SENTIMENTS AND NEEDS
I believe that my son needs me, his father, enormously. I also believe that this need is particularly important during the first years of his life where it is proven that so much of a child's personality is formed and developed. My own sentiments have been extremely strong. I can't explain exactly what went through me on becoming a father, I can only say that it was different to anything else I have ever felt. It was scary and exciting in a wonderful mixture. When all this was then snatched away from me I felt indescribable emptiness. I was and am driven by the beautiful feelings and love that I feel from and for my son. I am however kept outside everything that is happening to him, my ex's whole behaviour is governed by her seeing me as some form of irritation that has no bearing on Joel's development. I think that many fathers feel something similar even if they have good contact with their partners. So much empahasis is concentrated on how the mother feels and her so called symbiosis with the child that the fathers needs and desires are almost totally neglected. We are expected to fight through it, it seems to be connected with our identity as men. For me it is only connected with incredible sorrow.
Without ever having been accused of anything (as there is nothing to accuse me of) I have yet to be allowed to develop a natural relationship with my son. I have been kept deliberately away from him. The whole atmosphere here is built on my ex and her family seeing me as incapable of taking care of a child. I have no criminal background, I even worked in a nursery school for 18 months, there is no reason for these actions. Some have suggested that she probably only did all this to get pregnant, using me as a tool to that end. She didn't, I am sure of it. I believe that she is at the moment totally confused and with it overprotective and irrational. The problem doesn't really lie here, for these things my ex and I need help and councelling. The real scandal in my, opinion, is that she is allowed by the law to act and react in this way.
WHAT TO DO
The more I started digging into these questions the more astonished I became about how vulnerable fathers are in relationships to their children in Sweden. I have limited knowledge of how these situations are handled in other countries but would be very interested to find out. Email me and tell me your experiences. My story is in many ways extreme but while interesting myself for these issues I discovered that some men end up in even worse positions than I have. I have not, at least, been falsely accused of rape, paedophilia and violence as others have. At the moment of seperation between unmarried couples in Sweden (the majority these days) the custody of children goes automatically to the mother. There are absolutely no possibilities of questioning this other than the father applying through the courts for custody himself, a case that he invariably will lose. For married couples dual custody is the norm after seperation. But in the vast majority of these cases, where the mother then applies for single custody she will win. According to the law dual custody depends on both parents being able to co-operate. In my case the mother has decided that she can't work together with me. That is enough for the powers that be to decide that she alone shall have custody. She never once has to say why she cannot co-operate, it is sufficient just to say that she can't. It must be understood that custody after a seperation is everything. Without it a parent stands almost completely without rights towards his children. In effect a parent without custody must step into line behind 99% of all decisions a custodian makes. He has one real obligation and that is the duty of paying maintenance according to laws, that in Sweden at least, are ludicrously formed. A possible scenario of my situation could be as follows. My ex meets an American millionaire and moves to a luxury existence in Florida. I am forced to continue making maintenance payments based solely on my salary. If I then want to see my son it is my legal obligation to pay for the tickets!
A lot is said these days about how important fathers are for their children. How many kids that are said to have gone astray have done so on the excuse of the fathers absence? All this is in my opinion empty rhetoric. While there is no legal or social back-up for fathers who want to be caring, equal parents, I don't think that this can be argued. I used to believe that men who leave their children after a seperation were cold, unsympathetic, unfeeling people. Of course there is a minority that quite simply do not care. However it takes a lot of strength and determination for a father to stick around and fight while everything is stacked up against him. It is hardly surprising that many give up. If it is believed important that fathers are involved in the upbringing and wellbeing of a child then the first step must be very simple:
AUTOMATIC DUAL CUSTODY FOR ALL PARENTS
Of course some parents, both male and female, are not suitable as custodians. Children must be protected from these people. But our point of entry has to be the same. Children have the right to both their parents on an equal, fair basis. It cannot be good for children to grow up knowing that they have an A and a B parent, i.e. one who has responsibility and one who turns up occasionally at weekends. Particularly if this division is defined solely on the issue of gender. What kind of perspective are they likely to aquire if not one that is twisted and unjust? If we instill within them the idea of the woman being some kind of "natural head of the family", isn't there a good chance of children implying that therefore the workplace is the natural domain of the man? If we are not careful then we might be inadvertantly sending women back into the kitchen. If parents cannot get along within a relationship then they must do all they can to at least co-operate on an adult level about their children.If one parent consistently resists then then the law must seriously consider if he or she is suitable for custody.
Today in Sweden custodial battles are resolved almost exclusively in favour of the mother. Statistics show that 94% of maintenance paying parents are men. Slightly simplified one can say that a child's potential relationship with his father is based almost solely on the good will of the mother. Most women, when faced with this kind of situation, behave and act with sensitivity and rational feelings for the needs of their children. But in situations where this is not the case I cannot understand how the law can stand powerless and impotent. We simply cannot allow the aggression and bitterness of one parent to destroy and distort a child's relationship to the other. |
