Released in Spokane Washington for all of 7 days, this 3rd installment of the cult favorite The Crow series was immediately kidnapped from the big screen and packed away until Dimension Films could figure out what to do with it. Finally they have decided, and the decision is: crucifixion... to, uhm, video shelves of course. Though the creators of the movie felt they were treated unfairly because of recent legislation against violence in the media and that the MPAA had a personal grudge against them for some reason, I know the truth. The real reason that The Crow: Salvation was cut down to D-t-V release was because: THE MOVIE'S HORRIBLE! Not "Horrible" with a capital "h", but "HORRIBLE", with ALL caps! I may hate the MPAA, but come on guys, don't blame your crappy movie on the censors, take some responsibility and admit you have no talent!
This time playing the role of a hero reborn is Eric Mabius. This isn't the first role Mabius has targeted in a Crow movie neither, as he once tried out for the role of Fun Boy in the original The Crow. Ironically enough, the guy who did get the role of Fun Boy was later responsible for the death of Brandon Lee, that film's Crow. Now, is it possible that, had Mabius received the part, would things have been different? If not, if Mabius HAD killed Lee instead, would we have at least been spared this, his role as Alex Corbis in The Crow: Salvation, due to his guilt and despair at the accidental killing of the son of Bruce Lee and his fear of anything even involving the word "crow" in it? Then again, if Mabius had lived through this alternate reality fantasy I'm talking about, who would've been the unlucky schmuck to get stuck with the role of Alex in Salvation? Perhaps Vincent Perez would've been asked to return. Maybe some unknown who would've shown talent and been able to make a career from this movie, perhaps? Or, even better, it could've marked a comeback for a long lost '80s pop icon like Gary Coleman or Mr. T! Who knows what could've been, if only it was Mabius as Fun Boy...
Anyway, Salvation follows the exploits of Alex Corvis (Mabius), who, on his 21st birthday, is on his way to the electric chair after being wrongfully convicted for the murder of his girlfriend Lauren. Fond memories of my own 14th birthday come to mind, but that was several eons ago and I'm busy reviewing this movie. Not really a surprise that Lex lost the case though, since his lawyer is the guy who played geeky producer guy Miles on "Murphy Brown"! Sure enough, as with any Crow flick, Alex returns to right the wrongs, finding and killing those truly responsible for the death of his beloved. After peeling off the charred remains of his face (yeah, electric chairs'll do that to ya, take it from the guy who's seen EVERY such execution), Alex finds that his new regenerated face has a few new scars on it, that coincidentally look similar to the face paint designs of the two previous Crows. Guided by his new ebon winged amigo, Lex makes his daring midnight escape from the prison coroner's office, climbing the razor wire fence and escaping into the night, hungry for a big bowl of payback with a side of murder, and a dish of brutality for dessert!
Lex doesn't seem the least bit daunted by his Lazarusian rebirth, until he breaks into police headquarters and finds a file on Lauren's murder case. This is when we learn that Lex has apparently been endowed with another special power: psychometrics. For those of you not into the paranormal and the metaphysical, psychometrics is the ability to see moments in time by touching an object. For instance, when Lex touches the knife used to stab Lauren 53 times, he witnesses the moment he was cold cocked in his pick-up and the knife was planted on him by a shadowy figure with a zig-zagging scar on his arm. For a better understanding of psychometrics, see the Jeff Goldbum flop Vibes, which also featured Tomb of Anubis hero Julian Sands. Understand though, this isn't a recommendation, so view it at your own risk. There, now that I got the legal stuff taken care of and the lawyers are settled, back to my “Salvation”...
Lex first seeks out Lauren's sister Erin (uggh, Kirsten Dunst, the worst young actress today), who doesn't recognize him despite the fact he looks the exact same, only with a couple of lines on his face... When she gets freaked out that this "stranger" knows her departed sister, Lex leaves to check out the people who lied and testified against him at his trial. Soon it's pieced together that, with the exception of one, every person on the list is a cop. Lex confronts one of these "peacekeepers" while the guy's trying to score a little underage pussy and commit a few "traffic violations" of his own. Hey, he's decked out in a denim jacket, he's a rapist, and he shoots Lex for no reason, so he's DEFINITELY a cop! Probably from Texas too...
From this freak-with-a-badge, Lex learns that Lauren was killed when she wouldn't let herself be raped instead of just "being a girl" like she was supposed to be. As she was fighting back, she shot one of the cops in the foot with his own gun, causing the group to lose their cool and stab her to death. In retribution, Lex blows this asshole's brains out and stabs the prick 53 times as a message. The biggest humiliation of all though? He carved the word "Daisy" into the guy's head. It wasn't meant as an insult, but as a message to Erin to prove that he really is Alex (Lauren used to call Erin "Daisy" when they were young). Now, again we see the amazing cover-up effect that two lines on our face can have, as this cop, just like Erin, doesn't recognize Lex in the least... Everyone apparently needs to visit their fucking Optometrist as soon as possible!
After this, Lex makes a short visit with his ex-attorney, then goes after the next name on the list, who ALSO doesn't recognize Alex, even after he sends the guy through the windshield of a car at 90mph, then blows his ass (and a few police vehicles) to kingdom come in a rain of CGI fire. Bad CGI fire of course. Meanwhile, the Captain (that's the only name they ever give us) of the police department (played by Fred Ward of Tremors and Cast a Deadly Spell) is getting increasingly concerned with the recent cop killings, especially since he seems to be in on the cover-up. Likely he's the one with the scar, since an actor the "caliber" of Fred Ward HAS to be the main antagonist in a movie like this.
Erin uncovers another player in the lie, as she finds out her father knew about it all along! He didn't have anything to do with Lauren's death, but he DID know about it, and decided not to speak out since crooked cops are never a nice group to resist. I think there's also something about a business deal, but enough of that. With no one else to trust in the world, Erin locates Lex, ready to accept him for who he is, especially after he convinces her not to kill herself... Alex you fool, what have you done! Golden opportunity to save the world here, and our supposed good guy fucks it up by telling Kirsten Dunst NOT to kill herself! Hell, he should be killing her himself! Fuck it, I'll do it if he doesn't have the balls. Anything to prevent Bring It On 2!
After getting her new lease on life, blah blah blah, Erin goes home to live out her happy new existence to its fullest... and find her father dead, shot several times in the bathtub. As for Alex, he heads off to the local strip joint, where he scares a drug addled dancer straight and finds a couple more of his intended victims along with a slew of cops "just following orders". Lex is cut down by police grade armament, then retaliates by killing everyone with a shiny Cap'n Crunch badge stapled to their shirts. I hate the fuzz, but isn't this a little counterproductive of a hero to kill a bunch of cops? Well, he does just that as the entire place goes up in a big *kaboom*, making for one Hell of a pig roast, from which Lex discovers a stray arm... complete with awkward scar.
Back at the attorney's office, the evil cops stop bye, blow away the geeky attorney and kidnap Erin for their own devious purposes. After finding the arm (which later turns out to be a fake planted by one of the crooked cops), Lex loses his magic invincibility powers, thinking that his quest is over... so the powers of the Crow are all psychosomatic, relying on the beholder's confidence or something?! I'M SO CONFUSED AND DISILLUSIONED!!! SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S WITH THIS BULLSHIT! FROM WHAT ASSHOLE WAS THIS CRAP SPEWWED?! ARGH!
Anyway, when our idiot hero Lex goes looking for Erin, the Captain is waiting. Stabbing the hero 53 times and pulling some mind games, Cap makes Erin think he really was the one who killed Lauren in the first place. Like I said, for some reason all of this shit is immediately excused as possible because of “mind over matter” or something, so Lex seemingly bleeds to death. This allows the Cap and his twisted girlfriend to prepare Lex for a little taxidermy lesson. However, thanx to Erin, her locket, and Lex's fine feathered friend, Lex is brought out of his stupor, his powers restored and ready to finally finish some of the longest and most painful higher tier cinema I've ever seen. He kicks some more asses, breaks a few more bones, and ends a few more lives before finally making off with the Captain and electrocuting him in the chair for some not-so-ironic turn about... and yes, the Captain was the one with the ziggy zag scar on his arm who planted the knife on Lex in the first place.
Finally, Lex says the standard Crow goodbye to Erin, telling her life is worth living and all that sappy schlock, disappearing like Batman and leaving us with a final shot of Kirsten Dunst... Dunst of all people! A close up of the Captain's charred and disfigured face wouldn't have done, but a lame end scene with Dunst saying a terribly acted and tear-filled goodbye is perfectly fine?! Man, compared to this, The Crow: City of Angels is a Godz damned masterpiece ready to pick up a slew of Academy Awards that passed it over back in '96. Yes, Salvation is THAT bad.
I went into this movie with such a positive attitude. My hopes were not high, especially after City of Angels and that damn "Stairway to Heaven" series, but they were at least positive, doing half the movie’s job for it. Up until that moment the opening credits rolled, I was all about Crowin' it baby. Then, the movie started... and it took an immediate dive from there. We get terrible acting from everyone, especially our pseudo-stars Mabius and Dunst, but mostly Dunst. You can't take either of these bitches seriously. Mabius just doesn't LOOK like a Crow. His momma's boy haircut and good kid face just convey "pussy". He's got no acting skills what-so-ever, and it's easy to see why he was rejected for even the unimportant and simple role of Fun Boy in the first movie. Besides, what's with the pathetic wardrobe?! A Crow is supposed to be decked out in leather, all black, and a long dark trenchcoat. Alex Corbis ran around the whole time in his prison uniform (complete with queer little cross over the chest), stopping only to put on a very feminine looking longcoat with a furry collar and shiny silver clasps... As for Dunst, she is no longer allowed to do serious, no matter how much she prays to the Godz for it before she steps into her pink PJs with the feet before bed. All she's allowed to do now is bubbly-headed ditz roles where she's admired solely for her tits and that completely vacant look in her eyes. That's the kind of soulless stare that comes from someone who's traded their immortal essence to Lord Satan for a part in Interview With the Vampire... Antonio Banderas has the same thing. I won't even get into the total jackass move the creators made when they tried to put Fred Ward into the role of a villain...
The story itself was good. It had a little mystery, whereas the first two were simple, straight-out action and gun fighting… not that there’s anything wrong with that. It's good to throw in some variation so we're not watching the same fucking segment over and over again like some twisted Teletubbies episode. However, if your cast delivers lines about as well as a group of Teletubbies, you're dangerously screwed in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen?). In other words, clean up the little stupid parts (like that whole "mind over matter" crap about the powers), have a COMPLETE re-casting, and this time I'LL be the one licking YOUR boots. Until then, I suggest you get back to work, as I've just returned from the camel stables and my sandals smell like a dirty Frenchman.
One thing the last two movies were most noted for were their excellent soundtracks. Metal heads everywhere were kept busy as, even if they didn't like the flicks, at least they could kill brain cells to some ripped up rifts and shit. The soundtrack for Salvation contains some of my favorite heavy bands, such as Monster Magnet, Static-X, Danzig, and Stabbing Westward. It also features Rob Zombie, Hole, and Filter, who make their second appearance on a Crow soundtrack, returning from their work on The Crow: City of Angels. However, despite these sweet assed bands, the songs are nothing special. You'd expect some great shit to tear out your teeth to, but instead we get some tame, frighteningly underscored garbage. As if The Crow: Salvation wasn't pissing me off enough as it is. Well, speaking of which, I should probably try to re-melt my copy of the video back to something resembling its original shape, or Blockbuster'll slap even more fines and lawsuits on my ass. I'm still in big trouble with them over the whole Lethal Target incident, so I should probably get to that. Alright kids, that's all for me, feel free to go fuck yourselves now...
The Moral of the Story: "The dead can return given sufficent motivation."
Sequel To: The Crow & The Crow: City of Angels
Sequel: The Crow: Wicked Prayers
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Fred Ward is always great for a party flick, bad sequels are also always fun and you can't go wrong with an electric chair scene in your movie. It's fun to throw stuff at too!
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Once Upon a Time in Mexico or
The Breed
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