while, all the people dancing and talking and eating...but I was tired. Then I noticed Merlin getting ready to leave, and remembered that I'd wanted to talk to him. I hurried down, and he was rushing off, so I whistled as loudly as I could. He stopped and turne...and I waved toward him.
It occurs to me now that whistling at the Emperor of Chaos is probably not the appropriate way to accost him.
I just told him, "Please ask Xavier to write me." He left via Trump, which was strange. I thought you couldn't trump all the way to Chaos. And then I smiled and returned to Talia's quarters. Eventually I was able to free myself from that wretched corsette...thanks to Fatima's aid...and went to bed. Before I did, though, I left a short note for grandmother, which said, "Thank you, Talia. I had a wonderful time."
As I nodded off, I peered into father's ring. There are spells hung there...quite a few actually. But I don't understand them, really...don't know how to use them. And Talia's walls are covered with wards, so I don't think I should tamper with the spells just yet. I studied the spells in the ring...and drifted off to sleep.
It felt like I'd barely closed my eyes when morning came. I got out of bed, opened the trunk, and took out my pen and notepad...and began writing my list of things to do.
First thing I need is some appropriate clothing. Dresses, undergarments...socks, shoes, boots...everything. I also need to find some stuff to wear for dance practice. That's another thought, really...what am I going to do now that I'm here? I should probably see about procuring a tutor...there's still a lot I need to learn: the history and customs of Amber, fencing, reading/writing Thari, ballet/dancing...I wonder if Florimel could find someone to teach me the ways of the court. But I need to focus. I need to learn four things most of all: how to behave in Amber, how to read and write Thari properly, how to use my magic, and how to make trumps. Nicholas taught me a lot, but we'd only just begun on the neat parts of trump artistry before he was imprisoned. I also ought to ask about getting my own rooms....
Katherine's To-Do List, Short Term
Katherine's To-Do List, Long Term
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