Okay, here's a description of Gate Zero and what happens when trying to attack it:
The "Gate" is actually a 602000000000000000000000-story tower. However, only 1003.2 of these stories are above ground. The other stories are actually sub-basements. Now, of course, planet Earth is not large enough to hold a building this high. So, I built Gate Zero on a large planet just outside of this solar system named Bob.
The Entrance to Gate Zero is a small gate in a much larger dome which surrounds Gate Zero. This gate is referred to by the staff at Gate Zero as "Gate -1." Gate -1 is guarded by 13 mad cows. Each of these cows will die, however, only if their corresponding Gate falls. If even one mad cow is left when a would-be attacker attempts to pass Gate -1, it will guard the gate to its death. Or at least try to (mad cow disease tends to make a cow lose a bit of its discipline... it's a shame, really). Luckily for me, the dome surrounding Gate Zero was made by the master domemaker, Jim of Anthraxia, and can withstand anything. Even a teleporter will be stopped by this dome.
Inside the dome, a visitor (or attacker) will be greeted by our wonderful staff of former Wal-Mart greeters. After making his way past these 5000 annoying freaks, he will find himself at the entrance to the Gate Zero Funworld Theme Park.
At the center of the park is the 1003.2 story tower. However, anyone wishing to gain access to it must first go through the midway... where he will have to resist the temptations to lose all his money playing those stupid milk bottle and duck games. There's a bunch of rides in Funworld, too, but people really don't like riding roller coasters that stop in the middle of an upside-down turn.
Anyway, after making it to the entrance to the tower, the attacker will enter through the revolving doors (I just love going around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around in those things, don't you?) and go to the lobby.
At the receptionist's desk he will be told to go up to the 711th floor. However, there are no elevators in the tower until the 712th floor. So he will have to go up the stairs, which wind their way around the tower until the 711th floor.
After walking all the way up to the 710th floor, he must avoid the banana peels left on the stairs or risk falling all the way down.
On the 711th floor, he will have to fight your way past the monkeys with four asses to make it across the tower to the small staircase to the 712th floor. On that floor, he must evade the anal-probing aliens to make to the elevator which will take you to the 1003rd floor.
Upon arriving there, he will see a sign that reads: "Insane-kun will be back in 30 minutes." So he waits. And wait. And wait some more. But I never never show up. And the attacker will wait there until he dies, or just leave.
Or, you could just put this at the beginning:
Owner: Insane-kun
Staff: 13 Mad Cows
5000 Ex-Wal-Mart greeters
106 giraffes
27 Mad Scientists
A few monkeys with four asses
A few more anal-probing aliens
And few other things.
Location: Planet Bob, just outside the solar system (also accessible by
taking a right at Albuquerque).
Defenses: Lots of stairs, and some staff members.
Gate Facilities:
Cloning lab (for cloning REAL people...)
Vegetable garden
A "war room" which monitors all ML faction activities
A big red (candy-like!) button
Other notes: Gate Zero is run by a giant frog which resides in one of the subbasements..
Of course, I can't tell you WHICH subbasement...
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