THE STORY SO FAR
At the time of writing (9/5/97) I, a 32 year old man living in Stockholm, Sweden, am denied any contact with, or information about, my seven month old son Joel. His mother decided unilaterally that my visits to see him were to be terminated just over six weeks ago. For wanting to be a good loving father to my son I am, in my opinion, being seen as some kind of undesirable element without any right to an influence over him.
Let us get one thing clear in all this. I have never been violent or in any way threatening either towards Joel or towards his mother at any time before or during these disagreements. I say this because it has proved itself to be the first question that anybody, whoever they may be, asks me when I tell them what has happened. What is more, I have never even been accused of anything more than unspecified rudeness towards my sons grandmother. Despite this I am being denied access to Joel. My "sin" seems to be wanting to be a father who is there as a father for my son.
My ex and I were both delighted when we learned that she was pregnant. We had been together some months and were very much in love. Three months into the pregnancy, for reasons that she still hasn't explained to me, she told me that she didn't want to have anything to do with me. She also decided that I was to have no information about the baby in the womb during the whole time before the birth. She would call me after the birth, she told me. As can be imagined this was a very hard time for me as I am sure it was for her. Despite terrible worry and concern I accepted this arrangement as I thought it better that Joel be born without unnecessary aggravation. The height of my involvement during this time was one letter of encouragement to her and one to her parents explaining my feelings at the time.
To see Joel the first time was the most incredible feeling I have had so far in my life. I was the archetype of the proud father. My ex then informed me that my contact with Joel would be limited to three hours a week. I saw this as far too little and suggested three times a week at three hours a time. She wouldn't budge from her position, during the first year of Joel's life this was to be the case, she told me. The first three months I followed this line under protest, but stated in two letters that I wasn't satisfied. I suggested counselling to help find solutions to our disagreements which she refused as she also had done when I suggested similar things during the pregnancy. In the beginning of January 1997, my lawyer wrote a letter to her suggesting more time for me with Joel and threatening legal action. Three days later, presumably after advice from her council, she dubbled my access to twice a week at three hours a time under the surveillance of her parents. I wasn't satisfied with this, I saw no reason why I should be watched over, particularly as I had managed to find a flat where we both could be during my visits, only minutes away from my ex's home. I accepted however on the conditions that A) we would as soon as possible start councelling to help solve our problems and B) we would see this agreement as a temporary solution. Three weeks later my ex made it clear that she was not prepared to have contact with me in any way. She also made it clear that I was not to be allowed to be alone with Joel. Thus I had no way of getting any information about his development and well-being apart from what I could notice myself. I was left totally in the dark. In the end of March I was subsequently confronted by the parents of my ex who claimed I had been "rude" to them and that they were terminating my access. A few days later my lawyer received a letter where it was suggested that I see Joel two hours a week at the Children's Clinic. Under enormous protest I accepted this, mainly to keep my contact with Joel alive. But I put in a writ against my ex, saying that I wanted access three times a week, three hours a time without surveillance. My ex girlfriend never arranged the contact that she had offered me at the Children's Clinic. I called them myself and they confirmed that she had enquired but that they had no way of helping us. It is quite simply not their job. As I write I have been without any contact with my son during the last six weeks and this state of affairs will continue until at least the 28th of May when our case will be heard in court. This has been an utterly terrible time in my life. |
